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Topic: living alone

  1. Lillylane
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    27 December 2021 in reply to randomx

    What a great idea!

    I hope you and gf get to see each other soon RX. Sounds as though you’ve both been through stressful times.

    LL

    1 person found this helpful
  2. randomx
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    3347 posts
    27 December 2021 in reply to Lillylane

    Hi LL .

    Thanks for that and yeah unfortunately .

    Hope your doin ok.

    rx

  3. randomx
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    30 December 2021 in reply to randomx

    Not good at the moment with gf,she's going backwards again , does it a lot but l'm running out of puff and trust in her and very very near the end of my tether. For such a smart girl sometimes she's just plain ridiculous and the repetition of crap sorted even 3yrs ago still coming up like it never even happened a dozen more times is just insane. l use to see a bit of manipulation in her crap with suspected head games, either that or she has the worst memory l've ever seen.

    Not too sure l want to go on with this l've had the most exhausting mentally just a plain stupidest day dealing with her l think l've ever had. lt's been 1 forward two back since we met, mainly in communication. And right when it's just mind blowingly beautiful and you think this is just incredible,she just gets things, many most other people never would, she just will, but next second it does a complete u turn.

    None of this will make sense l know, l don't wanna say too much, l'm just saying. But l do know l can't go on with it any longer, yet l can't communicate it to her in a way we can get to the bottom of it and fix or change it and l'm at the end of trying. She just doesn't get it, she can't see herself and the effect it has or how hard l've tried with it and how many dozens of times l'm made exceptions and just let it pass.

    l dunno , maybe she's got something going on up there, she's been through so much for so long. The trouble is l'll end up a nut case myself trying to deal with it any longer, can't do it and l'm just about ready to throw in the towel. So much good , but communication and 300% trust and understanding are almost the most important things to me between us, but they're the very things this stuff just blows apart again time and time again.

    rx

  4. CMF
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    30 December 2021 in reply to randomx

    Hey rx,

    I'm sorry to hear that. You have been very patient.

    You explained it pretty well to us. Have you thought about putting it in writing to her, even if it just means eating your feelings our, and reading into her?

    It sux. I'm sorry you have to go thru this.

    Big hugs

    Cmf x

    1 person found this helpful
  5. randomx
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    3347 posts
    30 December 2021 in reply to CMF

    Hi cm.

    Trouble is , l've never written so much in my life. We must of messaged 100 messages today alone, as well as a stupid phone call. And all these things we've talked in person too when we're together dozens of times anyway, mths later it's like it never happened ha, even 3yrs later. Matter of fact though yeah, quite a few times too l've just written things out for her too and did my best to explain something. But that's often backfires and is just totally misunderstood with her English translation and interpretation of words, her thinking. l know her ways like that, her words, how this or that will be taken if not said in the right way so l even use her ways, even a lot of her own terms and words she uses herself just to be sure. Sometimes it helps, some not.

    A lot of it unfortunately is just her and her thinking though, her ways. Other things in translation she just can't seem to get her head around.

    rx

  6. randomx
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    31 December 2021 in reply to randomx

    Sometimes l think it's a problem about us , just us . Culture, differences in views, ways, and of course the English situation, my Portuguese ain't too crash hot either haha. We're incredibly alike in huge ways and in such important ways, it blows us away considering we're from other sides of the planet and worlds. But l don't know about these other things that just keep rearing up, they're also hugely important things to me too.

    l don't know about language either anyway, many things between two people shouldn't need it. My Slovenian friends partner is Spanish, she doesn't speak Spanish or him Slo, or English , yet they're closer than ever. They met on a one mth mountain hike years ago and couldn't even have a conversation but yet over that mth they had 100 conversations one way or another and fell in love. These days she says they both speak pigeon Spanish and Slo haha.

    Sometimes with gf it def' is just interpretation mix ups but at others it's most def' differences in views and the acting as it it was never said thing, l think just a shear dis'acknowledgement. We can survive different views on some things who doesn't, but it depends to on what they are. l couldn't survive them still coming up 10yrs later though as if it's never happened or being treated accordingly.

    rx

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  7. CMF
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    31 December 2021 in reply to randomx

    Happy New Year rx,

    I hope 2022 brings you clarity to see decide your future, faith in what it is to be and happiness to enjoy a life you deserve.

    All the things you have written in your last 2 post seem to be the raw truth. Like me, I think you always look for the good in others, the positives and may not see what really is behind that. You're starting to acknowledge/accept there are things you could not tolerate long term.

    I hope this year you can sort this out and make a clear decision on what is truly best for you.

    Extra Big hugs

    Cmf x

    1 person found this helpful
  8. randomx
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    3347 posts
    1 January 2022 in reply to CMF

    Thanks so much for the lovely wishes cm , and for you too.

    l've always noticed these things and put up with them , tried to tone them back with her.No one or relationship is perfect and we have so much that l've hoped they'll disappear in time or l'd just humor them bc really , couldn't ask for more.

    l'm afraid though conversational repetition has never been one of my strong points and a deep connection and understanding as l say has always been very very important to me. She's a weird mix , we do have that in incredible ways , but in others this other side of her is just not getting any better and tbh its really burning me out. Just lately l'm feeling l can't stand much more of it , not a good sign , l know, especially with me l'm a sort of person that when l've had enough l've had enough. There was more of it last night, couldn't believe it after the exhausting day before. l said, AGAIN,,,,, baby we worked all that out 3yrs ago and about 20 times again since, wth are you bringing them up yet again.ldk why she keeps going over and over forever as if whatever it is never happened.

    l'm feeling confused and negative and l have to be really careful of myself when l get like this bc l might switch off just sick of it yet on other sides, we just have so much. l'm not sure where the line is in tolerance or should be.

    l have to get things into perspective , wish we could just spend some real life time together right now , been so long.

    rx

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  9. CMF
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    1 January 2022 in reply to randomx

    In a different way, I know how you feel. Going over the same things over & over 😔

    1 person found this helpful
  10. randomx
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    1 January 2022 in reply to CMF

    Yeah you've got your share atm that's for sure.

    ldk. l said this morning l can't talk today you just relax and have a nice day , my mind was mince. Could be lucky we can't be together right now, we've decided to wait a mth with the Covid situation in nsw atm, not to mention everywhere else. She's one of the brightest people you'll ever meet. Sharp as a tack, she'll spot anything in seconds while it goes straight over the head of most, pick up or understand something complex or totally foreign to her with ease. Same with conversation about anything normally, bar a few language mix up at times understandably, but yet this stuff !

    At any rate , l have had a chance to clear my head today and remember her many other sides too. At least this stuff isn't an everyday thing she only seems to rewind every few mths thank the Gods. Maybe she agree to some hypnotism , kidden.

    rx

    1 person found this helpful
  11. randomx
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    1 January 2022 in reply to randomx

    Maybe she really does have memory problems , although ldk if that'd make sense she's that damn sharp in most ways .

    rx

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  12. CMF
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    1 January 2022 in reply to randomx

    Hmmmm...she could forget things & also cos of language barrier. I would find it hard to remember things in another language. It's hard enough to comprehend, let alone understand.

    Gees, def need time together. I know that feeling. We lose the connection when we don't have that. The spark dies down & more frustrating when it's because of something/someone else. I take hat off to you,or communicating via phone/text, no physical contact for so long. It's just so difficult.

    Hugs

    Cmf x

    1 person found this helpful
  13. randomx
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    1 January 2022 in reply to CMF

    Yeah it can be huge ,sometimes she just draws a blank bc l can't find a way to explain something in a way that she can convert it into English.

    Speaking of this morning she sent me this big long message in Portuguese and said it's very important but she doesn't know how to put it into English, could l find the translation on the net. Dk hth l'm gonna manage that .

    ldk how we've survived this long apart especially with everything she's had going on it's pretty surreal tbh and l often wonder wth we're even doing with us still apart like this. Suppose it's happened to a lot of other people though too this last few yrs hey. Couldn't bloody wait to go up damn , buttttt, it's been this long now , it'd be crazy atm.

    rx

  14. blondguy
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    2 January 2022 in reply to randomx

    Hey RX!

    I hope you have a great new year....

    You are and always have been an asset to the Beyond Blue forums

    You Rock

    Paul

    1 person found this helpful
  15. randomx
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    3347 posts
    2 January 2022 in reply to blondguy

    Hey Paul , and haaa, thx for that but ah, dunno.

    Happy 22 though, maybe it brings some nice things to us all eh.

    rx

    1 person found this helpful
  16. randomx
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    3347 posts
    8 January 2022

    Unfortunately , things aren't looking good with gf and l don't think l wanna take it any further.

    After all this and everything we've been through and added to all our goods, incredible stuff really that anyone would be very very lucky to find especially at this age, yet there have been these things. They're big things to me and very important but they wouldn't be an issue if they were compromisable and should be fairly easily worked out normally. But with us , her , it's like beating your head against a wall.

    So many sleeping rug sweeps have been coming out lately. All the repetition stuff over and over or things l'd thought were settled and understood 3yrs ago , agreed or compromised . It seems as her court cases have been looking good she's picked up again and is a new person just of late which is great , although l'd rather she didn't get her hopes up just yet. Never the less though with it has come out all this old stuff , over and over. And l hate to use the word but she's so damn ignorant , you can prove things wrong , makes no difference.

    She's also started sending me all her google rubbish again , it drove me absolutely crazy when l first met her and l'd told her 100 times don't send me that rubbish just stop it l'm not interested wll guess what , 3yrs later , and half of it's in Portuguese , which she also just keeps on sending - when she knows on top of it l can't read Portuguese anyway, assuming l'd even waste my time reading if l could , which l wouldn't.

    She also use to be really negative , just all the time, about all kinds of things anything welllll , it just brought you down all the time and that's all rearing it's head again too.l love a few beers after work , l have 2 3 beers , or a drink with my brother , we have a couple of cans ea, so what. Banging on about how bad it is as if l'm a bloody alcoholic and to top it off a couple of beers is actually bloody good for you.

    There's been so many things, l've tried to talk them through , next day they're back. l've seen this part of her before and she's literally worn me out with it all over again again just in this last few wks . l just can't be bothered l've had other far more serious things going on l haven't talked about here yet this garbage has almost pushed me over the top. To top it off l'd thought she'd turned over a new leaf from earlier days but it's back worse than ever.

    l'm not dealing with it any further.

    rx

  17. randomx
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    3347 posts
    8 January 2022 in reply to randomx

    This last few wks as she's picked up again , l've wondered which of these things are worse assuming we could or l could , deal with some of them . But l do know one thing , the negativity is sooooo draining. lt's amazing how you can be feeling just fine or you've just picked yourself up from something, or your even feeling great about something but yet be around an hr or two of that. And when it just the same regurgitated stuff you just finished trying to snap her out of a few days before, man, it's exhausting.

    Think she was better stressed out.

    rx

  18. blondguy
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    8 January 2022 in reply to randomx

    Hey RX

    Its easy for me to say "if there are any doubts...dont"

    Its only my humble opinion mate....you have worked so very hard to to the right thing......we can only do so much in a relationship. Any relationship is a 2 way street....50/50 most of the time so to speak

    Our well being and peace of mind comes first.....all other considerations are secondary

    always a bonus to have you on the air RX!

    Paul

    1 person found this helpful
  19. randomx
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    3347 posts
    8 January 2022 in reply to blondguy

    Hi Paul and same mate, hope things with you are going ok.

    And thanks very much as always , very appreciated and you are right. l've been re'seeing and reminded again this last few wks of just how ridiculously draining and pointless it can be dealing with it. To top it off l've been trying to have some holiday bc l'm not sure as yet what's happening this nyr, but some big things have come up and yet the few days where l have been feeling mentally free, l've wound up with my mind twisted into absolute knots and stressed out again anyway, and just over mind bending absolute tripe, it's been surreal.

    But your spot on it is a two way street. When one just buries their head in the sand and just rants straight over it as if nothings happened though irrespective of what was supposedly settled or you've put all this effort and energy into trying to sort a few times already, or of what the other might be going through, over and over well. There's nothing two way about that believe me it's like one persons chaotic mind, just going out of their way to send yours into the same condition.

    Thanks again.

    rx

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  20. CMF
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    8 January 2022 in reply to randomx

    Hi rx,

    Not sounding good I'm afraid. Maybe the stress has really got to her now. I know how draining negativity can be. I copped from my work colleague. It's not a nice feeling.

    Maybe all this behaviour is pushing you interest direction you need to go? Hope you can make a clear decision soon.

    Big hugs

    Cmf x

    1 person found this helpful
  21. randomx
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    3347 posts
    9 January 2022 in reply to CMF

    Hi cm , and thanks for that.

    Yep , gonna have to do something for sure, may have already actually. l can't go on dealing with pointless bs the way she's being again lately. And after the yr she's had, God almighty talk about self destruct.

    Ya know, been a hard 9yrs but the last few on the big basics has all paid off and l've built a very cruizy set up. The house is very chill, an easy pt business, easy hrs l can do what l want mostly and to top it off dozens of people even gf herself many times too , have said all that even chuckled and even envied it. There's been life worries yeah mh, d stuff, but the big main basics are pretty damn sweet.

    Well , l reminded her of that the other day and of the dozens of times even she'd told me all that herself. Bc if she doesn't want to just be happy and "help" and enjoy , live , then it's time to part ways bc l'm not living with the other bs day in and out bringing me down.

    But l know she can't help herself and even if she does back up for awhile it'll only be a matter of time before she back tracks again as she's done it 3yrs now. Sooooo, that's probably gonna be that.

    rx

  22. jtjt_4862
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    12 January 2022 in reply to randomx

    Heya RX,

    Sorry to hear you're not doing too well :(. My thoughts are with ya bud. Negativity can be contagious. Sometimes I feel it's a way for someone to vent out frustration, and just wanted to be heard and understood by someone. But it does wear me out if I hear the same thing over and over again, only to be thinking "Well... are you going to do anything about it?". May be it's just men's mentality... Whenever there's a problem, we find a way to solve it. While women tend to seek for emotional connection (even if that means ranting and not doing anything about it).

    Anyways, it's been a long journey for ya mate. Whatever decision you'll be making that you feel is best for you, you have my full support. Take care of yourself

    Jt

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  23. randomx
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    12 January 2022 in reply to jtjt_4862

    Hi jt .

    And yeah , some , and many other reasons, but with others it's just a part of their personality, gf . She does also thrive on the stimulation of the back and forth bs that negativity can bring to if you fall for it- until the other one, me, just gets fed up with it.

    Anyway , lm afraid that decision has been and gone, l'm not dealing with it anymore, it's just too ridiculously soul destroying and draining.

    rx

    2 people found this helpful
  24. randomx
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    12 January 2022 in reply to randomx

    Unfortunately , she just can't see these parts of herself and how it effects me , or of how exhausting it is, such a shame. Bc if she could she could work on fixing it a bit it'd be ok , well a lot actually, but a person can't or won't fix what they can't even see or acknowledge.

    lf she did turn around and try ,see it , acknowledge it, the door could still be open. But the problem is that's the very thing and the straw breaking the camel bc it's become very clear lately that even after over 3 yrs and miles and miles of convos , she still just can't.

    rx

  25. randomx
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    13 January 2022 in reply to randomx

    There is one thing , l wonder if she'd be better again in person bc we've been apart so long. She wasn't actually bad in those ways in person if anything she was usually pretty bright and happy. She always goes ratty when she's up there understandably, l just wish it'd come out in a different way.

    rx

  26. CMF
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    13 January 2022 in reply to randomx

    That's a good point rx,

    As you know, when I don't see M, I'm cooped up & can't do my normal things, I get pretty ratty. Maybe it's a female thing? The loss of connection? Despite her moods/behaviour how's the connection been for you? She may feel you're going about normal life & she's missing out which can cause a feeling of hopelessness.

    Just thoughts to ponder.

    Big hugs

    Cmf x

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  27. randomx
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    14 January 2022 in reply to CMF

    Yeah def' .

    And we do , it's pretty amazing we even survived this long with everything we've both been going through on top of it. l have known 6mths now we jsut need to be together again first of all and feel ea other for real again butttt, unfortunately we just haven't been able too and now even my trip up after Christmas has fallen through.

    Weird you use that word actually too , she's even used the word hopelessness in her court statements .

    But l dunno , it still feels hopeless with the way she's been and now more delays.

    Big hugs

    rx

    1 person found this helpful
  28. randomx
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    3347 posts
    18 January 2022 in reply to randomx

    And on it rolls.

    She called yesterday, not getting far am l once again. She had news on her cases but l must admit. Firstly when she's not all over the shop man, there's no one else l've ever felt so comfortable with. We just bounce straight back into the us l just know and love, which of course has made me doubt yet again everything l thought l'd finally had all worked out. God almighty, what are they trying to do to me.

    The good news is these damn court cases are so close to done now. She only needs two lots of paper work and with those presented she'd then have results of the whole saga , within possibly a mth to 6 wks. And there shouldn't be as it stands atm, any more courts these just go into the departments concerned through the lawyer and the outcomes are decided from there. So she's basically through it all , even these documents she has to get are really no big deal. Except !!!!!!!!

    The bad news is and we just can't bloody believe it, the nearest appointment the lawyer can get so that she can get one set of those documents, isn't until the bloody 9th/22 there's Covid back logs again. So added to the processing time needed between lawyers, courts and decisions once she does eventually get her hands on the documents, this will now go back to taking still around another 11-12 mths, and that's only providing there aren't any other hold ups.

    Wonder if anyone would mind if l filled the 1000 or so characters left here with swearing !

    Sooooo. lt now looks back to whatever the case with us doesn't matter, she'll still be stuck up there another 12mths anyway. She could stay down at mine while she's waiting if we did wanna go on but every time she's started planning that the lawyer needs her again it's happened 4 times over the last 12mths, so she's scared to leave now.

    Are the Gods trying to stop us , or what ?

    rx

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  29. CMF
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    18 January 2022 in reply to randomx

    Geeeeeeees, yeah what is going on? Something out there is keeping you apart for sure. There's hope, then there's facts.

    So in those 12 months ahead could you spend time together? Would she have the freedom to live ' normally '.

    You know that I can relate from my last post on mine. You're right, some things (people just won't go away)

    It's so...defeating.

    Cmf x

    1 person found this helpful
  30. randomx
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    18 January 2022 in reply to CMF

    God yeah cm, something really just does not want this, l can't believe it, but l can.

    You see too l couldn't work out how my gut on it all taking at least the rest of 22 was so far off bc it's not usually wrong. But boom, her cases came up totally out of the blue just before Xhristmas and bang, it all looked done by Feb 22. l couldn't believe it great news though but how was my gut so far off, and now this. So we are still another 12mths anyway and now it makes sense. Wish it didn't just this once, but it does ! Can't believe it though none the less, and this next12mths will be worst for her than this last yr, more stuck limbo anxiety, no life being apart, pressure. She'll be even more all over the shop and ratty and unsettled than last yr. l couldn't do another 12maths of that.

    But yeah if we could at least spend some time together somehow ? lt's complicated with her flying anxiety but also the situation up where she's staying if l go there. l don't know.

    We'll have to see. rx

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