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Topic: Loneliness

7 posts, 0 answered
  1. Polka Dots
    Polka Dots avatar
    12 posts
    26 July 2015

    I’m in my late 20s and I have never dated. It makes me feel like a freak. Now to make matters worse all my friends are either married, engaged or in serious long term relationships. Some are even on their second baby. I don’t have friends anymore. I have always liked my me time but I used to have a quiet but steady social life. Now if I want to see a movie or just have a chat and a coffee I can't ask anyone. My original friends just do couple things. I rarely get invited. If I do it ends up being awful, with everyone pairing off with their others and sharing couple stories. I feel left out until they ask me why I’m still single and say I have problem about never dating. Then I feel like even more of a freak. Now I decline their very few invitations. I never ask them out anymore because they always have an excuse or they insist partners be included. My friends used to put me first and I would reciprocate but now I am nothing. I get angry and scared because no one feels I'm significant anymore and I don’t think anyone will ever again. I can go for a whole weekend without speaking to anyone except the check-out staff at IGA and no one cares.

    My extended family don’t live in here and I know them little. My parents just don’t get being in your 20s in 2015 and they also travel lots not I'm grown. Plus I need to connect with other people closer to my age. They had me late though and I am scared that before I know it I will have no one.

    I have tried the generic ‘making friends’ activities like a new job, helping at an animal shelter, netball, swimming and an art class but I feel like a freak because they don’t work for me when people say they should. When I rarely connect with someone they are already settled down with no time- or it happens soon after we meet and they drop off. The pattern makes it harder to go through the exercise now because I just anticipate them dropping off. My social anxiety isn't helping and I don’t have the confidence to try the above new things anymore. The outside world gets scarier every day (I live alone). I have discussed this with my therapist but I have so many fires to put out right now we never really get time to fully cover it.

    I actually have an imaginary friend at my age to fill the void- but unlike a 4 year old I know it's fake.

    Does anyone have any strategies for dealing with loneliness (either fixing the situation or just being able to manage it in your head)? I just can’t to go on like this anymore.

  2. Jacko777
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    Jacko777 avatar
    781 posts
    27 July 2015 in reply to Polka Dots

    Hi Polka Dots,

    I'm sorry to hear you are struggling with this PD, I can see how frustrating it must be for you. I am glad you have tried making friends and I know it's hard but I don't think you should stop. I think you should find activities that you do because you are passionate about them, what are you passionate about? You may find that if you are doing something because you care about it then you will possibly be amongst like minded people and you will have a closer bond. As an example, I am passionate about nature, I am a member of several conservation groups and when we get together we share strong ideals about nature and it's protection and rejuvenation. So I guess I do these things because I care, not specifically to meet people. 

    People may drop off but that doesn't mean you can't ring them. Sounds to me like you could spend some more time on the phone, it's not always easy for someone to catch up when they have a family etc but most people enjoy a chat with a friend on the phone. I bet some times your girl friends struggle in their relationships and would love to chat. 

    I am glad you are seeing a therapist and I hope you can talk about this stuff soon, it's really important, you are unlikely to meet anyone at home. And you can talk here any time and I am sure you have useful advice for others that are suffering and visiting these pages.

    Jack

  3. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
    8810 posts
    27 July 2015 in reply to Polka Dots

    Hi Polka Dots,

    Thanks for sharing your story with us. I am so sorry to read that you are feeling so lonely and struggle to make new friends. I know it is not always easy!

    We recently moved to the country where we know no one and I found that difficult at first. I joined the local Country Fire Service and have met people there. I wouldn't say I have real "friends" there but at least I meet up each week with like minded people as we do our training.

    I also joined a Church and have met new people there. There may be groups or clubs in your region you could join, a bit like Jack has mentioned. It does sound like you have certainly tried in the past, hopefully you will continue to try and connect.

    I was unable to have children and quite often felt very left out when my circle of friends invited each other to their children's birthday parties  but I was never included. So I understand the hurt.

    It is a shame that your friends don't just want to have a girl's night. Have you suggested something like that?

    Like Jack mentioned, you are always welcome to write here how you are feeling. Hopefully other people may come up with some ideas and solutions for you.

    I hope you are able to continue doing the activities that you enjoy, that will certainly help your self esteem.

    Some of my best friends are older than I am by about 15 to 20 years.

    Don't stop trying to chat and connect with people. You never know how things could work out with the next person you connect with!

    Cheers for now from Lauren

     

  4. kanga_brumby
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    4883 posts
    27 July 2015 in reply to Polka Dots

    Ht Polka Dots similar to yourself I have found it hard  to make friends. Most of my old friends have partners and do couple things. Have you tried joining a walking club as in a bush walking club. There are a few around. Most have younger members, some of those are single. Most walking clubs are always looking for new members. Keep shopping around, till you find one you like. There you may find new friends, or even a partner. There is someone out there. I know, it took me 43 years to find mine. Then cancer took her after 6 years together. Now I have to start again, with 2 great kids in tow. That will happen.

  5. Doolhof
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
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    Doolhof avatar
    8810 posts
    27 July 2015 in reply to kanga_brumby

    Hi Kanga-brumby,

    Just wanted to say Hi and sorry to read that your wife/partner died from cancer. That must have been a terrible time for you and the children.

    I hope you are able to enjoy other people's company and you meet another very special lady some time.

    Hope you keep enjoying your walking as well. I enjoy bush walking and am very lucky to have quite a few places close by where I can go walking.

    You don't have any ideas on how to react when approached by neighbours vicious looking dogs that come charging up at me as I walk past their country homes do you? One is a very menacing looking German Shepherd that bares its teeth at me! Horrible thing!

    I did see a kangaroo on a recent walk and that was lovely. There are an amazing amount of birds in our region as well.

    Cheers for now from Lauren

  6. riotofroses
    riotofroses avatar
    1 posts
    4 August 2015 in reply to Polka Dots

    Hi Polka Dots

    I don't have a solution - just writing to say I feel the same way. My friends are all coupled off and have other priorities, so I feel like they have a quota for how much they can see me or talk to me. It's tough not having anyone to call. In fact, most days, what feels tougher is having no one to just do nothing with.

    I'm 26 and I've lived on my own since I was 19. Never been in a relationship either so I understand what you mean about feeling like a freak. Parents and siblings live overseas.

    I suppose my upside is that work is going quite well - to the outside world it probably looks like I'm doing fine. But the moment I wake up everyday and the moment I unplug from a day of superficial connections at work, I just wish there was some way to numb the pain. 

    I don't know if you feel the same but I think the problem is not having any hope, not having anything to look forward to. I don't have a therapist but I'm sure that if I did I would find other fires to put out too.

    Just taking it a day at a time and forcing myself to put one foot in front of the other - quite literally. My coping mechanism is to move from one distraction to another, and just wait for the darkness to lift if it ever will. Too scary to think about if it never does.

  7. kanga_brumby
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    4883 posts
    4 August 2015 in reply to Doolhof

    Lauren in my opinion it was and still harder on my children than for me. I now have bad arthritis in both knees so no more bush walking for this little grey duck. 

    I still enjoy meeting people. That special some one might be around the corner.

    As for dogs when out walking. Try walking in areas where there are none. its good exercise or take up golf its exercise and if played with the right head space. Its a meditation and a frustration relief. You have to move an uncontrollable object to where you want it to go to. With tools not designed to do it properly. If some one is annoying you. You imagine the ball you are hitting is that person. You hit the ball not the person frustration gone    

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