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Topic: Lonely.

9 posts, 0 answered
  1. nib
    nib avatar
    30 posts
    7 September 2021

    I grew up an only child and I have only one friend now. I really do not want to be friends with this particular individual anymore because we are two totally different people and she seems to spend more time with her other friend than with me. I am unsure if I should cut ties with her or not, and this is not a conversation that I am ready to have with her. Discontinuing this friendship means that I will be left friendless. I never used to be like this. When I was in Kindergarten until Year 8 I had some good friends I spent recesses and lunches and weekends with. But, all of this changed when I started being bullied relentlessly, and when all of my friends moved away and when people started turning against me over rumours they heard about me. I also have had a grown man spread lies about me to his entire family and to our lawyers, and have got a grandmother who I am now estranged from threaten to call the police on me and file a restraining order because I stood up to her abuse, and a aunt who I am also estranged from block me on social media out of sheer pettiness (she's one of those brainwashed boss babe influencers), but that's a story for another day.

    This particular individual and I will go out for lunch ONLY if the place of choice is within a certain radius from her house. She's also very tight with her money. She invites her other friend to family events, who she has known for as long as she's known me, and doesn't even think about inviting me as well. Her mother is exactly the same. She never invites my mother out for lunch whenever my mother is not working, but she spends time with her other unemployed friends. She also expects that I spend time with her daughter, but I am seriously reconsidering now, as she never wants to do anything exciting with me, like trying lunch at a new place that is of a further distance from her house, or travelling. It is NOT my job to consistently reach out to her daughter; she can reach out to me every once in a while. She never uses social media, she never looks at me in the eyes when I talk to her, she has a monotone, emotionless voice, like Daria Morgendorffer, she's just very boring all round. I am more lively, passionate and upbeat, and a confident, and I just can't be friends with someone like this anymore.

    What's your advice?

    nib.

  2. geoff
    Life Member
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    geoff avatar
    15298 posts
    7 September 2021 in reply to nib

    Hello Nib, I agree with you, it's not the most ideal 'friendship' to have, someone who doesn't look at you in the face could be from embarrassment but in your situation, it's rather off-putting, you can't be sure whether or not they can be trusted or what they say may be different to what they tell other people.

    It's disturbing when a person looks at your shoulders and not in at your face, in your eyes, because as I said, I don't know whether their story is the same as they've told someone else or going to tell them, may be they do it to everyone, so I wouldn't trust them.

    Your story is a sad one and are you able to swipe the board and develop new friends.

    Take care.

    Geoff.

    2 people found this helpful
  3. nib
    nib avatar
    30 posts
    8 September 2021 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geoff,

    My mother works with kindergarten aged children and she can easily spot the signs of ASD in some of them. She believes that this particular individual I was friends with is on the ASD somewhere. What bothers me about it is that her mother wont do anything about it, whether she is oblivious to it or not. She seems to think he daughter is an introvert (and I can definitely be one myself at times.)

  4. The Bro
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    The Bro avatar
    179 posts
    8 September 2021 in reply to nib

    Gidday nib and thanks for writing a heartfelt post.

    It seems pretty clear that if your 'friend' doesn't make you feel happy and uplifted, that she is not really a friend at all.

    They say 'Laughter is the best medicine' and I think that's right. I spent many years holding on to similar relationships and often felt quite jealous of others who I saw them with having fun, or when noticing large groups of friends at a restaurant having fun.

    So I took some advice, thought long and hard about what things I enjoyed doing (could be anything from swimming, walking, book club, playing cards, bike riding etc etc). Then I googled groups that do these things and joined them. Now I belong to four different groups and get the social interaction I longed for for so long!

    Locally there is a group called MeetUp which organised heaps of different things.

    The secret? I found is to be positive, reliable, and most of all take an interest in others in the group. Ask about their families, hobbies, what they do as well as the group's activities etc. Try not to barge in at the first opportunity to talk about yourself like I used to! Also, try and get to know lots of group members and not just stick with a few as most humans have interesting things to discover about them. A guy I met recently was a bit of an introvert, but after chatting on a long bushwalk one day, I discovered he has climbed Mt Everest without oxygen! Wow was that impressive!

    You know what? Before long others in the groups will start saying to each other 'You know that new person Nib? She's very nice and friendly - lets see if she want to come to the group dinner at the cafe next week'.

    Yep, that's exactly how it works. The hardest part is to get started - reaching out and joining the group to start off with. If you tell the group organiser that you will turn up on the day, make and effort to do so even if you may not feel like it on that day. Chances are it will be fun and you will feel much better for making the effort.

    I hope this helps, like it did with me!

    Very happy to chat more on the forum if you'd like to, to hear if you have taken the above first step!

    Bye for now, The Bro

    1 person found this helpful
  5. nib
    nib avatar
    30 posts
    9 September 2021 in reply to The Bro

    Hi The Bro,

    I agree one-hundred percent. It is always me who has to start the conversation. I try and make open lines of communication with her but she is just so not interested in talking. It doesn't matter what I say to her, all she says is "gooooooooood," again, in her monotone voice. She is more social with her other friend, and seems to have more in common with her. She never asks me how I am going and her mother never asks my mother how she is going either. And they both know I suffer from mental health. It does hurt when your own best friend of nineteen years wont check up on you.

    I personally have never felt jealous of other people having fun with their friends, but it did (and does) make me feel miserable, because I know that I should have a good friendship circle (of like, maybe five trustworthy friends.)

    My Kids Helpline counsellor introduced me to MeetUp. I have heard of a social singles group that I am interested in (via MeetUp), but I don't have the confidence that you have in order to actually leave the house in order to attend the event.

    p.s. How do you know I am female?

  6. The Bro
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    The Bro avatar
    179 posts
    10 September 2021 in reply to nib

    Gidday again nib and thanks for replying!

    I guessed you were female by reading your post carefully, your language and how you described your best friend. I guess I got lucky!

    In regards to your comment about lacking confidence to take the first step - you are right the initial contact and meeting other is always the hardest bit. But very worthwhile once you take that step.

    I think you will find the MeetUp group 'leader' will be used to welcoming people - an acquaintance of mine runs a MeetUp group here on the Gold Coast and has told me some newbies can be quite shy initially and need to feel welcomed. So they are used to that.

    It also think it will help if you look at a group which centres around an interest you may have - eg book reading, bush walking and so on. That then gives you an 'ice breaker' to effortlessly start a conversation.

    The other way is to simply ask questions and show an interest in others in the group. Too many of us are bad at that, and can't wait to get a word in. So try that and listen to what they say!

    I look forward to hearing how and when you take that first step - there's an amazing person inside you waiting to escape!

    All the best, The Bro

    1 person found this helpful
  7. Earth Girl
    Earth Girl avatar
    3 posts
    10 September 2021 in reply to nib
    It's better to be alone than be with someone who makes you feel alone. I know it sucks and I'm sorry all that happened to you, but I don't think this friendship is helping you either. She shouldn't expect you to reach out to her daughter, but barely reach out to you. She should reach out to her own daughter. Stop asking her to hang out and only talk to her if she starts the conversation. A lot of countries have groups for socially isolated people (including adults), that can help you feel less lonely. I go to one and it kind of helps and all the people in it are really lovely. Also, if you can, try to get into a job that involves making lots of friendships such as working in a clothing store - those types of jobs are usually interested in making close friends with other people they work with, after all, those jobs are very sociable and upbeat.
    1 person found this helpful
  8. nib
    nib avatar
    30 posts
    21 September 2021 in reply to The Bro

    Hi The Bro,

    I attend a mental health centre where I live and even though my NDIS application was denied twice, I will be working with an NDIS worker who, I think, will take me to places and do things with me. Maybe I could see if they would like to go to a MeetUp group with me?

    The mental health centre that I attend also runs an art group across the road from a shopping centre I regularly attend. I always tell myself that I am going to give this a try but I just can't manage to get myself out of bed and actually go to it. However, my care coordinator at the mental health centre said to me that she would be happy to take me to the art group.

    We will see how I will go from here, and I will keep you posted!

  9. nib
    nib avatar
    30 posts
    21 September 2021 in reply to Earth Girl

    Hi Earth Girl,

    To her credit, she recently asked me out for dinner at there house (she still lives at home) and I had to cancel on her because I needed an early night's rest. We have alternatively planned to go out to a restaurant for lunch in the upcoming week.

    I have tried working at a supermarket but I didn't really enjoy it (I didn't think it was for me). Not to mention, only one person that I previously worked with works there now, as all of the staff have been replaced. So, something must have happened, as I would have lost my job anyway due to this (as so I would assume).

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