OK so where to start, at the beginning I guess. Arrived here from overseas 5 years ago. Due to my age, thn 49, I knew before I left that I would struggle to get a decent job. I had a good well paid job before I left. I will leave the reasons that I felt I had to leave for later. It was not by choice. When we arrived it was as I suspected. I could not find any work in my trade or at my old level so I ended up taking a casual job as a labourer. I had never been unemployed and I was not about to start. Over the next 18 months I spent approx. 4 hrs a day driving to and from work in the country from the city. My wife being 10 years younger had landed a good job doing what she had previously done in the UK and this was best for her and my daughter who was still at school. During this time she saw it fit to send a txt to what she claims was a random mechanic that was servicing one of our cars saying that she had been made full time. I found out later that night and this was done when she knew I was killing myself getting to and from work to keep us together. She still fails to see how significant this was. The most important thing to happen to us since arrival. I was an afterthought. At 18 months I got a break. Landed a senior role with the same company I’d started in. This unfortunately means that now I pack up and leave on a Monday morning and go home on a Friday night. So I’ve been living out of a bag for just over 3 and ½ years now. When I get home my routine is pretty much to get ready for the following week. Now here is the crux of the matter. Because I am not here during the week I have no social circle. None. People I tend to talk with are in shops etc., you get the idea. Same when I am up north. I am not there at weekends and I have never been one to go to the pub myself, especially during the week. I feel isolated and angry at having to live like this for somebody else’s dream. Most of my week involves work or quite latterly being on my own. I should be looking at semi-retirement as that’s what I had worked towards before we landed here. Now due to exchange rates and taxes etc I’ll be working into my 70’s. I also completely mistrust my wife. Not sure if it’s because of where my head is at the moment but I have no faith in her whatsoever. I do not like what I have become. I am alienating my daughter because I have real problems controlling my moods at home. I am not into meds so I need to find some strategies to get a grip on this as it’s driving me mad.

Hi Jock_the_swagman,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums. It's good that you are talking about this and obviously there are a few issues to deal with. So it's time to make and instigate some fresh plans that will relieve some pressure.

Would you consider visiting a counsellor? With a professional you can start to work out if your mistrust is justified and what you can do about it. Hey right now I want you to know that there will be things you can do to feel better, some times it can take just small changes in our thinking and relief and happiness can come our way. I am no doctor but I think a key would be a professional diagnosis and appropriate treatment that doesn't include meds. 

For me, I practice not losing energy to something that I cannot control or might never happen. In the moment if I have negative thoughts I practice pulling my self up find a diversion in a positive thought. It helps me to be clear about all the important things in my life, I am not just a partner, I am also...a dad, a professional, a volunteer, a drummer, backyard mechanic etc, the more eggs in the basket the more strength I have when one area is compromised. So what other interests, passions, ambitions do you have, and is this way to meet new people?  

Jack

Hi Jocky the swagman,

On the weekends, can you organise something different to do with your family? I do realise you don't have a lot of time on a weekend, but maybe a change of scenery and plans might be a good thing for the whole family.

Have you tried talking to your wife about how you are feeling? I do also understand that finding work is difficult as my husband has been unemployed for a couple of years now! Is it possible for you to change employment?

Could your family relocate closer to you or is that just not an option?

Can you form friendships with people in the same boat as you during the week? There must be other people there who do not like the pub scene. Is there a cinema close to where you are staying? Do you like the movies?

I hope you will find ways to stay connected with your daughter.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

 

Hello Jack, thanks for the reply. I have lots of things I do to keep busy. I even joined the "CFS" to give me "something to do" when I am up north but at weekends I work about the house for things to do. My wife knows my opinions at this time and I am considering a councillor. Like I say I need some way to channel my anger issues without meds.

Hello and thanks for the reply. My wife is very aware of how I feel. Not good for either of us. Movies clubs etc are not an option. The town where I stay has a population of around 400. CFS helps, right now I have no idea where I would be without that one night a week. Job wise I am looking but as my skills have probably lapsed in my main job I am looking at various roles, mainly overseas. Not ideal butatvleast I won't be living out of a bag.

Hi Jocky the Swagman,

I too am a member of the CFS. When we moved to the country a couple of years ago I decided it was one way to meet people and also to be able to help out in some way.

Have you asked any of the people from the CFS if they would like to join you in a meal at the pub now and then?

I sometimes invite the members to our place for a meal and we hope to organise some games evenings as well.

Regrading your anger concerns, I too have that problem. I go out and tackle the garden. One day I went and butchered all of the fruit trees. They seem to have recovered okay, so will see if they set any fruit this year!

Does it help you at all to write things down. You can then screw the paper up and chuck it away.

Some people use punching bags to help get out their frustrations.

We had an old car at the CFS station. I took a sledge hammer to that one night. That helped. My arms were so sore the next day though. Ha. Ha.

Hope you manage to find some solutions. A counsellor might be a good idea or use the web chat or phone lines.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools