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Forums / Relationship and family issues / My boyfriend broke up with me due to depression

Topic: My boyfriend broke up with me due to depression

7 posts, 0 answered
  1. TillieB
    TillieB avatar
    3 posts
    21 February 2020

    My boyfriend & I had been living together as housemates since Feb 2019. We soon started dating and we fell faster in love due to living together and fast tracking the relationship. I've moved out due to finishing studies so I was now living 2 hours away from him since December which was a huge & hard change for us. He still has one year of study left and it is a really full on course but I was full prepared to visit him every week to two weeks and accept that there may be extremely busy periods for him where it is not possible.

    I have been having some physical health problems which has affected our intimacy & thus flared up my symptoms of anxiety & depression over the last three months, without realising it I was leaning on him for a lot of my support to get through my health problems. There was a lot going on for me and I didn't have the energy to divulge it to others, so I relied on him.

    Literally overnight, he realises that he’s suicidal & depressed. He was probably suppressing these thoughts to support me. I urged him to get help which he has gone and done now. However, he asked me for space. It had been 3 weeks since I saw him and I had only spoken to him a few times in that time frame. I was restless and anxious and not coping with the space. I asked if we could meet so we could make a plan going forward with what our new relationship would look like whilst he gets help. I probably also need some help to deal with my own mental illnesses too, but he has really declined. Because of how low he saw himself, he thought during our relationship that I thought he needed to be improved and that I didn't think he was good enough. Which is not true.

    I think that we could be stronger together and we could help each other get help and be there while we build ourselves back up, but he believes he needs to sort his depression out on his own and find a way to love himself and build himself again. We held each others hands, crying, as we both said "I love you" to each other, and then we broke up.

    I am struggling with what to do now. I am not coping. We obviously both love each other, so I can't help but hold onto the hope that when he is doing better we can be together again. Do I check up on him every now and then to see how he is going? Do I completely delete him from my life for 5 months or so and then see? He had been my rock and I feel so heartbroken and lost and I just want to be with the man I love and who loves me. But I guess, it is complicated.


    1 person found this helpful
  2. Matchy69
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    Matchy69 avatar
    5910 posts
    22 February 2020 in reply to TillieB

    Hi TillieB it was great you came on here for some advice.Depression can be really debilitating and affects people in different ways.I have depression and can understand your ex boyfriend wanting space as go through periods where i dont want to talk to anyone and this can be for months at a time.I am glad he has sort help for it and hopefully will improve his mental help.Maby check up on him once in awhile so he knows someone cares and you still do.Are you getting help for yourself and you need to look after your own health as well.This is a great place to talk and it non judgemental.

    Take care,

    Mark.

  3. TillieB
    TillieB avatar
    3 posts
    22 February 2020 in reply to Matchy69

    Hi Mark,

    Thank you for responding.
    He is about to start uni and it's going to be full on (he is completing the last year of the degree I have just done and I found it really hard). I am so torn between giving him space but knowing he withdraws and doesn't get help, I've encouraged a lot of good behaviours in him and I don't want to leave him to suffer alone especially when I went through the same course he did and how hard it was. On the other side, I think I have a lot of signs of Borderline Personality Disorder. I think some of my behaviour towards him, prior to me realising I had this illness, potentially flared up some of his symptoms. I just want to tell him how sorry I am and that now that I am aware of BPD and my behaviour, I can change. I am not coping well at all. I think about him all the time, I try and distract myself or keep busy but I end up crying or breaking down. I haven't eaten or slept. I am really struggling with this loss, especially knowing that he still loves me and wishes he could give me what I need.

    I have tried to organise to get some therapy, but there is a lot of waiting around and a lot of money to spend on it all. I am awaiting a Psychiatrist to get back to me with availabilities for assessment. But in the mean time, the days are so excruciating to live through. And no matter what I try to do, I just end up collapsing either way.

  4. Matchy69
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    5910 posts
    22 February 2020 in reply to TillieB

    Hi TillieB that will be really hard for him studying with depression.I started studying but dropped out in the first year because of my depression and never got back there.I had a friend who had BPD i met her in hospital and know something about it.She was a very lovely girl.There is a movie called Girl Interrupted i dont know if you have seen it and Winona Ryder character has BPD.My friend said she was exactly like her.I am glad you are waiting to see a psychiatris hopefully you can get a proper diagnoses for you and treatment.I know you love your boy friend and is so hard for you to know what to do.You dont want to push him further away and you dont want him to get worst.Keep an eye on him and support him the best way you can.He is so lucky to have you in his life.

    Take care,

    Mark.

  5. TillieB
    TillieB avatar
    3 posts
    22 February 2020 in reply to Matchy69

    Thank you. I really hope he is able to complete his studies. I haven't seen that movie but I would like to watch it, it might provide me some insight to myself. I am constantly torn with a flood of depression, grief after losing the person he was a month ago, grief at the loss of relationship then a flood of hope that we can re kindle our love when he is well, determination to support him and be there for him through this despite the fact he ended the relationship, but still showing love and support. It's hard. I guess I will just keep trying so that he is not completely alone.

    Thanks Mark

  6. Matchy69
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    Matchy69 avatar
    5910 posts
    23 February 2020 in reply to TillieB

    Hi TillieB you sound a lot more positive in this heart breaking situation for you.Grieving for somene you love is one of the hardest things you can go through.Just keep fighting and staying as strong as you can.I hope he can get better and things will improve for you.

    Take care,

    Mark.

  7. AliC.
    AliC. avatar
    27 posts
    9 April 2021 in reply to TillieB

    Hi TillieB

    I’m going through a really similar thing at the moment. I also have anxiety and depression and have been dealing with it for a long time now however and was going through a couple of major life changes and so I was also heavily relying on my now ex boyfriend to be a big emotional support for me and he broke up with me a few weeks ago claiming to need space which like you I found very difficult to give. He has now completely shut me out of his life and won’t speak to me and neither will any of his family when for the past few months between uni semesters I was living with them so I get it. For me the hardest thing has been not knowing he if he taking this time to seek help and look after himself like he said he would when he broke up with me. I hope things get better for you. For me it’s also a waiting game for him to be good...

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