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Forums / Relationship and family issues / My husband of 10 years just came out as Transgender and we have 2 young autistic kids

Topic: My husband of 10 years just came out as Transgender and we have 2 young autistic kids

3 posts, 0 answered
  1. Mostly optimistic
    Mostly optimistic  avatar
    1 posts
    11 April 2021

    Hi Everyone,

    This is my first type of post on any forum so please bare with me. I’ve tried looking everywhere and anywhere for answers but our situation seems to be very unique.

    Last year my husband of 10 years told me he was transgender and wanted to transition to being a woman. Initially this didn’t bother me too much and I tried my hardest to be supportive.

    My biggest concern is we have 2 young autistic children who are very literal thinkers and I know won’t comprehend the change or understand why Daddy no longer looks like Daddy ect.

    I can feel our marriage breaking apart which makes me sad, I think my biggest personal issue is I don’t identify as gay and staying with him after transition would really confuse my own gender identity.

    The other thing that hurts is he knew something was up before we got married and had kids so I feel slightly duped and tricked.

    It’s been a year since I’ve known and I’m still in a tail spin.

    Any advice?


  2. white knight
    Community Champion
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    white knight avatar
    9215 posts
    11 April 2021 in reply to Mostly optimistic

    Hi, welcome

    I feel quite sad for you. Firstly, as I discovered following the split of my first marriage- that kids are resilient. Their principle told me that and I now agree. They adapt far better than we do.

    I wouldnt hold it against him for this news. He likely married you hoping his urges to be female would drift away , it must have been hard to ignore them. Years later they return to the point whereby he cant ignore them so makes the hardest of all decisions, to come out.

    What is of concern is - your life and happiness. I've actually known a couple whereby they remained together in these circumstances and are very happy however, she has gay tendencies herself so that is the key to their remaining together. You do not have such tendencies so I'm sorry to conclude that I do not think it will work.

    If you come to that conclusion also, then the next step is- what do you do?

    IMO, the best situation you can hope for is for him to move out (or you do), find accommodation as near to each other as possible and co parent. The reason this is so important is that this transition isnt any fault of his, nor yours. I dont think he meant to deceive you, I do think he loved you. But life is full of unusual occurrences and for your benefit you are better off making a new life but keeping him in your lives as a friend of yours and a parent to your children.

    Explain to him your needs and desires and that you would like the friendship to continue but to do so you need a life of your own.

    I'm glad you posted here. It's a friendly no judgemental place and you can keep posting on this thread as you need to.

    TonyWK

  3. Summer Rose
    Valued Contributor
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    Summer Rose avatar
    1558 posts
    11 April 2021 in reply to Mostly optimistic

    Hi Mostly optimistic

    Welcome to the bb forum.

    I’m a married woman with two kids and I know that if I was in your shoes, I’d be in a tail spin too. Sadness for your kids, grief and anger for the loss of your marriage and anxiety about the future. I really feel for you.

    I agree with White Knight, I think your children will be okay. They will still have the love of their father, even if things are different, and they have you. I would speak to a child psychologist to seek advice about how to explain this to them in an age appropriate way that takes into account their autism.

    I also tend to think that your husband didn’t lie or try to dupe you. There’s no reason to think he didn’t, and still doesn’t, love you. And because of that mutual love you are blessed with two wonderful children—and that’s a great thing.

    Your husband is on a difficult path and so are you, my friend. Whether you stay or go, it’s going to be challenging.

    My wish for you both is that your bond as parents and your underlying friendship will enable you to support each other as you figure out the next chapter of your lives. My wish for you is love and happiness in a relationship that meets your needs.

    Do your family and friends know? Are they able to provide you with support? I think you’re going to need a good support group to get you through this.

    It might also help to speak with a professional counsellor who understands the situation you’re in. You are not the first couple to go through this, so hopefully there is a way to learn through the experience of others.

    Post any time. Happy to talk more if it helps you.

    Kind thoughts to you

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