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Forums / Relationship and family issues / My partner loves me, but does he actually want to stay with me

Topic: My partner loves me, but does he actually want to stay with me

5 posts, 0 answered
  1. NI1234
    NI1234 avatar
    3 posts
    26 September 2021

    I've been with my partner for 10 years, due to health issues sex has been sore, or can't perform.

    We had just let that side of things slip away, and sorted ourselves out in whatever ways we did.

    we have been trying for a baby and giving our sexual relationship hadn't been going well this has had its moments.

    We both have very low moods, mine because I have lost all self-confidence and his I think because he doesn't feel like a man, not yet had kids, out of work.

    I have been getting low moods for a while while the stresses of trying to convince also the lack of self-love. My partner is a loving man, but I being his first real girlfriend and now in 30s/40s he didn't always know the right things to say. He told me in the nicest possible way that he wasn't attracted to weight on me, I lost weight, he had also mentioned how I didn't wear makeup anymore etc. I've started trying to make more an effort.

    I told him recently how he didn't say I looked good etc, he understood and said sorry he just took it for granted, he really does care about me.

    sex has improved but still issues.

    Due to my age looking at ivf and each reaching out for help.

    But as much as he said he loves me and never wants us to be apart, his want for a family now is more.

    I feel I'm going to lose him if ivf doesn't work, he is younger, it wouldn't be fair to hold him to me if that's his needs.

    So I could lose my chances of ever having a family and the man I love so dear all in one go, I'm felling apart, and I can't see past him leaving me, I should be looking forward in our process of trying for our family but I'm worried so much I can't even think, and keep breaking down.

    I have said to him I'll let you go, go get someone younger, not because I want him too, because I love him so much if ivf didn't work I wouldn't want him hating me and regretting us.

    A good thing is that we are opening up more but, I can't tell him the reason I feel so bad is because he told me in the nicest possible way he wasn't attracted to me and with me losing my ability as a woman to please her man and to give him a child, I am in bits.

    What do I do, how can I fix this?

  2. Petal22
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Petal22 avatar
    1103 posts
    26 September 2021 in reply to NI1234

    Hi NI1234,

    Wellcome to our forums!

    Im so sorry you are feeling this way.

    You are a BEAUTIFUL woman never let anyone tell you anything else! I’m sorry that your husband told you that he wasn’t attracted to you even if if you think it was in the nicest way possible he shouldn’t have said that to you it’s heartbreaking and would have affected your confidence…..

    Maybe you should tell him the truth of how you really feel…….

    LOVE bought you together and I’d love is still there it will keep you together……

    Please tell yourself positive things .

    Im here to chat and I hope everything works out for you….

    1 person found this helpful
  3. NI1234
    NI1234 avatar
    3 posts
    26 September 2021 in reply to Petal22

    Hi Petal22.

    Thank you for writing to me

    i really do appreciate it.

    He knows it was not right and has apologised, he is trying.

    We had a very long talk this morning and rather than making ourselves busy getting out and about we decided to try new things in the bedroom, scrolling on a nearby website we got a list of new things we both have never done. We planned the day just for getting close.

    It went so well. I still think best to see sex therapist counselling to help us.

    I'm still very unsure what will become of us if ivf ends up not working, but I must really try not to get ahead of myself or I will put my walls up, shut him out and fell so deep into depression.

    so yes I don't need to tell myself some positive words, thank you.

    Im a person who finds a way to help all my friends, try to be there for them, but would never tell the truth how much I'm hurting. I honestly think this is the first I've really opened up.

    Today has been a good day, I think I might actually sleep tonight.

    IM feeling a bit more hopeful as we are truly both trying to would this out.

    Thank you so much for caring, I hope all is well with you

    positive words... I am still a woman and I will have my beautiful family soon..

    1 person found this helpful
  4. The Bro
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    The Bro avatar
    139 posts
    28 September 2021 in reply to NI1234

    Hi there NI1234 and a very BIG welcome to our forum!

    It really sounds to me like you guys have the foundation for an excellent and enduring relationship that others would die for - just a few things that need to be sorted out. For starters, it is fantastic that you are actually discussing your issues with each other and working on solutions - many couples just cannot do this and let their feelings wither on the vine with no real communication between them.

    I agree with Petal22's comments about the person you are - thoughtful, caring, prepared to do many things for your lovely man. I hope you don't mind if I offer a few thoughts?

    Firstly, you are putting heaps of emphasis on sex and having kids. I know so many couples who went through difficult times with sexual activity for one reason or another, then many rounds of IVF. Have you heard of the saying 'When the person is ready, the moment will arrive?"

    So with my friends guess what, a year or two after they stopped desperately trying, two of them fell pregnant and yes, the stork delivered lovely babies!

    So to start of with, I would suggest you consider placing less importance on pure sex, and replace it with some of the following:

    1.Flowers - a very simple gesture that says 'I love you' - one a week or so, if you are at work have them sent to him at home (I see he is not working?). Or bring them home with you as a surprise very romantic gift.

    2.Date nights - say once a fortnight or so. Take turns in choosing the destination, keep it a secret, could be dinner, a movie, or wine and cheese in a romantic setting!

    3.Surprise weekends away - follows on from date nights. Surprise destinations, take turns, keep it romantic. Importantly, don't push the sexual side of things, just let it happen if it wants to!

    4. Rewards points - every time either of you does something in particular for the other person eg wash the dishes, you earn points. Each point is worth something eg making the bed, a nice big hug, cooking dinner etc.

    What I am trying to outline is that it seems to me that your relationship simply needs the spark again - couples that show simple respect, regard and love for each other by doing things like those above just might be surprised by how easily romantic moods then happen along with all that sexy stuff - naturally!

    My wife and I have surprise weekends and they have still work wonders for us.

    I really hope some of this might help you guys. Happy to chat further at any time.

    All the very best, The Bro

    1 person found this helpful
  5. NI1234
    NI1234 avatar
    3 posts
    29 September 2021 in reply to NI1234

    I honestly believe if ivf doesn't take he will leave me. Kinda like a deal breaker

    I love him so much, he says he loves me too, but it's like he's getting his head ready for the possibility of never having a child but would need to try at least with someone else

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