Hi all,

I have been with my fiance for 6 1/2 years. We have a 3 1/2 year old daughter together and I have an 11 year old son from a previous relationship. Our daughter has Sensory processing disorder which makes our life stressful sometimes.

Recently I've developed depression with no real reason as to why. I have become insecure and second guessing everything. I absolutely love my girl and I'd be lost without both of them. My partner isn't an intimate person, we don't cuddle on the couch or in bed but our sex life is amazing and we kiss regularly and hold hands like most couples. But lately the sex has stopped, which bothers me as I'm an intimate person and it was my main connection with her. She doesn't understand that and says it's because I'm sad all the time lately and she doesn't see that as attractive.

I have no idea what has caused my sudden depression but I feel it's causing friction in our relationship. I get very insecure and ask her stupid questions that make her feel awkward. She has given me no reason to think she has done anything wrong for me to question her like I do. I don't understand and I'm struggling with it.

My previous ex cheated on me and kccked me out when our son was 6 months old. Ever since then I've had emotional and intimacy issues but thought I had them under control until recently. I just don't know what to do anymore, I can't lose my fiance, I'd be lost without her. What hurts the most is she isn't being very supportive and in a recent conversation she said if we split up she wouldn't keep our daughter from me, we would share 50/50. To me that sounds like she has already given thought to leaving?

I really need some help

Hello Mick, sometimes getting depression is a mystery, not that I'm qualified to say, but there are several points in your post that stand out.

If depression develops with a male in a relationship, the partner doesn't want to be intimate with someone who doesn't seem to improve afterwards, so they wonder why it should happen, especially if they aren't so intimate themselves so it stops.

Even though you might know each other well when somebody develops depression they might not know why or perhaps there can be a reason but that doesn't necessarily mean they can help you, that's why you need to find out why you have it and whether your daughter has been the cause, it may lead onto other factors relating to this, and perhaps your partner may have answers for you, doesn't mean they satisfy you.

You can't expect your partner is thinking about leaving you, maybe it's a thought if you decide to leave to get help, but I wouldn't worry about this yet.

As you are second guessing everything may be connected to your previous relationship and this current one where you aren't being intimate has developed PTSD, again I'm not a doctor.

The questions you ask your partner are what depression is making you do, but to her may seem to be unreasonable, this isn't your fault but your depression, so is it possible to visit your doctor, ask them about the 'mental health plan', which entitles you to 10 Medicare paid sessions to see a psychologist.

Please ask any question you like and hope to continue talking with you.

My best.

Geoff.

HI Mick,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums and thank you for sharing your story. You seem like such a strong person.

Communication is key in a relationship. Have you had a deep conversation about your needs and wants?

Also, have you considered seeing your local GP about your depression? Sometimes its good to get advice from a professional :)

Stay safe and I am here to chat if you need me.

Hi Mick and welcome to our forum!

Geoff and Sophie have given you some thoughtful advice. I'd like to add a couple of comments.

Really meaningful conversation is actually quite hard in a relationship that one party thinks is not going all that well - I have been there! I guess that if you can figure out what it is that has stopped your intimacy that would be a step forward. Try to discuss it, prepare beforehand and do your best to keep the conversation positive and constructive. Make it clear that you are looking forward to a future with her.

One thing I tried successfully was setting up some surprise date nights at random. Sometimes at a local restaurant, or a picnic in the park, and once I set up heaps of candles at home to balance my lousy cooking!

We found that in being seen to make an effort to do something a little bit special, our feelings towards each other grew to another level and helped a lot to banish worries to where they belong.

Anyway, I hope this may help just a little. You sound like a solid and caring person, who deserves the situation to improve.

All the very best for the New Year!

The Bro

Thanks Sophia,

I have tried to have a conversation with her multiple times but all I get is "I don't know what you want me to do to help you, I've said I love you"

Only thing is actions speak louder than words. She doesn't know how to support me ATM and she isn't an intimate person so I'm getting no hugs or cuddles, no telling me it's ok we will get through this. Nothing.

She is always texting on her phone and pays no attention to me. Then I'm the worst person in the world for asking for support and if she really wants to be with me.

Hello Mick, maybe you've summed up all your comments in your last reply.

She isn't paying any attention to you because she's texting on her phone, but to whom and if it's someone else then the 50/50 comes into consideration from what's she's said.

If you ask who it is, you probably won't get the true answer, although she might say it's someone who's been helping her, but you still won't know.

Can you make a decision Mick because it's you who posted the comment and we want to look after and support you.

Take care.

Geoff.

Hey Mick, I rarely come to the site as it brings back too many difficult memories. Your story is identical to mine, though both children were from our marriage and we had 25 years together. The more I pushed her for a sign of affection, the more it pushed her away. Something had changed in her feelings towards me, I subconsciously knew and that gave me depression. I stayed, and with time my partner became bitter and resentful- putting me down in front of our children. I had to leave when my partner took to alcohol and permitted our children (15 and 17 years old) to do the same, plus the texts and messages turned out to be a work colleague she was spending weekends and evenings with -because he "helped" her. I feel you may have come here early enough to save things. Reaching out like you have, is awesome. I would recommend you both going to Relationships Australia. My partner walked out of our first and only 'as a couple' session, and didn't attend her individual session; this action was a strong indicator that it was too late to save things. For your own sanity it can't continue the way it is. I have been alienated from my children because I left- I was "The bad person", "The Home breaker", make efforts to not let things end this way. No matter how things go, ensure your daughter knows that you love her. I hope the new year brings you what you need.

You've had some great advice here op and l can't really add to it so l really hope it helps you . And l know of course , you don't even wanna think about the possibility but just so you know and to the poster above also, the days of women keeping your kids from you are long long gone. Most guys just don't know that laws have changed and he has rights now, usually to 50 50. lf it comes to that and very sadly , please look into and investigate it all as a woman can not keep your own kids from you now , even if , and as sickening as it is , but that it has to go to court to be settled. You and the poster above , have full rights to 50 50 custody in Australia now. Women can get that even if they were the ones to blow up the marriage or have an affair so the fact that you've basically done nothing except become depressed means she can not keep your own children from you.

Good luck anyway and l really hope you can find some help. l also think at only 6yrs she should be supporting you. Not like she's been going through it 20 or 30yrs. l'd also check her messages if l were you or ask her or something, l'd guarantee if that was you texting all night she'd be snooping though your phone.

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Thanks everyone for responding,

We went away for a few days to a place with barely any phone reception, yet she was still on it trying to get reception and texting when she did. She carries her phone on her and sleeps with it next to her so I can't go through it.

We had a few calm discussions and we still end up back at the same place. She thinks nothing is wrong and doesn't understand, she doesn't know how to help me. She thinks I'm asking for her to change who she is, but I said I just need her to step out of her comfort zone a little to help me out, to which I got no response except to change the subject.

She has said there is no one else, hasn't lost interest in me and there's nothing more she can say. I just thought she might have been more supportive.

She tells me she loves me but actions speak louder than words. Unfortunately I think I'm starting to give up. I'm losing interest in trying to talk to her about it and I'm not getting as upset as I was. I just don't understand what went wrong and that's hurting me the most.

I don't know what I'd do with myself if we split up, I'll have 2 kids to 2 different relationships which is what I never wanted. I feel like I'm a massive failure. I do everything she asks me to do, I help around the house, I pay my share of everything and I put in 100% into this relationship and for what?

Hi again Mick - thanks for the update!

I'd like to suggest two things.

It sounds very much like she has become psychologically attached to her mobile phone - it is called 'Nomophobia'. It is is recognised as a real mental condition and is capable of wrecking relationships. Maybe talk to your Doctor, or try a circuit breaker and ask her to leave the phone alone for day a day or two? This will be helped if the two of you are away from home eg at the beach etc,

The second is you have said that actions speak louder than words - how about setting up a date night as per my previous suggestion? This is bound to impress her!

All the very best with your relationship for 2022.

The Bro.

Hi all,

I have tried talking to my partner about how I feel, about what's happening in our relationship and what her thoughts are on what we can do. Basically I got told that she doesn't know how to help me, she doesn't know how we are going to get through this. We nearly broke up a week ago because she said she isn't interested in changing or going out of her way to help me.

Since then I have been feeling a lot better, I'm not sure why. I haven't been depressed or upset. But she seems to be distant still and spending lots of time doing her own thing and sitting on the couch on her phone.

I feel it's over, especially since she will not support me but I'm unsure what to do. I think I'm becoming emotionally detached..

Hi MickC,

I am sorry to hear about your situation right now. I am not sure if this will be of any help to you and I hope that it will be OK, but I thought I would provide some perspective from the point of view of a wife supporting a a husband with depression.

But firstly, I think the most important thing is that if you believe you are depressed, to seek medical advice. Perhaps as Geoff suggested, you can make an appointment with your GP, and ask your fiance to go with you as support?

At the beginning, when my husband first fell into depression, I did what I thought was trying to support him. I was here. I told him he should talk to someone. I asked what I could do. I told him I loved him. I asked him to talk to me. For someone who has not suffered depression, I thought this might be enough. But it wasn't. And it wasn't for lack of caring. I simply didn't know what he expected or wanted. And anything I did was thrown back at me as me not caring.

From his point of view, I don't think he knew exactly what he expected or wanted either. And he wasn't able to communicate that to me. But he also felt that having to ask me, or having to tell me what he needed or wanted, meant that whatever support I provided wasn't genuine because he had to ask for it. You mentioned that she has said to you, that she doesn't know what you want her to do. Have you tried telling your fiance exactly what you might need from her?

My husband eventually went to see his GP. He is on medication and seeing a psychologist. I myself was referred to a psychologist as the whole situation has caused my some anxiety. Together, we have been seeing a relationship counsellor for over a year now. And there are a lot of things that we have improved on, but the most important thing is, communication, and finding that connection again.

I guess my point is, maybe she does genuinely care, but really doesn't know how to support you. Maybe you have, but if you haven't, tell her exactly what you expect and need from her. It's then up to her to decide whether that's something she's willing to do.

If you feel up to it, please keep us updated with your situation and reach out if you ever need someone to listen.

Hello 815, I really like your reply to MickC because in his reply it feels much better where he knows what position he's in with his wife, it's broken a linked chain that happens in a marriage when she wants nothing to do with him.

It is difficult trying to open up to your spouse because if you do, then you may only be told that you're wrong and silly for having these thoughts because it's not true, the problem is, that's exactly how we feel and no matter how long or how much you are told this, it's not the way how you feel and the longer you are told this, the worse your situation gets.

Take care.

Geoff.

Thanks for the replies.

First off, I have been to the doctor and she changed some of my medication which she thought could be the cause of my depression. That was just after Christmas. Within a few days I was nearly back to normal, but I admit I need to seek counciling and I'm on a waiting list for 5 months. I have spoken to Mensline which has also helped.

Now I've sat down and spoken to my partner a few times now, explaining my thoughts, my feelings etc but she says it's too late and we've lost our spark now. I was depressed for maybe 4 weeks, I don't understand how someone who claims to love you can abandon you when you need them the most.

Since my last post, we had another discussion and we've decided to seperate. I barely got spoken too and was treated like a room mate for weeks before I made this decision. It kills me that this is they way it's ending, when 2 months before we were talking about having another kid, wedding and buying a house.

I'm so lost and confused.

Hi op , and l'm so sorry that things are heading that way,

But tbh , l'm a bit lost at a woman telling you after 1 or 2 mths of down , that you two have lost your spark , well hello , of course you have . Any relationship goes in waves and tbh a mth or 2 of depression is not much of a wave compared to what a 20 or 30yrs marriage goes through , it's nothing in fact. l'm amazed she is quitting this so easily. Tbh , and l'm sorry to say this but at the same time it might be good for you to take her of that pedestal. Bc she is made of very very poor and self centered stuff and l'm dumbfounded at her lack of, in all honesty. l know there are children too and sadly so much to consider , but she isn't considering any of that either , just bc of a few mths. And where is her support to you.

As sad as it is for you and your kids , as far as marrying this woman though, l think she's done you a big favor in showing her true colours

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