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Forums / Relationship and family issues / NEVER BEEN LIKE THIS BEFORE AFTER A RELATIONSHIP

Topic: NEVER BEEN LIKE THIS BEFORE AFTER A RELATIONSHIP

3 posts, 0 answered
  1. RossC
    RossC avatar
    2 posts
    4 May 2014

    Hi , first time here, just thought I would write something as I find im just not coping.

    My story, am 39 have a daughter who is my life and was pretty much single for last 8 years, was happy, enjoying life, had goals, a good job, a nice house, everything was rosy, wasn't after a relationship and wasn't seeking one. I then met a woman that basically pursued me and before I know it was being spoilt in every way imaginable, presents, love, sex, fun etc I honestly fell madly in love and was enjoying it greatly. However it wasn't long before I realized something wasn't right, this woman would constantly belittle my family, friends and especially my daughter, all females that had anything to do with my life, from exes to nieces, to sister to friends wives. I knew it wasn't right and tried to end it but she would keep coming back.

    After 12 months together of definitely the most intense relationship I have ever been in, I returned home from work(Im a fly in fly out worker working away for 4 weeks at a time) to find out that she had been seeing two different men for about the last 2 months, including when I was even home. She cut off all physical contact and via email and sms denied everything over and over. Over a period of a week or two I received photos text messages and emails from her own friends who were so disgusted with what she had done and was still doing. The content of all was basically that I would just go away in time and she could get on with her new man. The dishonesty, deceiving and betrayal ultimately brought me to my knees, I completely fell apart emotionally. I sought counselling and got an understanding of what type of person I was with, extremely insecure and no empathy, I did already know this and tried my best to reaasure her  but as counsellor said I would never have been able to do enough for her.

    The problem I found now is it has been over 4 months and I am still really really struggling, im back at work at moment, I cant eat sleep, function, spare hours are spent trying to find any information I can via social media or friends. Its all left me in shock and in fact in shock at myself for doing it as I have always considered myself to be a strong person and never imagined someone effecting me so badly. She was in fact a terrible person even when I was with her but for some reason I cant let go. I haven't spoken to her in a month and the last time she was still denying everything even as her friends were telling me 'yes they are definitely together'.  I know this is probably a minor thing to most people, couples break up everyday, but for the first time in my life im just not coping, even after all this time I just want to curl up in a corner and cry. For first time I understand why people take their lives to escape the pain, (I wont, I have a daughter that I live for). I would have her back at the drop of a hat even though I knew from start I shouldn't have been with her, how is this possible??

    I think as I have no access to counsellor here I just needed to tell someone how much im still hurting. I no longer see a future, I no longer get enjoyment from the same things or even look forward to being home. I just want it all to go away....

    Thanks for reading.

  2. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
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    white knight avatar
    9388 posts
    4 May 2014 in reply to RossC

    I was in a long term relationship with a lady that never made effort with my daughter and constantly criticised her.

    As most custodial parents would attest, there is an invisible line that the step parent cant cross.  With my ex defacto wife it was threatening my daughter that "you'll have to go back to your mother to live if you dont keep your room tidy".  That was the beginning of the end.

    Step parent situations are fickle.  If the step parent tries to develop a trusting, non abusive and caring relationship with the child/children it will likely work out over time. If not it will be toxic quickly.

    This woman not only criticises your daughter but seems possessed by all those around you. Seems a very controlling person to me.  Pick yourself up by dating someone even as a friend, time can help you t move on also but for the sake of your precious relationship with your daughter use that fact alone to convince yourself you have done the right thing. 

    Seems some people appear as flowers when they enter ones life then they transform into fly catchers

    Good luck. You'll be ok

  3. CrashCoyote
    Valued Contributor
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    CrashCoyote avatar
    640 posts
    30 May 2014 in reply to RossC
    Hi RossC, 

    I am 50, twice divorced, had other long term relationships and struck a similar thing to you in my last long term relationship.My partners had always pursued me (for whatever reasons) and when I was in their lives they made me the centre of their world. It wasn't one way traffic but I felt very secure in knowing they wanted the relationship more.

    Then I met the last one. I chased after her. She responded well, was loving and affectionate but as I began to fall deeper in love with her (and want more) she began to grow distant. It was like squeezing jelly. The tighter I squeezed, the more she slipped away.

    After two years we were in a relationship that was causing me more pain than pleasure. When inclined, she was was affectionate, passionate, even talked about us marrying "some day". It took me five MORE years to realise that it was going nowhere and I kept giving more and more yet getting less and less. It finished six months ago and I still miss her every day

    Even though I think back over our relationship and realise I do not even want what she is capable of offering, I can't wipe her from my mind. I still have this fantasy in my head that she wants what I wanted and will eventually get there.  

    I have learnt that it is because she is a love avoidant and I let myself become addicted to her. She was fine with "us" early on in the relationship. She had a lot of flexibility and could maintain enough distance. As I began wanting more commitment, it freaked her out. Suffocated her. 

    After listening to her tell me about how every relationship she had been in before me was one in which she was ignored, cheated on and sometimes abused, I thought I was the answer. I didn't just love her, I adored her. (Maybe still do.)

    But we'd both broken the mold. She liked her previous relationships because she didn't have to worry about commitment. Those men were indifferent and she liked that. I liked my previous relationships because I was in control and got as much attention and commitment as they could give. The way I stay strong and not contact her is by reminding myself that she can't give me what I want and that I cannot be the man she is attracted to.

    I was once with a woman that treated my daughter as she did yours but that was enough for me to dump her as soon as I saw it. Think about the things you'd like to find in a new lady and you'll see that woman has very few of them.You deserve better and so does your princess.

    Kind regards, John

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