Welcome to the forums and thank you for joining us. I want to echo WaterFront in that you are not an awful person. You've done awful things, and there's a difference.
It takes a lot of courage and insight to reflect on your behaviour and acknowledge that it wasn't okay, and I respect that. I hope that the forums can feel like a safe space to talk about what's going on for you.
I'm going to link to a couple of resources and hope you find them helpful. All of them are free.
Mensline: this one specialises in chatting with men and talking about responsibility and your behaviour. They have free phone counselling but also you can chat online if that seems a bit less daunting-
Better Man: this is a free resource helping to reflect on some of the triggers (which you might not notice at first) and coping strategies. Weirdly it says its for people in certain states but I'm not in those states and can access it fine-
Both of these are for men, but if you're female (or identify as one) the Better Man resource could still be helpful.
Hopefully this can be helpful and thank you for being here.