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Forums / Relationship and family issues / Not compatible, he's moved on, too much at stake to leave

Topic: Not compatible, he's moved on, too much at stake to leave

14 posts, 0 answered
  1. puzzlegirl
    puzzlegirl avatar
    32 posts
    4 September 2021

    Hello,

    Thanks for reading. We've been together for 22 years, met as teens, and as life has moved on we have discovered we are so different from each other. Add to that, he has found another woman who he totally should just be married to, and it makes me feel like I want to just disappear. This new relationship of his has pretty much dissolved our marriage, yet there are many implications for jobs/child if we divorce. I am left in a situation where it is very clear that I am unloved and unwanted (these words have been spoken), but unfortunately I still love him. I feel like a fool. I want to disconnect myself from him, but I can't let got of this marriage that has been a big part of all of my life. I wish I could just turn off my love. I am extremely heartbroken, and daily feel pretty low about myself- easy to do when you are told you are not wanted, or shown by action that the other woman is more important. I've reached out because no matter how many times I tell him how I feel, there is little compassion for it. I don't feel 'heard' or understood and it is driving me crazy. I can't really tell close family or friends about this, because that would not go well for his work life. I very much just want to disappear from the marriage, but I feel I am trapped and have to stay. I will until our child is old enough to move out, but then I'd really love a chance at a relationship where I am actually loved and wanted. Does anyone out there feel the same? What tips have you got for a lonely and unloved women? How do I find my value outside of the one place where I 'should' feel accepted? Really, I am just looking for a community of people who just 'get' this. Thanks in advance.

  2. WaterFront
    WaterFront avatar
    58 posts
    5 September 2021 in reply to puzzlegirl

    Hi puzzlegirl,

    Welcome to the forums. I am so sorry to hear you are going through a really tough situation right now. I don't want to tell you what to do as everyone's situation is different and only you know what is best for you. I don't know if thinking you just have to put up with not being valued and respected is necessarily the best thing for your wellbeing. Talking to someone who is independent of the situation might really help. BB has some of these services available and I'm sure others from the BB community will be along soon to offer some advice and support. Your partner has been such a big part of your life for most of your adult life and I'm sure it's scary to think of that no longer being the case.

    Big Hugs.

    WaterFront

    1 person found this helpful
  3. puzzlegirl
    puzzlegirl avatar
    32 posts
    5 September 2021 in reply to WaterFront

    Thanks Waterfront,

    Ah, if I were you I am certain I'd be giving bucketloads of advice, so I appreciate the simple acknowledgment that this is freaking hard. I am planning to see a psychologist to simply talk it out, but I am also scared that the only advice I will receive is 'leave him'. Ultimately, I know this is actually the answer, but doing it seems so insurmountable right now. Thanks again.

  4. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    15102 posts
    6 September 2021 in reply to puzzlegirl

    Hello Puzzlegirl, I, too am very sorry this has happened, but now both of you are different as you've told us, but holding on to your love for him will change as soon as you find another person to fill this spot.

    Being married for 22 years, we tend to change our likes, dislikes in what we used to enjoy years ago, we no longer do, but that's why two people meet and marry, they both love doing similar activities, but as time passes they can grow apart.

    Your husband has found another person, unfortunately, but let yourself be free by meeting up with another person, then you can show them the love you're after and how they will prove exactly the same to you.

    You can still hold a spot for your husband but this may fade away as you grow with your new partner, you are just as entitled to do this for your own satisfaction and health, which are both very important.

    Take care.

    Geoff.

  5. puzzlegirl
    puzzlegirl avatar
    32 posts
    8 September 2021 in reply to geoff

    Thanks Geoff.

    Yes, unfortunately you speak the words I know are true. It's stupid, this relationship of his has never been called an affair- however there is the love, affection, heart to heart, and kindness (everything short of the hugs, kisses and sex) that definitely makes me feel like I've been dropped and he's moved on. I very much want to be free, I am slowly losing the conviction that I am worthy of being loved, though, so kinda just sit here in surrender to my lot. I fought this thing because I thought I deserved to be treated better, but I've settled in this funk of just don't care because it's too hard. And of course, there are some mean words and actions I have done in response to this relationship as I was fighting it. So, I have caused plenty of hurt. Just want to close my eyes and wake up when the nightmare is over. So I guess I'm just kinda moving through life at the moment with my head in the sand, ignoring the glaring truth. And I agree, I guess it will feel better if I find someone who can love me well. And honestly, no ill to my husband, he's great guy, just not my guy. Thanks for your reply.

  6. jtjt_4862
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    jtjt_4862 avatar
    302 posts
    8 September 2021 in reply to puzzlegirl

    Hi puzzlegirl,

    I'm very sorry to hear what has happened to you. I can't imagine how much you hurt you must be feeling, after all the commitment and love that you've provided to your partner, only to not have it reciprocated and ignored. Marriage and having a child as well makes the situation much more complicated too... It sounds rough...

    It is as you said, he's not your guy. His needs in life has changed, and he's decided to move on without you. For someone whom you loved so dearly to decide to move on without you. The betrayal of the trust that you've had with them, even after stating each others vows during marriage too. It creates a sense of abandonment and unworthiness as it makes you question "why, after all I've done for you...". It will definitely take lots of time and self-love to heal through this heart break, but I can assure you your feelings for him will subside over time. Once you're into the healing phase a bit more, you'll realize your self-worth, and that you too deserve a more capable partner who will value you much more than your previous partner.

    It is advisable to speak to someone whom you can openly speak to about this situation for support, but I understand your wishes to keep it quiet from friends and family to not ruin his career. It's very strong of you to do so even after what he has done to you and the marriage/relationship. You could seek out a therapist/relationship advisor who may be able to help you through your tough times, and be the ones whom you can speak to openly. There's also the warm and friendly BB Forums too if you'd like to let out anything that's on your chest, we're happy to listen to you more puzzlegirl.

    Jt

  7. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    5692 posts
    8 September 2021 in reply to puzzlegirl
    Hi puzzlegirl,

    Thank you so much for your openness and strength in sharing this here. We know that it can be really difficult to take that step, but we think it’s so good that you did.

    We just wanted to reach out and echo some of the lovely responses here. It sounds like it’s been incredibly hard, and we’d really encourage you to reach out to talk about this. Here’s some options for who you could speak to. It might help to keep these handy so that you have them to reach out to whenever you want to talk: It can make a real difference having someone to talk to.

    We’re really glad you could share here, and we hope the kind words of our community are helpful to you. Please feel free to share more or give an update at any time you feel comfortable doing so. This community is here for you.

    Kind regards,

    Sophie M
  8. puzzlegirl
    puzzlegirl avatar
    32 posts
    8 September 2021 in reply to jtjt_4862

    Thank you. And thanks to everyone who has replied. This is the first time I've spoken about it, and I am overwhelmed with gratitude just in the knowledge that I have a community of support. It's the first time I've felt this. I still feel so very much alone and lonely, but talking here takes a bit of the edge off that. I didn't realise how important just being 'heard' was. Nothing has changed in my situation, but for the first time I feel I have a voice, though it is small. I am so thankful.

  9. puzzlegirl
    puzzlegirl avatar
    32 posts
    23 September 2021

    So, I thought I'd post an update. Husband has since told me that he has a plan in motion that will see us slowly separating over the next few years. It is official- he is well and truly done with me. No amount of me wishing and hoping for reconciliation will work. I am defeated, and I am numb. I am finding this new information difficult to process- only a few days ago I thought there was a small glimmer of hope, but in my blindness I forgot that once he makes a decision he sticks with it. So, out I go, slowly piece by piece. I'm not sure how to navigate it. I don't know when we will begin to feel like roommates, but I know it's inevitable. After 20 years of kissing the same person, I don't know how to ... not. Any tips on how to navigate divorce over a few years while still living together would be great. I feel like it will be a series of letting go, of putting up walls and barriers, and I know it's gonna hurt like hell because it already does. Right now it's just freaking awkward, and everything hurts. I can't even look at a dress I wore to this years anniversary without wanting to throw it away. Arggh! Thanks in advance.

  10. WaterFront
    WaterFront avatar
    58 posts
    24 September 2021 in reply to puzzlegirl

    Hi puzzlegirl,

    I'm so sorry to hear your husband is treating you this way and having no consideration for your feelings. He has set the agenda and expects you to go along with it. He seems to be thinking about what he thinks he wants and needs and sounds like he isn't caring about how this is/will affect you. I can understand how painful this must be for you and how hurt you are feeling.

    Maybe you should give some thought to whether his plan suits you, and if it is something you are willing to cope with over time. If reconciliation is not an option, then ask yourself how you want the separation to go, what your requirements are. You have agency in this also.

    WaterFront

  11. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    15102 posts
    24 September 2021 in reply to puzzlegirl

    Helo Puzzlegirl, nice to hear back from you and I'm so sorry but when your spouse/partner decides the marriage/relationship is over, it's very difficult to reverse their decision, simply because they have made other plans already or perhaps made them a long time ago.

    So as much as it hurts you, you need to claim what you want, and if I can ask, are you going to sell the house or is one of you able to buy the other one out, from my experience it's better to sell the house and split the dividends because living in the same house brings back too many memories, and we caan talk about this if you want to.

    Geoff.

  12. puzzlegirl
    puzzlegirl avatar
    32 posts
    24 September 2021 in reply to geoff

    Thanks Waterfront and Geoff.

    Waterfront, I appreciate your comment that I also have agency in this. Because at the moment I feel like I have been defeated and everything that is happening is against my will. But yes, Geoff, you are right, there is no coming back from this. It's up to me to navigate this in a way that upholds some level of honour and respect for both myself and my husband. And I now know that he made this decision more than 12 months ago, just only now feeling confident to tell me about it. I feel like I have just jumped onto a fast rollercoaster and I'm going to have to take the ride whether I like it or not. About the finances- we are on our way to owning a house outright (actually this is the marker he has set for finalising the paperwork- once the house is paid off, we are done). He has said that he is actually going to give the house to me- he hates that house and wants to make sure I am financially provided for. The house we own is an investment fortunately, so the plan will be to each find a house to live in once all is said and done so the lived in house memories won't stick around. Right now, it's the little things. Like I know how he 'smells'- it's unique to him. I realise one day that familiar thing won't be there. And one day I won't iron his shirts, or make his dinner. One day we won't drink coffee together. There's a strange wind-down happening- I guess it's the beginning of a grief process. Just one I wasn't ready to begin. Thanks to you both for your kind thoughts- it's strange to seek support from strangers when there is none of it in the comfort of your own home.

  13. WaterFront
    WaterFront avatar
    58 posts
    24 September 2021 in reply to puzzlegirl

    Hi puzzlegirl,

    Your husband has had 12 months to process his plans and decision while you are still reeling from the disclosures he has made. When you are ready, I would encourage you to investigate your options (google 'legal advice family relations online' for free gov. advice). I don't think you are not there yet as you are still clearly just trying to make sense of the situation and deal with the devastation you are feeling. It sound like he wants to do the right thing financially for you at the moment so that you and your child are looked after in that way. It doesn't hurt for you to know where you stand from a legal perspective.

    I read somewhere (it may have been another BB thread) that the hardest thing you will ever do is grieve the loss of someone who is still alive. The grief process sucks. It is hard and long and painful. However, you do find your way through it and emerge stronger than before even if you don't think so right now. I'm sorry you have to go through this and want you to know the BB community are here to support you whenever you might need to connect.

    WaterFront

  14. puzzlegirl
    puzzlegirl avatar
    32 posts
    24 September 2021 in reply to WaterFront

    Thanks Waterfront.

    You have captured everything that I am feeling. I am reeling. I am devastated. I commented to him that it feels like our marriage has died, but that I have to daily deal with the 'carcass'. It's unhealthy to be around dead things. And that is what is so confusing about all of this. And I feel like failure- how will my child deal with parents who couldn't make marriage work? Mine are 45+ years married, his divorced about the same time as us. Yes, grief sucks, and I'm looking forward to the closure of it all (finalisation of everything) so I can finally 'bury' it, but it was a death I never wanted to encounter. So it all just feels unfair. Thanks for your practical and heart advice, both are very much appreciated.

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