My boyfriend and I of 9 months broke up about 5 weeks ago.
We started seeing each other when the Melbourne lockdown finished and he became my whole world. I was trekking across the city to watch his cricket games, or to just hold his hand while he coached because all I wanted was to be around him. I knew that he was a busy guy when we got together but at times it was hard, between uni, work, cricket (he was at cricket events min 5 days a week) and our relationship. This became something I said bothered me because I felt like I was the last item on the list and the solution was for me to cope through cricket season and then he'd have more time for me when it finished. This happened for a period of time which I was grateful for, we seemed to be getting on well and even planned a holiday away together with friends, this is where the cracks started showing.
When we were away he was always making remarks and comments, comments that would belittle me and make me feel small and when I would get upset I was 'ruining the holiday'. The Saturday after we got back was our 6 month anniversary which I was really excited to celebrate with him but he bailed on me to watch the footy with his dad and then got really angry at me, thinking that I was trying to control him when I would make comment on how it made me feel sad that he wasn't spending that day with me. Later that night he came round with flowers and apologized and I forgave him.
Then his dad gets drunk at his 50th and starts laying into me about how I was trying to control his son and how I needed to back off. I went to bed beside myself in tears feeling confused because my ex called the shots in our relationship. I was still upset the next day but my ex refused to come see me and comfort me.
Fast forward and from here we spent the next 2 months fighting every other day and not getting on, he wanted to leave multiple times but I was always convinced that we could fix things. The intimacy stopped and he became more physical with me. He would push me, pinch me, trip me, scream at me for taking up too much of the bed.
I know that in reality the break up was for the best because in the end he started treating me really poorly, doing things like screaming at me in the street on nights out and punching walls to make me feel physically unsafe, however, I've not been able to shake this feeling of missing him and loneliness since and all I want to do is reach out to talk to him even though I know I need to let go.