Hi everyone,

Just over a year ago my first relationship of 2 1/2 yrs came to an end.

I am still grappling with the feeling of loss and pain that this caused me. Her asking to leave was a complete surprise and I was in no way unhappy with her or our life together.

During the time that we were together, her mother passed away at 53 from cancer. I feel like I felt that loss alongside her and that her loss was mine as well.

Just recently, her mother's former fiancee sent me a letter with a picture of us together. Unbeknownst to him, that arrived on the anniversary of the breakup. Then he told me about her grandmother's funeral not a week past. Against my rational judgement, I felt obliged to go since I was informed. Now all the hurt and pain and loss is refreshed and sometimes it is difficult to leave the house.

It felt so hard at the time to pursue this girl, and now that it is over, I don't know if I have the strength to start again. I feel alone and hopeless, and of the few friends that I do have, quite a few are shared friends. This makes it even harder because I am constantly hearing about her.

I cannot relinquish the thoughts of her and would even have her back under the right circumstances. Unfortunately, she has become a born-again, rather evangelical Christian and that hurts even more because I don't want to have to deal with that.

Finally, she expects to be able to talk to me as friends, and I don't think that I will ever accept that level of relationship with her.

Sorry if this is a mess, but whenever I think about this everything is turned about.

Dear Firefly

Hello and welcome to the forum. I am sorry you are struggling with your loss at this time. Caring for someone but not being able to be with that person is a hard struggle. It is so often the case that when we see someone we love but cannot be with, just the sight of that person can bring back all the memories. And now you need to go through the grieving process again. I think you will discover that it's not as painful as the first time, although I do understand it is still quite painful.

There is not a lot you can do about this except to let time heal you. If you feel raw when you speak to her then it's probably best not to be in her company. Some people feel a bit guilty when leaving a relationship and want to make sure the other person has recovered and is happy, or they believe it's better to act as though there was no relationship at all. Unfortunately you cannot change the way you ex GF thinks or behaves. All you can do is stay out of her way, not be in the same places she will be. Ignore texts and not answer the phone if she calls, if you have caller ID.

Dreaming of her returning to you is prolonging your unhappiness although I can relate to that. It happens when you least expect it and really takes you by surprise. At times like these you must learn to wrench your thoughts away from this and concentrate on something happier. I know this is easy to say and not so easy to do, but practice will make it easier.

Your ex GF beliefs are really none of your business. If this is what she wants then it's up to her. It may be that her new-found beliefs are saying she should continue to talk to you as though nothing has happened. Who knows. Whatever her reasoning you cannot change this and you will hurt yourself more if you get upset by her new faith.

I'm not sure if I have been of any help to you. I think you know she will not return. If you meet someone else what do you think you would do differently? I ask because you said she asked you if she could leave and I wonder why. And you say Unfortunately, she has become a born-again, rather evangelical Christian and that hurts even more because I don't want to have to deal with that. This was her decision whether or not you approve. Was this a feature of your life together, only 'allowing' her to do what you felt was right? Perhaps you can think about this.

I hope you will write in again.

Mary

Hi firefly1,

Don’t know how much I can help but, for the empathy I bear a fellow wounded heart, here goes....


I’ve been there, in a position not so different from yours...the person you were most dedicated to has kicked you aside, yet your still entangled in her, you lose your friends as well as her because they were mutual ones. And I recently heard about my former girlfriend getting a job that sent me back into a depressive spiral, she was also somewhat religious so I get that too in a way.


I think the point about her becoming an evangelical Christian is pertinent, basically (in my view) that is the physical act she has taken that has can possibly shatter any illusion of being with her again as she has now signed up to a set of beliefs that you can’t ever really accept. It hurts because it destroys the hope that it could all be as it once was or better, yet in another way it can help put things to rest. In a sense you could consider (and I’m not trying to be morbid or anything so bear with me) that the woman you loved is dead and there is a new person, with new beliefs etc. that just happens to occupy the same body, and maybe grieve over the death of the woman you loved.


From personal experience (which I know may or may not apply to anyone else) something like that helped, I acknowledged that the woman I was
with is gone, she exists only in the past and in my memory now...doesn’t mean I love her or miss her less...but accepting she is gone...much though I may hate the fact...is at least a first step for me.


I think you’re right, you will never accept a friendship with her, sounds as if your love for her ran too deep, for your own good you may just have to cut any and all contact and avoid people who might remind you of her.


I hope you find someone or something that makes you truly happy as everyone deserve to be, or at least a modicum of peace.

Hi Dorian,

Thanks for the support mate.

That is an interesting way of processing the situation. I don't think I have the imagination to be able to pull it off, but I will consider your words.

I think I will have to embargo all talk about her with my friends. It is probably the only way to let this go.

Hi White Rose,

Well, I almost didn't return after reading your post, but I feel that maybe you've simply misunderstood the position that I was in.

It wasn't that I was 'allowing' her only to do certain things. It was that if I didn't make the decision, then nothing happened. She didn't seem to want to make any important decision by herself.

While her beliefs may be "none of my business", they still affect my emotions of the situation regardless. In discounting this, I wonder if you are looking for a way to blame me for this rather than her? I still cannot understand what I did wrong with her and I don't know what I would change in my approach to another relationship. Indeed, I feel like I was too accommodating for her needs and tended to neglect my own.

Thanks for your advice. I will consider what it means for me.