Dont really know where to start this question...Firstly Hi my name is Craft and i have a daughter and son in-law (adults, who dont live with me) They are both mildly intellectually disabled and have been married for about 16 years. They constantly argue over the smallest thing and then my daughter rings me and tells me of their argument and she usually blamed her husband, but after speaking with him i find it is usually her that has started the problem...Anyway i am getting very depressed wit these constant phone calls and really need advice as to what to say to them. I have tried to give advice, marriage councillor,talk to one another ,listen to your partner,have respect and consideration for each other, no one can solve this but yourselves by making changes etc etc etc. They live in their own home in a village, but there have been complaints about them arguing and have been warned if it continues they will be asked to leave....but they continue to argue. I am so worried for them but i am not getting threw how important it is to NOT argue and i just dont know what to do any more. Could anyone give me some advice as to how i can approach this problem ...please? Thank you

Hi craft, welcome

Its a fine line

Firstly, they won't stop arguing. Perhaps they should learn to keep their voices down.

Now, short, direct simple questions. Eg

"Ask yourself what you said that upset your husband" or

"There is a reason couple attend marriage counselling isn't there"?

Once you answer her with a question then you are not having an opinion, you are not getting involved as such. Then you follow it up with...a totally different statement and question...eg

" ask yourself what you did that upset your husband" daughter replies eg "I didn't do anything" you say "I dug up my vegie garden today and planted some corn..do you want some when they are ready for picking"?

She will feel compelled to answer your corn question.

This might frustrate her and insist you listen to her. So you listen, then repeat the above, short simple question then statement and unrelated question.

Practice makes perfect.

Tony WK

Thanks for the reply, it is a VERY fine line indeed. I will try again and see what happens. I have done this but it was a fair while ago, i must admit. I have spoken about keeping their voices down and not yelling (i hate words spoken in anger, never achieves anything) . They both agree when we talk on the phone that they dont like arguing, and things have to change, but neither of them will make the first move to put it right. i am getting that way i shudder when the phone rings and really avoid answering it, i detest arguments! Because of their disability, most changes that sometimes have to happen in life, are discussed repetitively before they feel comfortable with the change. I live a few hours away from where they are, so speaking on the phone is our main communication, and really it needs a few days one on one to get the message across maybe! I guess i really worry what will happen if i "drop off the twig" . I have never mothered my daughter even with her disability ,its tough love sometimes, but she has just had to learn survival . I dont want to see them lose their home either through something so trivial, but i suppose when its all said and done its their call and i should rise above it. I have a few emotional things going on too at the moment so maybe i am just too close to this problem...Thanks white knight for your input it is greatly appreciated. i will keep intouch.