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Forums / Relationship and family issues / Relationship advice- Help

Topic: Relationship advice- Help

9 posts, 0 answered
  1. Dblk
    Dblk avatar
    5 posts
    24 March 2021
    Hello everyone. Just seeking some opinions and advice on whether I am making a huge mistake or if it's the right one? I met my partner couple of years ago online. We dated for a couple of months and survived a long distance relationship in the meantime. She has OCD, anxiety and depression, other medical conditions and hasn't been able to secure a job in the industry she always wanted to work for. Things were ok until she moved in with me since the last two years due to issues with her family. We had issues with her ocd and sometimes her personality but her anxiety has been getting worse . We have trialled a lot of medications seen quite a few psychiatrists and psychologists but she doesn't want to follow the strategies they suggested and hasn't developed a good relationship with any of them. She stresses on little things which inturn stresses me even more. We then have arguments abuse each other verbally making me almost thinking of ending the relationship and even saying that to her. She becomes very apologetic and teary afterwards . She loves me dearly and looks after me however she can but I kind of feel like I am not being honest with her. I am not a perfect partner either as I am always exhausted and just don't feel like doing anything all day. Don't know how I can fix this as I am starting to get attached to another girl unbeknownst to my partner. I don't want her to go back to her family because they are still very incompetent and has been taking most of her pension when she was living with them. They have disappointed me quite a few times when I she needed help while I was away. Their priorities doesn't include her.
    This isn't what I had in mind when we got engaged and moved in together.
    I don't honestly know what to do or how to fix it
  2. smallwolf
    Community Champion
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    smallwolf avatar
    5757 posts
    24 March 2021 in reply to Dblk
    Hi and welcome to the forums.

    It can be a difficult and frustrating time when you try to do the right thing and you feel worse for trying.

    At the same time you seem to be finding company with another person. Perhaps there are less "dramas" there?

    And you are engaged to the person you are having the difficulties with.

    The first thing I will say is that with psychologists and psychiatrists much is based on having a good relationship. And if that doesn't work then...

    Of course it goes both ways. The client also has to try to make it work as well.

    While you said you don't know what to do, what would you like to see happen? What would be your goal? There are no wrong answers here.
    1 person found this helpful
  3. Dblk
    Dblk avatar
    5 posts
    25 March 2021 in reply to smallwolf
    I wish I could end it because we've tried to work around things that are bothering our relationship but it doesn't seem to work after a while and I feel like I am back to square one or more problems seems to be happening.
    The engagement within the first six months of us dating which was a bit too early. In regards to the other company it is more of a company not even physical and we share similar personalities. I don't even think that it will develop into a relationship. Makes me concerned is that I am at fault when I am actively seeking company in a committed relationship.
    Also I feel like I am dumping her back into a family who doesn't have much regards for her
  4. geoff
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    geoff avatar
    15301 posts
    25 March 2021 in reply to Dblk
    Hello Dblk, thanks for posting your comment.

    Living with someone suffering from OCD is not easy, especially when you aren't knowledgeable of how this illness effects them because if you don't have it yourself then there doesn't seem to be any explanation why these obsessions and compulsions need to be carried out.

    That's understandable but I also have OCD and know the comments from people if I am found out, that's why I hide it, however her family might know that she has this illness and then decide to take most of her pension for unknown reasons.

    To form a friendship with another person who doesn't suffer from OCD I know seems to be acceptable because not having to try and cope with tendencies formed by this illness would be a blessing, however can I suggest that you
    are decide to type this illness in your search bar to try and understand the effects it has on not only the person but on everybody else.

    I know that it's not easy but know the repercussions can affect those around them.

    A psychologist can provide CBT counselling for people suffering from OCD as well as for their partners.

    Please ask any questions you would like to know.

    Geoff.
    2 people found this helpful
  5. Dblk
    Dblk avatar
    5 posts
    25 March 2021 in reply to geoff
    Thanks Geoff. Now that you've said that, it seems like it is her ocd that seems to be the biggest issue. I've been providing constant reassurance when she has these doubts and they are quite extreme . She keeps saying thoughts that she sometimes have really bad thoughts and always ask me how to deal with it. I do give her my advice but she still sometimes rely on her dad for an opinion which is ok. The local psychologist here did offer cbt but I was only involved in the first session and not anymore. She said she would like to talk to the patient only afterwards. She didn't like the psychologist afterwards and is consulting another psychologist through tele health. She keeps telling me that both of them haven't been of any good to her. I feel like I am emotionally and mentally drained. Is the ocd going to get any better when a person gets older. Wish her family sought help when they knew that she had this issue. I feel guilty and helpless
    1 person found this helpful
  6. smallwolf
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
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    smallwolf avatar
    5757 posts
    25 March 2021 in reply to Dblk

    I just want to cover one aspect of your reply to me post where you said

    Makes me concerned is that I am at fault when I am actively seeking company in a committed relationship.

    As a rhetorical question is your fault blaming yourself or is it pushed onto you from elsewhere?

    While I not sure of your motivation, even though I am married I have made friendships in other circles and we talk about things which I would not talk with my wife about. This does not violate my marriage vows. Even though you are engaged you still have a life of your own. And your partner also has their own life as well. Put another way... if the person you were confiding in were male would these concerns be present?

    Can a male and female be just friends? I think it should be possible.

    Last point .... there is also nothing wrong with you chatting with a counsellor or similar to work through some of the issues that might be weighing on you such as the non-supportive family. It also sounds like you are exhausted or worn out in providing advice and being the supportive partner as well as anything else going on, that you have nothing else to give. (My mum supports my dad, and when they visit the GP, he asks mum if she is OK. It is possible for the supporting person to get (sort of 2nd hand) negative thoughts, making it difficult to support the other.

    1 person found this helpful
  7. Dblk
    Dblk avatar
    5 posts
    25 March 2021 in reply to smallwolf
    Thanks for the advice small wolf. I am starting to have feelings for the other person than my partner. I am able to open up and communicate more which feels almost similar when I first started feelings for my current partner. We did have a discussion and hoping to resolve the issues. We had a similar situation happened couple of months ago had a break for couple of weeks but still talking to each other every day. Brought her back to my place and then it all started again. Should I see a counsellor in person or together? I haven't been involved in any of the consultation with the psychologist or the psychiatrist. She tells me what they advise her and tells them that I am the only support she has. She never liked me talking to other females which has never happened until recently and there have been issues in the past. Hopefully something better comes out of this
  8. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
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    geoff avatar
    15301 posts
    26 March 2021 in reply to Dblk
    Hello Dblk, your comment does raise a few interesting points.

    With OCD people can have 'intrusive thoughts' which is something else to type in your research browser, alternatively in the search above at the top of BB, where people may or may not only keep to themselves what keeps reoccurring in their minds, and again I've had them before many times and are quite disstressing for a person suffering from OCD.

    The other point I'd like .to make is the psychologist has to be trained in dealing with this illness because as I've experienced my last psychologist did not know how to treat it and I say this because all he said to me was'you don't need to do OCD just forget about it's, that's why I only saw him a couple of times, I couldn't form any trust or relationship with him, simply because he didn't understand.

    Some people going to counselling prefer the opposite sex while others prefer the same service, that’s a decision they make and will allow them to feel comfortable in opening up, that's entirely their choice if the situation pertains itself.

    If you are beginning to have more feelings for your new friend, that’s understandable, however you still might benefit from talking to a counsellor by yourself to begin with.

    Take care.

    Geoff.
    1 person found this helpful
  9. Dblk
    Dblk avatar
    5 posts
    28 March 2021
    Is it normal to feel guilty? I am feeling that a lot and extremely annoyed at times?

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