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Forums / Relationship and family issues / Retroactive Jealousy - Anxiety/OCD over my partner's past - Getting severe

Topic: Retroactive Jealousy - Anxiety/OCD over my partner's past - Getting severe

  1. Natalia S
    Natalia S avatar
    16 posts
    9 June 2021

    I (22F) haven't suffered with RJ until now, in my first committed relationship.

    Me and my boyfriend (25M) have been in a relationship for almost 10 months now. He’s had 3 long term relationships.
    At first I was mature about the fact that he’s almost 4 years older than me, he has had longer and more mature relationships and has done more in his life than me, but I still find myself stalking his exes on social media, digging around and asking for more information that I KNOW will hurt me, and straight up ignoring any reassurance he gives me. I hate picturing him with someone else and my instinct is to make him feel bad about his past that are beyond both of our control which I know is totally wrong.

    I go for weeks being absolutely fine, but the second an ex is brought into conversation, even by me, it’ll send me on a spiral of social media stalking and taking my anger out on him. It hurts us both every time.
    He loves me so much and he tells me that he’s never felt this loved in any relationship he has been in. I believe this to be true, especially from the things he’s told me about his exes. He says he’s never been able to see a future with any of his exes. I absolutely adore him and worship the ground he walks on. I think he’s the one but my behaviour really gets in the way of us being happy and trusting one another.

    Recently, I have been stalking HARDCORE, finding stuff from 2015 when he was with his ex and seeing what he's said about her, etc. I had to walk out of work because I was having an extreme panic attack and almost vomitted.

    It is getting worse and I don't want to lose him but I feel like the only way to stop suffering if to break up with him. I feel hopeless. I feel sick in the head and I feel like if I live like this forever, I will die.

    Does anyone feel the same or now effective ways to get over this for good? I've read books, articles and watched videos - nothing helps long term.

    1 person found this helpful
  2. Guest_7403
    Guest_7403 avatar
    387 posts
    9 June 2021 in reply to Natalia S

    You're living in the shadow of his ex.

    He's not with them for a reason, and he's chosen to be with you.

    Show yourself some compassion, accept that he's with you.

    Forge your own memories, don't dwell on the past.

    Remind yourself when you go into this state of mind that you are having an irrational thought, acknowledge the feeling and let it go.

    Your mind is the sky, the insecure though is a cloud. Watch the cloud float across, acknowledge it and let it pass.

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Petal22
    Community Champion
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    9 June 2021 in reply to Natalia S

    Hi Natalia S,

    Wellcome to our forums!

    Sorry you are feeling this way, you CAN get better with the correct help.

    I had severe anxiety OCD I have now recovered from this condition and have been recovered for four years going strong....

    OCD is a vicious cycle but you can learn to break free of its grips.... I did an 8 week therapy at a clinic that specialised in OCD.... it took time to practice the skills I was taught but they come easy to me now..

    once a professional can point out to you the behaviour that keep you in your ocd cycle you can learn to disengage from the behaviour...

    have you ever seen a professional for OCD?

    here to chat

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Here2Talk
    Here2Talk avatar
    276 posts
    9 June 2021 in reply to Natalia S

    Hi Natalia,

    It sounds very distressing for you. Have you had any other psychological problems throughout your life so far?

    1 person found this helpful
  5. Natalia S
    Natalia S avatar
    16 posts
    10 June 2021 in reply to Guest_7403

    Hi there,

    Thank you very much for taking the time to reply to my post - it means a lot.

    The sentence "Your mind is the sky, the insecure though is a cloud. Watch the cloud float across, acknowledge it and let it pass." is wonderful and resonates with me. Thank you for that.

    Once I am in a severe panic and cycle, it's like I can acknowledge the irrationality behind my thinking but it is like it takes over. I need to work on stopping my thoughts from getting to that level.

  6. Natalia S
    Natalia S avatar
    16 posts
    10 June 2021 in reply to Petal22

    Hi Petal22,

    Thank you for responding to my post - I appreciate it very much. It's my first post!

    I am happy to hear about your recovery. You give me hope my life can follow a similar path.

    I am currently seeing a psychologist fortnightly for my anxiety and negative thinking habits, low self image and low moods. I never thought I had OCD until I saw a psychiatrist for the first time and he said I have OCD personality traits but it was harder to treat this way... I have never experienced OCD in a severe form until getting into this long-term relationship. The thoughts I have are so intense and severe, it's like a mental rash that I cannot help but to scratch till it spreads and takes over... it is very scary to me and sometimes I feel it coming on and I say to myself "no no please no" because of how bad it makes me feel.

    I think my insecurity and anxiety have triggered my OCD traits to come out in this facet of my life..

  7. Natalia S
    Natalia S avatar
    16 posts
    10 June 2021 in reply to Here2Talk

    Hi there,

    Thank you for replying to my post.

    It is very distressing and it not only affects my mind, but now is affecting my body (cannot eat, stress pimples, unable to move during a panic attack, can't sleep).

    I have been diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder and am currently seeing a psychologist for that. I also experience low moods from time to time and feelings of hopelessness, which I've recently been prescribed to Brintellix for. I have never been diagnosed with OCD or experienced it to noticeable levels until now..

  8. Ggrand
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    10 June 2021 in reply to Natalia S

    Hello Dear Natalia!

    Im sorry you’re struggling so much with your partner’s past ex’s...

    Your partners ex’s are all in the past..and he broke up with them for a reason...that was because probably that the deep love, commitment, care and trust wasn’t in his heart for them....

    Looking up and “stalking” his ex gf’s is in a way breaking your trust in the love he has for you..IT really doesn’t matter if he has had x amount of long term relationships before he met you...You are the one he loves..not his ex’s...and bringing the subject up..could be making him feel uncomfortable because they are long gone out of his life...and I’m sure all he wants to do now is be the best partner to you that he can be...

    You day that you have been in a relationship for 10 months...Not sure how long before your relationship started that you met him....but when you first met him...is when your lives together started..it’s okay to ask about his family and friends and his past...but I think keep away from the subject of his ex’s...That is history to him now...it’s gone...Let your beautiful partner give you the love and care he has for you...and live in that moment, enjoy your time with him...Please try hard to not sabotage your precious time with him today, tomorrow, next month or years to come...by trying to live in his past...It’s not worth even taking away a minute of your time..worrying about things that are now history to him....

    Time is precious, love is beautiful...forget his past and enjoy every second of the here and now..because that’s what is important and you are living in the now...not the past..

    I wish you and your partner a beautiful relationship...

    Please talk here when you feel to..

    My kindest thoughts lovely Natalia..

    Grandy..

    1 person found this helpful
  9. Guest_7403
    Guest_7403 avatar
    387 posts
    10 June 2021 in reply to Natalia S

    Anxiety is a physical effect on the body.

    Best advice...learn your body and feel the anxiety building inside.

    Where does it start? Tightening of the chest? Dry mouth? Muscle tension?

    Everyone has their own unique reaction..learn yours, and when you sense that bodily reaction...that's when it's time to put your mindfulness practices into use.

    Once triggered, mindfulness becomes relatively ineffective.

    Learning your body, and stopping it before that anxiety takes over is the key.

    Show yourself some compassion

    1 person found this helpful
  10. Petal22
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    10 June 2021 in reply to Natalia S

    Hi Natalia S,

    Thank you for posting! I’m glad I have given you hope....... always hold onto it....

    I did meta cognitive therapy it helped me to break free of the OCD cycle...... I totally understand what you are saying ....,when we have an intrusive thought we obsess over it our anxiety goes up we perform compulsions ( eg researching on the net) to try to bring the anxiety down...... we try to look for a meaning ......

    Meditation really helps, we become the observer in our thoughts and don’t get so caught up in them...

    practice mindfulness, when you have these thoughts do mindfulness or attention training......

    that’s wonderful you are receiving help from a professional....... if it is OCD I’d recommend you try to see a professional that specialises in OCD...

    here to chat

  11. Natalia S
    Natalia S avatar
    16 posts
    10 June 2021 in reply to Ggrand

    Hello Grandy,

    Thank you for your response, it was wonderful and made me feel very relieved.

    You are absolutely right. I think I am just more insecure than ever lately and it has triggered this insecurity over his past and I cannot see all the things he sees in me :( So I think maybe his exes are prettier, funnier, fitter, etc. and I begin my cycle of jealousy.

    I also have an emphasis on being special and the "one and only" and I feel selfish but I cannot help that feeling. I feel less special knowing his done a lot of other things with other people he's loved.

    Thankyou for listening,

    Natalia

  12. Here2Talk
    Here2Talk avatar
    276 posts
    10 June 2021 in reply to Natalia S

    Anxiety..... I have had generalized anxiety disorder for many years now. a comment above is correct (in my personal experience) that meditation and all associated relaxation techniques are rarely helpful in the moment of distress...

    anxiety has many forms- panic, ocd, generalised, specific phobia... all of them have in common a certain feeling of fear which is relieved by behaviours- in your case feelings when you imagine your partners exes, which is.... well, perhaps you’re looking for comfort in stalking, like if you just look at enough photos and posts on Facebook then this feeling will go away...

    Is this problem causing a lot of friction in your relationship?

    Many people in modern society have had multiple past relationships so I guess that most people would face the prospect of their partner having exes.... I know you said your rational mind knows such things but it is worth noting that many others are in the exact same situation...

    How was your childhood Natalia?

    1 person found this helpful
  13. Ggrand
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    10 June 2021 in reply to Natalia S

    Hello Dear Natalia,

    Feeling insure is a horrible feeling...One thing you should remember,....It doesn’t matter if they were prettier, funnier, fitter etc....He has chosen you...It’s never really what’s on the outside at all..They could be the prettiest, funniest, fittest girl in the world but have a heart of stone....It’s the inside of a person, the soul, the heart that true love is awakened and continues to grow into something beautiful...Which to me sounds like it has between you and your partner....

    You are special to him Natalia, because he has chosen you...and has told you that he has never felt this loved in any relationship before..that alone tells me that he feels your love for him, where with his ex’s he didn’t feel that...Please try hard to believe his words..he sounds like a beautiful person, that’s been honest with you...with his past..and I’m sure he doesn’t want to waste his precious time that he is spending with you..reliving his past...

    I can feel the love you have for him through your words...jealousy can change a person to something that I know you’re not....Life is short Natalia, too short for something like jealousy to take away your happiness and joy you feel when you’re with your partner....

    Believe in his words, and believe that you are very special and loved by him...Because you are...

    Here for you lovely Natalia..with my kind thoughts and care..

    Grandy

    1 person found this helpful
  14. Natalia S
    Natalia S avatar
    16 posts
    11 June 2021 in reply to Here2Talk

    Exactly right. But then if I find something online that I don't like, I feel even worse and it causes a panic attack. My grandmother said to me "it's like you want to feel pain" when I tell her I stalk his ex girlfriends and then I find something I don't want to see.

    My childhood wasn't awful, but growing up I definitely felt alone and was very shy. This was exacerbated by bullying in school, cyber bullying, having a lot of fake and disloyal friends and then being treated poorly by my first proper love. This all made me feel not good enough and made me question myself 24/7. My parents also didn't have a healthy relationship and I was exposed to quite a lot of family violence and verbal abuse from as young as I can remember. I also have a strong family history of mental illness like anxiety and depression.

  15. Natalia S
    Natalia S avatar
    16 posts
    11 June 2021 in reply to Ggrand

    Hi Grandy,

    Thank you, once again, I can feel the kindness and compassion radiate from your messages.

    I totally agree inside is what matters most - and I truly believe I can provide him with something no one else ever could and that is the unwavering love and encouragement I can give.

    I will try my very hardest to do so. The past 24 hours I have felt my obsessive thoughts slowly cease and I can go back to normal so I may address my insecurity. I think once I feel confident about myself once again, I can overcome this jealousy and OCD.

    Is it ok if I message you here during harder days?

  16. Here2Talk
    Here2Talk avatar
    276 posts
    11 June 2021 in reply to Natalia S

    Experiences we have as children imprint a certain unconscious way of viewing certain things and relationships in the world- sometimes called schemas. This things can be vague like the world is a dangerous place, or a little more specific, like “people will leave me”... At either rate these reactions to the world are really distressing, and cause us to interpret everything according to the schema, whether appropriate or not. In your case, the violence and verbal abuse you frequently observed may have made you internalise the idea that life is unsafe and threatening; and then the fake friendships and ultimately betrayal by your first love - leave a deep wound. And if you’re already feeling a general sense of insecurity this could be enough to overwhelm you.... To the point that subconsciously you’re expecting to be hurt by your current partner, and so your mind is trying to get you to prepare for this, to take away the u certainty, which at the same time you realise logically it is a strategy which hurts but your mind (and body - anxiety is mind and body) has made this process almost automatic....


    Schemas can change my dear, it just takes work and soul searching. I’m here for you to talk through any aspects of your mind and life to try and start you on this process if you want...
    1 person found this helpful
  17. Ggrand
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    11 June 2021 in reply to Natalia S

    Hello Dear Natalia,

    I am so happy that you obsessive thoughts have eased off for you..

    I would love it if you do talk here when your in hard times..or even if you feel to chat about anything you want to..

    I can hear in your words that you are a beautiful person..and love your partner deeply....

    Please dear Natalia..come here any time you want to..I am here for here for you anytime..

    My best and warmest wishes to you and you partner..

    Grandy..

    1 person found this helpful
  18. Guest_3256
    Guest_3256 avatar
    324 posts
    11 June 2021 in reply to Natalia S

    Hi Buddy.

    I have been in your position before. My apologies if I come across direct as I believe in you becoming a better person. You are dealing with issues only you can control and know that you are allowed to have these unwanted thoughts, it is common. These are not real thoughts - they are imagination/fake. Sometimes having these unwanted unreal thoughts can actually be self-sabotaging and cause us to lose control of who we are. This is not who you are, you are better, brighter and more beautiful than you realise. I still get a bit insecure myself and how to manage these thoughts is too stop, pause and breath. keep doing this until you can be calm.

    One of the most important things to understand is that we do not live in the past and we do not live in the future. We are living right in this moment. Rights now. Everything in the past is gone and the future has not happened yet. Live now and be better tomorrow.

    You can do it. Everyday. Love your partner they way they love you.

    Be strong, be brave.

    :)

    1 person found this helpful
  19. Natalia S
    Natalia S avatar
    16 posts
    16 June 2021 in reply to Here2Talk

    Hello,

    That is very interesting and you explained it very well! I have been looking into shifting my schemas/paradigms recently and I think this is the best way to go about improving my self image and reducing my insecurity/anxiety within relationships. How would you suggest a good way to go about doing this?

    I think previous relationships and being bullied etc has made me feel worthless and compare myself to other females. I feel like I always have something to prove to someone, whether it be a partner, parent, boss, etc. I guess I just want to prove to my boyfriend (and myself) I am the best girlfriend he's ever had or will ever have.

  20. Natalia S
    Natalia S avatar
    16 posts
    16 June 2021 in reply to Ggrand

    Hi Grandy

    Thank you so much. You are very very kind <3

    I am having a better week and feel a bit stronger mentally when my negative thoughts come up. However, I have heaps of work to do.

    I think I am just unhappy with my life and really want to make a shift and start living for myself. Not my parents, my boss, society, etc....

    I have made the decision to finally leave my current job and take some time off work to focus on myself and get my mind back in check. I am also in the final year of my law/commerce degree so I have a lot of career decisions to make!

  21. Natalia S
    Natalia S avatar
    16 posts
    16 June 2021 in reply to Guest_3256

    Hi there,

    Thank you very much for your message, it was very insightful!

    I have actually reminded myself of the words you used in bold when I start to feel my insecurity playing up, so thank you. <3

    I believe I can overcome these thoughts and be a better person overall, I really do.

  22. Guest_3256
    Guest_3256 avatar
    324 posts
    16 June 2021 in reply to Natalia S

    Hi Natalia.

    More than happy to help where possible. We all experience these self-critical thoughts and feels, I actually had some today. When I personally start to feel lets say somewhat self-critical i.e. "I feel that my partner is untrustworthy, can I trust him to love me and does he find me attractive," or when I am walking through Surfers Paradise (some very good looking people) I wonder if I am as good looking as they are and will my partner stray for someone who is more appealing. I get these thoughts occasionally.

    Then I stop, pause and breath. I think to myself "ha, eff that thought, I am more handsome than I realise, I need to lift up my spirits, believe in myself, value my inner-person/outer person, smile and be happy with who I am. Because this is my life, my journey and I choose to feel and live the way I want and I don't have to feel that way. And it's not egotistic at all, it's learning to appreciate yourself and being self-compassionate.

    Test yourself

    1 person found this helpful
  23. Guest_3256
    Guest_3256 avatar
    324 posts
    16 June 2021 in reply to Natalia S
    Natalia, next time you find these thought intrusive, do a bit of a test on yourself. I do this occasionally to refresh my mental wellness. Let's so you are going to you local shops to grab some groceries and you pass by others. As your mind focus on others (innocently judging), instead of thinking yourself in a negative way, appreciate how beautiful the person is and then do the same to yourself. Being compassionate about others is also being compassionate about yourslf.
    1 person found this helpful
  24. Natalia S
    Natalia S avatar
    16 posts
    16 June 2021 in reply to Guest_3256
    It's like I know I am good for him now and can offer a lot. But, the thought of the girls who have had him before me makes me ill. For instance, I was doing well today and then tonight we were watching TV and the topic of 3somes came up and he mentioned he's had one with 2 girls before. I felt instantaneously ill. He said he had mentioned it before but I would've remembered that.... I felt so anxious and wanted to cry, my throat went dry and I felt so depressed. The thought of that, even if it is in the past, is so hard to handle. My OCD thoughts keep creating scenarios about it and making false assumptions... It is hell.
  25. Here2Talk
    Here2Talk avatar
    276 posts
    17 June 2021 in reply to Natalia S

    Hi Natalia.

    Well ultimately psychotherapy should address your core beliefs; although some therapists like to Just focus on micro issues like thoughts that arise as a result of the core beliefs/schemas. CBT can be a bit like this sometimes.

    another thing you might want to read about/look into is Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and it’s principles. I haven’t read it but the Happiness Trap by Russ Harris is based on ACT.

    basically, certain things have been painful to your mind throughout your life- particularly during childhood - the abusive family life, rejection by friends and mistreatment in a romantic relationship. There may also be other things like you mentioned you have GAD, so do I, and that may be partially due to an inherited temperament in your genes. Does constant worry about a range of things sound familiar? Add these together and the result is a lot of distress.

    Part of the schemas is that they’ve developed, subconsciously, as your mind sees it - to protect you. And for this reason it will try to shut off every time you attempt to change them. This is part of the reason why they’re hard to change. It seems counterintuitive, how could a schema that says people will leave me help. but think about it: I am afraid that my Boyfriend will leave me one day, so I will come up with all these things that convince me otherwise; eg. I can love him more than anyone else can. This is trying to deep down get rid of your fears with words. And when reality bumps into you it is jarring; when I see on Facebook he had romantic attachments with other girls, or hear about threesomes, it makes that fear rise to the surface....

    By the way, did you ask whether he had a threesome in the past? Or did he bring it up? Seems like an insensitive thing to bring up given your current problems

    1 person found this helpful
  26. Natalia S
    Natalia S avatar
    16 posts
    17 June 2021 in reply to Here2Talk

    Good morning,

    I currently see a psychologist who uses CBT in our sessions as well as using techniques to require my brain and challenge my anxious and obsessive thoughts, but I will definitely look into ACT, thank you!

    Wow you summed up my fear of people leaving and its relation to my current relationship very well. I think my insecurity makes my schemas worse and reinforces all my negative thoughts. Do you think if I improve my overall confidence and self-image, I can overcome my anxiety over his past relationships? I seem to think it could help, however I feel whenever I make progress in my life, I fall into low, depressive moods that make me feel worthless all over again, cannot move and want to sleep and not wake up.. I think its a result of all my suppressed and unhealed painful experiences. Do you have any suggestions for working on my schemas and addressing my negative childhood memories outside of psychology?

    The topic of threesomes came up in conversation from watching TV and I already knew he had a threesome but what I didn't know was it was he had it with two girls and him. From what he told me in the past, it was with a guy, a girl and him. I was automatically distressed and felt after learning about this new information. It's like everytime I learn about new information from his past, my panic attacks and anxious thinking starts all over again.

    My partner has had a very extreme sexual past and his relationships are not the only things that cause me great distress. However, I don't talk about it much because people shut me down and say "you shouldn't judge" or "that was before you" or "you aren't a virgin either". But, it is not that black and white. I feel horrible about it but it really does upset me and disgusts me sometimes too. He's slept with over 250 people and there's no denying this is waaaay over the average, but it is the carelessness of how he went about it (all unprotected). I feel so stupid for feeling this way when obviously he didn't know me at the time and he has control over what he wants to do. But, it makes me feel even worse and I think of the scenarios in my head of these experiences and it makes me very depressed.

  27. Here2Talk
    Here2Talk avatar
    276 posts
    20 June 2021 in reply to Natalia S

    Hi Natalia. Sorry for the late reply. Wow that is a lot.... He must be a very charismatic young man. I’m sorry people shut you down. I don’t know what to say other than I understand how you must feel about it all.

    My wife and I were each other’s first partner, something which is also kind of rare these days - I know of only of our friends who is the same.

    I think many mental problems are the same, in that they’re deep down and stem from a sense that either we are unsafe, or that people can’t be relied upon/will leave us. In a sense it’s amazing for some people to have grown up having felt fully safe and all their emotional needs taken care of by their parents. It’s entirely possible to not get that from ones parents. As you see on this forum some times, there are people whose parents do/have done terrible things to them emotionally through a lack of care and love....

    My main point... well I don’t know if I have a point. I’d hate to give the impression that I know the answer. I could just as easily be wrong.

    I wonder if in your case something clinical psychologist Jordan Peterson says is applicable: he says in relation to guys like (perhaps) your partner has been like in the past, he says “you can’t divorce sexuality from human relationships”... I guess to have over a quarter of a thousand sexual partners means it would be impossible to have emotionally connected in a meaningful way with that many women...

    Look him up if that’s something you’d like, on YouTube with some keywords relating to the issues you relate here, e.g, men and sex...

    Intimate relationships can be the most intense, rewarding and all consuming relationship, and so I think it’s natural for worried feelings to come up, especially given your partners past and that’s your first serious relationship - that’s what u said right? I hope it helps that I’m acknowledging that rather than fobbing you off like others have done. I certainly don’t think you’re stupid. I think with generalised anxiety it’s the uncertainty around everything that’s the worst. It’s the basis of one theory for GAD. If you think about it, human relationships are the epitome of uncertainty; nobody knows if their partner/wife will leave them one day.

    I don’t think however that any amount of Facebook profile Surfing etc will ever take away the anxiety tho for you- but I understand why you must do it- in a way it takes away some of the uncertainty, but u can’t completely ever get rid of it... dam, running out of letters.

    1 person found this helpful
  28. Here2Talk
    Here2Talk avatar
    276 posts
    20 June 2021 in reply to Here2Talk

    Second message;

    Your questions, Any non-psychology ideas for schemas. confidence and self-image.

    Any time you can have a really deep, safe conversation with someone you can trust I think can help your self-image and schemas.. I’m not sure about confidence. Not that it’s bad to have confidence! It’s just I wonder about different types of confidence: confidence to socialise at parties, confidence to do a job or hobby or other artistic or performing type thing. I wonder if you mean confidence in your relationship? In which case, it’s great to be comfortable in your relationship and believe that it is a good one. And I sincerely hope that it is, and continues to be for you Natalia. It’s hard to say that unbounded confidence would be good for you in the long run. Confidence that your love will last forever is... well like I said it’s great to enjoy your relationship! But like I mentioned in my post above- humans are the most unpredictable things in the world... Having unwavering confidence is kind of like building up a schema that nothing bad will ever happen.. Hope that’s not upsetting. Tell me if you mean a different kind of confidence.

    As for self-image, do you mean a similar kind of thing? Your self image in the relationship?

    Regarding schemas, as Jordan Peterson mentioned earlier says: you’ve got to pull yourself apart and put yourself back together to grow us a person. Although he doesn’t say to change schemas, I think much good psychotherapy aims at the same thing. I think having really deep conversations with people that are willing to go down the depths of your soul with you without being scared or without being mean or dismissive would be the way to go. I haven’t met a human like that in my life but I’m sure there are people out there..

    I’m always interested In depth psychology so I apologise if I’ve become too abstract.

    I’d love to try to be someone to keep talking to you and listen and talk honestly, so let me know if you’d like to keep talking more about the things that trouble you, or to explain myself better than I have in the past 3500 characters haha

    1 person found this helpful
  29. Natalia S
    Natalia S avatar
    16 posts
    22 June 2021 in reply to Here2Talk

    Good evening!

    wow, what an in-depth and excellent message! Thanks so much for taking the time to reply back :)

    so I definitely agree with what you mentioned and what Jordan has touched on regarding lack of emotional connection with numerous sexual partners. My boyfriend has said he didn’t care about those sexual partners in the past - it was emotionless. I guess it reveals what he was going through at that time.

    I think a big part of my mentality when it comes to worrying about my partners past (especially the large number of sexual partners) is thinking “these girls don’t deserve to have been with my partner”’and the thought of him being sexual with other people makes me mad and sick.

    I was saying that if I improved my confidence within myself and my own self image (ie physical appearance and abilities) I may not have such a fixations on these negative thoughts. I find that when my life is going well and I’m succeeding in school or work or personal achievements, I tend to feel more optimistic and more confident.

    It’s so good to hear you and your wife were each other’s first. That is truly something I desire so much!!

  30. Here2Talk
    Here2Talk avatar
    276 posts
    22 June 2021 in reply to Natalia S

    I get what Jordan’s saying but I think he might be wrong. Clearly people can have sex without meaning/emotion. I guess tinder and other sites have sort of exploited that part of human nature. But at least it’s better people go there rather than other dating sites and lie to women(and men) to get them into bed...

    Anyways..

    The thing about what we’ve discussed - schemas/core beliefs etc. is that they are a way we respond to emotional pain from the past that has scarred us. Sometimes it’s a vague emotion unrelated to our current crises, sometimes its the exact same thing. The thing is that our psyche wants to avoid the feeling (emotional pain), so it responds with behaviours - in your case jealousy over past events...

    its a good thing in general to improve your physical appearance and abilities, succeed at study in life - but I think improving this to improve your relationship could be (philosophically) ironically counter productive. It could be that although you think your jealousy is because you think they don’t deserve your partner, really it’s because it reminds you deep down in your schema of a feeling (a feeling, not a verbally articulated idea- this distinction is important) that you are not good enough, in a generalised vague way, and/or that things will go badly for you in some indistinct way...

    I think the route to improvement for this issue anyway (jealousy, and the problems it causes your relationship) could ironically be about accepting yourself... Which is not easy. When you find out tell me!! You have GAD right? Sorry if I’ve got this wrong, there are lots of people I have talked to here, and life is so busy for me to scroll back all the time and recheck details.

    Yes so self-acceptance.. it’s a vague idea that’s intertwined with acceptance of many other parts of life. Key point like I mentioned is that most of this stuff is deep feelings first, which are then plastered over with verbal thoughts...

    I could be off track, but from the brief conversation I’ve had with you this is the feeling I get. Would love to hear back your thoughts, as well as if there’s any other areas of life you would like to discuss.

    Take care Natalia.

    1 person found this helpful

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