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Forums / Relationship and family issues / Scared of my future

Topic: Scared of my future

5 posts, 0 answered
  1. Izzy286
    Izzy286 avatar
    1 posts
    19 July 2021

    Hi all,

    I think my 26 year relationship/marriage has actually ended. It’s been good and bad over the past few years, went threw a separation but managed to rekindle & come back together. We love each other but suck at communicating, well he does. He’s a bad gambler & drinks a lot but these are things I’ve learnt to monitor and tolerate. Lately I’ve been driving myself crazy obsessing over the thought of him cheating on Facebook (This was an issue and why we separated).
    He has Facebook but I don’t and lately its been feeling like he’s glued to his phone and I don’t exist. I say cheating being talking, not anything physical. Well that I know off.

    Anyway I finally snapped we had words, nasty ones and he walked out a week ago, we have had no communication since.

    We have 3 amazing kids but i feel like my future is me sitting at home sad and alone and lost, slipping into depression and Anxiety if anyone asks ‘ how are you feeling’

    Do I beg for forgiveness and salvage the marriage, very hard with no communication or stay in bed and continue to feel sad and alone. 🥲

  2. Betternow
    Betternow avatar
    255 posts
    19 July 2021 in reply to Izzy286

    Good morning Izzy.

    I understand your pain. Twenty six years is a long time and the hurt and sadness at it’s ending is a normal emotional response.

    To answer your question “should I beg forgiveness and salvage the marriage”, my advice is NO.

    You will still have the drinking, gambling and Facebook cheating in your marriage if you reunite. You separated once before and reunited, it didn’t work. Why would this time be any different?

    I advise you to see your GP and gain access to the Medicare funded psychological service. You need to work through your emotions with the help of a professional and gather the strength to build your life again for your sake and the children.

    Many of us on this site have experienced family breakdown and understand the feelings of hopelessness and confusion that comes with the fracture. But you can survive and eventually thrive. Good luck Izzy. Get back here if you need more support.

  3. jaz28
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    jaz28 avatar
    188 posts
    19 July 2021 in reply to Izzy286

    Hi Izzy,

    I'm sorry that you're going through this. I understand 26 years is a long time to be with someone.

    I have never experienced a relationship that long, as I am only young myself, but as a child of parental separation I can vouch that my parents are happier now than they were when they were together for 20 years. So, I would say, no don't beg for forgiveness. You deserve to be treated better than that. The marriage will only go back to the way it was, and do you really want that?

    I assume you've heard the phrase "this too shall pass"? It's something I repeat to myself when I am experiencing sad thoughts or distressing life events, such as a break-up. It will pass. Feelings of sadness and loneliness are normal after a break-up. Especially after a relationship of 26 years. But they will pass. Allow yourself time to grieve, but remember to pick yourself after and remind yourself of who you are and what you deserve in life - and that is everything.

    As Betternow suggested, my advice would be to get in contact with a GP and maybe get a referral to speak to a psychologist or therapist to work through these hard emotions. And yes, family breakdown is common, I have been through it. But I can proudly say my family is happier now because of it, and my parents have found new partners who treat them well - all I want is to see them happy and I am sure your children will want the same for you.

    Best wishes.

    Jaz.

  4. black_rose
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    black_rose avatar
    45 posts
    24 July 2021 in reply to Izzy286

    Hi Izzy.

    I just caught my partner having an online affair again. My eyes are open in a new light.

    In my experience once a cheater always a cheater. I forgave him twice. Then I catch him a third time spending hours upon hours alone with her.

    He never changed, he just changed how he cheated and getting around it. He got sneakier.

    I will tell you this. Ask yourself 'Do you trust him' that will give you all the answers you need.

    I'm sorry you are going through this. I know how much it hurts and I also know how much it hurts to have done to again and again. So I'm a little jaded in my thoughts on cheaters.

  5. black_rose
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    black_rose avatar
    45 posts
    24 July 2021 in reply to Izzy286

    I also wanted to add that cheating doesn't have to be physical. Online affairs are still cheating, they are being intimate with another behind and that is still a form of cheating. It's called emotional cheating. Unfortunately You'll find that most cheaters defend themselves and say it's not physical so it doesn't count. All they're doing is trying to defend their actions and make you feel like dirt, when their the ones who are in the wrong.

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