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Forums / Relationship and family issues / Sexless Marriage and Depression

Topic: Sexless Marriage and Depression

  1. The Woodman
    The Woodman avatar
    3 posts
    17 March 2019

    Hi

    i have been married for over 30 years and have had major issues with lack of sex with my wife, who I might add is very attractive. After we were going out together and we had an amazing sex life she told me that this is the honeymoon stage and not to expect it to last. Being head over heels in love with her I did not see how/why it would change.

    it did,,she had hardly any interest in wanting to make love and the reasons have been, I’m tired, the kids have worn me out, I don’t feel well etc.

    i have been there and supported her through many family issues(her family) and she gained a lot of weight over 20 years so she told me that she was not happy with her body and hated me seeing her naked and did not want to make love because she was ashamed of her body. I have always told her that I love her.

    a few years ago she had weight loss surgery and lost a lot of weight and looks amazing. Then she had a tummy tuck to get rid off the excess belly skin as she was concerned how she looked.

    i thought that this would make her feel happier about her body and would get us back to a normal se life ( we had gone for a year without making love and seperate bedrooms as apparently my snoring was keeping her awake.

    we have been sleeping together for the last 2 - 3 years but our sex life has not improved. We now make love every 2-3 months if lucky.

    We had a “discussion” tonight about it which resulted in a blazing row and she accused me of wanting sex as it relieves my tension and she feels that it does not relieve hers.

    i explained that yes it does help with relieving tension but that is not the whole reason. I want to have the intimacy that a married couple should have.

    we have slept in the same bed for a couple of years but there is always a body pillow between us so that we do not touch.

    to top it all I have now developed Peyronies disease which she has told me makes making love even more difficult.

    I have now moved to the spare room and she has told me that if I am not happy to find someone else. She has been on anti depressants for years.

    i do not know where to go from her,

    Any advise would be much appreciated as I don’t know if I can go an any longer as I am so depressed with the situation.

    I love my wife so much,

    1 person found this helpful
  2. clownartist
    clownartist avatar
    73 posts
    23 March 2019 in reply to The Woodman

    Hi mate,I have empathy for you ,its tough I experienced exactly the same for over 7 years .I would be surprised how many couples live in a sexless marriage .My best mate revealed last week their marriage had been sexless for the last 10 years.Bettina Arndt has done a great video on youtube about this issue;mismatched desire ,grovelling for desire.Might be helpful?It is a difficult subject to discuss but very common.Initiating sex and the rejection is a killer.Intimacy is essential in a marriage even touching and kissing .This song by Bob Lind called "I dont know how to love you" it sums up many issues we face .I dont have the answers how to restore the desire I wish I did maybe the songwriters would be out of business!!

    2 people found this helpful
  3. Juliet_84
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Juliet_84 avatar
    385 posts
    23 March 2019 in reply to The Woodman

    Hi Woodman,

    It’s very clear from your post that you love your wife very much, and being told to “find someone else” if you don’t like it must have been very demoralizing. I once read that men need sex to feel good and women need to feel good to want sex. I think that fundamental difference is the cause of many of these gender-based differences. It’s very hard to go to work or to look after the kids, run yourself ragged, not feel great about your body, or be in sweats as you are scrubbing the bathroom and then shift gears and want that desire there. At the start of the relationship, everything is new and exciting, there are no unresolved issues or problems, and it’s so much easier. You said that you used to have sex once per year but now it’s every 2-3 months - could it be that things are improving, albeit slowly? I know it can be hard to be patient, but I expect that nagging your wife for sex or placing pressure on her will have the opposite effect than the one you desire.

    2 people found this helpful
  4. Whyisitsohard
    Whyisitsohard avatar
    1 posts
    8 April 2019
    I feel for you Whatgoeshere. I've been through the same thing for the last 20 years and tried everything mentioned here at one time or another. There's no point even listing all the strategies I've tried. My wife isn't interested at all in any physical intimacy and blames having gone through change of life very early. I think her being an only child and raised to believe sex was something you didn't even talk about has something to do with it. Assurances that she still loves me and that there is and never has been anyone else helps ease the pain a little bit. I even have permission to go anywhere I want to get that part of what she is unable to give me, but that's not what I want. Now that we are virtually the only ones left alone in our house, I'm not sure I can keep going on like this.
    1 person found this helpful
  5. Hannah-J
    Hannah-J avatar
    4 posts
    9 April 2019

    It is interesting hearing so many men sexless marriages. I’ve been in a sexless marriage as a female for 6 years and it’s really starting to affect me. A one stage my husband would have sex for 1.5 yrs. that was a few years ago, I’ve been very patient we now have sex generally max 3-4 times a year.

    Not sure what to do anymore, maybe my insomnia is caused from being depressed because it’s been going on so long. I can’t handle the silence anymore. But could never leave my beautiful kids. It’s a horrible situation.

    I was out with some girlfriends that I had known for a few years from our mums group, over dinner and drinks they all (4) started talking how they were over their husbands trying to have sex all time. I stayed silent and listened, inside my heart was breaking knowing I was the only one who had t had sex in over a year and my husband had no interesting in changing that. A while into the conversation they asked me, I went along with it, but I became quiet and not myself so they started asking questions a few wines later I said my husband doesn’t want sex. they were shocked, I told them to keep it between us. Few days later I find out they had gone and told 3 of our other friends. Bitches, I was embarrassed everyone in that circle of friends knew. Still to this day I won’t speak to them, I’m sure they are to scared to let their husbands near me lol. Not that I would ever do that.

    So not only have I got no sex life, or husband that will communicate with me I have also lost friends over it. It’s all been horrible, I feel for everyone going through this situation male or female. I would never have got married knowing I would be loveless for the rest of it.

    He says he isn’t gay, he says he has been checked at the doctor, he says he isn’t seeing anyone. ( once we I asked him, he said if I was seeing someone do you think I would tell you?, this made me question things, but between work and kids I don’t see he has time). My family is far, so I have no support or financially couldn’t just leave. Once I said I wanted a divorce and he said he would take the kids as I have no family support and was really nasty about it, that really broke me, as it’s true. He refuses to see a relationship therapist, says they don’t work and doesn’t want to waste money. Funny thing is his mum is one but in another country.

    I run a busy business, have kids, that doesn’t stop me from wanting affection and to be loved. I just don’t get it.

    4 people found this helpful
  6. Dogma29
    Dogma29 avatar
    3 posts
    9 April 2019

    I've been married for over 10 years now and the amount have sex we've been having has dropped down to near nothing, every 2 months or so. It was even worse at one point when she seemed to think it was a joke whenever I would ask about the possibility of any sex. About this time, after I'd been receiving treatment for clinical depression and was off work for a while, I asked for a divorce, I felt we weren't compatible and didn't have any interest in continuing the relationship. She threatened me if I did that; some things can't be unsaid though. I took her for counselling and she said she didn't mean it. We've continued the relationship but all I think about is the lack of affection and questioning whether I actually love her or not, I don't believe I love her anymore, not really sure if I ever did now; I find her to be an annoying person generally.

    I don't really see this going on much longer, but with 2 young kids a divorce would be difficult, I'm trying to not dwell on it but it is difficult, I had stomach pains most of last week and couldn't sleep due to anxiety over the situation, things have calmed a little since.

    It's not just the lack of sex and affection, the usual long term marriage issues of lack of excitement in what remains of our sex lives and she shows no enthusiasm when we do have sex. I've decided I don't want to grow old wondering what could have been and have been sneaking around seeing prostitutes and happy ending massage places. Not ideal I guess but it gives me some form of excitement that is completely missing from our marriage. An affair is not going to happen, women are not normally attracted to me, I'm not ugly, just my mannerisms I guess, I also don't have the time for an affair, or the wish to be involved in any other form of sexual relationship, I don't believe in them anymore.

    We had marriage counselling at one point but had to stop because she kept arguing with the counselor, my psychiatrist told her she needed to modify her behavior, she didn't agree with him. She is very stubborn and discussing sex with her makes her angry. She is also very controlling and complains whenever I make plans to do things by myself, I generally no longer make any effort to accommodate or please her in these situations anymore.

    The relationship could be worse, we are generally on friendly terms with each other, we could be good friends but should be no more than that it seems.

    2 people found this helpful
  7. Nippet25
    Nippet25 avatar
    2 posts
    24 April 2019

    In response to Hairboy in particular-

    Perhaps it just a generational thing, but to be honest I find many of the complaints and “advice” given on this thread disturbing. I acknowledge that differences in libido are a hard issue to deal with, but sex is not something given as a reward for helping your partner with chores, kids, money etc. I feel sympathy for many of you that there has been little intimacy for years, but consider things from another point of view.

    Our partners are under no obligation to provide sex or to just say yes sometimes for the sake of the relationship. Our bodies are our own, and even after 20 years of marriage no one owes you anything. Its a disgusting feeling to be pressured into sex and made to feel like a piece of meat. Don't nag and pester for sex. I'm sorry that I don't have the answers and can't offer much advice for those suffering in this thread, but I do know that anyone who tells someone they should 'just say yes to their partner sometimes' or that sex must be had at least once a month should be deeply ashamed of themselves! What sort of definition of CONSENT are you spreading?

    5 people found this helpful
  8. Dogma29
    Dogma29 avatar
    3 posts
    4 May 2019 in reply to Nippet25

    I’d have to disagree with you to a degree Nippet25. We should all be going into marriage with our eyes wide open that it is a sexual relationship. If a number years into the marriage you decide you no longer want to have sex then expect the relationship to deteriorate badly or end. After 7 years of marriage my wife said to me that she’d never had any real interest in sex and the frequency has dropped of alarmingly since. If this had been brought up before we married I doubt whether I would have married her.

    If a partner decides to have sex for the sake of the relationship then they’ve consented, nobodies talking about forcing their partners to have sex, but discussing a general expectation of what should happen in a sexual relationship is fine as far as I am concerned. If you can’t talk about your sexual needs with your partner then the relationship is doomed.

    2 people found this helpful
  9. The Woodman
    The Woodman avatar
    3 posts
    6 May 2019 in reply to Dogma29
    Dogma29 i must agree with you. if i had known how the lack of intimacy would decline to the extent that it has now become then i would not have married her. Even though i deeply love her and would never change having our children this ongoing situation of over 30 years has led to my depression and now i am looking at dating sites that women who are in the same sexless relationship are on. This is the last thing that i want to do but i can see no alternative.I have spoken about this on many occasions but the end result is always the same, she has no sex drive. Sex is an important part of a relationship and if it is taken away then it hurts. Yes i have been to see her therapist and spoken to him about this matter as well as telling him that he can tell her everything that i have spoken about to him if he feels that it would help the situation. She no longer sees him now so that avenue has gone. I understand that not all couples have a continuous "healthy" sex life but we have gone over a year without making love. Yes i do help her with household chores (and have done ever since we got together) Yes i do love her. yes i am there for her when she has issues and yes i do tell her that she is beautiful. She tells me that she does not like to initiate the first move but when i do there is always a reason that she is not in the mood. I do not expect sex for helping her around the house. I believe that sex is part and parcel of being married. I have no idea where to go from here other than looking for the intimacy that i miss so much elsewhere.
    1 person found this helpful
  10. GoodWitch
    GoodWitch avatar
    187 posts
    7 May 2019 in reply to Dogma29

    I'm not sure if I should post here, but here goes. 21yrs married, on the verge of divorce now. For the past 2yrs our marriage has been sexless, except for one time I did it because I felt I had to (our anniversary). The fact is I'd only been having sex with my hub for close to a decade prior to this because I felt I had to. My libido never matched his after the initial lusty period, and he always made it known that was a problem. So I tried to fix it. I tried to fix me, forcing myself to get in the mood rather than wait until it naturally felt right (if I waited that long, a week or so, my hub would become impossible to deal with). All this did was add to the constant pressure and make me feel inadequate, like I had to 'perform' in order to be loved.

    Once I had kids it became harder to keep it up. But I did, for years, because he was moody when he went without and everyone suffered. I felt like I had to sacrifice myself for domestic harmony, and I can't tell you what a horrible, empty feeling that is. It is as Nippet said, I felt like meat. My love for my husband died, because I saw that he was willing to put his physical need for an orgasm over my mental health. He admitted in counselling he knew I hadn't felt like it all those times he nagged me into it, but he took it anyway because going without was 'hard for him'.

    I guess what I'm saying is, there may not be a 'solution' to this kind of thing. if these women are saying they don't want sex, they don't want it. It's unlikely changing your behaviour will fix that, and if it does, congrats, you've successfully manipulated the woman you love into having sex out of fear of losing you or the marriage. Is that what you want? Maybe it is. Be honest about it if so.

    If you think sex is more important than your marriage, go have it with someone else either with her permission or not.

    If you think your marriage is too precious to destroy by making your wife do something she clearly doesn't want, until she resents you bitterly, learn to live without sex. If she were in an accident and was paralysed or brain damaged you'd likely have to. Why is having no libido not considered a legitimate reason to refuse sex? Why is your orgasm more important than how she feels? Just posing questions here.

    Yes going without sex can be depressing. Doing it when you don't want to is disastrous to the psyche too.

    GW

    7 people found this helpful
  11. Dogma29
    Dogma29 avatar
    3 posts
    11 May 2019 in reply to GoodWitch
    Hi GoodWitch and The Woodman. If we look at a relationship sans children, shared mortgage/property, major possessions, friends etc., things look very different. A man and women meet they get along, the relationship develops, they have sex, one of them loses interest in sex, the relationship starts to wither and die. They may remain friends, they may bust up in tears. If I was the rejected person in this relationship then I would prefer to cut the other person out of my life and never see them again or it would too hard to continue seeing them in this diminished way.
    Add the kids etc. into the mix and the ending of the relationship starts to seem impossibly difficult.
    GoodWitch I would hope that if my wife felt the way you do, about sex with your husband, that she would tell me. If she no longer wanted to have sex with me at all then I would want to know, because I would most likely immediately end the marriage. I’m not interested in separation under the same roof, it would be too hard on my mental well being, living with and being with somebody who you want to be intimate with so you can be close to them and they have rejected you and would continue to do so.
    The Woodman, I wouldn’t want to be in your position, 30 years and it’s either the rest of your life in this situation, find someone else or leave and lead a single lifestyle. If it was me I’d leave as I said above, but everybody is different and the ultimate decision is yours, I guess at least your wife seems to have given you permission to find someone else but unfortunately you prefer it just to be her. As hard as it is a clean break may be easier but I’d it sounds like you don’t want to do that.
    I have lost a lot of respect for my wife over the years for various reasons and I don't believe I still love her. I would need to spend some serious time away from her to be sure; I’m doubting whether I ever loved her at all these days. As I’ve said we are still generally on friendly terms but I’m not happy, we are basically running a child raising business, what happens when the child raising is over? I’d rather end it now than go into late middle age and end it.
    Based on the laws of averages I’ve probably got 30-40 years left to live, once the kids aren't in the mix anymore, why would I want to live with someone who has rejected me, I have little respect for and I don't potentially love.
    2 people found this helpful
  12. LovelyLinda
    LovelyLinda avatar
    6 posts
    29 May 2019

    I have come here because I am looking for every way possible to understand how I am feeling and for strategies to help me cope. I thought a forum with like minded people opening up their minds and hearts to a community might help me knowing others are going through similar experiences. My heart goes out to you all, being in a relationship where you are missing the affection and intimacy, or in some cases not wanting it and feeling obliged.

    My outlook on life is all about love and happiness. I'm a very outgoing bubbly positive and happy person. Yes life has its ups/downs, but for the most part I look for the best in every situation and choose to be happy. My husband of 11 yrs got bowel cancer in 2013. He went through chemotherapy treatment and also got two liver mets from the original cancer (all within 3 yrs). I have been his support and carer doing everything to ensure his recovery. However, the chemo treatment gave him neuropathy and hence his sexual function damaged. I am a very passionate, loving and very sexual being, and intimacy and sex are the core of who I am, are essential to me. My husband knew this and was devasted that he couldn't perform or satisfy me like he used to. It broke our hearts. We communicate about everything, had always been adventurous and he's not a jealous man (compersion), so we mutually opened the marriage. This allowed us to still be in a loving relationship and share a life together. I got to be with other men to have my needs met. We made good friendships from this and socialise with them to this day. One fell in love with me, and I with him. So now all three of us live together. My husband also has a partner too (not living with us).

    I have been with my partner 4.5 yrs. We are a true match in every way - nature, interests, personality, values, and love. He matched my daily intense sexual desires for 3 yrs, then it pretty much stopped. His reasons were he is working so hard and always tired, and that he doesn't need sex all the time. He makes it very clear he deeply loves me, that I'm the only one who has his heart and he wants to only be with me always. Our love is so very strong. He thinks (like others) if he gives me affection that I will expect sex - but I don't. I need affection as much as sex. Im heartbroken and struggle to cope. He is monogamous and I don't want to be with anyone else. I don't know how to live with the man I love and not make love to him.

    2 people found this helpful
  13. LovelyLinda
    LovelyLinda avatar
    6 posts
    29 May 2019 in reply to clownartist
    Thank you for your recommendation and insight into Bettina Arndt. I have found her talks very interesting (putting myself as the male in most of her discussions). I have taken some value points from her messages.
  14. clownartist
    clownartist avatar
    73 posts
    30 May 2019 in reply to LovelyLinda
    Hi Lovely Linda, your welcome for the recommendation.Bettina Arndt was almost shot down in flames for her comments.I admire her blatant honesty and lack of a filter.I constantly have to remind myself that we do live in a country of free speech and she is entitled to voice it Regards CW
  15. LovelyLinda
    LovelyLinda avatar
    6 posts
    30 May 2019 in reply to clownartist
    I really like her to the point honesty, its refreshing. I am a bit like her because I am so open and honest and trusting and happy to talk about the subject of sex as though it is not a taboo. In my open relationship and spoke to a lot of guys dealing with same or similar health issues but unfortunately their partner (mainly women) were unable to communicate, understand, accept or work towards a solution to the drastic changes in their relationships. So many got divorced, and so many men said they wished their partners had my attitude and be able to compromise to make the relationship work. Now finding myself in a relationship were intimacy is changing, something I was not prepared for until I was in my 80's lol, I am struggling and find Bettina's comments helpful (I am the men she is talking about). I just hope my partner takes it on board too. In the meantime I have to deal with a sense of grieving which is what my counsellor says I am going through due to the changes in our sexual aspect of the relationship. I live in hope - that's all I can do. So thank you.
  16. LucyP
    LucyP avatar
    1 posts
    2 June 2019 in reply to Hannah-J
    I am a woman in the same situation. We have sex once a year, and to be honest it’s because our psychologist makes him. I love my husband so much. I want a life with him. I blame myself. I feel guilty talking to anyone about it. I feel so unsexy. I had the same situation where I was out and the others talked about sex and I just went mute. I never imagined being in this situation.
    2 people found this helpful
  17. Mordor
    Mordor avatar
    1 posts
    7 June 2019 in reply to britchy

    Hi there

    Thanks for your post. I was feeling quite miserable but found myself agreeing with what you said wholeheartedly. I've been in a very similar situation to you, with the last time being an absolute disaster. That was a year ago now, but nothing will induce me to going back there. Kind of mirroring your statement (For me, it’s all gone. Nothing he could do or say will make me feel like having sex with him again.) It was pretty much like going through the motions. I couldn't believe that this part of our lives had disintegrated and found myself mourning the loss of our connection. But what hurt even more was that I was the only one who had noticed. And I am still the only one who has noticed. I used to bring it up all the time but how do you talk to someone that doesn't think that there's a problem? And, honestly, I'm worn out. Is this as good as it gets? Do you have to resign yourself to living a life without passion? Is that the only solution?

  18. Lynne_V
    Lynne_V avatar
    1 posts
    14 October 2019

    Hi everyone,

    I’m shocked to read of so many sexless marriages. It’s not good, but it is a relief to know I’m not a minority.

    My husband and I have been married 15 years and in that time I can count on all my fingers the times we’ve had sex. And even then it wasn’t good. As of now we haven’t hugged or kissed or had anything sexual for 4 years.

    Ive brought it up with him so many times because it irks my anxiety and I find myself letting it build up and build up until I lose it and say nasty things because I’m hurting. I don’t feel like a woman. I don’t feel like I’m his wife. Our anniversary was last week and all I got was a tap on the shoulder like you give a friend. All he says is he’s sorry he doesn’t have confidence sexually. But that’s crap because even when I’d triedto initiate something it was a waste of time. After so long I gave up and I’m at the point I don’t even want him to touch me now. Too little, too late!

    I cant keep living like this. I’m so sad and my hearts always racing and if I dwell on it I just get chest pains and bawl my eyes out.

    I’m 51 years old and this is my second marriage. My first husband was the total opposite. I’m not a bad looking woman for my age. I’m not getting any younger and I’ve had it. I’ve just this last week moved into another room and now I have to pay him board power and food. He cried when I told him I’m done. So why didn’t he get help like he told me many times he would.

    I don’t know what to do for now. I’m a motel housekeeper so I don’t earn enough for my own place. I’m trying to find a more permanent job with better wages. As it is by the time I pay him out of my little pay I’m broke.

    I’m just sick of battling and crying. I wish things would get better but I know only I can make that happen. As soon as I find a good paying job which are few and far between for a woman my age I hope things for me get better. I can’t deal with the depression and anxiety this is causing.

  19. Rastaskal
    Rastaskal avatar
    1 posts
    14 October 2019 in reply to The Woodman

    My wife and I have been together for 20 years & will be married for 18 years in January 2020. We had a healthy sex life before & after we go married. We decided that we wanted two children and then approx six months after our second child was born my wife said to me the she doesn't like sex, doesn't want sex and she is never going to initiate sex. But that day it wasn't just about sex, everything changed, no cuddles, kisses or even holding hands. It's now been more than 11.5 years without any form of a physical relationship. I caught my father cheating on my mother when I was 17 and it was two years before my mum caught him cheating on her. For those two years I had no idea what to do, I vowed that I would never be like my father and my wife knows that but she said to me that I can do whatever I want just as long as the kids don't find out about it.

    I spoke to my therapist about it & she told me that I needed to talk to my wife about it but when I did, she just shut the conversation down.

    Our second child is now 12 & when he turns 15, I'm out of here.

  20. rhinoceros
    rhinoceros avatar
    145 posts
    15 October 2019 in reply to Rastaskal

    I'm not married, but I was in a relationship for nearly four years that for nearly the whole time had very little intimacy. We had the honeymoon period where everything was for the most part okay, but it didn't last long.

    I'm 26, she is 34. Unfortunately I had issues with erectile dysfunction as a result of AD medication. She took this badly and it kind of started all our issues. She used to scream at me when I was unable to perform in the way she wanted me to. After that I actually became frightened of intimacy as (for both of us) it was such an unpleasant thing. She told me it was my problem - that I need to fix it.

    After reducing my medication dose considerably, lots of counselling and getting my 'mojo' back I guess, we started engaging in physical intimacy again, but this time she was angry because I was too eager/enthusiastic about it. So again I just backed away.

    We had a gap of two years between having sex. After that gap, there was another gap of about a year and a half. I tried to get her to come to counselling with me to work through these issues but she was not interested.

    I knew I made her feel unattractive/unloved and I tried so hard for years and years to demonstrate that I found her attractive and loved her.

    It wasn't because of the intimacy issues but I left her last Friday as I just couldn't keep going on. I felt so lonely.

    Now that I've left, she is wanting to get counselling with me etc. but so much damage (to both of us) has happened, I'm not sure I'm really wanting to back with her again.

  21. Martyn1945
    Martyn1945 avatar
    6 posts
    31 October 2019 in reply to Hannah-J
    It was helpful to read your post Hannah. I have struggled with a libido mismatch all my married life. I love my wife and if we were just school chums everything would be perfect. I’ve been through periods of self blame. I’m a filthy terrible man. I’ve been through periods of blaming my wife. She’s a cruel and thoughtless person. But in reality she and I just have entirely different views of sex. It is an expression of deepest love for me. A joy beyond compare. For her a way to have our two lovely children and that’s about it. I am way old now at 74 but sex with her would be just perfect if only she were even the tiniest bit interested. Somehow, when it comes to good sex, you really do need two to tango. So I am deeply sorry for you, Hannah, but despite trying to raise the issue with my wife over many years it’s a sad and hard nut I have never cracked.
    1 person found this helpful
  22. Cazza65
    Cazza65 avatar
    24 posts
    31 October 2019 in reply to Martyn1945

    Hi Martin,

    I can totally relate to your post, except it’s the other way round for me. My husband is the one who isn’t interested in sex, cuddling kissing etc. I have ALWAYS initiated the sex. I feel ugly & unwanted. I don’t have much self confidence either. We’ve been married for over 30 years & I’m just craving some attention ! I feel trapped as he is a good guy & we get along well with a great social life etc. I’ve suffered depression most of my life. Im good ATM. I work part time which I really enjoy 😊 our kids are grown up now (26 & 21). Have thought of separating heaps o& times but I’m too scared & not sure if I actually will be happier on my own.

    Cheers,

    Cazza

    1 person found this helpful
  23. Martyn1945
    Martyn1945 avatar
    6 posts
    1 November 2019 in reply to Cazza65
    Thanks for that Cazza65! I can’t explain why but somehow it helps me to realise that libido mismatch adversely affects women as well. I had the old 1950s view of the perfect male. A John Wayne character who’s great in a fight and embarrassed by affection. Women, on the other hand were either saints or sinners and I’d married a saint. How can you make physical love to a saint and my saint thought physical love was a chore? I now know I was quite quite wrong both in my naive view of women as well as men. That’s my saddle bag, of course. But how to solve the sad reality of Libido mismatch? The internet is replete with 5 to 12 step answers but none have worked for me. I don’t want to be angry, but of course I am, and I don’t want to be sad, but, of course, I am. I don’t want to leave but to stay is to be both angry and sad. It puts me in mind of an old Zen dilemma! You are hanging from a high branch grasping onto the tree by your teeth. You need help but if you call out you will fall but if you do nothing you will remain stuck. I suspect we all find our own solution. My therapist was quite practical. Martyn, she said, have you talked to your wife about it? Is she willing to compromise? Are you willing to compromise? Do you want to leave her? Do you want to buy sex from a prostitute? Is there anything else you could do instead of sex that would give you pleasure? And, of course, my answers were yes, no, yes, no, no, I don’t know! But I haven’t given up, I just don’t know what to do!
  24. Betternow
    Betternow avatar
    239 posts
    1 November 2019 in reply to Cazza65

    Hello Cazza65

    I have so much sympathy for your plight because I am in exactly the same situation except that I am male. It is so sad because we have raised a family, seen grandchildren arrive too. I am reluctant to leave my wife (whom I love) but the frustration of not being shown any physical affection ( a touch in the shoulder would do) makes everyday a sad day.

    I understand that as we age there are physical as well as emotional barriers to a physical intimate life. I can accept that but what hurts is when your partner won’t acknowledge your sadness or even consider a conversation on the topic.

    It seems the internet is full of great advice on this matter but the advice all says Step 1 is communication. If your partner won’t even take it to Step 1, what chance does one have?

  25. LLB
    LLB avatar
    13 posts
    1 November 2019
    Hi all,

    I'm in a similar situation. I started my own thread regarding this but if I saw this thread earlier I would have come here instead.
    I've been with my husband for 15 years in total and we have a 14 months old baby together. We've not been physically intimate since the conception of our baby. His libido has decreased in the past few years and I struggled to get pregnant.
    I'm wondering if anyone here can help me out with the emotional aspects of a male who has a low sex drive. I don't want to give him undue pressure because that makes things worse according to many sources. I don't talk to my friends about this because we all know each other and my husband is a proud man and I don't want to embarrass him (yes he would be angry with me). The many times I brought up this topic, he has been largely dismissive. I begged him to seek medical help but he said he's fine, there's no problem and that he's just tired. Lately, he shuts down when I bring up the topic and I just want him to tell me how he really feels. Feeling tired and not in tbe mood for over 2 years? Doesn't that seem ludicrous to anyone but him?
    Like many have stated in this thread, the lack of physical intimacy leads to other problems and puts a strain on the relationship. I was sad and angry when this all started, but now I'm a bit bitter.
    Can anyone shed light on this? Should I not push it? Should I haul him to a professional for help? Or maybe we are just mismatched in that regard and I either have to accept it or move on otherwise?
    Thanks.
  26. Nothappy@uni
    Nothappy@uni avatar
    83 posts
    1 November 2019 in reply to LLB

    Hi Everyone

    like LLB I have only just seen this thread, it is LLB's post that helped me find it (thanks LLB)

    I have read posts by GoodWitch and had a great deal of respect for her; however, I feel in this particular thread she has failed to comprehend the issue. Dogma29 and LucyP both hit the nail on the head.

    It is not all about the sex act, it is about sharing love and affection with someone you care about. People who read these posts and fail to comprehend that many humans need to feel loved to feel good about themselves, need to stop thinking of themselves.

    I was never close to my father, my mother taught me right from wrong and she taught me to respect women. The problem is I meet women who fail to respect me. As Dogma29 said, who here would have married their partner if they had been told that all intimacy, all love making, all physical contact MUST END after 7, 10 or 20 years? Why does the problem lie with the partner that enjoyed many years of love with their chosen mate, and now SUDDENLY must go without. Why, when one partner starts to hate themselves and become so insecure they can no longer have any intimacy, must the other partner suffer the consequences? For me that was the hardest part, wondering what I had done wrong to make my 'partner' no longer want me, I wondered why I had become so hideous that it made my wife ill to think of touching me or heaven forbid, making love to me. I have been told that she was never into sex and only did it to please me, I see that statement reflected by others in this thread. RUBBISH! I was an absolute gentleman when I met my wife, she chased me, she demanded we have sex, she set the precedent of two or three times a week for three or four years. It dropped off to once a week due to the hours I worked, but the passion was three fold! It was like someone flicking a light off when she said, I have friends that only do it once a year, we should be like that! She said she was not a cuddly person and never had been, I have photos and videos to say otherwise, she cuddles the kids and co-workers, just not me.

    Just like LLB I get angry and upset. I didn't do this, but I have to suffer the consequences. Menopause, life changes, work pressure, money, worry, illness of loved ones, impact us all, but going cold on your partner is not a solution, it is NOT ok to marry someone on the understanding you will love one another- then decide it is ok for the love to only flow one way. That is what I believe anyway.

  27. Marty1972
    Marty1972 avatar
    1 posts
    13 November 2019
    Maybe the cause of all this unhappiness is that in our culture we are conditioned to believe that the person we marry is the one person who is supposed to meet all of our emotional and physical needs and that it is their responsibility to do so. Why is it OK to have other people in our lives to meet other needs as long as it is not related to sex or intimacy?
    It seems to be that when it comes to our bodies and sexuality that there is some ownership by the spouse and you don't have complete say in what happens to meeting your needs.
    Wouldn't it be a great gift by the partner who is not meeting the other's needs to assist their partner in finding someone else who can fill the void? Knowing you are not meeting your partners needs and doing nothing about it is selfish.
  28. SoloDad
    SoloDad avatar
    8 posts
    14 November 2019 in reply to WhatGoesHere?
    I have been in this situation. In my case, she didn't want to have sex because i had put on weight and she was actually cheating. i can't give much advice as to what to do, but i can say that if it doesn't work out - its easier to have a sexless life without a partner then it is with one.
    2 people found this helpful
  29. BratPrince
    BratPrince avatar
    1 posts
    29 November 2019 in reply to snoods

    Snoods (and all the other ladies reading),

    I have found myself in a sexless relationship since June. In previous decade we had been quite active in the bedroom. Then once I slipped the ring on her finger it all stopped. Other than an occasional Saturday morning before shopping, I get told off for even spooning.

    I tried bringing it up but she doesn’t want to talk about it. I had started to get worried it was me. We had both packed on some weight leading up to the wedding, and I while I have never cared what size she was, my anxiety was tell me it was all on me. Here’s where it gets interesting, the extent of intimacy we have is her putting her feet in my lap wanting a foot rub. When I try to get her attention, I’m being pushy, when I cool off I am being distant and when I try to take care of thing solo I’m being insulting and selfish. I already do 85% of the chores inside and outside the house, and when I ask what I can do different she clams up. There were some medical things that prevented her from the physical act, and I understood, but when she’s not had some ailment (probably 65% of the time) Aunt Flo’s visiting for the week or there’s some excuse. She has said that it’s not me, it’s the fact that she doesn’t find herself attractive. Is this a thing? Because I compliment her all the time, I try to be playful, I’m really putting myself out there, and it utterly guts me where I have to spend night after night clinging to the edge of the bed in case I venture onto ‘her side’. I just miss my wife. Any insight you can give would be appreciated.

    Thanks

    BP

    3 people found this helpful
  30. Martyn1945
    Martyn1945 avatar
    6 posts
    29 December 2019

    I am sorry to come back to this but is is such an issue in my life. My seemingly unwholesome desire to make love to my wife has suddenly come into perspective. At first I thought I was sick, depraved, ill; but not now.

    Now I realise that I am married to a woman whom I love but who is asexual. I’d not come across this term before but it does, sadly, suit her to a tee. A wonderful, charming, intelligent and caring woman who, for no fault of her own, feels no sexual desire. I have been so frustrated! So angry! So ready to kill myself!

    But if she had diabetes, gout, chronic constipation or epilepsy I would be more forgiving.

    But what to do. They say that not having sex never killed anyone. Well that’s not true for a start. The 48 years of my marriage has been hope against reality and despair. It’s been a long sad journey and one, I now realise, my wife has no real cognition of. If asked she would say, “I love my husband! I do so much for him! He should be most grateful!”

    I guess if you’re colour blind you don’t know! You probably think others are just getting it wrong!

    3 people found this helpful

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