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Forums / Relationship and family issues / Spiraling due to loss of relationship

Topic: Spiraling due to loss of relationship

29 posts, 0 answered
  1. AliC.
    AliC. avatar
    27 posts
    5 April 2021
    Two weeks ago my boyfriend of a 1 1/2 years broke up with me. We’ve been really close friends for nearly 8 years and so loosing him has been hard. He broke up with me due to both our ongoing mental health issues (I have anxiety, depression and stress disorders). He also will no longer speak to me and his family are the same. I lived with them for the last 8 months and began to feel part of their family. Plus I have other stress factors in my life- I’m a second year university student and a recent break down of my dad and step mother’s marriage so life really feels pretty bleak right now. Any ideas for getting through this heartbreak and this spiral. I am seeing a counsellor in the next fortnight.
    1 person found this helpful
  2. geoff
    Life Member
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    geoff avatar
    15310 posts
    5 April 2021 in reply to AliC.

    Hello AlicC, can we offer a warm welcome to the site, and feel so sorry that your relationship has broken up and whether or not it's been caused by your own mental disorders is not easy to say, simply because we don't know how your boyfriend is feeling about the situation, nor whether his family have an influence on his decision.

    It's also very difficult to know why you have begun to feel left out, at the moment that's why you need to find out why all of this has suddenly happened, and by no means are you to blame.

    Living with his family may be good so you can save so money, however, living under their rules and regulations isn't pleasant, especially if you don't accept what they ask from you, and if this has happened then it can cause you to be feeling this way.

    Your comment is only brief, which is good, but there are many points in it that I'd like to extrapolate on being careful of what I'm allowed to say and one is also the breakdown of your dad's marriage and wondering what to concentrate on, yourself or your dad, but first of all, you need to look after yourself, only because then you will be able to and strong enough to cope with these different situations.

    We always wish we could handle all of these different complications, but this perhaps is better done when we have help from a counsellor.

    We really hope you can come back to us because there is more we can discuss.

    Take care.

    Geoff.

    2 people found this helpful
  3. Clear82
    Clear82 avatar
    31 posts
    5 April 2021 in reply to AliC.

    Geoff made a great point you need to put yourself first at the moment. And take one day at a time. I’ve been through some bad breakups and some days I even just used to say to myself ok it’s 8am and I’m going to make it to lunch time. Then I would be like that ok done now let’s get to the end of my work shift.
    Plus reaching out like you have is great too!

    2 people found this helpful
  4. AliC.
    AliC. avatar
    27 posts
    6 April 2021 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geoff. Thank you for the advice.

    When he broke up with me he said he was suffering from depression as well and hasn’t been dealing with it and claims that two people who are depressed cannot emotionally support each other. He says that the way he treated me in the relationship was unfair which personally I never thought this once at all in the year and a half we were dating.

    This is not the first time he has said this and 6 months ago when he said this to me the first time he said instead of going through the normal channels that I helped him through and that I have gone through myself (going to the GP and getting a MHCP) and he insisted on doing this his own way and running away to his brothers house and ignoring his problems. I gave him this space and allowed him to do this as to not come across as bossy or controlling but deep down as someone who has dealt with similar issues for many years i knew what he was doing wasn’t going to help him long term.

    I got along with his family and both of us were living there however I have since moved out due to the break up. I began feeling left out because the environment began feeling hostile after I moved to university in March and had asked to stay over holidays and the like. However after this it was made apparent that even prior to the break up members of his family did not like me and thought that I was emotionally unstable, too opinionated and all in all just not good for their son/ brother (my ex) and that I was purposely making drama at a family event which is not true I just had my own commitments to my family which I needed to attend to and so had to leave his family event.

    for the moment I have chosen to focus on myself, my studies and work. I am not mourning the loss of my parents marriage because it doesn’t really affect me but it was a factor of stress at the time of the break up.

    two weeks prior to the break up everything was alright at least on my end- members of his family were messaging me and attacking me but aside from that I felt like and I were doing alright and that this kind of came out it no where for me.

    As a result when he asked for space I couldn’t give it to him because I was hurting and looking for answers in the last two weeks and this has put a massive strain on our relationship further.

    thanks for the advice and help. I’m continuing to seek help and seeing my regular counsellor again but i wanted to share my experience and get advice in any form from all of this.

    1 person found this helpful
  5. AliC.
    AliC. avatar
    27 posts
    11 April 2021

    Just an update:

    so my ex whilst we aren’t together has replied to a message I sent him. I still feel a little lost but knowing he doesn’t hate me has really really made me feel a lot better.

    1 person found this helpful
  6. geoff
    Life Member
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    geoff avatar
    15310 posts
    11 April 2021 in reply to AliC.

    Hello AliC, thanks for letting us know.

    A great deal has happened in all regards, so it's not easy to try and understand what's happened and how we are going to cope in a situation like this, so I'm pleased he has responded to your message, and hopefully if that's what you want, to get back together.

    All the questions we keep asking ourselves may not provide the answers we are expecting or hoping for, but this doesn't mean that comparisons can't be agreed on.

    Please reply back at any time you're available.

    Geoff.

    1 person found this helpful
  7. AliC.
    AliC. avatar
    27 posts
    14 April 2021
    Ignore all of that. What I saw as us getting alone ive since seen as him just being polite and that he still doesn’t like me. I’m going through the processes of grieving but for the last 24 hours I’ve spiraled into another bad place mentally. I feel like a husk walking around
    1 person found this helpful
  8. R3nzk1
    R3nzk1 avatar
    1 posts
    15 April 2021 in reply to AliC.

    Hey AliC.

    It seems from your description of events that his family is stronger than this story you guys have together. One thing you have to understand is that if he is of an age similar to yours, his level of maturity is certainly a lot less than what you would like him to have. Boys becomes men alot later than girls become women. It seems like he is really attached to you and that he is also suffering in a similar way because of this breakup. But unfortunately, lack of maturity goes with unability to take risks and taking important decisions, and foremost, challenging your family.

    I could suggest a few things from here but I will see if you can find out by yourself, it seems like you are a very intelligent person. So what do you reckon?

    1 person found this helpful
  9. AliC.
    AliC. avatar
    27 posts
    16 April 2021 in reply to R3nzk1
    Look right now I’d probably love for someone to spell it out for me. I understand maturity (were both in our early 20s and are 5 months apart in age) I understand that guys do tend to have a lot more immaturity however he was always a lot more mature than guys his age and I understand him being loyal to his family (he is the youngest and last to leave home so he is close to them all) but it still hurts that he didn’t communicate with me and chose to just leave me rather than work things out. I guess I’m just lost right now
    1 person found this helpful
  10. geoff
    Life Member
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    geoff avatar
    15310 posts
    16 April 2021 in reply to AliC.

    Hello AliC, being close friends for 8 years is totally different than being together for a 1 1/2 because together means you have to decide whether or not you both agree or disagree on doing something together, whereas being close friends still means that you both go your own separate way.

    If a man in his 20's is deeply in love with someone, then they grow together, they take care of each other and want to do everything they can to keep the relationship, even though they might be inexperienced, but maturity grows with the two of you, you both learn on developing maturity and that can be such a joy, however, if they don't want this to happen, believing that there will be another person because there is no rush to settle down, then one person may be heartbroken, while the other just carries on as normal, not caring at all.

    Take care.

    Geoff.

    2 people found this helpful
  11. Mr. Irrational
    Mr. Irrational avatar
    14 posts
    17 April 2021 in reply to AliC.

    There's probably a few things at play here,

    - His family is not a fan of you (for whatever reason) and are quite vocal to him and you about it

    - His depression may also be impacting him and he's pushing you away

    - He may genuinely not want to continue with the relationship, he just may not have those feelings anymore

    Families can be a powerful force in relationships when they're allowed in the inner circle of a relationship

    If I was you, focus inwards, accept that it's over and move forward.

    If he reaches out, decide if you want to talk to him. But for now...don't chase him...show him how strong you are...move forward not backwards

    1 person found this helpful
  12. AliC.
    AliC. avatar
    27 posts
    17 April 2021

    I just don’t know what to do. Because he was such a big part of my life for so long and we continue to have mutual friends I feel very lost and I have constant reminders of what he has done to me.

    i absolutely agree that his family have had a big day it this as has his depression but I just want to be able to support him through this and know that he is ok.

  13. quirkywords
    Community Champion
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    quirkywords avatar
    12409 posts
    17 April 2021 in reply to R3nzk1

    R3nzk1 and Mr irrational,

    I want to welcome you both to the forum.

    Thanks for replying to AliC and giving your supportive response.

    once again welcome to the forum

    AliC, you have been given helpful suggestions here.
    it is your decision what you do next.
    it is hard when a relationship breaks up when you wanted it to continue.

    I understand you feel lost and confused.

    I am sure you will work out what to do . It make time you time .

  14. geoff
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    17 April 2021 in reply to AliC.

    Hello AliC, it seems as though you are passionate about trying to help him, but unfortunately, his family may not let you know where he is and how he is feeling and with these mutual friends may also be close to his family and told not to mention where or how he is getting on, I'm sorry.

    Best wishes.

    Geoff.

  15. AliC.
    AliC. avatar
    27 posts
    17 April 2021 in reply to geoff
    Thank you all for the help. I do know where he is physically and somewhat emotionally (I helped him move before we split) I don’t actually think his family know the extent of his mental health and have seen it as I broke up with him rather than the way that it was where he broke up with me. Our friends aren’t close to his family at all and they’ve mostly been supporting me during all of this and think that the break up was unwarranted. I’ve decided for the moment to just let this be. I don’t want to think about it too hard anymore because it just keeps opening new wounds and creating bigger issues. I can’t help but want to message him and keep tabs on him but I know that will come across as stalker like and so for the moment I’m trying to focus on me. I just keep posting here hoping to find some relatable or reliable advice which I think I have found.
  16. geoff
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    15310 posts
    17 April 2021 in reply to AliC.

    Hello AliC, I understand where you are standing and it's always very sad when a relationship does break up for whatever reason this may be, but when you do find another person, you can't remember what happened with him, because this new person has a different personality and wants to explore what you love doing in life.

    It will open up your personality in a different way and likely to do the same with him, explore this enjoyment and happiness, the past will only stop you from experiencing a new life, your new friend will only want to please you, just as you will with him, that's what you need to concentrate on.

    Open your heart up to them, they will cherish you.

    Geoff.

  17. Guest_3256
    Guest_3256 avatar
    324 posts
    22 April 2021 in reply to AliC.

    Hi AliC.

    You sound like you have a lot of compassion for yourself and others, especially the ex. How much do you have to really put up with this silent treatment? People who are healthy minded don't use depression as an excuse for breaking up. There's so many people out there who play silly little games and uses strange and weird excuses/phrases to break up (for what ever their silly reasons are), which only makes their partner feel even more confused, hurt and emotionally drained because they're only really thinking about themselves, not their partner.

    Selfish people cannot commit to themselves so they cannot commit to others and if you cannot commit, you cannot love.

    Stay strong, be brave, be better than before.

  18. AliC.
    AliC. avatar
    27 posts
    22 April 2021 in reply to Guest_3256

    Hi Jsua

    I have to put up with it a lot. I have a lot of mutual friends with my ex and we both game regularly together on an online space so it’s taken a toll on that. I’m trying really hard to move forward but I just don’t know how. I don’t want to date someone new but I don’t want to wait for him.

  19. geoff
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    15310 posts
    22 April 2021 in reply to AliC.

    Hello AliC, you wouldn't be able to date someone new if you haven't been able to get over the previous person, if you carry any baggage it's only going to affect a new relationship.

    Best wishes.

    Geoff.

  20. Lolue
    Lolue avatar
    49 posts
    1 May 2021 in reply to AliC.

    Hi AliC,

    I hope you have been well since your last posts. Break ups can be tough espicially to those you felt a strong connection with. I think speaking to a counsellor is a great step.

    Is there any hobbies you like to do? I found during break ups keeping my mind busy and focused on positive things helpful.

    Exercise can be helpful aswell such as going out for a walk or joining a yoga class

    I think its okay if your not ready to date again. Use this time to focus on yourself, do small things to show self love. Buy yourself flowers, treat yourself to your favourite meal, read your favourite book, rewatch your favourite movies & tv shows. I know this may seem corny and lame. But these little things can help make you feel a little bit better.

    I hope this helps, warm regards, lolue

  21. geoff
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    geoff avatar
    15310 posts
    1 May 2021 in reply to AliC.

    Hello AliC, just wondering how you are going.

    Best wishes.

    Geoff.

  22. Guest_3256
    Guest_3256 avatar
    324 posts
    3 May 2021 in reply to AliC.

    AliC.

    I empathize with you so much as it can leave you feeling anything but happy. It can cause one to feel a deep loss of connection/bond and wondering do they even love me.

    If you really love this person and you want to be with them, even if they do have difficulties (we are human and not perfect) you can still be with them. You have to step back and see what things you can do to change the dynamic of your relationship. Most people are too quick to throw away the towel, it's the one's that fight for who they love and care for that are the strongest.

    In saying that, there is a fine line between please and pain, don't be stuck in the middle like you are, find our footings and just like a puzzle, try to put the pieces together and make your life the way you want to live it.

    If your boyfriend is playing games, you can tell him to get his act together otherwise you'll be moving on.

  23. AliC.
    AliC. avatar
    27 posts
    4 May 2021

    Hi everyone thanks for reaching out to me again.

    I’m slowly being able to accept where I am at right now and see where I am going to go from here. I have reached out to him quite a bit and haven’t gotten anything back but from now on I’m just letting it be. He knows I am here for him if he needs me.

  24. geoff
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    15310 posts
    4 May 2021 in reply to AliC.

    Hello AliC, thanks for getting back to us, we tend to worry about how your situation is going and the other time frame is what you consider it should be and how long you feel you want it to be.

    Best wishes.

    Geoff.

  25. AliC.
    AliC. avatar
    27 posts
    7 May 2021
    Tonight I generally feel not ok. I tried meeting some new people and it didn’t go great and now I feel like I can’t be loved. It took me so long to open up to the idea of being loved and now that’s tone I feel like I don’t deserve it again. It’s a real hurting stage.
  26. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    5942 posts
    7 May 2021 in reply to AliC.
    Hey AliC,

    Thanks for posting to the Beyond Blue forums tonight,

    We're sorry to hear that today has been difficult for you. We think you should be really proud of yourself for trying to meet new people, this can be such a hard thing to do. Why do you feel it did not go well? It can be hard to connect with people from one or two meetings, sometimes it takes a few conversations to feel yourself and the other person open up.

    If you feel it may be helpful, you are always welcome to get in touch with Kids Help Line. They are a confidential and anonymous, telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged 25 and under. We’d also welcome you to reach out to our Support Service, which is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport.

    We hope that you keep checking back in and let us know how you are going when you feel up to it. We're all here for you.


     
  27. geoff
    Life Member
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    geoff avatar
    15310 posts
    8 May 2021 in reply to AliC.

    Hello AliC, when people are feeling like this, it's hard to know when people are trying to love you, we can't recognise it, nor can we accept they feel like this, only because in a way it makes us feel unaware that being loved or valued in some way makes us feel angry and can trigger negative thoughts of disbelief, only because that's what we feel we have missed out on over a previous timeframe.

    It's a slow process to understand that you do deserve this and trying to build up positive thoughts, it's not easy, but take it slowly, day by day.

    Best wishes.

    Geoff.

  28. AliC.
    AliC. avatar
    27 posts
    14 May 2021

    Tonight was the first time since anyone posted that I felt down. I’ve taken a higher dosage of my medication thanks to my gp recently and have been taking stuff to help me sleep which has left me feeling a lot better. Over the past 24 hours though I had the feeling over overwhelming unhappiness and loneliness creep in. It was these feelings I felt when the break up was quite fresh and after a strange dream triggered these feelings im left wondering again. I’m holding out strong and trying to make it so that I’m not bothering anyone with these problems. I just can’t help wondering what I did wrong

  29. geoff
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    geoff avatar
    15310 posts
    14 May 2021 in reply to AliC.

    Hello AliC, loneliness can affect how you are feeling and this can still happen within that 24 hour period and anyone who is not in this position always says that you should be happy, that's far from the truth, no one can be happy all of the time.

    At times we push others away because we don't want to burden them with our problems, in the event they are capable of understanding what we're going through, and to them, it may not seem to be a problem at all, only because they are not having to face the personal situation you're in.

    You might have to adjust to the stronger medication and this may cause the way you are feeling and once you start asking yourself questions you have no answer to, then your position may begin to slide downwards, try not to keep asking questions for a situation you're unsure of at the moment and take care.

    Geoff.

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