I've read up a little bit and I really like some of the thoughts on this thread. Sleepy my heart goes out to you. I'm no longer suicidal but when I was I couldn't see a way through. I hope that somehow, you can. And if you can't, just please wait until tomorrow. I know It's a terrible feeling to not want to live and to feel all alone- at one point in my life/ many points in my life- everywhere I looked I saw people having a good time. I had been told so many times that I was the problem , by my family- people who are s'posed to know and love you- and it was hard to believe anything different.
You said that something awful happened in your past and you are finding it hard to get past it, especially the people that allowed it to happen- is that correct?
Sleepy I'm so sorry that happened. I'm so sorry you weren't protected and loved in the way you deserved. It wasn't your fault.
As so many ppl have shared, There is ppl out there who through their own pain inflict pain on others. I have tried to love ppl through their 'fertiliser', and it's only when I let myself get angry about it that I can somewhat let it go.
I do like what you shared ecomama, about your brother, and I agree for some ppl it is a matter of being the bigger person, and caring about them and not expecting much back. Ecomama said:
"When we let these people "go" - even without NC but just to have zero expectations of ANYTHING from them - then we make room for the people who we DO want to have in our life. There may be an Autumn / Winter time in our lives before we see who these people are and / or even branch out further to our interest bases. But it happens and when it does, it's beautiful."
But if you're feeling like life is not living, then please challenge this thought, again, and again, and again, becos you're obviously a beautiful person and this world needs beautiful ppl like you.
So many who share here have gone through so much, and still are, and when I think of us out in the world, putting Christmas cards in letterboxes randomly, or smiling at a child who's just having a bad day, or helping an elderly person find the coffee, or their car, or having a cuppa with a very lonely somebody---- I think, well, most ppl won't do that, so it's up to us!!
I do my pelvic floor exercises to fall asleep. I guess it's a version of the muscle tense-release relaxation.
And these days I stay up late. Midnite works, if I try to go to bed earlier I usually wake up @ 3am- the 'wee sma' .