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Forums / Relationship and family issues / Tolerance of other people part 3

Topic: Tolerance of other people part 3

3 posts, 0 answered
  1. white knight
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    white knight avatar
    9214 posts
    24 March 2021

    In this post I'd like to mention "the benefit of the doubt".

    I've noticed more in the last 10 years or so that people often mention, in a group, their criticism of someone without know all of the possible scenarios of why that person does what they do.

    For example: A common one is buying meals at a hotel. Waiting more than 30 minutes can start the complaints around a table. Some people have never worked in a hotel kitchen so have never faced the issues that happen there. If one person orders a well done steak and its preferable to have all meals arrive at the table at the same time then there will be a delay in meal delivery as the chef will be waiting for the steak to cook and that will take longer. Sometimes there is a "run on" for one menu order. That might result in a worker scooting off to the butchers. Patrons often dont realise there could be 2 or 3 other sections of the hotel that are also ordering meals....and so on. To reduce any chance of disharmony it is always best to either give the "benefit of the doubt" or make a direct enquiry.

    A friend recently listed his house on the market for lets say $400,000. After two weeks even before the board was up at the front of the property, he asked me "do you think I should try another agent, he doesnt seem to be doing much". I suggested he ring the agent, he did, the agent told him that he had to take photographs, wait for them to be delvered to him to load on the internet and that he also had to wait for the section 32 that my friend hadnt chased up with his own solicitor. The sale of the house couldnt move forward without it.

    These sort of instances has caused me to always question people directly with the "benefit of the doubt" before entering into any dispute or pressing on with any criticism.

    I dont know about you but especially when younger I would dwell over issues rather than contact the other party direct. This was not healthy. I didnt have the communication style I have now as an older man, but my advice for those younger is to embrace the direct route to people you deal with.

    Dwelling, complaining to others when you dont possess all the facts is not contributing to your wellness. You can also calm situations down with this direct action and in groups this will result in happier times. People you deal with directly will appreciate your effort and you'll make friends that way too.

    TonyWK

  2. Juliet_84
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    Juliet_84 avatar
    570 posts
    24 March 2021 in reply to white knight

    Hi Tony,

    You raise a really interesting topic. I think for a lot of people, expectation is to blame. People expect that their meal should be ready in approximately 20-30 minutes based on previous experience without really knowing the facts. They expect their house should be sold in X weeks based on what people have told them etc. And I think this expectation is a huge downfall in a lot of relationships. People feel that their partner should be able to meet all their needs, to read their mind without having communicated a problem based on movies, common misconceptions about what a soul mate should be etc. We can be so focused on our needs that we forget to ask if we are being a soul mate to our partner. I for one used to think that a partner was the reason for my happiness but I realized after much soul searching that it is my job to deliver myself to my partner happy, that is no one else’s burden to bear but mine. I think if we were all a bit more generous with our partner and tried to understand the reasons behind their actions it may help with creating that relationship we are told takes no work at all. Just my two cents :)

  3. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9214 posts
    24 March 2021 in reply to Juliet_84
    Your 2c is more valuable Juliet.

    Expectations and misreading struck a chord.

    I've known my wife for 33 years but married 10 years ago. We were best mates prior to that and married to siblings.

    Nevertheless, as partners we struggled with our insecurities...it really was a case of - it worked or we stayed single forever. It's how we both felt.

    I started a "faith in your partner" theme/commitment in that if we trusted each other fully then that would eliminate a big chunk of guesswork or feelings of mistrust.

    It sounds basic and it is and it is the same as "benefit of the doubt". So whenever circumstances arise whereby I'm late or...say money is missing from our account, we both have faith that there is an innocent explanation.

    That hasn't wavered in 10 years.

    That last handbag was expensive though lol

    TonyWK

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