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Forums / Relationship and family issues / Where is my friend?

Topic: Where is my friend?

12 posts, 0 answered
  1. SubduedBlues
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    13 July 2014

    Growing up my family moved very often. In fact I never attended the same school more than two years consecutive. As an adult I joined the military and moved to different towns quite often myself. As a result of my nomadic lifestyle growing up,  I became quite used to meeting new people and speaking with strangers. 

    Unfortunately I really didn't have any friends last more than a couple of years.  So I suppose I really didn't learn how to make a long term relationship work until after I got married.  And then it was always the hard way. My only long term friend,  outside of a work colleague, has been my wife.

    Now she's gone. 

    I can make short acquaintances for a couple hours, but nothing that is likely to last more than to the next time I bump into them at the next public social.  No real friendship ever cones. Come to think of it, the last time anyone ever rang to ask me to participate in a social event was when I was in the military. Over 30 years ago.

    No one wants to be friends with someone who has issues. So any idea where someone with problems goes to meet people with problems? 

  2. JessF
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    14 July 2014 in reply to SubduedBlues

    Hello Deposed, I can understand why you would want to have friends who understand what it's like to have depression; a lot of 'average' people don't get it. But on the other hand, friendships are all about doing things with people who you share things in common with, and unless you want to talk about depression all the time, then it probably is healthier in the long run to pursue friendships with people who share common interests with you.  And the funny thing is, because of the nature of depression, I have often found that when I eventually open up to people abotu my experiences, they will then disclose their own "secret". It's more common than you might think, so many people put up masks, ourselves included!

  3. SubduedBlues
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    14 July 2014 in reply to JessF
    Therein lies the problem Ms Fletcher,  there is no one to open up to.

    Common interests you say... Outside of work,  my interest has always been my wife and family. So trying to find someone else who is interested in my wife and family,  is like trying to find my replacement;  don't you think? 

    I guess that just leaves me with my friend loneliness. 

  4. Jo3
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    15 July 2014 in reply to SubduedBlues

    Hi D&D

    I just wanted to say Hi.

    I understand what you're saying about friends.  I had quite a few circle of friends but once my depression, anxiety and childhood abuse issues came out some of my friends have quietly "disappeared".  And I think it's because people that have never experienced any form of depression or a mental illness don't understand what we go through. I've had a few friends say to me "oh just get over it", "stop seeing your psych", "you're wasting your money" - what the hell - what do they know what I or others are going through - they don't ..... so friends should really be supportive, caring and not judge the ones that are suffering.

    It is hard to have interests when feeling so depressed.

    Do you enjoy any type of sport eg. tennis, could you possibly join a club and that way meet new people ?? Just a thought.

    Take care, hope you stay on here and chat

    Jo

  5. SubduedBlues
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    15 July 2014 in reply to Jo3

    Hi Jo

    It really lifted my spirits to receive a message from you.

    Before I even read the content. I mean , it was I, me, got a reply from Jo3.

    And the content left me feeling understood. 

    Thanks again Jo

    D'jected

  6. Jo3
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    15 July 2014 in reply to SubduedBlues

    Hi D&D

    Oh thanks for your message.

    I'm so glad I lifted your spirits, I never thought I could do that to a person. Just had another thought - even trying volunteering is a great way to meet people and help out in the community.

    Take care,

    Jo

  7. SubduedBlues
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    27 July 2014
    A couple days ago,  I thought I'd try the advice I've read in other threads. It didn't work out so good, in fact it scared the hell out of me.

    I built a pof profile. Wrote the truth, wrote not single/not looking. Said I only wanted friends and nothing more. Someone reponded. Ask me if I was married. I said yes, hence why I am so adamant about friends only. Felt like she was insinuating that I was liar and looking for more than I was; she said she recognized med and knew my wife. This stranger made me feel dirty, like I was doing the wrong thing for trying to crawl out from beneath the rock of despair. 

    Why do I continue to care about how my actions reflect upon she who victimized me? Well, I've deleted the profile.  It was a bad idea. I think the universe is telling me that I belong alone.  After I crawl back under my rock, can someone please pour concrete on top?

    D'

  8. SubduedBlues
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    28 July 2014
    The departed wife came by this morning to collect our youngest for school. Just before theyleft she wished me a happy birthday. Now I really feel terrible about the pof thing. Just when I finally give up and think I can start to survive without her, she goes and gives me just what I don't need: hope. 

    Am I having another pulmonary embolism episode,  or is my heart breaking again?  I don't know, but it hurts like hell in there.

  9. AGrace
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    28 July 2014 in reply to SubduedBlues

    Hi D'jected,

    Happy Birthday!!

    I don't know that your wife giving you well wishes in necessarily a plea to get back together with you. It would be a bit rude if she didn't recognise the birthday of her children's father.'

    Is there any chance that you and your wife would be able to sit down and talk to one another? Without the expectation of you getting back together, but just to let one another know where you are at.

    In terms of the website you joined, was it a dating site or a networking site? You have to be pretty resilient to get involved with these sites, as with life, they will definitely show you rejection at times - not everybody can be for you.

    I wish that someone had poured cement over your hole under your rock before you climbed back in there. I get that your interests were your wife and family, but why were you interested in them? What did you do with them that was so interesting or enjoyable? I think in relationships we can lose ourselves because we are wearing the hat of partner and father/mother. Now it's time to find you. Maybe search the internet for some hobbies and then try some out. You don't have to like a hobby before you begin, usually the joy comes once you've started.

    I recall from other posts that you are rather religious. Do you go to church often? Does your church run any social groups that you could attend? Have you spoken to your priest about recommendations for networking?

    I don't think it's an embolism, I think you just let your heart feel again, and this was probably quite daunting, understandably so. Imagine you were still with your wife, would she want you to be cuddled up underneath a rock somewhere?

    Don't give up just yet:)

    AGrace

  10. SubduedBlues
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    28 July 2014 in reply to AGrace

    AGrace - thanks for the wish.

    regard your comments on her wishes, good point. I hadn't considered it from that perspective.

    Regarding a sitdown I think one of those is coming, but I don't expect that to occur until mid-September. Her parents are booked to fly up for a visit to see the kids (and I don't believe she has shared any of this information with them yet; nor is it my place to do so).

    Regarding the site, I understood from people at work that it handled both friendships and more, but it looks as though my respondent was after the more. Whatever, either way in hindsight it was a bad idea.

    I attend mass weekly, plus I work the occasional mass when needed. No there is not much of a social aspect that I fit into there; as these normally meet whilst I'm at work.

    No, it't not another PE, but it sure feels like it. I had a dozen back in '06/07; real nasty ones. Damn near killed me. Imagining if I were with her, yes I am confident that she'd want me curled up underneath a rock somewhere.

    but I like it under my rock, it's safe down here. I just need some concrete to save me from myself ... to keep me from doing something stoopid again.

  11. SubduedBlues
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    30 July 2014 in reply to AGrace
    Well, it seems as though I went and did something stoopid after all. I allowed myself to hope again. So when she stopped by this afternoon to say that we need to tell the kids that she is officially leaving and we are officially separating,  I was dumbstruck. 
    I should have seen this coming. I should have been prepared. I wasn't. I'm not. 

    My hole is too shallow and my rock is too small. Please oh please won't someone pour concrete atop of my rock? 

  12. AGrace
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    5 August 2014 in reply to SubduedBlues

    Hi D'jected,

    Sorry to hear of the news from your ex. Have you guys spoken with your children yet? I know this is something that's really difficult to discuss with them, and it's only natural that you feel you've lost hope in the relationship.

    Perhaps now you can change that profile to single? It's better in the long run to have closure rather than to feel like you're in limbo land not knowing if you have a chance or not. As difficult as this may be just now.

    In your hole and with cement covering you, you don't have the opportunity to be strong and brave for your children. As a dad, and a very good one at that, this is what you need to focus on now. It's tough as a parent to be forced to put your own feelings aside for the sake of children, but it will bring you more joy to see your children happy than if they were full of uncertainty.

    I hope you'll get back to us.

    AGrace

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