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Topic: Wife at the end

9 posts, 0 answered
  1. Like Snow ❄️
    Like Snow ❄️ avatar
    3 posts
    30 June 2015

    My husband was diagnosed with severe depression 10months ago. He seeks help and medication. Nothing seems to be working really well.

     

    he is constantly trying to leave me and the kids as "we deserve better" and when he's not doing that I am getting a verbal beating. I've been called every name under the sun, I've had things thrown at me, and every conversation turns into some argument. Whether I'm in it or not. I get the undertone swearing and name calling when I don't get dragged into his crap.

     i work full time among looking after 3 kids, volunteer work and all the rest. My career is flourishing. This is another point for arguments. He has no goals and likes his 9-5 job. Which I have no problem with, but because I have goals I am beaten down. I can't speak to other men without being accused. I can't hang out with friends, text, take phone calls or go anywhere with an explanation.

     

    i feel completely soulless now. I'm happy still when I'm around other people. I have high anxiety about being alone with my husband and have no feelings anymore. I am so numb.

     

    does this get any better? Is it worth hanging in there? I am so lost. Even an affair is on my radar I am so desperate for some non-abusive companionship. I never thought those words would come out of my mouth. I feel like such a horrible person.

  2. Sawyer
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Sawyer avatar
    56 posts
    30 June 2015 in reply to Like Snow ❄️

    Hi Like Snow,

    I profoundly wish I could post here with all the answers, but unfortunately I don't have them. It sounds like you are in a really tough situation and even if I knew every single detail about it, I still couldn't necessarily tell you what was right. But I am so sorry that you feel the way you do, no one deserves to feel like this.

    Your husband is clearly going through something, It seems as if he is suffering from pretty severe depression and is swinging between remorsefullness/self loathing and projecting his frustrations/sadness onto you. Unfortunately, first and foremost you must take care of yourself. Any form of violence in the household is unacceptable, and if you feel unsafe, threatened or like you need a break from the name calling, you should do that. Even if its just taking a weekend trip away, staying with a friend or going to the spa.

    No one can tell you whether you should stay or go, your husband may get better on a different form of medication or treatment, but he may not. This really depends on whether he, with the help of a professional, can break the pattern that he is currently in. And for that, it sounds obvious but its important that he wants to get better, and believes in the treatment plan set out for him, but most of all knows that the onus is on him if he wants to see results.

    I am more concerned with how you are feeling as you are the one who has posted on these forums. I would advise to steer clear of affairs, it may seem like it would make things easier, but it may just make the situation messier, with your relationship with him, your children and how you feel about yourself. If you decide that is truly what you want, then you likely have your answer as to what you should do. That is entirely your choice, but it is a big decision to make, so give yourself enough time to make it.

    However that does not mean you should not seek companionship with others, people that support you, make you happy and feel safe. As it so happens, we have a pretty stella forum right here full of people who have experienced many of the things you are feeling. And we will always be here to talk. 

    Kind Regards,

    Sawyer

  3. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    16228 posts
    30 June 2015 in reply to Like Snow ❄️

    dear Like Snow, hi and thanks for coming to the BB site.

    Your comment is rather a distressing one indeed, and Sawyer has given you some good points.

    What I would like to add is that I wonder whether your husband is actually seeing someone with regards to counselling and whether he is actually taking his medication, because at the moment his word could not be trusted.

    I do know that your husband is at a low, but he is treating you with distention, and in no circumstances should this ever be allowed, so there is a safety concern for you and your children, which should not be tolerated at all, so by saying this means that if it was a friend of mine I would tell him/her that he has to find somewhere else to live, but there maybe a problem with this if he doesn't want to leave, then this can be spoken and discussed with you after you reply.

    Every male you talk to isn't someone that you want to run off with, because this could be for many reasons, reasons which he will not accept, therefore causing all this trouble back to you and causing a great deal of harassment and abuse, which seems as though it may become physical.

    Before I go on I would love to hear back from you. L Geoff. x

    1 person found this helpful
  4. pipsy
    pipsy avatar
    2255 posts
    30 June 2015 in reply to Like Snow ❄️
    Dear LS.  I'm wondering if your husband has ever actually been diagnosed.  He's obviously in a 'black dog' mood and not feeling very sure of himself.  It also sounds as though he's extremely jealous of your lifestyle and doesn't know how to join or 'compete'.  The jealous tantrums, name calling, verbal abuse.  Does he have bipolar?  This will cause all sorts of havoc until he gets treatment.  My previous husband had bipolar and if I talked to another man or he thought I was 'looking around' the verbal abuse was unreal.  My husband was on meds, but not for bipolar as it wasn't really acknowledged then.  He has actually passed, now, but what I went through sounds like what you're experiencing.  I would make an appointment with your G.P and discuss with him what your husbands behaviour is like.  Ask him if your husband can be assessed.  If he does have bipolar, the right treatment will settle him down.  The violence too is all part of bipolar.  It sounds like severe mood swings with the tantrums, verbal abuse, actual violence (which, by the way is totally unacceptable).  Your kids need to feel safe too and until your husband gets the help, they're not going to feel safe and may even want to 'run away'.   
  5. Like Snow ❄️
    Like Snow ❄️ avatar
    3 posts
    1 July 2015

    Thanks for all the replies guys.

    it really does help to have you all to air that to. I generally this is a site for the actual depressed individual, I just really didn't know where to turn. I'm feeling trapped, and without sounding selfish it's all about his wellbeing right now, which is fine, I just want to make sure i come out of it sane as well.

     he does want to get better, there is at least that want and need for it. I do go to the psychologist with him and he has begun to see a psychiatrist. We are at the beginning of it all if you look at it in the big picture. We are in the ups and downs of meds and trying them. So still trying to find the right balance before we can move forward. 

     im very mindful at all times what my kids are picking up on. They are 9 years old. I'm not sure how much to tell them. They know that Dad isn't himself and we are working on it and this won't be forever.

    i am a child from this same disease, I'm very aware of the effects and what life can be like.

     my question right now use, do I just potter along with life and do the best I can for a normal one for myself and the kids and keep ticking away with getting him better, or drop it all and concentrate on him.

  6. Hyper
    Hyper avatar
    2 posts
    2 July 2015 in reply to Like Snow ❄️

    Hi Snow,

     It is a gut wrenching position to be in and having gone through something similar with an ex gf I can understand to a certain degree how you are feeling. A few questions, how old are you both, have you been married long? Has he gone through dark periods before and come out of them? Is he currently on meds? If so how long and what has he been diagnosed with? 

     I only ask these questions because I think the course you take to a certain degree should be driven from some of those things.

     the internal struggle you now have (which I had myself) "how do I get back my partner and if I can't feel I have the right to be happy again" which may mean leaving the relationship. Especially seeing you love the person but not what they have become. The first thing you need to realise is you aren't any use to anyone if you don't look after yourself, you really should look at talking to someone yourself as "normality" for you and your child will be derived from you at this point.

     you need to accept that whilst you can support your husband and the actions he takes to recovery you can't turn him around, his own actions and support of health professionals (and by the sounds of it probably medication) is what will get him out of this. You need to be realistic about what you can do now. You really need to look after yourself but still be there for him. But the reality is at some point if things don't turn around then you may need to make the hard decision to protect you and your child.

     

    whatever you do don't feel guilty for wanting happiness you deserve it and as I touched on the most positive thing you can do at the moment is look after yourself, time will soon give you direction on you marriage long term and you need to be in the best shape to handle it 

     

     

     

     

    1 person found this helpful
  7. Flowerbud
    Flowerbud avatar
    1 posts
    16 July 2015

    Hi Like Snow.

    I can understand where you are coming from. My husband used to come home from work and just go into silent mode and not talk, leaving me thinking I had done something wrong. He also tries to belittle me and then yells at me. Saying  I am stupid and my family and friends are no good ( which is not true at all). I am 13 years younger than him . He told me one Christmas when I told him I had had enough of his attitude, that he suffered from depression. I told him I would support him through it. He takes no medication  and does nothing to help himself. This has continued throughout our married life. I used to think he was tired from his work and his grumpiness was from that. When we have an argument he doesn't talk to our two grown up children either.He has retired about a year ago. I continue to work full time.  2 weeks ago we had a disagreement over the show I was watching and he called me a disgusting word.  For the past 2 weeks he has not spoken to me.  I am a happy fun person who enjoys life. I can only take so much.  I wonder if it is now time to live my life with only happy people surrounding me.

  8. Like Snow ❄️
    Like Snow ❄️ avatar
    3 posts
    4 August 2015 in reply to geoff

    Thank you for your reply. Since last, the abuse and name calling got worse. One of the kids witnessed it. I had to put an end to it. He got what he wanted, he has left to live somewhere else so he can concentrate on getting the help he needs so hopefully we can patch things up.

    It appears now after a week of living apart, he is done with me. He took his money and left. Having a great time and behaving like I was the problem. What the hell? I gave him everything, to get nothing in return and this slap in the face. I stood by him.. For what? To be used!

  9. RickyC7
    RickyC7 avatar
    2 posts
    5 August 2015 in reply to Like Snow ❄️

    Hi, 

     I am listing to this audio book at the moment and I think it might help you both. It's in paper book format too but the audios work for me. 

     "His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage by Willard F. Harley"

    I've been that guy too. I'm sorry. 

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