My name is Bridge, I have suffered from depression and anxiety from about the age of 12, culminating in a big breakdown at 29.
At 29, homeless, jobless and bedraggled, I finally got help, literally hours I thought about ending my life, which I aborted at the last minute as I just wondered if (perhaps?!) I really was suffering from depression. I decided that I should go and ask, just in case, as if I wasn't the other option would always be available. Many thanks to the teachers who taught me logical thinking skills. And many thanks also to the enlightened GP who saw me, without an appointment, having never met me before, (and after I had spat on his waiting room carpet). They saved my life that day.
and while I'm at it, thanks also to my dad, who took me in and let me sleep under the table in the living room for a while, where I felt safe.
That day marked the start of the rest of my life. The great rebuild. It has taken years, and I am so proud of myself for what I have achieved. 15 years on, I have a full time job I love, a partner I (usually) adore, an investment house that provides some security, and my relationships are stronger and healther. I live up in the bush now, just outside Melbourne, and I am free here. I love it. I can help other people now. I can give back. Its fantastic.
so, where ia the suicide and whats so complicated, I hear you wondering?
I had a friend. I met her at school when I was 6. we were best friends. We ended up at different schools, but always kept in touch. spasmodically at times, through the years. Knowing her kept me going at school when I felt no affinity to anyone, when I was the only odd person and no one else made sense. That continued through my 20s as well. She continued to make more sense, even after a long absence, than pretty much anyone else.
In my late twenties, my friend met her future wife, (who I will call X) and moved in with her (yeah, we're all lesbians here). I went overseas for a year, and came home a wreck. Backpacking was great: as no one knew me, it was easier to hide my ever deepening depression. It came to light shortly after my return (and almost suicide) that I was in trouble, and I told my friend about it. Over the next few months, I got very mixed messages from them both. I would be invited to visit, and then asked to leave. Her partner was really rude to me on more than one occasion. Eventually I stopped going around, and they never came to visit. I was angry, baffled and very very hurt. But I had enough to deal with, I was fighting something that was way bigger than them. So I put the hurt and confusion into a box in the back of my mind, taped down the lid, and walked away from it. There seemed nothing I could do, so I just got on with life. And I did.
roll on 14 years, and I get an email, out of the blue, from my friend. She tells me that the reason that she removed me from their lives was at her partners request, as her partner was scared by my depression and felt sure that it would end in my death and she didn't want that for herself or my friend. She then went on to say that her partner had since taken her own life, leaving her with 2 primary aged children.
Since then I have caught up with my friend twice. I haven't met her kids yet. It is good to see her, and weirdly, we kind of just pick up where we left off, as we always have. It is really great to have her around in the soup of life again. Its going to take a long time to catch up, and to readjust, and I'm angry sometimes that I need to at all. But then I remind myself to make the best of what you have. so im looking forwards to the future.
But X. I haven't grieved like this, ever, I think. And its so confusing. Im crying as I type this. I cant seem to make headway. Im obsessively thinking about the whole situation , over and over. I daydream about what I could have done, that day she died, if id just run into her. (would I have recognised her anyway? its been 14 years and I didn't know her that well to start with. insane stuff). I get angry with her and find myself talking to her (and shouting at her) when theres no one to hear me. "You should have recognised this! You know this would have passed! You've done this before!!". I trawl the internet looking for pictures of her, write ups about her, obituaries. She didn't even like me! She was horrible to me! Why on EARTH am I so upset???
so that's my current struggle.
and it will pass.
I actually feel better having written it and read it back. Im going to post it on a forum, which is something I've never done before (I usually just save things onto the hard drive and avoid them in future).
so well see how that goes.
Thank you for reading this far. I feel better already.