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Forums / Sexuality and gender identity / Advice Or Opinions Please - Should I Tell My Wife I'm Exploring Bi/Gay Contact.

Topic: Advice Or Opinions Please - Should I Tell My Wife I'm Exploring Bi/Gay Contact.

15 posts, 0 answered
  1. Curious Kiwozzie
    Curious Kiwozzie avatar
    6 posts
    29 April 2018

    Hi,

    I am a 46 year old man.

    I'm happily married to my wife, we've been together for 21years. She's the mother of our 3 adult kids, she's my best friend, she's my rock and she really is the love of my life.

    I still find my wife very attractive and I love her deeply. We don't have sex very often, barely once every couple of months, I'm just not interested, I think because I have "performance issues" sometimes.

    For around the last 15 years, at times, I have desired and fantasized about being intimate with another man. My wife doesn't know this, I don't think she'd take it well.

    I have only recently decided to explore these urges in a safe, discrete way. I've had one encounter with a man, we didn't do everything I'd like to try, but we both enjoyed it, even though my "performance issues" made an appearance.

    I've decided to search for a partnered gay man or couple to explore with safely, on a regular basis, although I'm still not 100% sure if I'm really into other men sexually, or if it is just curiosity and fantasy, and that once I've done it I won't want to do it again.

    I feel guilty doing this behind my wifes back, but male intimacy is something that she obviously can't provide and I feel it's something I need to explore, for me.

    I don't know if I should talk about this with her. I don't plan on starting a relationship, just to explore "getting off" with another man.

    I don't want to lose everything we've built together, or the plans for our future.

    Is it wrong for me to not tell her, keep it a secret and once I've "scratched the itch", go on as if nothing has happened?

    2 people found this helpful
  2. marcus_c
    marcus_c avatar
    92 posts
    30 April 2018
    Hi Curious Kiwozzie,

    There are a lot of men in your position. As an out gay man on the other side of the equation, I often talk to them online on dating apps.

    I guess I'm lucky in that my orientation was pretty obvious to me from a fairly young age. It must be tough to realise that you might be bi once you're already many years down the track and married with a family.

    Here's the issue I see: when you got married, I'm guessing you took vows to be faithful and monogamous. If so, then having sex with anyone outside your marriage, regardless of gender, is cheating on your wife. I think you know this, which is why you're feeling guilty about it.

    It's a really tough spot to be in. A lot of guys are in situations like this, where they have casual encounters with men on the side and don't tell their wives. Do you think you could be that guy?
    3 people found this helpful
  3. Curious Kiwozzie
    Curious Kiwozzie avatar
    6 posts
    30 April 2018 in reply to marcus_c

    Hi Marcus_c

    Thanks for your thoughts.

    You make a good point and you're right, cheating is cheating, regardless of who it is with.

    I guess I'm trying to justify it by thinking that it's curiosity and purely physical, just like using a sex toy, except it's a real man.

    The contact I desire is something that my wife obviously can't give me.

    Your final question, "Do you think you could be that guy?", has actually made me stop and think.

    So thank you

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Quercus
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    Quercus avatar
    3538 posts
    30 April 2018 in reply to Curious Kiwozzie

    Hi Kiwozzie and welcome,

    I'm going to be blunt. I felt really sad reading your posts because... You've already cheated on your wife without even giving her the chance to be open minded.

    I think the fact that you have chosen to act and then keep it a secret from your wife shows that being with another man means more to you than just an experiment. You've already chosen to move from a difficult discussion where she probably will feel hurt and angry... To a difficult discussion where she is going to learn you have cheated and lied and not respected her enough to talk about it first.

    You know your wife. I don't. For me if my husband came to me first I would consider our options. I wouldn't like it. But I would consider it if it was what he needed and see of we could come up with something to make our marriage work. And if I couldn't then we move on amicably. But once there is distrust... I'm gone and being amicable is out.

    What I'm saying is please consider what you are doing before you choose to lie.

    You said you haven't gone very far. Ok so your wife is going to be furious. But isn't it better to sit her down now than to talk later once you've had sex with someone else and she's freaking out about STDs and whether you've come home to sleep with her after being with someone else? Our imaginations are the worst of all. If you give her nothing when she finds out it is not going to be a good situation for either of you because she will think the absolute worst.

    I hope you don't feel judged by me. I don't think badly of you for wanting to experiment I think it is quite normal for a lot of people. I just feel sad because you have a wife you clearly love and the way you go about this situation is going to affect whether you have support or are isolated. And that is important.

    Feel free to rip me a new one if you are offended. I am ok with that.

    Nat

    3 people found this helpful
  5. Curious Kiwozzie
    Curious Kiwozzie avatar
    6 posts
    30 April 2018 in reply to Quercus

    Hi Quercus
    Great comments, thanks.

    I appreciate and prefer honesty.

    I think it would be wrong if I wasn't judged to a certain degree. By putting this out there, I am setting myself up to be judged, I expect it and I accept it.

    I'm certainly not offended by your comments, if I can't handle peoples opinions, then I shouldn't be on here, and it should be me that gets ripped into.

    I was hoping for responses like, "It can't be cheating if it's just sexual and not emotional with another man", or, "What your wife doesn't know, won't hurt her", which I know is all wrong.

    My wife is an amazing woman and I owe her the respect and decency to be up front and honest at the very least.

    I love her too much to pursue these desires without talking with her, but I just don't know if I can yet. So I don't think I should act on them anymore at this stage.

    3 people found this helpful
  6. Quercus
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    Quercus avatar
    3538 posts
    1 May 2018 in reply to Curious Kiwozzie

    Hi Kiwozzie,

    I have got a lot of respect for what you just wrote.

    First off to flat out admit you wanted people to help you justify doing what you already knew was wrong. That takes guts.

    Then to admit you're not ready to talk to her. That's ok. You're talking about a pretty massive discussion. One that can potentially end your marriage and even friendship. So yeah I do understand your reluctance.

    But to decide for yourself that what you're doing isn't ok by YOUR own standards. That's hard to do.

    So yeah. Respect. That's about all this reply was about.

    I don't feel good about your initial post. I felt a bit yuck about how you wrote you love your wife but weren't showing her love or respect with your actions.

    If it helps at all from my POV I think it is easier as a woman to accept the idea of my husband needing something I am unable to give than it would be if he wanted another woman.

    I don't know how your wife will react. But I really do hope you can find a way to maintain a relationship or even a friendship.

    Thanks for accepting my words so gracefully.

    Nat

    2 people found this helpful
  7. Curious Kiwozzie
    Curious Kiwozzie avatar
    6 posts
    1 May 2018 in reply to Quercus

    Hi Quercus,

    For what it's worth, I always knew it was wrong. I just got caught up in my own selfish fantasy.

    Your responces have helped bring me back to my sences.

    Thank you

    1 person found this helpful
  8. geoff
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    geoff avatar
    15054 posts
    1 May 2018 in reply to Curious Kiwozzie
    Hello Curious Kiwozzie, I am not here to criticise you in any way, it's just an opinion but basically, I agree with Nat.

    If you have any relationship either with another man or even a female ( no discrimination ) behind your wife's back then you are cheating, you've broken the trust.

    A sex toy isn't the same as a real man, because there are emotions, getting involved in their personal details, so when this person does need emotional help they are most likely going to contact you and at that stage you might be doing something with your wife, so who are you going to chose, stay with your wife or go to this chap asking for help.

    Again please don't take any of this personally, it's just a reply and if I have upset you then I'm sorry.

    Geoff.
    1 person found this helpful
  9. Curious Kiwozzie
    Curious Kiwozzie avatar
    6 posts
    1 May 2018 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geoff,

    Thank you for being honest, I appreciate it.

    I've tried to justify it, but I have quickly realised what I already knew - This is so wrong in so many ways.

    I actually feel like an a$$hole about it now, as I rightfully should.

    I haven't taken it personally and thanks.

    3 people found this helpful
  10. Curious Kiwozzie
    Curious Kiwozzie avatar
    6 posts
    2 May 2018

    Just an update on where I'm at.

    First a massive THANK YOU to -

    marcus_c

    Quercus and

    geoff

    You 3 really did guide me back to the land of decency.

    I have deleted and closed the apps I was chatting to other men on.

    I have shut off all contact with guys I was looking at meeting.

    I knew I was being an idiot, I know men that cheat and I think they are scum for doing it.

    I love my wife too much to do anything to hurt her.

    It's just not worth it.

    I can't undo my one encounter that I did have, I wish I could. I've decided not to tell her about that one, call me a gutless coward if you like, but I made a huge mistake, I know she'd be really hurt, and I'll be honest, I'm scared if I did tell her, I'd be out the door.

    So thanks once again for your honesty, it's exactly what I needed.

    All the best

    2 people found this helpful
  11. Quercus
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    Quercus avatar
    3538 posts
    2 May 2018 in reply to Curious Kiwozzie

    Hi Kiwiozzie,

    Appreciation always feels nice but really I think you already knew and just needed a nudge.

    We are all human. We're allowed to stuff up sometimes. But part of me wonders is this a stuff up for you? Or something you feel you need?

    Your sexuality is what it is. If you are bisexual it is probably an issue your wife needs to know about because it isn't going to just be wished away. I can't wish myself attracted to women... It just doesn't work that way I suppose.

    Do you worry you'll resent your wife one day if you keep your sexuality a secret?

    Discussing the infidelity is 100% your call. I can see why you would be reluctant.

    What about asking your wife about fantasties and fetishes? There are lists you can download that suggest pretty much everything. I printed one once for my husband and it was surprising for both of us to see what sort of things were yes, nos and maybes. We made it a bit of a game who can shock the other more. For example if he looked embarressed I would show him an option I was embarrassed about so he didn't feel so vulnerable. It was as a couple one of the best things we have done.

    It might give you an idea of the kind of reception your wife would give you regarding your curiousity. You don't know unless you ask. Maybe she would agree.

    I hope you can find a way to make this work because it shows clearly that your wife is very important to you.

    Nat

     

    2 people found this helpful
  12. geoff
    Life Member
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    geoff avatar
    15054 posts
    2 May 2018 in reply to Curious Kiwozzie

    Hi Kiwiozzie, thanks for your reply and you do love your wife so maybe there are some other options the two of can think about.

    A 21 year old marriage means the two of you have been through so much together, both good and disappointing, but you're still together and love each other, so that means the world. Geoff.

    2 people found this helpful
  13. marcus_c
    marcus_c avatar
    92 posts
    2 May 2018 in reply to Curious Kiwozzie
    Hi Curious, it sounds like a good idea to keep the temptation (apps) at bay while you're figuring things out for yourself. Your one encounter, while you're not proud of it, has given you a lot to think about.

    I agree with Quercus that this probably isn't the end of the road. There's so much guilt and shame attached to same-sex attraction and contact in the first place, which is why many men don't realise these feelings until they're older. Please don't be too hard on yourself. I would hate to see you push all these feelings back into the closet only to have them come out in the form of resenting your wife years down the track. What do you think?

    1 person found this helpful
  14. Ruby 2
    Ruby  2   avatar
    81 posts
    26 May 2018 in reply to Curious Kiwozzie

    Hi and welcome.After much distress my husband of 32yrs has admitted to me that he is bi/gay.but of respect for me he stopped trying to engage sex with me.We are now in the process of divorcing amicably. I care enough to wish him to live a true life and to be content.He is still suffering immense guilt but is seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist to help him adjust.I still love him and wish to remain friends as does he.I believe if your love for each other is based on friendship you will survive. Love doesn't judge. Initially your wife may grieve for your marriage but you owe it to yourself to live a life of honesty. Otherwise I see nothing but heartache and distress for you.A psychologist will be able to point you in the right direction and help your wife adjust as well.Life is not a dress rehearsal-go live it with honesty and those that matter will respect you for it. I wish you strength and faith that while you may have a difficult road ahead you are not alone.I am always here if you need help on how to approach your wife.it wasn't the fact my husband was gay,it was the infidelity that hurt. We still remain committed to each other.You need to come clean for your own mental health.All the best for this new stage in your life.

    Ruby

    2 people found this helpful
  15. AndyR
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    AndyR avatar
    61 posts
    28 May 2018 in reply to Curious Kiwozzie

    Hi Curious

    Just come across your post and subsequent thread.

    To be bluntly honest (which you say you like) I grew increasingly sad with how the conversation went. So my two bobs worth. Ruby2 is spot on in her statement: You need to come clean for your own mental health.

    That's not about the infidelity (to use a term I find a bit judgemental) it's about your long held fantasy and desire about your attraction to intimacy with another man. That's the bit I think you need to come clean on to yourself more than your wife or anyone else. It's been present as an elephant in the room of your life for fifteen years - that's a third of your life. Will it go away? Can you, by closing down the tempting apps, cutting off possible contacts, and calling yourself an idiot, really ignore that elephant? Will it really go away or still sit in the corner with long term implications for your metal and emotional well-being? And for the well-being of someone you love?

    My sense here is coming clean doesn't necessarily involve a conversation with your wife as the first step. What about a counselor/psychologist as a way of exploring all you've raised here in a safe non-judging environment that allows you to understand for you what this all means both now and for your future life. You are still relatively young, there is a lot of life to live yet. Closing yourself down with the comment "I knew I was being an idiot" strikes me as harsh self-talk. You weren't an idiot, you were a human who made a questionable choice. That's all. What concerns me is how it could manifest in the future, given the desire has been there for a long time. It is a big thing with large ramifications so supportive advice/assistance will give you a safety net as you gain clarity. Please go get some.

    That's my two bobs worth.

    1 person found this helpful

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