Thanks for your questions as well, will try to answer my best.
If I'm completely honest, I'm most scared of being judged. In a lot of ways, for not knowing what my identity is, for not knowing my sexuality, as being someone who's unsure about such an important part of their lives, I feel like people will look down at me as someone who has no idea about themselves. I'm ashamed too. I'm scared to explore it even if it's something real, it's just a lot of fear that I've internalised. And the crazy thing is, I don't really think i have any desire towards men in that way. But I will say that the anxiety and uncertainty has culled my desire for women too at the moment, sorry for the overshare but I thought best to try and be completely open about this.
My fear/thoughts are of "what if I'm not who I think I am, what if I really am gay, maybe I'll like it if I try it" (without a desire to do it) as if I'll be putting myself through an experiment. "Maybe you're in denial."
Maybe I would feel like an outcast to my friends and family, I don't know how it would feel... I think people would laugh at me. Not because of being gay, but because it's because of my identity that I think I have. I think I wouldn't be accepted for it by people close to me. That might be the real fear. That I'd be rejected and made fun of.
I feel like this has made my personal life a bit of a mess and I want to aim and get real about this and deal with it. All the advice I've gotten in the past I feel has been very passive and along the lines of "there's nothing wrong with you" and "I'm sure you'll figure it out" but it is something that I pretend doesn't bother me, but clearly it kind of does.
I just want to know what to do.
Thanks guys, I know this might come across as a little neurotic but it's really great to talk about. And thinking about your questions Marcus is making me frame things differently in my mind.