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Forums / Sexuality and gender identity / Ashamed & Worried about being Gay

Topic: Ashamed & Worried about being Gay

5 posts, 0 answered
  1. Anonymous Man
    Anonymous Man avatar
    1 posts
    2 May 2018

    I’ve been attracted to men for around 15 years. It’s a secret I’ve kept from everyone in my life. I’ve met up with guys once a month or so discreetly through dating apps. After I meet with them I leave feeling very ashamed of myself and feel depressed.

    I know it’s a lot more acceptable and common nowadays to come out as being Gay. But it’s not something I think I want to do. I have massive problems with self confidence and anxiety and hate thinking that people are talking about me behind my back.

    i want to be straight like my family and friends and meet a girl and marry her, then start a family.

    Its been such a heavy burden for me personally. I’ve had attractions with straight friends that are close to me over the years as well.

    I feel like coming out would effect my family, friends and work. But part of me knows that a lot of my friends and family probably suspect it anyway.

    I constantly put others before myself for the reason that I don’t want to admit what’s going wrong with my life and face the reality of the situation.

    Ive just watched that new movie Love, Simon and found it very relatable and inspiring for aspects of what I’ve gone through in my life as well. I’m just not sure it’s something I want to pursue. I know people say ‘you can’t choose who you love’. But I’m craving for a straight relationship like my friends and family so I fit in to what’s deemed normal. I just have such little self confidence in myself that I don’t even know where to start...

    1 person found this helpful
  2. blueskye
    Multicultural Correspondent
    • Foundation members of our Multicultural Experiences section
    • Hong Kong
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    blueskye avatar
    67 posts
    3 May 2018 in reply to Anonymous Man

    I haven't watched Love, Simon before but I'll check it out!

    One of my friends is gay and he went through a similar situation to you.

    He has tried very hard to like females and be 'straight', including having sexual relations with them. However, he wasn't satisfied no matter what he did and remained attracted to males.

    When he told us that he was gay, we were all really chill. If your friends don't accept who you are, they aren't worth being friends and I suggest finding some new ones. Family can be more tricky if they have a certain mindset. However, they just need to know that you're the same person but with a different sexual preference. Workplaces in Australia are becoming more LGBT friendly. They will receive backlash from the community if they discriminated against people who are gay.

    My gay friend has dating apps too and I think you should continue meeting other gay people. You can gain confidence in your sexuality.

    The same-sex marriage survey for Australia had an overwhelming amount of people supporting gay people. The majority of people support you, including me.

    You're not going to be happy being in a relationship with a female no matter how hard you try because you're simply not attracted to that sex. It will be unfair to her as well.

    I encourage you to love yourself more and accept yourself, including your sexuality.

    You only live once, might as well make it as enjoyable as you can. All the best! You have our support <3

    2 people found this helpful
  3. pancake101
    pancake101 avatar
    4 posts
    3 May 2018 in reply to Anonymous Man


    I'm so sorry other that you have been keeping this to yourself for 15 years, that must have been really hard.

    My advice for coming out to your family if you ever felt comfortable doing so would be to find one family member who you know will be accepting and compassionate towards your coming out, telling even one person can help ease that build up of anxiety. This person can also assist in helping you come out to the rest of your family as well. Having an ally you can trust even if its a friend is always a good thing.

    I know the whole idea of being gay and coming out to people is absolutely terrifying at times but please don't feel like you have to change who you are, social norms are changing all around us and thats because people have decided that conforming wasn't worth the price of their individuality. Know that you are not alone in this and if or when you are ready to come out there will be a whole community of people out there who will be ready to support you,

    I hope this helped and I wish you the best of luck on your journey Anonymous Man .

    3 people found this helpful
  4. stormcloudz
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    stormcloudz avatar
    341 posts
    3 May 2018 in reply to Anonymous Man

    Hi there

    You might like to read other people's stories of figuring out their identity - Google "coming out support Australia" and

    There is no need to be ashamed of meeting up with guys on dating apps. I understand why you feel that way, but theres no need. You're OK just the way you are.

    It's a process, exploring your identity. You can take it slow if you wish. It's complex, and does involve loss (traditional marriage, kids - although all those things are more accessible these days). There's also gains - love, acceptance, no more hiding.

    Big hugs to you, my brother. Make sure you keep exploring. There is plenty of support out there for you if you want it.

  5. AndyR
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    AndyR avatar
    61 posts
    28 May 2018 in reply to Anonymous Man

    Hi Anonymous Man

    Don't know if you're still about but if you are I hope things are becoming clearer. Reading your post I was struck by a thought. You said:

    I want to be straight like my family and friends and meet a girl and marry her, then start a family.

    Here's a thought. Change it a little bit to:

    I want to be like my family and friends and meet someone and marry them, then start a family.

    So no gender, just someone. And if that someone is a bloke then it is all the same, it is all possible. You can have someone to love, someone to marry, someone to start a family with, someone your friends and family will come to know and love too. You'll be just as they are, in a loving supportive relationship. It just happens to be with another guy. That's all. So give it a go, even if just for a little bit, make the same wish but take the gender out, and see how it feels. Try it for a few minutes, then longer, and see how it feels.

    Because all the things you want are possible in a same-sex relationship - love, commitment, support, friendship and joy. Plus - and it is a big one - coming out can take away the energy loss spent on worrying and anxiety. You'll be freer to find that which I suspect you really crave - and that is an authentic loving relationship where you can be you without disguise.

    Good luck.

    4 people found this helpful

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