Hi DireVi, I hope you are ok and, Happy Birthday! I'm gay and I've been through a few quite challenging situations in my life and I hope that what I´ve learnt so far might be of help to you.
I've always found it helpful to establish some basic and fundamental truths because sometimes people around us make us feel unsure about things that we KNOW that is set on STONE. These truths change from person to person, but they should be solid to you. These questions might help you determine what you believe in:
- let's say you are blond for the sake of the example, you should ask yourself, would my mum still love me if I was born brunette (note that being blond and brunette are things that everybody understands that we have no control over)? Being trans is no different than being brunette, which should be regarded as a universal truth. Born this way or not, that's who you are (LGBTQI 101 so far, and the base from where you should start approaching these questions from).
-let's say that your mum doesn't love you just because you were born a brunette, the next 2 obvious questions are:
- should I blame her for that? The answer is: the jury is still out on that one, and it really depends on the culture and the family. In my case, I decided that I wouldn't blame my dad if he didn't accept me, just because I know his upbringing was very different than mine, but on the other hand, I was like F it, it's 2020 (in my case it was 2016), if he hasn't developed at least some understanding and acceptance, then it's on him.
- Even though she is my mum, should I still love her and try to make this relationship work? (I mean, those 2 things are very hard to achieve if they don't love you back) Here again, the answer depends on your relationship and your situation. Ironically enough, my dad was super accepting, but we had other differences that were pushing me into depression. In the end, I started to question the "unbreakable" bond between a parent and a daughter/son, and it led me to the realization of the following truth: you should always ask yourself whether a non-joyful (therefore non-meaningful) life is worth the "comfort" and the "security" of not coming out but still preserving this "relationship" (is it a relationship if they don't know who you are?).
I hope I don't come across too hi-strong, and I hope it's clear and helpful. These are not answers, but questions that might lead you to the answers you are looking for. You will get there, hang on tight!