Online forums

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please complete your profile

Complete your profile

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please join our online community.

Forum membership is open to anyone residing in Australia.

Join the online community Community rules Coping during the Coronavirus outbreak

Topic: conflicted

  1. Kara01
    Kara01 avatar
    31 posts
    29 April 2021 in reply to Jo8049

    Hi Jo you are right as I will definitely guided by any advice from my friend the physiologist can provide me with as this will be an informal discussion just try and me arrive at the right decision about having the discussion with my wife.

    Unless she strongly advises me to wait a bit longer I feel that I have reached a point where I need to release the pressure valve and calmly tell her whats been going on and how much pain and suffering I have been living with.

    I am very sensitive to her feelings but I think that honesty is the best why forward so she can try and understand what I have been living with all these years.

    I have many mixed emotions right at the moment but I know deep down inside that if I don't move on this now I will regret it for the rest of my life.

    This will be first time in my life that I have made a decision that I know totally is the right one for me without putting everyone feelings in front of my own

    As always thanks to you and other members of the forum for letting me share the beginning of my journey.

    Kara

  2. Kara01
    Kara01 avatar
    31 posts
    1 May 2021

    Well I have finally taken the first step of my journey, though it was through a lot of tears and sobbing with my GP today.

    I have made a follow up appointment next week to formulate a mental health care plan and then see where it takes me next.

    I made a mistake yesterday which turned out to be a blessing is disguise as I made an innocent comment on a web page not thing that anyone would see it, but you guessed it both of my sisters saw it.

    The best piece of news that both of them fully support me and offered any help that they can for me and for my wife.

    I have decided that I will be having a talk tomorrow with my wife as I feel I owe it her to be honest, I am hoping that I can explain to her how I felt have for the last 50 years I don't expect her to embrace the idea and be happy for me. I hope that she will see my pain and understand what this has been doing to me for so long and in time understand why I need to do this.

    I am going to give her as much time and space that she needs even if it means moving out for awhile if that what she wants.

    I will keep coming back with more updates as I move forward on my journey and as always looking forward to hearing from you all again.

    2 people found this helpful
  3. Lillylane
    Lillylane avatar
    215 posts
    2 May 2021 in reply to Kara01
    Hi Kara,

    I read your post with happy tears as I’m so glad your sisters have expressed their support.

    My husband told me about 2 years ago that he wanted to transition. I really didn’t see it coming so I didn’t know what to think or feel. But it did explain the self-loathing she has suffered over her lifetime (stemming from gender dysphoria).

    As the months rolled by, the implications for our relationship started to sink in. Individual counselling has been really helpful.

    You and your wife are not alone. Hope it helps to know that.

    I love the name Kara by the way! It is a beautiful name.

    Take care,

    Lillylane
    1 person found this helpful
  4. Kara01
    Kara01 avatar
    31 posts
    2 May 2021 in reply to Lillylane

    Hi Lillylane, nice to have someone else share a different perspective with the experience with gender dysphoria.

    I am very lucky to have two sisters who are totally there for me but also there for my wife as they have a very strong bond.

    Today was the most difficult discussion I have ever had with my wife as I had no idea what here reaction would be.

    I was expecting to be shown the door but I couldn't have been more wrong. Right now she has shown a tremendous amount strength and support for me after delivering my news.

    What the future holds is anyone's guess and she may not be able to support me to end but I will be grateful for how ever much time we have left together.

    There was to much information for her to digest today but we discussed her seeing someone in the future to give her some counseling and guidance while I am transitioning.

    Right now she said that she's not sure so I didn't press her she has to comfortable with everything going forward.

    Through this forum I realized what a great community it is and have soon realized that there is help and support out there.

    Thankfully we aren't alone as so many people have been so wonderful and understanding of what I have been going through for many many years and have shared some of the experiences with me.

    Yes I have always loved the name Kara as she has always been inside me but had been suppressed for so many years and now is being set free although it be slowly as I know the process doesn't happen overnight.

    I hope you and your partner have been able to find the inner peace and happiness that will enable you be together in the future as this has been one of my biggest fears is loosing my wife of so many years.

    Kara

  5. Jo8049
    Jo8049 avatar
    303 posts
    3 May 2021 in reply to Kara01

    Good morning Kara . Well done . I am very very happy for you , let everything take its own time .You are on the way now and it seems it never ends and we are here . Keep us all posted if you want to ( or not ? )

    Lol Jo W

  6. Kara01
    Kara01 avatar
    31 posts
    3 May 2021 in reply to Jo8049

    Hi Jo thanks for the positive words it's been a very difficult and emotional weekend as finally being able to talk face to face with someone was a release for some of what I have been suppressing for most of my life.

    I am blessed to have two loving sisters who have offered all the support they can to me and my wife.

    It tore me apart yesterday when I opened up to my wife.

    2 hours of tears and emotion's took there toll on me.

    I am having a few days off work to try and get myself together and sort out some of what I need to do.

    I wasn't able to talk my physiologist before speaking with my wife.

    I am talking with her tomorrow afternoon and see what advice she can offer.

    I am seeing my doctor again next Saturday to go over my mhcp and talk about seeing a phycologist.

    The only important people that I still have to deal with are my mother and my children.

    I think I am more worried about the reaction from my children than my mother.

    Not ready just yet to have that talk so going to wait and see what happens after my next visit to the doctor and then decide when I will tell them.

    Take care Jo looking forward to our next chat.

    Kara

  7. Jo8049
    Jo8049 avatar
    303 posts
    3 May 2021 in reply to Kara01

    Hi Kara . The hardest bit is behind you . Be true to yourself and honest to others . There are many moments to come where your confidence may be tested a bit , but as I said the weight is mostly gone now and there are many people out there you will encounter now that get it ! That are there to help you . It is incredible that you felt so alone as that weight started to really push on you , was the same for me also . We are here also . Just drop into the cafe to if you want ( specially if you want to chat asap ).

    Jo W

  8. Kara01
    Kara01 avatar
    31 posts
    3 May 2021 in reply to Jo8049

    Hi Jo I don't I know how I would have coped without your words of support and love,

    Just thanks for being there for me when I have needed someone to rant and rave to when I need to release.

    love

    Kara

  9. Jo8049
    Jo8049 avatar
    303 posts
    4 May 2021 in reply to Kara01

    Hi Kara , all those things you mention are the reason this space exists , and why we are here . You are very brave and that bravery needs support . There are many things in the future now . Two very important ones ( but by no means not the only ones ) are support and gaining confidence in you . Support is always here , confidence travels at its own pace , as does this very fluid journey .

    Lol Jo

    1 person found this helpful
  10. Kara01
    Kara01 avatar
    31 posts
    4 May 2021 in reply to Jo8049

    I am sure that all of the emotion's that I am feeling right now are same for all us going through transition.

    I have spent the last few days talking to the people who I know I can trust.

    It's been very difficult at times to begin the conversation but each time I talk to people I feel a little bit better.

    I have had n nothing but words of support and love. Everyone has felt a deep sorry for what I been dealing with most of my life.

    I am giving my wife as much time and space to process everything since Sunday.

    What hurts the most right now is my wife hasn't asked me once how I feeling and am I you ok.

    So right now I have 5 people who I can trust and rely on to be available when I need them.

    I am all over the place with my emotion's which isn't a lot of fun.

    Today I will have an opportunity to talk with my friend the physiologist.

    Once I complete my mhcp I the next step will involve shine and finding a phycologist which I feel I really need.

    Then where ever it takes me.

    Will need to deal with my children and my mother in the coming weeks none of this is going to happen until after mother's day.

    One of sisters hit me with something that never occurred to me.

    She told me that it explains why I wasn't a happy person.

    It hit me that she was right how could I be happy with myself when I wasn't who I needed to be.

    Thanks for listening again.

    Kara

    2 people found this helpful
  11. Jo8049
    Jo8049 avatar
    303 posts
    4 May 2021 in reply to Kara01

    Hi Kara , had similar conversation today about the old me ( deadname person ) . ie being not happy . Could not look in the mirror . Jo can and she loves Jo very much . Life for me is very beautiful now . It is Jo's time , late in life as that is . 👍😉🐾💃

    Lol Jo

    3 people found this helpful
  12. Kara01
    Kara01 avatar
    31 posts
    5 May 2021

    Didn't have a very good day yesterday, started out okay just doing a few errands etc before speaking with my friend the physiologist which went pretty well she gave me some good advice and has offered to support me in anyway that she can, so it's nice to have another trusted person in my circle.

    Unfortunately that's the high point for the day, yesterday evening I received a frantic message from one of my sisters telling me that she couldn't get onto mum as the phone just kept ringing out.

    We contacted Teltsra to check the phone line for a fault but there wasn't one.

    So my other sister went around to mum's at about 6. 00pm to find mum on the bathroom floor, she had been there for 12 hours.

    So an ambulance was called plus the fire brigade to assist with getting her to hospital.

    All of the emergency response people were amazing with mum and were so professional.

    So long story short she had all of the test done and fortunately there were no serious injuries so they are keeping her for a couple of days to make sure she's okay to return home.

    The most important thing is that she's okay.

    The one thing that we made mum get when dad died was care alert smart dialer for this type of situation.

    Mum had it with her but didn't want to press the button because she didn't want to cause us any problems as we would have been at work. She thought she was able to get up on her own.

    So as the saying goes when it rains it pours that's now two major events 1 being me coming out and 2 mum's accident so god only knows what the third one will be.

    I am so exhausted right now as I didn't get to bed until 1.30am and am all alone again with no one to talk with.

    I was due back at work today but just couldn't face it just to emotionally drained to have to face work but am planning on going back tomorrow.

    So I am going to push back the discussion with my mother for awhile until she has fully recovered as I don't want to make her have to deal with my issues right now.

    Kara

    1 person found this helpful
  13. Jo8049
    Jo8049 avatar
    303 posts
    5 May 2021 in reply to Kara01

    Hi Kara , rest and recharge if and when you can . Biggest expenditure of emotional energy I have ever had . We are here if needed . Give yourself a hug ( many if required )

    Jo 🐾💃

    1 person found this helpful
  14. Kara01
    Kara01 avatar
    31 posts
    5 May 2021 in reply to Jo8049

    Hi Jo as always your reassuring words help me to keep moving forward.

    I never thought I could be this emotionally charged it seems as soon as I have rested and recharged it starts again and begins to drain everything again.

    It's the crazy little things that seem to trigger these over whelming feelings, a song on the radio, a line in a movie, a story on the news.

    Definitely in need of some hugs right just trying find someone other myself to give them to me.

    Missing physical contact right now, words and support are crucial to keep me going but just need to hold someone right now.

    When I talked with my friend yesterday I came to decision that I will be abstaining from alcohol for a while just in case, she fully supported my decision and thought for the time being it was a wise one, not that I drink everyday but as a preventative measure.

    As always Jo lovely to hear from you.

    Kara

    1 person found this helpful
  15. Jo8049
    Jo8049 avatar
    303 posts
    5 May 2021 in reply to Kara01

    Hi Kara , I think alcohol can be quite unhelpful at times like you are traversing now . To be aware of this is very good .

    Hugs , very good if you can get them . Finally I had 2 last weekend . First for a decade ( that looks sad ?) . Just the life I lead , solitary because there are few if any like minded people around here . Such is life I guess .

    Have a hug if you need one , virtual is better than no hug .

    Be you , and be safe

    Jo

    1 person found this helpful
  16. Kara01
    Kara01 avatar
    31 posts
    7 May 2021

    So tomorrow another big day going back to my GP to discuss my mhcp and setting up a visit to a psychologist.

    As you said Jo just small steps one thing at a time just let the process run it's course.

    Unfortunately mum won't be home for mothers day still stuck in hospital and then off to Griffith Rehabilitation Hospital before they will send home on her own.

    Planning of having the discussion next week with my children and then with mum when she's fully recovered.

    Going to try and discuss the timing with my wife been hard lots of talking but no real communication will be guided by her.

    Just letting do her own thing as don't want to rush her and I know that she hasn't reached out to anyone who knows but they have offered her support.

    Talk again soon

    Kara

  17. Kara01
    Kara01 avatar
    31 posts
    8 May 2021

    Well I guess I got that wrong with my doctors appointment today. I thought today we were going to do a mhcp but no I will be doing that on Tuesday night no big deal.

    Still trying to find a psychologist quite an overwhelming job feels like it might be hit or miss or might get lucky and find the right person for me first go.

    After talking with my GP decided to delay talking with the children just because I have too much going on right now same with mum it can waiting a bit longer until she's better.

    Tough day though 39th wedding anniversary not sure what to do, do I mention it or not? I took a chance and bought my wife a bunch of flowers hopefully she will accept them from me, might just end up in the bin.

    I couldn't over look 39 years of marriage without saying something as I think it would be disrespectful to our marriage and to her.

    Well I will post another update when something changes.

    Kara

  18. Jo8049
    Jo8049 avatar
    303 posts
    8 May 2021 in reply to Kara01

    Hi Kara , still here with you .

    Lol Jo

    1 person found this helpful
  19. Kara01
    Kara01 avatar
    31 posts
    10 May 2021

    A little bit of good news I have made contact with Shine SA and started to get things underway I will just have to wait now until the Gender Wellness Councilor makes contact to set up a face to face meeting.

    Still doing my mhcp tomorrow night and that will be sent off to Shine to provide additional medial information regarding my problem.

    So nice to report a little bit of good news.

    Kara

  20. Jo8049
    Jo8049 avatar
    303 posts
    11 May 2021 in reply to Kara01

    Hi Kara , still here ! Glad to see your moving forward ( albeit seemingly slow ) . Have a rest in the lull , you will need all the energy you can muster for a while ( which may be a lot longer than expected ).

    Am so glad you are now talking to folk who are immersed in matters of gender . Well done , let it all take its time ( as it will anyway ). Speak up immediately if you are not comfortable with anything , this is your journey ! Hug !

    Lol Jo

    1 person found this helpful
  21. Lillylane
    Lillylane avatar
    215 posts
    11 May 2021 in reply to Kara01

    Hi Kara

    I’m glad to hear you’ve made contact with Shine SA. I’ve not heard of them so I looked up their website. Very good to know there is that service available.

    You’ve been through so much this past week. I can understand it’s very difficult and emotionally draining.

    I’ve seen how hard it has been for my partner to ‘come out’ and tell people (especially family).

    At the same time, being able to be open about it and talk about it, means she was able to move forward with her transition.

    So you are making great progress.

    Big hugs!

    Lillylane

    1 person found this helpful
  22. Kara01
    Kara01 avatar
    31 posts
    11 May 2021 in reply to Lillylane

    Hi Lillylane always good to hear from you and thanks again for your words of support all the support that I have received here has made everything just a bit easier to manage knowing that you are all behind me.

    I met with my GP tonight and did my mhcp plan which now has been sent off to Shine SA to help support my journey.

    Now just need to chill out and wait for them to come back to me, which will take a couple of weeks and just try to get as much of my life under control as possible.

    Again thanks everyone who I have chatted with over the last few weeks.

    Kara

  23. Kara01
    Kara01 avatar
    31 posts
    12 May 2021 in reply to Lillylane

    Lillylane I have been a bit rude at times because I keep forgetting to ask how you are coping as I know how I feel dealing my anxiety and depression the transition is also very stressful for the partner I hope that you are getting all of the support that you need to cope with all of the changes that are taking place around you.

    I hope that your relationship is strong enough for the both of to remain together or at the very least become good friends and hopefully friends for life.

    Kara

    2 people found this helpful
  24. Lillylane
    Lillylane avatar
    215 posts
    13 May 2021 in reply to Kara01

    Thanks Kara. You haven’t been rude at all. I’m glad to share experiences and support with you. When my partner first opened up, I found it hard to find other couples going through a similar situation.

    Take care,
    Lillylane

    2 people found this helpful
  25. Kara01
    Kara01 avatar
    31 posts
    14 May 2021

    Hi all I guess when things aren't going well it just keeps rolling along.

    I was very busy yesterday at work and missed a call from a private number that went to voice mail.

    When I checked my voice mail it was from Shine SA to discuss my contact details but unfortunately I can't speak to anyone until next week as the intake co-ordinator only work Tues-Thurs and we need to agree on a time for the phone call, so just going to have to patient for a little bit longer before I can speak with a professional councillor.

    So all I could do was reply to the email that I received and provide some more details about my problem.

    Kara

    1 person found this helpful

Stay in touch with us

Sign up below for regular emails filled with information, advice and support for you or your loved ones.


Sign me up