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Topic: conflicted

  1. Lillylane
    Lillylane avatar
    273 posts
    3 July 2021 in reply to Kara01

    Hi Kara,

    Great to hear that telling your children went so well! I feel very relieved. What an emotional time for you.

    My partner has applied to officially change her name. She paid extra for the ‘express service’ which was meant to take a maximum of 4 weeks, but it’s been more than that now. A bit frustrating for her and she’s had to contact them to follow it up.

    I haven’t had much luck finding a support group for partners of transgender women. Would appreciate any info if you hear of anything!

    Yes I’m sorry too about the distance - please pass on to your wife that I understand her struggle. I have struggled too. I will keep looking for information on support groups and see what we can come up with.

    Lillylane xx

    1 person found this helpful
  2. Jo8049
    Jo8049 avatar
    530 posts
    4 July 2021 in reply to Lillylane

    Hi Kara and Lilylane ,

    I to am glad Kara that the roof is still up . Am with you still . Proper rest if and when possible , that goes for everyone around you to . Many conflicting feelings and ideas now for you and family . Takes time but slowly it will settle as Kara finds her freedom .

    Jo is young and there is so much more for her to learn , some days a teary and some awesome . Peer company is very helpful . Jo is alone here but we have bb and a short 500 km drive away I have a trans friend . xxx lol hugs

    Lilylane , I am in qld not sure where you are ? I have a good ally at Relationships Australia and she is a great detective for finding things like support groups . If I know which beautiful state you are in I can mention it to her ? Lol hugs xxx

    Jo

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Kara01
    Kara01 avatar
    80 posts
    4 July 2021 in reply to Jo8049

    Hi Jo great to hear from you I can't imagine what it must be like for living in isolation without any direct support. I have grown so much since reaching out within our community and found many wonderful allies who are helping with my daily struggles. I too like lillylane have been trying to find support groups for partners of transgender women.

    I have been so lucky that I have been finally able to get the hugs that I been missing as all of the women I have met have been huggers such a wonderful feeling.

    Haven't been too successful finding any in South Australia and any you do find tend to just full of hate filled and spiteful people who just want to hate on their partner, totally negative and useless.

    On a positive note I only have another 11 more sleeps before my first appoint at shine.

    I wanted to say thank you to the both of you as you have been so helpful and supportive during my early dark days after coming out.

    Kara

    2 people found this helpful
  4. Jo8049
    Jo8049 avatar
    530 posts
    6 July 2021 in reply to Kara01

    Hi Kara and Lilylane . I have a tele councilling appointment on Thursday and will go and write in diary to ask V if she knows about services for partners ( peer group is what you want I think ) .

    Am still here to for you both if I can help . Had a get together on Sunday afternoon with 2 friends and we are trying to work out a practical way of doing support ( peer and current accurate services ) in our back yard . We are very passionate and I think it will happen , as yet not know what it will look like .

    Kara I found the hardest thing I have had to deal with has been the isolation in Akubra country . I now have 1 trans friend whom I get on with well and am very comfortable around her . ( 500 km drive so not daily visits 😂) Face to face with peers is so important , probably the same for you to Lilylane .

    Lol Jo xx

    1 person found this helpful
  5. Kara01
    Kara01 avatar
    80 posts
    7 July 2021 in reply to Jo8049

    Hi Jo & Lillylane I hope all is well for both of you.

    Jo any help with the peer support groups for partners would be greatly appreciated as it appears to be a very neglected part the transition journey for partners.

    I have looked here in Adelaide and there is no support for partners unfortunately that seems to be my fault not sure why.

    It looks like my relationship with my wife is in a holding pattern for now but it seems that more than likely it will a casualty of my transition. We are still living tighter nothing has been finalised but she talking about moving out of our bedroom and into one of the spare rooms.

    I am trying not get to upset about it as I always knew it was a possibility.

    Trying to focus on as many positives as possible for now, new mantra "happiness now" trying not to get to far ahead and miss out on the incredible journey which officially begins in 8 more sleeps as my first appointment with Shine gets much closer.

    My support network is slowly get bigger as I allows a couple more people in to help replace those who seem to be struggling with my decision to transition. I do understand how they must feel as I get the feeling that Kara has killed my old self and they are struggling with that.

    Sorry to hear about the delays with the paperwork for partners name change etc typical government stuff ups hopefully all sort now.

    Looking for to hearing from both of you again soon.

    2 people found this helpful
  6. Jo8049
    Jo8049 avatar
    530 posts
    9 July 2021 in reply to Kara01

    Hello Lilleylane and Kara. I asked my friend in Brisvegas to see if there was anything for face to face for partners , there is a face book group for partners of gay folk . She also said and I think this would have to be considered for group meetings of partners and that is what do they want . ie: are they seeking healing after split . Are they like you Lilylane and are working with partner with a clear view to a future together . These would be both feasible and quite different .

    Lilylane I thought you may be in regional Qld . If in qld you could access my friend . Will leave that there for now . I hope it helped a little .

    Stay dry and warm , happiest weekend you can have for both of you xxxx

    Jo ❤

    2 people found this helpful
  7. Kara01
    Kara01 avatar
    80 posts
    10 July 2021 in reply to Jo8049

    Hi Jo nice hear from you, thank your friend for looking into this for both of us. Is there a specific name of the Facebook group so I can have a look at it as I am being pressured about trying to find some help for my wife.

    I hope that I was reading your post correctly and need to be sure about it before I pass anything on.

    5 sleep now until my first visit to Shine very nervous, anxious, but very excited.

    Will keep you both updated as to how it all goes later next week.

    Kara

    2 people found this helpful
  8. Jo8049
    Jo8049 avatar
    530 posts
    11 July 2021 in reply to Kara01

    0538 , Stupid"o"clock as usual for me . Temp nust got in +'s . 0.1° !

    Hi Kara , no is short answer for question . She couldn't remember the groups name . When you have a minute some searches might pull it up ? Worth remembering though it most likely is not appropriate for her situation ( but perhaps it would be ??). ( worth a look though ). I'm not sure where the crossover is between gender and sexuality though and how much common ground would be in there ? That would vary enormously I think ? Have a look but be careful with that ?

    Happy warm Sunday , you are very lucky to have peers on hand . It is so very important .

    lol Jo xx hugs

    2 people found this helpful
  9. Kara01
    Kara01 avatar
    80 posts
    11 July 2021 in reply to Jo8049

    Hi Jo once again thanks for trying. I had someone suggest to talk with Shine and as I am there on Thursday I will ask if they have suggestions.

    Kara

    2 people found this helpful
  10. Lillylane
    Lillylane avatar
    273 posts
    11 July 2021 in reply to Kara01

    Hi Kara and Jo,

    Always lovely to read your posts and I feel very positive and welcome in your company. Sorry it’s taken me a while to reply.

    So close to your first Shine appointment Kara! I’m excited for you and look forward to hearing how it goes.

    My partner - will call her ‘P’ for now - still has heard nothing about her name change and will have to ring them again tomorrow. Argh!

    Something wonderful happened yesterday - I bumped into a couple of friends we haven’t seen in many years. I told them P has been transitioning. Turns out that they have been supporting their transgender workmate who started transitioning last year. So they already know about what was involved! I didn’t have to explain a thing, and they immediately offered their support to both my partner and myself.

    It really made my day.

    Thank you both for looking out for info on partner support.

    Jo, yes and thank you, we’re in regional qld :) Do you know of Wendybird (community support) in Brissie? Distance must be very frustrating. It is wonderful to hear you’ve started a peer support group.

    Kara, my counsellor found a group called ‘SPOT’, (Support Partners of Transgender People). It started in qld, but they’ve had requests to join from all over the country apparently. It’s a FB page, and I’m not on FB sorry, so I can’t access anything more about it. Might be worth a look.

    Lots of hugs,
    Lillylane

  11. Kara01
    Kara01 avatar
    80 posts
    12 July 2021 in reply to Lillylane

    Hi Lillylane & Jo I hope that you both had great weekends.

    Sorry to her that "P" is still having problems with her her name change I have been told that I am very lucky to be born in Adelaide as it's the easiest state in Australia to do all of the name change etc.

    So glad Lillylane that you now have found some extra support this makes me very happy for you and your partner.

    It's a pity that you aren't on FACEBOOK as I have had some success in locating a support group for partners, I don't know how good it is but I have passed it onto my wife last night and she has joined up.

    I will still give you the name just in case you decide that you want to join FACEBOOK to have a look at it the name of the group is: Trans Partners, Family and Friends.

    Yes I will definitely keep both of you informed about how things go on Thursday and any new information I come up with.

    Kara

    1 person found this helpful
  12. Jo8049
    Jo8049 avatar
    530 posts
    12 July 2021 in reply to Lillylane

    Hi Kara and Lilylane ,

    Kara it would be so good to hear when you want , how your first Shine appointment is . I have been writing my journey ( think is called journalling ?). It is very helpful when you have to revisit parts of journey to tweak things a bit . xxx

    Lilylane hi , support is not running yet as we are trying to work out how we can be visible to those in need and pretty much under the radar to the rest ? A work in progress . I do hope we get it there . SPOT sounds interesting . Jo got a f/b page on weekend . It is shut down in privacy section for as much anonymity as I can . Within 2 hrs of putting intro up I had replies from 2 folk in Transcendents group in Bris . So far so good but won't hesitate to shut it down if I feel uneasy . Jo's life is so very different from before , now only totally drop the guard if in very safe friendly place . Confidence is one thing but will always need to be a balance for safety out here ( sadly , minority problem ) ( most folk don't care ). Am on Wendybirds email list but have not been working in industry I did love so have only pension now . ( have my local customer but not much work there ) Fuel for Bris is significant . xxx

    Love and peace to you both , Jo&LD xxx❤🐾💃🌈

    2 people found this helpful
  13. Kara01
    Kara01 avatar
    80 posts
    16 July 2021 in reply to Jo8049

    Good morning Jo & Lillylane I wish I had some good news to report about yesterday but unfortunately I don't.

    I attended my appointment as planned to find out that the person I was booked to see was off on sick leave and I should have been notified, which I wasn't.

    Then while I was waiting to see what was going to happen I was told that there wasn't an appointment in the system for me.

    At this point I was totally crushed inside I was melting down at a million miles an hour. I didn't get upset or angry I just had to accept the situation. They said they would sort something out and get back to me.

    When I got back to my car I just fell apart and couldn't stop crying and shaking I was having trouble breathing.

    I went back to work and tried to keep working but I was an emotional wreck. I called one of my support people and talked with here for awhile but I couldn't go back to work so I left and went to meet with her so we could talk face to face. After a couple of hours I felt much better and went home.

    Later in the day I received a phone call about a new appointment which is planned for the 3rd of August but yet to be confirmed.

    So I am now putting a new plan together to see a psychologist and a psychiatrist to get things under way.

    Thanks again both of you for your support and love but unfortunately back to square one.

    Kara

  14. Jo8049
    Jo8049 avatar
    530 posts
    16 July 2021 in reply to Kara01

    Hi Kara , I am sorry this has happened , specially at this time . You are quite a way past square 1 so don't second guess anything you were feeling before this devastating news yesterday .

    I feel that you sometimes have to steer , and organising a psychologist asap would not hurt ❤

    Not sure of wait time in cities ? Keep both threads going . ( Shine & whatever you can organize ) That way should expedite the process . What does shine offer ? Do they organise or have gender clinic/doctors ?

    We are here , and you have face to face which I understand is so very important as I don't have that here . Have to travel 500 km to see my nearest trans friend that I know .

    Difficult as it seems Kara , relax and get as much rest as you can xxxx

    Lol from the never never , Jo

  15. Kara01
    Kara01 avatar
    80 posts
    16 July 2021 in reply to Jo8049

    Hi Jo & Lillylane, yes it was a very disappointing day I certainly had a much more positive attitude at the beginning of the day in comparison to how I felt at the end of the day.

    It feels like I am being tested as to how much am I prepared to take to achieve my transition goals.

    If this is the best that the world can through at me, I am going beet the failures of the system and come out an incredible transgender woman.

    My new plan includes a whole range of phycologists etc and am seeing my GP tomorrow to get all of the referrals I need to enable me to move forward.

    Definitely going to keep all avenues open with Shine and my new options that my support group has put me onto.

    I hope things keep moving forward for both of you.

    Kara

    2 people found this helpful
  16. Lillylane
    Lillylane avatar
    273 posts
    17 July 2021 in reply to Kara01

    Hi Kara and Jo,

    Kara, I’m sorry to hear of your appointment not happening on Thursday. It would’ve been so disappointing. I hope they can arrange something quickly for you.

    I’m hoping your GP is supportive and can help with referrals in the meantime.

    My P came out to her work bosses in the last week. It’s gone very well so far - they are so supportive. A huge relief.

    Lots of hugs,
    lillylane

    2 people found this helpful
  17. Jo8049
    Jo8049 avatar
    530 posts
    18 July 2021 in reply to Lillylane

    Hi Kara & Lilylane ,

    Kara I felt your disappointment but was stuck for words . Sometimes there are no words . Only f to f hugs ! We are always with you ❤xxxxx v' hugs

    Am over the moon Lilylane for you & P . That is a yoke gone xxxx ❤ hugs

    Love to you both , Jo&LD xxxxx

    1 person found this helpful
  18. Kara01
    Kara01 avatar
    80 posts
    18 July 2021 in reply to Lillylane

    Hi lillylane so happy for you and "P" this be a great relief for both of you.

    My GP has been fantastic with her support for me and has provided me with all of the referrals I need to move forward just going be how quickly I get an appointment with the psychiatrist so I can get a formal diagnosis of GD which will mean I can then contact the endocrinologist to hopefully get to start HRT.

    Finally succumbed to my sleep problem finally started taking melotin, had my first uninterrupted nights sleep in months.

    Kara

  19. Kara01
    Kara01 avatar
    80 posts
    18 July 2021 in reply to Jo8049

    Hi Jo, this will not deter me one little bit I am a very strong and proud transgender woman who will keep getting back every time I get knocked down and will come back stronger every time.

    Definitely disappointed but never beaten got over it as soon as we put a new plan together which I will act upon tomorrow morning by trying to book an appointment with the psychiatrist. No Idea what the wait time will be but I need this before I can book with my endocrinologist.

    Tough week coming up as I telling my mother next Sunday as our relationship has gotten very bad because I haven't been able to tell her anything and she keeps criticizing everything I do and we are constantly arguing with me about everything I am doing or not doing. It been bad between us for a while I need to inform her so she can hopefully understand what I have been living with most of my life.

    Low expectations on how she will react but you never know, not hopeful as can't even accept one her nieces who changed her name.

    I will keep in touch as thing develop over next week, one big piece of news I expecting when I do my weekly weigh in that I will be under 100kgs.

    Kara

    1 person found this helpful
  20. Kara01
    Kara01 avatar
    80 posts
    20 July 2021

    Dam 7 day snap lockdown in SA. House bound.

    Hopefully not longer as phycologist appointment in 10 days.

    Kara

  21. Jo8049
    Jo8049 avatar
    530 posts
    20 July 2021 in reply to Kara01

    Hi Kara , I had phone ones last year from early in year till August one . Had not met T ( superpsych ) till August .

    Jo ❤

    1 person found this helpful
  22. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    5174 posts
    20 July 2021 in reply to Kara01
    Hi Kara,

    Sorry to hear that you’re in lockdown. We are so happy to hear of your progress, and we always really appreciate you taking the time to share and update everyone on this lovely thread.
    Hopefully your appointment is unaffected by lockdown, but as Jo8049 mentioned, we’d recommend giving them a call if you’re worried. They may well be able to go ahead with the appointment whether online, or due to medical treatment being available despite the lockdown. We’re not sure of the exact local circumstances, but the clinic should able to advise you. If you’re ever struggling, you can call us on 1300 22 4636, or you could visit the Coronavirus Mental Wellbeing Support Service at https://coronavirus.beyondblue.org.au/
    It’s wonderful to hear from you, and how you’re responding to challenges. We hope the conversation with your mother goes well, and we really second the kind words and advice from your lovely community peers here. If you’re comfortable to keep us updated, we love to hear from you.

    Kind regards,
    Sophie M
    2 people found this helpful
  23. Kara01
    Kara01 avatar
    80 posts
    21 July 2021 in reply to Jo8049

    Hi Jo, I hope you are well i got a phone call from my work last night telling me to go into work as they had reviewed the rules about attending work and they have said I qualify so until further notice I am back at work.

    As I am not sure what will happen next week as the lockdown is supposed to finish on Tuesday night and my appointment with the phycologist is planned for Friday next week I might be able to still attend my appointment on medical grounds.

    Because of the lockdown I have had to delay speaking with my mother until the lockdown is over.

    Take care and will keep updating as things start to happen fingers crossed next week.

    Love & hugs

    Kara

    1 person found this helpful
  24. Lillylane
    Lillylane avatar
    273 posts
    21 July 2021 in reply to Kara01

    Fingers crossed for you Kara.

    Thinking of you and look forward to your next update.

    2 people found this helpful
  25. Jo8049
    Jo8049 avatar
    530 posts
    23 July 2021 in reply to Kara01

    Hi Kara , am still here . Like LL I do hope you get traction with psychologist , be it telephone or f 2 f . Am a bit surprised how long this has taken ? Hugs and pumpkin and chilli soup xxxx

    Keep us posted wont you !

    Jo&LD

    2 people found this helpful
  26. Kara01
    Kara01 avatar
    80 posts
    23 July 2021 in reply to Jo8049

    Hi Jo & Lillylane it's been terribly painful and disappointing with all of the delays and failures of our broken mental health system.

    As we are currently in lockdown I ma think for the time being my appointments will telehealth no F2F but not worried as long as they happen.

    We were told it would be a 7 day lockdown but my opinion is that it's going to more likely to be 14-21 days.

    Because of the lockdown I have had to delay my talk with my mother which is giving me more time to prepare.

    Fortunately I am still working for now so all good.

    I have a lot coming up Friday week psychologist appointment 5.00pm, Wednesday 9.00am the following week gender wellness appointment, late August 1st doctors appointment at Shine early September 2nd doctors appointment, October psychiatrist appointment To get formal diagnosis of GD currently on referral waiting list for a one off appointment.

    Will keep both of you updated as I have my appointments.

    Hugs & kisses

    Kara

    2 people found this helpful
  27. Kara01
    Kara01 avatar
    80 posts
    26 July 2021

    Hi Jo and Lillylane hope you are both well. The good news that we are coming out of lockdown as midnight tomorrow night.

    This also means that me coming out to my mother is going to happen next Sunday morning I am dreading this conversation I think that I will be totally rejected, but I surprised if this happens as I discussed this with the community and it's highly likely that this will be the outcome.

    Busy next 10 days lots to look forward and somethings not.

    Will update if anything changes take care and will talk soon.

    Kara

  28. Jo8049
    Jo8049 avatar
    530 posts
    27 July 2021 in reply to Kara01

    Hi Kara , good news about lockdown . That means face to face back on the table .

    Prepare for the worst and hope for the best on Sunday . I do hope your pleasantly surprised ❤

    Lol Jo & LD ( hi Lilylane ❤ )

    1 person found this helpful
  29. Kara01
    Kara01 avatar
    80 posts
    27 July 2021

    Hi Jo & Lillylane hope you are both well.

    I feel that Sunday is going to be a train wreck as both of sisters have condemned me for wanting to come out to our mother. She is being treated for a mild case of depression and they want me to wait until she better able to cope but our relationship is getting so bad I don't even want to talk with her because she triggers me and don't want to say anything in anger that I will regret.

    I don't know when a better time will be weeks, months or years I could be on HRT before I came out to her and that would be to confronting for her.

    Will keep in contact.

    Kara

    2 people found this helpful
  30. Jo8049
    Jo8049 avatar
    530 posts
    29 July 2021 in reply to Kara01

    Hi Kara & Lilylane .

    Still here , hang in there momentum is not to far off now . Enjoy the company of peers . Invaluable . lol and hugs xxx

    Jo&LD

    2 people found this helpful

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