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Forums / Sexuality and gender identity / Confused about my sexuality - polyamorous?

Topic: Confused about my sexuality - polyamorous?

5 posts, 0 answered
  1. MissBenthos
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    MissBenthos avatar
    163 posts
    23 September 2018

    I have been with my partner for over 10 years now in a monogamous relationship. My high school sweetheart and my very first relationship. During the first few years of our relationship I fell in love with someone else. I never acted on those feelings or told anyone, I was in denial about even having them. I loved my partner and didn’t want to leave him to pursue a new relationship. I dealt with the heartbreak of a love not explored on my own.


    Skip to the more recent past. I developed feelings for a friend this year. Being a lot more open this time around I discovered the feelings were mutual and was able to talk about it with my psychologist. She was the first person to bring to light that these feelings weren’t right or wrong which was an incredible relief and breakthrough moment in my therapy. Having grown up in a very conservative family I felt that I must be a pretty horrible person for thinking about anyone other than my partner in this way.


    I came out to my partner about being polyamorous and I pursued the new relationship. I haven’t felt so happy in years. It was beautiful, I was so sure of myself that I was polyamorous. Unfortunately the new relationship was a pretty unhealthy one and I had to end it. Once again I am heartbroken. Although this time I’m not doing it alone.


    I am still together with my long term partner. The loss of the new partner is still pretty fresh, it’s been 3 weeks now since I ended it. I have been questioning myself more and more though. I keep seeing negative things about polyamory, like how it means you just haven’t found the right person yet and people who practice it don’t know real love. It makes me question if my long term partner is not the right person for me or is this my broken heart clouding my judgement? I was more content than ever when I had both of them and now I’m unsure about either of them? I don’t understand.

    Any poly people around to share their experiences and help me make sense of this?

  2. marcus_c
    marcus_c avatar
    92 posts
    24 September 2018 in reply to MissBenthos
    Hi MissBenthos, I think that everything we see in popular culture - romantic movies etc - sets us up to think that love in relationships is supposed to be at 100% intenstiy all the time or its not working. It doesn't work like that, though. Tied up in all those pop culture myths is the idea that when you enter a relationship with someone, somehow all your desire hormones just switch off like a light and you never find anyone else attractive ever again. It doesn't work like that either! The fact that the relationship with your long term partner has survived the transition to polyamory and he is supporting you through this recent break-up should give you some clues about the strength of that relationship. Forget what other people say, what does he mean to you?
    2 people found this helpful
  3. MissBenthos
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    MissBenthos avatar
    163 posts
    24 September 2018 in reply to marcus_c
    Thank you Marcus for offering another perspective.
  4. Yana8216
    Yana8216 avatar
    58 posts
    24 September 2018 in reply to MissBenthos
    Hey Miss Benthos! It's nice to have a couple of romantic partners when you gotta lotta love to give (I feel you) and I salute you for being honest with your current partner about it. Good response Marcus c. Just wanted to add that a relationship can be beautiful no matter how long or short it is - a night, a few weeks, or a lifetime. Love doesn't need to be forever to be enjoyed :-)
    2 people found this helpful
  5. MissBenthos
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    MissBenthos avatar
    163 posts
    24 September 2018 in reply to Yana8216
    Thank you Yana :)

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