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Forums / Sexuality and gender identity / Confused and anxious about my gender identity

Topic: Confused and anxious about my gender identity

13 posts, 0 answered
  1. SoupForTheSoul
    SoupForTheSoul avatar
    9 posts
    20 December 2017
    So I'm turning 20 in a month and I'm not really sure of my gender identity. I am struggling with depression and anxiety as well. I am currently living as a male, but I sometime wish I was born female. I don't experience any gender dysphoria, sometimes I just feel like I'd be happier as a woman. I've been struggling with this for nearly five years and have recently told my family about it. They're trying to help me through this but they are just as lost as I am. Sometimes I feel confident that i want to transition fully to female, but other times i feel confident that i want to stay male. I regularly feel worried that if i do transition, then i will regret it later in life. I'm scared I'll find out it's just a phase or something. I have been trying to think of myself as a woman or even use gender neutral pronouns when i think about this stuff, but i frequently find myself referring to myself as male. On the one hand, I've referred to myself as a male for almost 20 years and that can be a hard habit to break. But on the other hand, shouldn't it be easier to think of myself as a she if i'm really transgender? Sometimes i feel like i treat my dreams wrong. Sometimes i'll act as if they're what i'm really feeling, because a dream is what my subconscious is showing me. But I also think that they're just dreams and nothing more. Sometimes in my dreams i'm a female version of myself. I like these dreams because i feel so happy, and when i wake up there's an emptiness in my heart. Other times it's the same but i appear how i am now. Should i be putting any stock into dreams? or should i treat them as meaningless fantasies. I'm not unhappy living as a male but i feel like i would be happier as a woman. Another worry is that if i do transition, what if no one loves me? What if i never find a partner because any woman I fall for can only see me as a man? I know i shouldn't base my future on this but it's scary to think that i might be alone for the rest of my life. I find that online, people tend to mistake me for a woman based on how i interact with other players and i find that i like it when they do. But i also feel like i'm putting on a mask when i talk to people online, and that they aren't seeing the real me. But i also worry that my online persona is how i really am and my anxiety holds be back as a person in real life. Sorry for the wall of text, but i just don't really know what to do. Thank you for reading this. It helps to get this off my chest.
    2 people found this helpful
  2. BballJ
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    BballJ avatar
    2032 posts
    20 December 2017 in reply to SoupForTheSoul

    Hi SoupForTheSoul,

    What an interesting story you have to share, I can see how this would cause so much confusion for you and obviously any decisions you make are ones that have to be thought through 100%, I don't think anyone on here can tell you what you should do nor do I think anyone would. I feel you wanted to write this to get it off your chest as you said, do you feel somewhat better typing it out?

    Have you ever spoken to a GP or a psychologist about how you are feeling, especially since you have depression and anxiety? I am sure there would be psychologist who would of dealt with this in the past. I am sorry I am not much help on this, I just wanted to reply to offer my support.

    Please, post back as much as you like, I am always happy to talk.

    My best for you,

    Jay

    1 person found this helpful
  3. SoupForTheSoul
    SoupForTheSoul avatar
    9 posts
    20 December 2017 in reply to BballJ

    Hi Jay,

    I do feel better just saying all of this. I have spoken to my GP and my psychologist about this and they are both trying to support me, but I live in a rural area and neither of them are particularly knowing when it comes to gender stuff. Sometimes i feel like i know more about it than my psych does. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. My psych actually gave me the link to these forums so i could talk to people who have experience with these kinds of issues. I guess i did feel the need to just say all of this because while my family is supportive, some of my siblings and my dad tend to put their foot in their mouth pretty badly. It makes for some awkward conversations. I also haven't gotten to talk to my psych recently because she's on leave right now and will be for at least five more months. Thank you for listening and for offering your support because it does help knowing that people want to help.

    Thanks for the support,

    Soup

  4. Sad_Mushroom
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Sad_Mushroom avatar
    239 posts
    21 December 2017 in reply to SoupForTheSoul

    Hi Soup,

    I'm not going to be much help as I don't really have advice but wanted to check in here.

    I'm an older female and I've been married twice and have 5 kids...so not really a gender issue.

    I've never been happy with myself but instead of wanting to lose weight and wear pretty dresses all I wanted to do was lift weights and bulk up. I hate working inside (vacuuming, washing etc) and love being out the yard with the mower and power tools. Most of my jobs have been in construction and the harder/heavier the better.

    I am female but I feel more "me" when I'm looking and working as a male. I can wear a dress but always feel like I'm missing something or have "bits" showing yet when I'm in jeans and steel caps I feel comfortable.

    I know this doesn't help you much. Just wanted to say 'wait'. You have plenty of time. Sometimes a "middle" can be found. I am happy being a female as long as I can still work out and load trucks and outdo most of the men.

    I guess you might understand what I'm saying, even though others might not. Hope I'm not just confusing you more...

    SM

    2 people found this helpful
  5. SoupForTheSoul
    SoupForTheSoul avatar
    9 posts
    21 December 2017 in reply to Sad_Mushroom

    Hi Sad Mushroom,

    Thanks for the kind words, it helps to know that even if i don't have it figured out now i can still be happy and just figure it out later in life. I hadn't really thought about that to be honest. I kind of felt like there was some kind of deadline i had to meet. Like i needed to figure it out now or i never would.

    Thanks for the extra perspective on this issue,

    Soup

    1 person found this helpful
  6. BballJ
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    BballJ avatar
    2032 posts
    21 December 2017 in reply to SoupForTheSoul

    Hi SoupForTheSoul,

    I have asked the other champions to see if they can help you with your questions, maybe someone who has more experience on the issue at hand.

    My best,

    Jay


  7. SoupForTheSoul
    SoupForTheSoul avatar
    9 posts
    22 December 2017

    Hi Jay,

    Thank you for asking around for me.

    Soup

  8. Spl spl
    Spl spl avatar
    53 posts
    9 January 2018

    Hi Soup, talk about a relatable topic. Everything you mentioned eerily related to what I'm feeling right now, albeit I'm not questioning male->female but the other way around. I know you are still thinking about it but have you considered nonbinary? It's an umbrella term for gender identities that aren't strictly male/female. You mention questioning if you are trans a lot but considering that gender dysphoria is a pretty central aspect of wanting to transition in the first place nonbinary may be more accurate ? It's up to you though. I suggest looking up agender, bigender and gender fluid. These terms sound more similar to what you are experiencing especially since gender dysphoria is not a 'necessary' aspect of identifying as nonbinary.

    I know these feelings are really confusing but you don't /need/ to transition all the way to female just because you feel like this, you know. Some people have gone halfway with hormone treatment, or use a temporary daily routine that coincides with what gender they are... there's all kinds of stuff out there. Of course it's all up to you, I can only offer what information I know so please take this with a grain of salt and try following what you feel is best for you.

    Best of luck and I hope you find your answer soon.

    1 person found this helpful
  9. Sad_Mushroom
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Sad_Mushroom avatar
    239 posts
    11 January 2018 in reply to Spl spl

    Hi spl and Soup,

    Spl you use big words I have nonidea about but you mention a halfway. I think that is me. I was married have 5 kids and now have 7 grandkids,,,,I am female but I feel more comfortable in my life as a male.

    I do NOT want to be a male, I just feel more comfortable working out, building muscles and dressing in shorts, singlets and steel caps.

    Thanks spl, you have given me some ideas

    SM

  10. SoupForTheSoul
    SoupForTheSoul avatar
    9 posts
    20 January 2018

    Hi Spl,

    I have considered non-binary and it just doesn't feel right for me. I can see that it works for people but I don't think those terms are for me. Thank you anyway though. I appreciate the thought.

    Soup

  11. Hesse
    Hesse avatar
    3 posts
    30 March 2018 in reply to SoupForTheSoul

    Sorry if this bothers you since I don't have any advice to give... I just want to say thank you for posting this. I have been feeling the exact same way and it's comforting to know that someone else is going through the same thing and may have helped me to understand myself a little better. So thank you~

    2 people found this helpful
  12. SoupForTheSoul
    SoupForTheSoul avatar
    9 posts
    14 May 2018 in reply to Hesse

    Hi Hesse,

    Honestly the fact that other people feel the same way is helpful to me too. Sorry I didn't get back to you earlier about this, I forgot what email i used to log in and when i tried using my username it wouldn't work for some reason.

    So about a week ago i was in the shower and while i was washing my hair and just staring at a wall i started thinking about this stuff, and about coming out as transgender. I have anxiety so my thoughts on how other people view me generally aren't great. Needless to say this time wasn't any better. But i did realise that in all of these fantasies i was having about coming out and being transgender, i was always happy in them and i was always stronger in them. Like emotionally i mean. I ended up just lying on the floor in my room for like 20 minutes thinking about this stuff and as i thought more about it i became more certain that this is what i want. My anxiety was holding me back. I talked to my mum and my sister about it, and i came to the conclusion that i am transgender. One of my worries was that my experience wasn't the 'stereotypical' transgender experience. I didn't have gender dysphoria, i didn't know from a young age that i was a different gender. I was worried that because i didn't have these experiences, i wasn't really transgender. What i realised is that it doesn't matter what other people think, and it doesn't matter if my experiences arent the stock standard experiences everyone thinks of when they hear 'trans'. I realised that the fact that i've spent a quarter of my life trying to figure this out and the only argument i had for not being transgender was "but what if?" just proves that this isn't all a phase. This is how i really feel and all that matters is how I feel about this because I'm the only one it affects, and if people i know and love can't accept me like this then do i really want to know them

    So I've come out as transgender publicly. Everyone i know was super supportive. I feel really happy about this and i'm super happy that i had that moment of certainty where my anxiety wasnt holding me back. So Thank You everyone for your help and kind words while i was going through this. You all helped me see things from new perspectives and helped me realise i wasn't alone in how i felt. I can finally have some certainty about my gender and i'm taking steps to show how i feel about my identity. Thank you all for your support and i hope that anyone who reads this thread can find support here. <3

    3 people found this helpful
  13. jay1998b
    jay1998b avatar
    8 posts
    4 June 2018 in reply to SoupForTheSoul

    Hey Soup!

    I'm so happy you're starting to figure it out! Your story sounds a lot like mine - I think we had exactly the same thought processes. I hope you're having a good time, wherever you are. :)

    Jay

    1 person found this helpful

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