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Topic: Demisexual?

4 posts, 0 answered
  1. helpmeplease01
    helpmeplease01 avatar
    3 posts
    2 December 2018

    Ok so recently I've been questioning my sexuality. I've done a bit of research online and I've been looking at all these terms under asexuality. One term I feel that may relate to me is the heteroromantic demisexual. I'm a girl and I know I am romantically interested in guys.

    Im 19 and I recently dated this guy Sean. I found him physically attractive at first and we dated for a few months. I liked that we were going quite slow, it gave me the chance to get to know him a bit better. There was an emotional and romantic connection and only after that, I started feeling sexually attracted to him. Although I felt some sexual attraction, I still didn't feel like I wanted to have sexual contact with him. Has this got something to do with my sexuality maybe? Am I just not ready for a sexual relationship? ( even if I am 19 years old). I would have assumed by 19, I would be mature enough for this.

    Although, we never actually got close to having sex over the 3 months that we dated, at the time though, I was worried what would happen if we were going to have sexual contact. Like, would I enjoy it because I had an emotional connection with this guy? Either that or as soon as I saw his body, I would feel repulsed (like I did with my last boyfriend). Sean and I didn't end up working out though so I never found out.

    I've noticed that my friends are quite sexually active. They very often joke about sex/ porn and talk about their own sexual experiences, in which this makes me feel rather uncomfortable. I cant see myself having a one night stand or even the thought of seeing male strippers makes me feel uncomfortable. Maybe I'm demisexual and need to feel an emotional connection to feel sexual attraction? Or maybe I might never find the naked male body attractive ever no matter what the emotional/ romantic connection is like?

    I also read somewhere that demisexuals don't usually experience physical attraction towards others ( or at least not at first until they get to know someone). But that didn't sound like me. I can still find guys cute or attractive or hot once I look at them, but they also have a good emotional connection with myself for me to pursue things any further.

    So any thoughts guys? Would you guys say that I'm demisexual?

  2. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    10207 posts
    2 December 2018 in reply to helpmeplease01

    Dear Helpmeplease01~

    Welcome here to the Forum where hopefully you may get an account of life that is not all movies and adverts.

    Having sexual relations is for a great many people, myself included, a pretty heavy thing. It is a risk, an investment of one's emotions, opens up vulnerabilities and can be a real worry - what if I get it wrong or am not sexy or I'm only wanted for sex or ... you get the idea.

    True some of your friends might be different, then again they may be responding to the dream world purveyed in popular media.

    Your post is full of "what if's". You are, if you don't mind me saying so, borrowing trouble before it happens. You may have a couple of false starts, then again you might find someone who clicks quite soon.

    The bottom line is you are someone to be valued for yourself, and while sex is part of that there is an awful lot more. Strength, wisdom, trustworthiness, fun, plus lots of other things.


    1 person found this helpful
  3. marcus_c
    marcus_c avatar
    92 posts
    3 December 2018

    Hi helpmeplease01, it can be really confusing and alienating when your experiences don’t match up with the people around you. It can lead you to question whether there’s something ‘wrong’ with you and lead you to go searching for answers.

    Personally, I don’t think labels are always helpful. They’re designed to be ‘shortcuts’ to understanding, so you don’t need to go into a big long explanation about what something is. While this works great for jars of jam or flavours of soft drink, people are much more complicated.

    None of what you describe about your sexual feelings sounds unusual or requires a label, in my opinion. For some people, sexual attraction and thoughts about sex are not really a big part of their daily thinking. Lots of people find porn and overt sexuality displays really uncomfortable. We’re all different.

    This only becomes an issue if it is stopping you from having the kinds of relationships that you want. Do you think this is happening with you?

    1 person found this helpful
  4. MissBenthos
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    MissBenthos avatar
    163 posts
    13 December 2018 in reply to helpmeplease01

    We live in a culture of strange expectations and contradicting ideals. If a woman wants sex she gets s*** shamed but if she doesn’t she is shamed for being too frigid. What does is matter to these people anyway? Why do we need to prove anything? It’s almost as though the people around us bragging about their sex lives have their own insecurities so they feel the urge to prove that they’re “normal” by imitating their peers. Are these people around you even being genuine about their desires or are they just trying to fit in?

    Our society is also very sex negative. It’s hidden away as though it’s some terrible deed that we should all be ashamed of participating in. Sex jokes are popular because sex is considered so outrageous, talking about it seriously is difficult for a lot of people so we make fun of it instead. There are also assumptions around how sex should just come naturally, we worry about our performance and enjoyment in bed - if we’re no good at it no one will want us and that is rubbish. Sex is like anything else, the more experience you have the more you know what is satisfying for you and how to satisfy others. And if sex is not something you want at any time, no one should be made to feel ashamed about it or forced into something they don’t feel the urge for just because other people enjoy it. We all have different desires and needs, unfortunately a lot of our sex education comes from porn which is made for arousal and is a highly unrealistic representation of what most people experience.

    It’s also possible in your situation of sex being new that nerves kick in when you think about it and that can be a mood killer for sure. Follow your instincts though and don’t be forced into anything you don’t want.

    1 person found this helpful

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