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Forums / Sexuality and gender identity / Do I confess to my married friend that I love him?

Topic: Do I confess to my married friend that I love him?

15 posts, 0 answered
  1. How.To.Live.This.Life
    How.To.Live.This.Life avatar
    7 posts
    17 November 2021

    Met this person a couple of months ago and got to spend time with him semi-regularly doing what we're both passionate about. He's brilliant in what he does and one of the nicest people I've ever met. Our newly built friendship was going really well, we share stories and would confide to each other about anything, just like what good mates would do. I thought things would stay that way and i really hoped it did, until I developed romantic feelings for him. And now he's become the source of my anxiety and depression. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him and the next time i'd get to spend time with him, it's driving me mad to the point that i already miss out on work, for a couple of days now.

    He doesn't know this, I act normal when I'm around him. The psychologist I talked to brought up the idea of confessing to him to relieve myself of the suppressed feelings that's eating me up inside but my gutfeel tells otherwise. For one, I don't know if I'm ready to lose him if he takes it negatively and feels betrayed by me. And secondly, I think it would be very unfair to him to process what i want to tell him. Lastly, he's married and i can't sense even the slightest gayness in him. At this stage, I'm more convinced that I'm not gonna tell him.

    I could really use some sound advice from anyone on how I can better go through this phase of my life or if there's any good that would come out in telling him should my decision change later on.

    And to you my friend, I probably won't have the chance to tell you this in person. But if you happen to drop by here and get the slightest clue that this is about you, please do know that I've always respected my boundaries when I'm with you. I've never done anything to break your trust nor take advantage of your kindness. I know being good mates is all we'll ever be and I would do my damn best to keep things that way, regardless of the pain and mental struggle it's causing me at the moment. I would do my best to get over my feelings for you my friend, it won't be easy and things would get worse for me before it gets better but i will work on it. I hope we can as stay good mates regardless.

  2. missep123
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    17 November 2021 in reply to How.To.Live.This.Life

    Hi How.To.Live.This.Life,

    Matters of the heart can be incredibly stressful, I can't imagine what you are going through.

    It sounds like you have built a very strong, supportive friendship with this person and the romantic feelings you have developed have caused a lot of inner turmoil. Although I can't relate exactly, in my personal experience with unrequited love/strong feelings for someone, it can be incredibly challenging as you consider the 'what ifs'.

    Firstly, I think it's absolutely great that you have been speaking to your psychologist about this - a great neutral party to help you cope with what you have been going through.

    In my own experience I found it really helpful to write out different scenarios and the outcomes for example:

    1) You confess your feelings, however you lose the friendship

    2) You confess your feelings, the man's partner finds out and it causes conflict

    3) You do not confess your feelings, learn the new 'normal' of your friendship

    I know this must be an incredibly difficult situation for you, at the end of the day your mental health and wellbeing is the most important.

    I hope that we can support you through this journey so please feel free to reach out!

    2 people found this helpful
  3. Hanna3
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    3363 posts
    17 November 2021 in reply to How.To.Live.This.Life

    Hi How. To. Live. This. Life

    You're standing on a bit of a minefield with this one!

    If you declare your feelings for this man, and he hasn't indicated that he has these feelings for you, be prepared to lose the friendship. It could become very awkward between you both.

    He could tell his wife.

    Can you be content to decide you're OK with the friendship as it stands? If it's really valuable you may need to think hard about whether you are prepared to risk losing it.

    If you find you're unable to continue with these feelings, you could decide to withdraw from the friendship altogether as the safest option for all concerned.

    You can declare your feelings and accept whatever the consequences are.

    What do you think? Good luck, it's difficult when strong emotions are involved!

  4. How.To.Live.This.Life
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    7 posts
    17 November 2021 in reply to Hanna3

    hi Hanna3,

    Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts.

    I couldn't agree more with what you said. At this point, i want to preserve the friendship that we have. That's how it's supposed to be and that's what I really intended to happen at the very beginning. He is a really nice person and i'd settle for having him as a friend than losing him.

    I just hope i could get over these feelings asap as it is very paralysing and really unhealthy for me.

  5. How.To.Live.This.Life
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    7 posts
    17 November 2021 in reply to missep123

    Hi missep123,

    Thanks for the support. You've perfectly captured all the scenarios possible. The third one is what i'm keen on going for. He is a good friend and i wanna be the same to him, without any romantic feelings involved. I just hope I could get over these feelings real soon. I'm gonna have to live with the pain and the turmoil while I'm not able to accomplish that, unfortunately.

    1 person found this helpful
  6. Hanna3
    Hanna3 avatar
    3363 posts
    17 November 2021 in reply to How.To.Live.This.Life

    Hi again How. To. Live. This. Life

    I think that's a wise decision. I think we forget that friendships can be more important than romantic attachments at times, and longer lasting.

    A good friendship like yours is a wonderful and precious thing to have!

    I think you will find you will be able to manage your feelings once you have accepted that the friendship is worth preserving.

    It's great you've been able to express your feelings and emotions here. I hope it's been helpful. Don't hesitate to come back if you have any further questions or concerns.

    Good luck with your lovely friendship!

  7. Learn to Fly
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    240 posts
    17 November 2021 in reply to How.To.Live.This.Life

    Hi How.To.Live.This.Life,

    You are a great guy and a very wise person to come up with this decision. Great friendships don’t happen easily. Some people might go through most of their lives and have problems with finding a true friend.

    I really feel for you hearing about your romantic feelings for him. How to get rid of them? I think many have tried and there are no straight answers or “fixes”. These are our hearts we are talking about and no “brainy” talk is gonna “convince” them otherwise.

    Usually time helps or meeting another great human being and falling in love with someone else.

    How would you feel about going out and meeting new guys? Not necessarily to try to “fall out of love” or find a partner but simply to do something different for a change and to spend some nice time with others.

  8. missep123
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    21 November 2021 in reply to How.To.Live.This.Life

    Hi How.To.Live.This.Life,

    I completely can hear that this is painful and your feelings are completely valid.

    I know some days have passed since your post, how have you been feeling recently about it all?

    We are definitely here for you throughout your journey, I really you can feel comforted here!

  9. geoff
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    geoff avatar
    15556 posts
    22 November 2021 in reply to How.To.Live.This.Life

    Hello How.To.Live.This.Life, I understand the position you're in and you don't know whether he has the same feelings for you as well, but struggling on how to tell his spouse, at the moment this is not something you know about.

    You know that he and yourself get on well together, something like what good mates feel about each other, that certainly doesn't mean you want to have a personal relationship with them, it just means that the two of you like doing things together and are always company.

    This person is married and the only way for the two of you to be together may have to be shown by him and this could happen by him touching you more than usual or being close with you.

    If you are able to meet his spouse, then you would have a better understanding of their relationship, whether it's close or distant, if it's the latter then you could approach him, but if they show love to each other, then keep him as a close friend.

    You know how you feel, that's why you need prompts from him to see if he may want this to happen.

    Geoff.

    2 people found this helpful
  10. Sleepy21
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    22 November 2021 in reply to geoff

    Hi there,

    I personally think it's okay to tell him, if u accept u cannot be together, and just want to unburden.

    It sounds like Ur a mature person, and can take the scenario.

    If u meet his partner and accept the relationship he has with her, I think u can show that you are not trying to split them up or cause trouble but just trying to follow Ur therapist counsel for Ur own mh.

    U sound like u have a crush on Ur friend, and one where a lot of the crush is also respect, care, and admiration for them as a person, not judt a sexual thing. So in that way, Ur crush is understandable.

    I can relate as its a tiny bit different but I had a crush on someone who was a social worker who helped me for a year. Towards the end it became very friendly, joking, and swapping stories etc.

    I would never go there and never envisioned anything like that, but I did start to like and respect who he was, and just be in awe that this kind person wit great energy was in my life. I knew it couldn't be, but we feel what we feel. Hopefully undont judge me reading this, just trying to open my own wounds to normalise that crushes come when they come, and its human.

    Good luck

    1 person found this helpful
  11. How.To.Live.This.Life
    How.To.Live.This.Life avatar
    7 posts
    22 November 2021 in reply to missep123

    Hi missep123,

    Thanks for checking up on me. Unfortunately, things have not been better just like what I thought, I was not able to work last week as I was really down and out of focus. Today, i had to drag myself out of bed and try to focus at work but the fact that im writing this during working hours only means that I'm not being productive at work.

    I continue to spend time with him, the only time I get to feel sane nowadays. It's difficult as my depression kicks back in immediately the moment we go apart. I guess that's the life I need to live now, either i get used to living with the pain or get over it and the person entirely, i hope it's the latter.

  12. How.To.Live.This.Life
    How.To.Live.This.Life avatar
    7 posts
    22 November 2021 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geoff,

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

    I can say with certainty that I have romantic feelings for this person. As I've mentioned in my previous post, I don't sense any gayness in him nor feel any prompts from him which could make me think that he feels the same way towards me, i think he's just being a good mate. Meeting his wife is unnecessary at this point as I have no intention of telling him. I'm keen on staying as his good mate, nothing more beyond that. It is difficult but I need to make it work.

  13. How.To.Live.This.Life
    How.To.Live.This.Life avatar
    7 posts
    22 November 2021 in reply to Sleepy21

    Thanks Sleepy21 for sharing your thoughts.

    I can say it's not just a crush, i really like the person. My decision might still change in the future but at this point, I am more keen on keeping things to myself. It's really difficult but i think i would suffer more if I lose him should i decide to tell him.

  14. Sleepy21
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    22 November 2021 in reply to How.To.Live.This.Life

    Hi how to live...do u feel in love or really bowled over by the intensity of Ur feelings?

    He sounds like a good person, and I know these are rare...

    I Get crushes and love confused, sorry if it sounded undermining Ur intense feelings.

    I'm a woman and I get attracted to many ppl, can be hard at times.

    I hope u find a way through where u can keep Ur friendship and feel inner peace. Sure it's not easy 😕

  15. missep123
    Community Champion
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    28 November 2021 in reply to How.To.Live.This.Life

    Hi How.To.Live.This.Life,

    I am so sorry to hear that, it sounds like a broken heart. Painful and takes time to heal. I want to make sure that you feel supported and to take care of your wellbeing because it sounds like you are going through a very difficult time. How have you been going with your psychologist?

    I can understand that it is such a tough situation because this person that you have feelings for is both a form of comfort but at the same time a source of pain. That can be so confusing for us and can muddle our thoughts and emotions.

    Please continue to reach out and keep us updated because we care about you!

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