So, it's been one whole year since I've come out to my parents. Neither of them made an effort to use my pronouns or name all this time, so I've been thrown back into the hellhole that is questioning my identity.
I'm not sure exactly when or why I realised that my body didn't match my identity. I feel pressured to say that I've always been like this, but I fit into my assigned identity 'well' when I was a child. Sure, I was very, VERY adamant on being boyish, but...
I don't know anymore. All these trans people I see have a story of how long they've felt their body didn't match them, but I can't remember anything about my life and have no confirmation of this being... well, me. I want to feel like I'm me. But the constant need to validate my identity, to myself and to others, is driving me insane.
It's made worse by the fact that I barely made my friends switch to a name. The pronouns are still in the trash. Even if I wanted to try out different names, see what fits, I wouldn't be able to. I've only settled for Valery because that was the first name I thought of.
Even things like dysphoria confuse me. Is what I feel really dysphoria? I feel like vomiting when even thinking on the subject of my appearance, and regrettably snapped at people when they brought it up jokingly. Is that it? But I can shower fine. Sort of. I don't know.
tl;dr : I feel as if my story of how I realised I was trans is not good enough and that I'm not valid. I'm pre-everything.