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Forums / Sexuality and gender identity / Don't feel like a 'valid' trans person (trans masc)

Topic: Don't feel like a 'valid' trans person (trans masc)

7 posts, 0 answered
  1. Val_da_man
    Val_da_man avatar
    12 posts
    3 October 2020

    Heavy topic.

    So, it's been one whole year since I've come out to my parents. Neither of them made an effort to use my pronouns or name all this time, so I've been thrown back into the hellhole that is questioning my identity.

    I'm not sure exactly when or why I realised that my body didn't match my identity. I feel pressured to say that I've always been like this, but I fit into my assigned identity 'well' when I was a child. Sure, I was very, VERY adamant on being boyish, but...

    I don't know anymore. All these trans people I see have a story of how long they've felt their body didn't match them, but I can't remember anything about my life and have no confirmation of this being... well, me. I want to feel like I'm me. But the constant need to validate my identity, to myself and to others, is driving me insane.

    It's made worse by the fact that I barely made my friends switch to a name. The pronouns are still in the trash. Even if I wanted to try out different names, see what fits, I wouldn't be able to. I've only settled for Valery because that was the first name I thought of.

    Even things like dysphoria confuse me. Is what I feel really dysphoria? I feel like vomiting when even thinking on the subject of my appearance, and regrettably snapped at people when they brought it up jokingly. Is that it? But I can shower fine. Sort of. I don't know.

    tl;dr : I feel as if my story of how I realised I was trans is not good enough and that I'm not valid. I'm pre-everything.

    1 person found this helpful
  2. Ggrand
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Ggrand avatar
    8912 posts
    3 October 2020 in reply to Val_da_man

    Hello Dear Val da man,

    I really can’t help you with your struggling..I can feel your confusion and concern over your sexuality....

    I don’t think it matters at all if you have a story or not..being who you are now is where your story begins..

    Being true to your heart, feeling and your soul is the best way to live your life...Please listen to your heart...and if other people (friends etc) cannot accept the real you, with gentleness, love and understanding then you maybe might need to ask yourself if they are true friends...

    Valerie....meaning and strength...I can see these traits in your words...

    My kindest thoughts with my care..


    1 person found this helpful
  3. missep123
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    missep123 avatar
    771 posts
    3 October 2020 in reply to Val_da_man

    Hi Val_da_man,

    You brought up a topic that I feel like so many people can relate to. In the media, in society now, in what we read it can be so hard to have something to compare ourselves to and feel less than.

    May I ask, have you ever spoken to a psychologist about this? There are some really good ones out there that specifically focus on sexuality and identity.

    What makes you feel like you? For example how can you describe yourself or your characteristics without the pressure of 'being in a box'.

    Here for you!!

  4. Val_da_man
    Val_da_man avatar
    12 posts
    3 October 2020 in reply to missep123

    I haven't talked to a psychologist, mostly because I'm sure they'd brush the issue off. that, and I don't want to burden my family financially.

    Kind of hard to answer the second question. If I had to narrow it down, I feel most like myself when I'm just making something. Characters that I can develop and draw, mostly. It's my own little escape, and I don't have to feel boxed or constricted when acting as those characters or when I write about them.

    As for characteristics, I can't list off any. I'm bad at looking at myself, it makes me stressed. Anything I can say would feel disingenuous...

    Thank you for replying, though.

  5. Flowertop
    Flowertop avatar
    51 posts
    4 October 2020 in reply to Val_da_man

    Hi Valery

    I can hear your frustration and distress and believe it is very valid.
    I don’t think you should compare yourself totally to other trans stories because I imagine everyone is different. You need to take the bits that you can relate to and the pieces that give you comfort.
    There are so many forms of sexuality, it is unique, individual and it is said to be fluid. This makes sense, with you identifying yourself as the assigned birth gender as a child. Cultural influences and the way you were treated would also influenced this.

    I think you need to have an open discussion with your friends on how you feel about them misgendering you and insist if they value your friendship to really make an effort to use your correct pronouns so that you are not constantly traumatised. The more they use them, the easier it will be. Also discussion about trying different names is also a great idea which will help you find your fit.

    It was amazingly brave of you to come out to parents. I think that shows you respect them. They may need time or support with this and depending on your relationship with them you could remain open to them.
    I think it is really important that you engage in some support with this. Sexual Health could be a really good starting point. There are numerous support groups and online services.
    Don’t go through this alone. This country has come a long way in laws and human rights recently in relation to gender and please know you are supported.
    Take care.

  6. Guest_3370
    Guest_3370 avatar
    3 posts
    5 October 2020


    I thought, who gets to decide if you are valid? What if you find yourself amongst a million doubters? Your experience is yours. And who am I, are we, is anyone to take that from you? Your identity is so precious. It's not something to be given away. It is not something to be debated. It is not something for others to decide. Place it in your heart and defend it always.

    2 people found this helpful
  7. missep123
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    missep123 avatar
    771 posts
    10 October 2020 in reply to Val_da_man

    Hi Val_da_man

    I think that's such a cool hobby to make stuff! What kind of characters do you like to design/create/draw? Do you like cartoons, anime, manga or anything like that?

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