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Forums / Sexuality and gender identity / Each year becomes that little bit harder. Married 37yr guy

Topic: Each year becomes that little bit harder. Married 37yr guy

6 posts, 0 answered
  1. Guest_8764
    Guest_8764 avatar
    1 posts
    11 October 2019
    I've been with my wife now 20+ yes we have been through a lot together. I love her so much, she is my world, my rock. We have a miracle ivf child 1yr. I came out as bi sexual many years ago so it will be no surprise to her that I'm into guys. I have always had an attraction to guys. Early on when we started dating i think the 1st time was for about 6months, we remained friends and that was the time i started exploring being with guys. She seemed cool with it, we would go gay clubbing together we became best friends. But over the years things got a little mixed up and we started sleeping together with each other again. Then ultimately I choose to pursue a relationship with my now wife.
    But part of me deep down inside, wants to admit to myself that I am a gay man.. I have strayed in the marriage with other men. I've become depressed, started taking drugs.
    But the thought of telling my beautiful wife, that I am ending our marriage to be with a man, sadness me deeply. This might sound narcissistic of me, but she would be devastated. And I would rather leave this world than put her through all that pain and angst.
    I know I'm not the only one in the world to be going through this. But I just don't want my best friend and moat loving wife to be hurt, but I know she deserves someone that can love her how she deserves to be loved. Not someone like me that only has half his heart in it.
    4 people found this helpful
  2. smallwolf
    Community Champion
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    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    smallwolf avatar
    5603 posts
    12 October 2019 in reply to Guest_8764

    Hi and welcome to beyond blue.

    There are so many questions I would like to ask you. And while I know very little about what it is like in your situation, I can listen to you tell your story.

    There is also a man with depression, using drugs (for coping?) and if you allow me to suggest - a little confused or conflicted (?) about your relationship with your wife and being gay. And if there is nobody you feel you can talk to, all these thoughts grow inside you until they become unbearable.

    Can I ask how honest you are with each other in your relationship? You mentioned that you told her you were bisexual, which does not sound like somebody who keeps a secret. On the other side you mentioned straying, and using drugs.

    On one hand you said that you love your wife so much, that she is your world, and then say you only have half your heart in it.

    As you said... you are not the only one going through this. There are many threads on the forums here with stories similar to yours. You might want to browse through some of their tales - in google search for

    beyond blue gay husband

    for example -

    https://healthyfamilies.beyondblue.org.au/seeking-support/helping-yourself-and-others/online-forums/sexuality-and-gender-identity/advice-or-opinions-please---should-i-tell-my-wife-i%27m-exploring-bi-gay-contact-

    https://healthyfamilies.beyondblue.org.au/seeking-support/helping-yourself-and-others/online-forums/sexuality-and-gender-identity/husband-gay-but-in-denial-how-do-i-help-and-survive-this-

    With all of that said, some conversations are difficult to have. For me it was talking to my wife about suicidal thoughts, and talking to her about my safety plan. She was stronger than me in telling her. I thought she would be overly worried for me.

    Lastly, and I don't know your wife, but how will she really react if you tell her. Anger? Hurt? Perhaps she knew? Can you both work through this and move forward in some way? And if this is too difficult there is always an option of talking to someone.

    Tim

    2 people found this helpful
  3. Cat67
    Cat67 avatar
    17 posts
    12 October 2019 in reply to Guest_8764

    You poor guy....reading your story brought tears to me eyes.

    Let me tell you though Max.....no matter how much you love your wife, I can tell you now that she would rather you be honest with her than carry on with a charade of a marriage. As a woman who has been married 39 years next week, I can tell you that honesty is the best policy. You may be surprised by her reaction, she probably knows what's coming. You have to be true to yourself. As hard as it will be at first, like any marriage breakdown, for any reason, you will all get over it eventually and you can both move on to a better, happier life. I hope everything works out for you. X

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Ruby2 1
    Ruby2 1 avatar
    8 posts
    13 October 2019 in reply to Guest_8764

    Hi Max

    Welcome to the forum!

    I hope I can offer a perspective regarding where you find you are at now in your life.

    I am the spouse of a gay man!I had no Idea until he had a huge meltdown.

    Bottom line is I still love him regardless!We remain together.I think if you can get to a point were sexuality Isn't the issue,but compatabilty, friendship, you can sort it.

    All the best for youxx

    1 person found this helpful
  5. Ruby2 1
    Ruby2 1 avatar
    8 posts
    17 November 2020 in reply to Guest_8764

    Your post keeps popping up on my thread.

    How are things going for you?

    I stayed with my husband although we technically separated.

    Don t underestimate your wife.My husband recently died and on reflection it's not the physical relationship that matters but the emotional one.Do what is right for you .

    1 person found this helpful
  6. Tom R
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Tom R avatar
    12 posts
    9 December 2020

    Hi (Max?)

    Welcome. Gosh I can relate to so much of what you're saying. I don't want to hijack your thread, but my story is similar. I've been married almost 25 years. I was in reparative (conversion) therapy when we married (that's the 'pray the gay away' type stuff in the church.) and heterosexual marriage was the golden carrot or epitome of 'healing' or conversion, but at the age of 21 I could hardly know better in some ways. I can tell you, there is not a day goes by that I don't desire some element or aspect of being in a relationship with a man. On one side I feel trapped. On another side, this is what I committed to. Another still, we fit together like two pieces of a puzzle and I don't know that we could function separately. I don't know. There's some big factors at play for me. Mostly I crave the physical intimacy with another man, to be held by a man....it's not the sex so much, if that makes any sense.

    My stuff aside, I hear you, man. Truly. I hope this place is safe and beneficial for you and that you can come to embrace more of who you are and experience some resolution. Go well and gently. T.

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