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Forums / Sexuality and gender identity / First post romantically confused

Topic: First post romantically confused

13 posts, 0 answered
  1. Dangerous D
    Dangerous D  avatar
    7 posts
    21 November 2018
    Hi all just a little/ lot confused what to do, about 5 years ago we lost a child which led to depression both my wife and I (unbenone to me for 4 years) I sort help just getting back on my feet but my wife stopped early, long story short we separated we have 2 kids together but she has 2 to her first husband which one lives with me full time, but my big issue is for a long time even when married I always thought/ looked at the same sex I’ve never acted on anything but I can’t stop looking and thinking I want something to happen but I’m scared as it could affect the kids (Society stigma ect) I feel lost and scared I don’t care what people say about me I worry a lot for the kids they r my world but after seeing a therapist for depression I was told to put myself first but that was for small things these thoughts could affect too many people 😔😔😢
    1 person found this helpful
  2. blondguy
    Life Member
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    blondguy avatar
    11219 posts
    22 November 2018 in reply to Dangerous D

    Hello Dangerous D

    Welcome to the forums and good on you for having the courage to post too!

    Whether its 5 years or 5 weeks ago, my sincere condolences for the loss of your child. I really cant find the words as I have never had to experience the anguish you and your wife have gone through.

    You are not alone in any shape or form when looking or thinking about the same sex and considering about any outcomes that may eventuate. You are a very gentle and proactive person that has your children's best interests at heart yet your therapist is spot on saying to place yourself first. You have an excellent therapist DD!

    Your well being (and future) is paramount DD. You are stronger than you think. I understand that the children are your focus yet your own life and happiness is crucial here. Can I ask how often you see your counselor?

    After suffering from the stigma of chronic anxiety/depression for a long time I finally realised that it was the frequency of my visits with my therapist that provided me with a true direction in my life after depression

    I really hope you can stick around the forums DD. Any questions/ comments are more than welcome. There are many gentle people on the forums that can be here for you too :-)

    my kind thoughts

    Paul

    1 person found this helpful
  3. geoff
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    geoff avatar
    15298 posts
    22 November 2018 in reply to Dangerous D

    Hello Dangerous D, can I also welcome you to forums.

    My sincere condolences for the loss of your child, and it's completely understandable why depression began, I'm sorry.

    A relationship can change a great deal once this happens and unless the two of you can keep the communication going then the two of you are going to change, unfortunately, you both decided to separate.

    Each of you will grieve in your own way and your wife has done it her way but needing help, while leaving you to be by yourself but with the some of the kids, but by combining all of this you've started to look at the same sex.

    You maybe thinking that you need a male friend to relate this story to or it could be that sexually you have changed.

    The children I believe will accept this without any problem and possibly say that this has happened as you have lost someone dear to your heart.

    Don't be too hard on yourself and please keep in touch with us.

    Take care.

    Geoff.

  4. Definitely Otherwise
    Definitely Otherwise avatar
    87 posts
    22 November 2018 in reply to Dangerous D

    Hi DD,

    I'm so sorry for the loss of your child and marriage. I have several friends that have been in your position and the grief must be unbearable some days, life long too. Its not that uncommon that a parent is faced with that more than once in their life time. How on earth they, themselves, survive that, let alone their marriage surviving, I do not know. Life can be so cruel. You have a lot of strength.

    Grief is such an intense experience. I guess the negative sides of grief get all the publicity and attention, but the reality is, grief can inject your life with very raw, and very real honesty too. And a deliberate will to not take this life for granted.

    Coming out and facing same sex attraction is different for everyone. We can have a lot of emotional baggage and a lot of expectation placed on our shoulders. You say you don't care what other people think, I think that puts you leaps ahead of a lot of people. In fact, it is precisely that, that inhibits a huge amount of people from ever exploring their same sex attraction. They may do it secretly and covertly, but not openly.

    I have a friend who had your same fears. This was years ago, but her cubs were in very early primary school when she left her husband for a women. She was so scared that they would be picked on and bullied. Not only by other kids but by other parents. Having play dates with 2 Mum's can bring to the fore a lot of latent homophobia that exists in the community underneath manners and social norms. And it is real. Being part of a minority group is not easy. Kids can be cruel and they were not living in a major city. They were in regional Australia which is far from diverse to say the least.

    I wasn't sure from what you wrote if you have actually disclosed to your therapist that you are having these thoughts and attractions. You said that they have been there a long time, even when you were married. Is there anyone in your life you feel you can tell and confide in, or is it a secret? There are some great therapists out there, but also some not so great ones. I'm just wondering if you told them, maybe it would lift a weight off you. Or maybe a close friend or relative?

    It can be torturous holding it all inside, while trying to be a great Dad and worrying about your children's emotional well being and their vulnerability to bullies and judgment. It's a lot to carry. Take care,

    Def.

    2 people found this helpful
  5. Dangerous D
    Dangerous D  avatar
    7 posts
    22 November 2018 in reply to blondguy

    Hi Paul thank you so much for your replying first off depression is very hard to also have anxiety thrown in the mix I saw what it can do to people first hand as my wife/ex has it so I really feel for you, therapist I wasn't keen on them to start with as my first was not real good at all and put me off so I stopped going for a while but I got worse, so on my second now and she is awesome I was seeing her weekly for a while but after separating a lot of my issues were removed and made leaps and bounds, but I have never talked to anyone about how I feel about the other thing I don't no how to.

    And thank u again for your kind words.

    DD

  6. Dangerous D
    Dangerous D  avatar
    7 posts
    22 November 2018 in reply to geoff
    Hi Geoff thank u for replying you are very correct with the communication stuff we did have a real good communication line till we lost our daughter then we kind of lost everything slowly, I do have a real good group of male friends 1 has gone through similar minus separation, thank u again DD
  7. Dangerous D
    Dangerous D  avatar
    7 posts
    22 November 2018 in reply to Definitely Otherwise

    Hi Def your words mean so much I have read it several times before replying and properly several after, no I have not told a sole how I feel, I had a slight conversation/jock with one of my sisters about being gay because after depression and divorce I decided to change things up a little so I got a total of 5 piercings and some she said would look gay and tried talking me out (didn't work) and the way the conversation was I don't think she would like a gay brother but on the other hand I no they would love me either way, I no this because in depression I nelly did something I'm not proud of witch brought us all closer (after they nelly bashed me lol).

    As with your friend I have the same concerns but I have a 16 &14 step sons 7 yr daughter & a 4 yr old boy I have real concerns on what people/society will say/do to them and knowing that it was something I did that could cause them harm or discomfort kills me inside just thinking of it. I'm struggling saying anything to anyone as I have slight trust issues due to my ex. I really want to but its the kids thing I cant get past.

    thank you again Def so much

    DD

    1 person found this helpful
  8. MsPurple
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    1621 posts
    22 November 2018 in reply to Dangerous D

    HI DD and welcome

    I myself struggled with sexuality. I thought I was straight for years. I had loved men and was attracted to them, but I was also attracted to women. I found it very confusing. It wasn't until I talked to a therapist about it. He suggested I don't shut these feelings down but embrase them and explore. I finally accepted myself. I now identify as bisexual, but I am not one to shout it from the rooftop.

    What I am trying to say is sexuality isn't black and white. It can be hard for some people to figure themselves out. Not everyone knows as soon as they go through puberty like they do in the movies and tv shows.

    I think if you are wanting to explore it maybe discuss it with your psychologist/therapist. They can discuss how to discuss it with your kids and how to approach it. More and more people are fully accepting of same sex couples and parents. Love is love. I believe your kids would want you to find someone you have a connection with and love. I think if you discuss it with them how you feel they would be accepting. I know you maybe worried what would happen to them and how people would talk, but I think your kids would be ok with it because they love you.

    Sorry I'm not sure what to say as I am not a professional. I know some people raised by same sex couples and they are proud. They are not ashamed. I think your kids would be like this if you are open and show love

    1 person found this helpful
  9. Definitely Otherwise
    Definitely Otherwise avatar
    87 posts
    23 November 2018 in reply to Dangerous D

    Hi DD,

    It sounds to me DD that grief has stripped back the pretending. And a lot of honesty and freedom has broken through, after a long period of darkness. In some people it can do the complete opposite. Over the years, I’ve seen people stay closeted because they do not want to lose the love of their parents. I thought that upon the passing of their conservative, homophobic, but loving parents they would come out. But grief does funny things to people. Our society can be a very lonely place and a lot of people feel they don’t have many close relationships. To maintain a relationship with their folks once they’ve passed, they continue to live through the belief system & religion that was instilled in them to keep the attachment. It makes them feel less alone and like they belong to something, and in an odd way like they’re not truly gone. It’s like they want to please them, even though they’re not here anymore, to keep that sense of closeness.

    Losing a child has made you very protective of your kids, which is lovely. And I would probably have the same fears and anxieties. They after-all have lost a sibling. And while a lot of people think that kids are resilient and bounce back, they would have felt the grief in you and your wife, and sensed the sadness. I’m the only gay in my family and have been out for a long time, but I still get homophobic attitudes or comments, and depending if I’m feeling strong or not they can still shock you. So imagining that a tiny little child 4 or 6 may have to cop the brunt of that is a horrible thought. There’s no easy answers, when you’ve been through so much, with your loss & depression, you’re probably hyper-sensitive to pain, because you’ve experienced it first hand and don’t want your kids to do the same. You know that emotional pain is felt physically because you've been there, and you want to spare your kids.

    I’m disappointed that your sister said she was worried you may 'look' gay. I've noticed some attitudes from bi-curious women I've met, that one thing they are terrified of is being ugly. Lesbians have been betrayed as butch and unattractive, and with so much body image pressure & Instagram, they are more scared of being that, than it being known they have same sex attraction. Personally, I really don't get it. But then again I steer clear of instagram, I find it odd & seen it do damage.

    So is there a special someone that has made all this surface, or was it the devilishly handsome men you see around & online

    2 people found this helpful
  10. Dangerous D
    Dangerous D  avatar
    7 posts
    27 November 2018 in reply to MsPurple

    Hi Ms p

    I have spoken to my therapist since my last post and she said the exact thing and she helped with how to talk to the kids it was a good talk got a lot of info. Thank you so much your words help so much. I have not spoken to the kids yet I will wait a while , but went out with the boys for end of work drinks on the weekend 2 of them really close friends we all got a little how you go by the end of the night one of them realised something wasn't right and kept at me and I eventually told him by the end two new, one of them I really didn't want to no as he is a big homophobic really doesn't talk nice about them I thought he would hate me but I was SO WRONG , they just both wanted the best for me

    Thank you again Ms P

    1 person found this helpful
  11. Dangerous D
    Dangerous D  avatar
    7 posts
    27 November 2018 in reply to Definitely Otherwise

    Hi Def

    Thank you , you pretty much hit the nail on the head with you reply, spot on. And it has been there for a long time but I was able to ignore it, but it really came to light when I started to notice the marriage was failing but yes there was a guy I worked with was gay we started talking more, I new he was in a long term relationship and I was married so no I was not going to do anything I'm not that type of person but it got me thinking more.

    Thank you again you guys/girls on hear are really helpful

    1 person found this helpful
  12. MsPurple
    Champion Alumni
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    MsPurple avatar
    1621 posts
    27 November 2018 in reply to Dangerous D
    HI DD. I'm so glad you telling your kids went well. People can tell when something is up. It shows they care by asking how you are. People are becoming more understanding of different sexualities. It is great to see. I am glad because I was nervous about telling people, but I was so happy everyone was accepting. It must feel like a weight has been lifted
    1 person found this helpful
  13. Definitely Otherwise
    Definitely Otherwise avatar
    87 posts
    28 November 2018 in reply to Dangerous D

    That’s some really big leaps you’ve made DD, telling your therapist and people at work. People at work is the scariest for some. They feel it’s linked to their credibility and reputation. Like they’ve been a phoney all this time. When really, it’s the social etiquette that is phoney. I think we’ve all worked with a bunch of frauds or in a culture of conformity to some degree if you’ve been out in the workforce a while.

    You say that it’s been there a long time and started surfacing when your marriage started showing cracks. It’s not easy peering into those cracks and coming to terms with what may be causing the split, and the unfulfillment underneath. You also referred to your ex causing some trust issues. I guess that’s where the fantasy ends. The gay world is no different to the straight world. All the problems are the same, thrown in with some unique problems. I feel like I have taken 50 strides backwards in trust issues, just when I didn’t need anymore. I have this feeling of empty hollowness wash over me at the mere thought of placing trust in another women again. I guess this is something you can work through with your therapist. You don’t want to walk through life suspicious of everyone, but you want to keep your wits about you, and know when you’re being lied to and deceived.

    I think your mates reaction at work, the one with all the animosity and saying horrible things, is evidence that your family may take it better than you thought and your siblings may already know.

    Def

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