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Forums / Sexuality and gender identity / I'm confused with my sexuality

Topic: I'm confused with my sexuality

13 posts, 0 answered
  1. NJS_1
    NJS_1 avatar
    12 posts
    26 April 2020
    I've just join and this is my first time doing this. So, here goes nothing. I've been questioning my sexuality on and off for about 1 year and 5 months. It has been frustrating, scary, stressful, confronting and I just don't know anymore. I also was questioning when I was 16 and it was just as challenging. With Covid-19 happening and causing all the LGBTQ+ groups closing I haven't been able to talk to someone from the community who I could (possibly) relate to, so I thought I'd give this a try. I've come out as bisexual to some family members, including my parent and they're supportive, but I feel like bisexual doesn't suit me. This has lead me to think 'am I a lesbian?'. I've talked to my psychologist about my sexuality as well, but I worry I'm annoying her because I've brought it up a quite a bit and also, I would like to talk to someone who is part of the community. There is someone, a friend, who is bisexual, but she hasn't had this much trouble with figuring out her sexuality and I don't feel comfortable talking to her about this. I bottle this up sometimes and when I have I become awkward, I feel like I can't talk properly and I'm not entirely truthful. I feel incredibly alone, I feel like I'm the only one in the world who feels this way and I can't take this stressful questioning any longer - I need to talk to someone. If there is someone, any advice would be much appreciated.
  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    5893 posts
    26 April 2020 in reply to NJS_1
    Hi NJS_1,

    Welcome to our community. Thank you so much for posting, we understand doing this for the first time can be difficult. We are so sorry to hear that you are feeling so alone. We empathise with how difficult it must be to have difficulties accessing the services you need. Please know that our community is here to support you. Some of our members would relate and will be able to talk through these feelings with you. 

    If you feel it might be useful, we'd encourage you to visit our Coronavirus Mental Wellbeing Support Service. The website will be regularly updated with information, advice and strategies to help you manage your wellbeing and mental health during this time. The Coronavirus Support Service will be able to offer you support, but also refer you to an appropriate service as we understand that you are looking to speak to someone who is part of the community.

  3. ThatOneOverThere
    ThatOneOverThere avatar
    1 posts
    26 April 2020 in reply to NJS_1

    Hey pal. Bit of advice from someone who also goes to therapy - don’t worry about annoying your psychologist. It’s their job to help you get through your problems. If the biggest problem in your life rn is your sexuality, just flat out tell them “I want to talk about my confusion around my sexuality over our next few meetings”. If they’re a good psychologist (and I hope that they are), they will be more than willing to help you work through any of your problems.

    Hope this helps :)

  4. NJS_1
    NJS_1 avatar
    12 posts
    28 April 2020 in reply to ThatOneOverThere
    Thank you, it does help :)
  5. NJS_1
    NJS_1 avatar
    12 posts
    28 April 2020 in reply to Sophie_M
    Thank you for the reply :)
  6. ObviouslyAlz
    ObviouslyAlz avatar
    1 posts
    29 April 2020

    Hi Hi NJS_1,

    Im not sure if this is going to be super helpful, but I thought i would post a reply because I can sort of relate to how you are feeling at the moment.

    Im 18 now and for a very long time I have put off confronting my feelings about my own sexuality. Because of this no label feels right to myself and thus I haven't told my family or friends about my sexuality. Particularly because i have a wonderful group of friends (many who are LGBTQ+), however i always felt that they just knew what their sexuality was, which is something i have struggled with personally. Them appearing to be so sure of themselves used to make me feel worse about myself.

    I Just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone in your frustration.

    In addition, I understand the frustration in questioning yourself. What helped me with this at least was one of my siblings friends telling me that it is normal to go between labels as you grow up. Your feelings are normal and okay.

    I hope you feel better soon about this :)

  7. NJS_1
    NJS_1 avatar
    12 posts
    29 April 2020 in reply to ObviouslyAlz

    I definitely can relate to having friends who didn't struggle with knowing their sexuality, well, it's only one (the woman who I talked about in the original post). When I found out my friend didn't struggle I felt isolated and I didn't know what to do, so it's good to know there are others who've felt the same way. This is so difficult. Sometimes I think about going back into closet, but if I did that I believe I would be even more miserable and frustrated than I am now. What makes things even more difficult is that I don't feel valid because I haven't even kissed a woman and a psychiatrist didn't believe me when I told him (I don't see him anymore. It's difficult to not think about what he said). I sometimes feel like a fraud or I don't deserve to be part of the LGBTQ+ community or I'm lying to myself, then I question if I'm straight again. But I do find women attractive and I feel trapped when I think about labelling myself straight. I've dated a guy before which didn't end well and I think 'am I just saying I'm bisexual, so I don't have to date men?'. I'm so sorry for rambling and carrying on. There's been so much on my mind. I just wish this wasn't so difficult. Thank you for commenting :)

  8. Cotey
    Cotey avatar
    2 posts
    12 November 2020

    Hello - I would suggest contacting they specialise in servicing this LGBTIQA+ community so wont get annoyed! A safe space.

    When I was working this out (in my early thirties) I saw a therapist who was religious and homophobic (eg. using terms like 'normal' for cis gendered heterosexual relationships - ick ) and it set me back significantly...I lost a few years of being a more happy queer human as a result. I hope this guidance will save you wasting years.

    Keep your mind and heart open and you will find your place. all the best Cx

    1 person found this helpful
  9. Cotey
    Cotey avatar
    2 posts
    12 November 2020 in reply to ThatOneOverThere
    yes, and if they aren't comfortable in this space find another one for this stuff - suggest - free online chat feature and helpline. And make use of those 20 claimable sessions we are now entitled to via govt mental health plan. ask your gp about that if you are not already sorted.
    1 person found this helpful
  10. Helarctus
    Helarctus avatar
    116 posts
    12 November 2020 in reply to Cotey

    Hello NJS_1,

    I am glad you joined the forums, clarifying your sexual identity for yourself can be one of the most challenging things, especially when you are cut off from resources, as we are through COVID-19 events. Try not to pressure or push yourself in a particular direction, this only adds more stress to your day.

    Instead here is something to ponder (broadly);

    If there are some 64 (as google tells me) different assignations for gender, some of which can only be confirmed by internal scans. How can anyone specifically be attracted to a particular gender?

    Instead perhaps, looking at the things you like; traits, physical shape, emotional intelligence, compassion etc. and then see how you go being with the person, regardless of their gender. Just as you are a unique person with a complex mix of factors like eye colour, height, smile, the way you walk etc. I know I want to spend more time with someone who is interested in me as a person overall than who is soley focused on what may or may not be in my pants.

  11. NJS_1
    NJS_1 avatar
    12 posts
    15 November 2020 in reply to Helarctus

    Hi Helarctus,
    I've realised I'm a lesbian, I did make another post a few months back or so about it and now I feel more settled with it since coming out at gay. However, there are moments where something will happen and I wonder if it compulsory heterosexuality or my actual feelings. I do like the advice about looking at a person's personality or physical appearance than their gender, but for me, at this time I'm attracted to women than men. Also, compulsory heterosexuality is frustrating and annoying because I feel I have to dig up all this dirt to get to the treasure that is my true self and there's many twists and turns as well. Thank you for your advice and perspective.

  12. NJS_1
    NJS_1 avatar
    12 posts
    15 November 2020 in reply to Cotey
    Hi Cotey,
    Sorry to hear about your experience with a homophobic therapist. I can kind of relate as I had a psychiatrist who basically did not believe I was bisexual (I thought I was bi at the time) and said (and I quote) "you're confusing sexuality with choice"which makes no sense what so ever! However, I'm happy to say I no longer see him and I have an amazing psychologist who doesn't judge and is open minded. I've used Qlife once before and it was okay - just okay. At this point in my life I don't really want to dig too deep into my sexuality as I feel quite settled with being a lesbian and I don't want to rock the boat. However, trying to sort out the compulsory heterosexuality and other things is a bit difficult. Thank you for your advice and sharing your brief story :)
  13. Helarctus
    Helarctus avatar
    116 posts
    17 November 2020 in reply to NJS_1

    Hello NJS_1,

    I hope you are well and the summer gives you ample opportunity to enjoy the summer sun

    Having an apple because you love that one particular kind of apple does not mean you don't mostly prefer pears. ( to oversimplify ) It also does not define you as a person.

    I agree that there is a hetero-dominant lean to a lot of society that can push and even oppress people. You are the only person who can know who you love and are attracted to. The other side of the coin is remembering that the same is true of every other person, as much as one might want for a particular outcome, if the subject is of a different mind, it will not resolve.

    I had a conversation with one of my minions friends who expressed some homophobia, I explained that if someone of the same gender asked them out, then that was a compliment. They were always entitled to say thank you, but not interested, and everybody can be on their way. Again, this goes both ways. they seem to have taken it onboard.

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