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Forums / Sexuality and gender identity / I came out this week.. but I'm married, trapped & living a lie

Topic: I came out this week.. but I'm married, trapped & living a lie

22 posts, 0 answered
  1. b.l.u.e.b.e.l.l.
    b.l.u.e.b.e.l.l. avatar
    61 posts
    19 December 2018

    I posted somewhere here about a year ago... about the idea of knowing I'm gay.. but trapped in a marriage with small children.

    I came out this week.... to my oldest friend...to my therapist... and to another health professional.

    They have all been super supportive and told me I have their support no matter what i do. The implications of leaving this marriage are huge though. I do love my husband and kids... I don't want to hurt anyone purely to pursue my own sexuality.

    I've known for a long time .... but denied it and put it down to trauma experiences as a kid. But I've loved the same woman for 20 years... she's my soulmate. We can't be together... she will never come out even though she feels the same.

    I'm living a lie. I can't imagine leaving my life as I know it behind. But I also can't fathom the idea of living out this lie for the rest of my life.

    I have severe depression as it is... and right now my head is such a mess. I guess after all these years I just had to finally be honest with someone.

    Thanks for listening...

    2 people found this helpful
  2. Rabbit33
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    Rabbit33 avatar
    148 posts
    19 December 2018 in reply to b.l.u.e.b.e.l.l.

    Hi b.l.u.e.b.e.l.l.

    I feel for you, i really do! I am gay also and firstly there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with being gay at all! It's a huge thing coming to terms with and i respect you dearly for making the decision to confront it and open up about it. You will see that in time it will become so much easier as sexuality is a part of your identity. it's not about pursuing sexual desire over loving your family. It's about being true to yourself, so that you can be true to the ones you love and be the best you that you can possibly be. When i came out, i was absolutely TERRIFIED! I had been in a relationship for 3 and a half years with a female and left her to be with (now my ex boyfriend) but 99% of the people in my life were so supporting, i think i only cried happy tears. It was the scariest and best thing i have ever done. But that is my experience.

    My father is also gay and had 2 ex-wives and multiple kids to both. And although the dynamics of my family is one similar if not more complicated than the brady bunch haha. All of us kids are happy, my Father is Happy, my mother is happy. And any sad times in any of our lives, are not a result of my fathers sexuality and i know that i can turn to either parent and they will be there for me. Because that's what really matters. Don't feel pressured to do anything you don't want to, but know that if you do, and when that time comes. You will have A LOT of support behind you! You'll always love your kids and so, your sexuality is a totally separate thing and its a beautiful, so don't feel guilty.

    Wishing you all the best! And welcome to the LGBTQ community. Keep smiling! :)

    3 people found this helpful
  3. Only I know
    Only I know avatar
    214 posts
    19 December 2018 in reply to b.l.u.e.b.e.l.l.

    Hey Bluebell

    as Rabbitt33 says, there is nothing wrong with you being gay. I was married for 20 years to a wonderful, beautiful woman - my best friend - and hid who I was for my entire life - never exploring my sexuality. I lived as a straight man, never investigating this side of me. Eventually it took it's toll, I too got depressed, it took me to the lowest point in my life where I questioned my existence and found out the hard way that the police don't like you doing certain unsafe things at 1 o'clock in the morning.

    I ended up coming out to my wife back in May - I was fortunate that she was extremely loving and supportive, and continues to be. I moved out of the family home, away from her and my 2 kids. I see them a great deal, have them over for dinner or breakfast and the kids stay. I only live 8mins by car from them so is all good.

    I created a thread - Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay - it has become a very long thread with quite a few people joining it and adding their story.

    It is a scary time, but I can promise you it gets so much better. The weight of the world is no longer on my shoulders, I no longer crave an ending, and am generally happy. Of course I miss going home to my family, but they will always be there, they love me to death. I still give my (former) wife hugs and kisses.

    So after 47 years, I can be my true self, and it is so liberating. For 47 years "Only I knew" and it blows my mind now to think that a whole load of people now know that I am gay. And no one cares. All that my family and friends care about is my health and happiness.

    Your sexuality doesn't define you, but it has contributed to who you are today. Now is the time for you - you've taken care of everyone else's feelings and lives for long enough - now take care of you!

    You don't need to leave your life behind, but it will change, there will be challenges, but you needn't lose the ones you love most.

    There is an organisation called Q-life - google them. they are a peer based phone support for LGBTQ+. They can recommend a LGBT friendly psychologist - they did for me and he has helped me to no end. Helped me rid myself of the self loathing, disgust, hatred and shame. I no longer carry any of these burdens, and all this in just 7 months.

    I can't say it will be easy as there are challenges, but with the right support you will get through it and be all the better for it.

    Continue chatting here if it helps.

    Good luck!

    Darren

    3 people found this helpful
  4. b.l.u.e.b.e.l.l.
    b.l.u.e.b.e.l.l. avatar
    61 posts
    20 December 2018 in reply to Only I know

    Thank you so much for your responses Rabbit and Darren. I so appreciate your time and thoughts.

    Darren, I have read through your post. It is comforting to know I'm not the only one stuck in this situation...it does give me hope that it wont always be this hard.

    I just don't think I can make any decisions right now.. maybe not ever - but I'm definitely not ready to come out properly.

    Another complication in all of this is that we are a christian family... attend church.. and I work in a religious environment too. I would literally be going against almost every person I know's own religious views - let alone my own (that's another story entirely). Pretty much everyone in my world as I know it would HATE me... and quite frankly I could hardly blame them. I'd probably also be encouraged if not forced out of my job. I wouldn't know what to do.

    I have a mental health team who look after me - and they are willing to support whatever decision I make... but it's hard. I've had a relationship with a woman on and off for about 20 years...the same woman. I've only been married 10. I know it isn't right. We're trying to put a stop to things. She's my soulmate but I can't have her. It's so so hard.

    Anyway... thanks again - I appreciate you reaching out.

    1 person found this helpful
  5. Rabbit33
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    Rabbit33 avatar
    148 posts
    20 December 2018 in reply to b.l.u.e.b.e.l.l.

    I think you may be surprised by some of the people in your life, that they will adjust and love you nonetheless.

    Those who 'may' have a different view and as you say will end up hating you. Well those are the type of people you probably don't need in your life anyway. People's opinions shouldn't dictate who we are or who we love.

    You are your own person and you will see that the area's of your life that may or will change, will also welcome new people into your life and replace those that left. This happens in life all the time so i wouldn't let it hold you back from being true to yourself. The same goes for work. I know it's not easy but if you do have to leave for whatever reason, it may be a blessing in disguise and open up new opportunities for you that you are or become very passionate about. It could end up being quite an exciting time for you!

    You just have to try and focus on the positive parts of it all and if for some reason you become overwhelmed, scared, anxious or depressed, just remind yourself of what those positives are and imagine what they look like. Also make sure you do reach out to your support group as they will be there for you. Just remember you don't have to do this alone and to take as much time as you need in doing whatever you feel is right.

    Sending you positive vibes!

    3 people found this helpful
  6. Only I know
    Only I know avatar
    214 posts
    20 December 2018 in reply to b.l.u.e.b.e.l.l.

    Howdy b.l.u.e.b.e.l.l., I hear and understand what you are saying.

    I'm not religious by any means, so can only guess at what you are saying, however as Rabbit33 says, you will probably be surprised at what your loved ones say or think. They know you for who you are - a good person, with a good heart. No doubt they will be confused and conflicted, but if they care for you as much as they profess to, they will probably come to terms with the truth.

    This isn't something that you have just decided to do, you know to your core that you were always this way. I did, but the fear of rejection from family, friends and society in general prevented me from coming out when younger. Oh - how I wish that I did! But then, I probably wouldn't have had the wonderful family that I now have. If I was of faith - I would probably say that I had followed the path that had been set for me, and now the path has changed?

    I'm guessing from your post that you work in the religious community, whether it be at a school or church etc, and I'm aware of the debate in NSW with some schools wanting the ability to terminate Gay teachers and turn away gay students. It makes me angry that there even needs a debate, and not really angry at the school, but just for the reason that there needs one.

    Bottom line is, you know who you are. It is NOT wrong - you cannot help being who you are. You should not have to be in the pain that you are, just because others don't like it.

    Don't rush to make any decisions you are not ready to. Keep talking to those that you have confided in, don't give up on yourself or your soulmate. Life is way to short to live in pain. Your life is yours to live, it doesn't belong to anyone else.

    Anyway, keep chatting here if you need to, I'll be around and there are plenty of others who care as well. I may not always post the same day, but I do check at least every couple of days, so hang in there.

    Take care, and remember to smile at all the little things.

    Cheers

    Daz

    2 people found this helpful
  7. Esti67
    Esti67 avatar
    77 posts
    29 December 2018 in reply to b.l.u.e.b.e.l.l.

    Hi bluebell,

    I posted about my dilemma which has similarities to yours a while back. I found the support on these forums incredibly helpful and it helped to validate what i was feeling and to make a decision about whether i stay closeted in my marriage or accept my identity and come out.

    I feel for you. I have been in a straight marriage for 28 years to a wonderful man. I have 2 adult children. I have also been attracted to women on and off during this time ( for about 20 years) and for reasons I'm not clear about earlier this year these feelings resurfaced and didnt go away. I felt that life is short and that i owed it to myself to see if being with a woman worked for me. I came out to my husband and he was shocked, very sad but supportive. We agreed that i could explore this and i did, with a friend who is an out lesbian that I've always had a little thing for. Things escalated very quickly and we are in love and planning a life together, albeit a very complicated one. I am now at the point where i am going to tell my kids and i am terrified that they will hate me so i completely understand where you are coming from. This is the only thing i think about and cannot wait to move out but need to be as gentle as i can. In terms of my decision making ( because leaving behind the life you have is huge, overwhelming and terrifying ) i kept thinking that family is the most important thing but i think identity and happiness are as important. I have wavered between staying and leaving but decided to leave based on how unhappy and resentful i would be if i stayed in my marriage even though i love my husband very much. This would be unfair to everyone. Am i nervous ? hell yes but I'm also excited at the new life that awaits me.

    I am very sorry that you and the woman you have been with can't be together. Its been a long time and the social pressure for the both of you is. A blog i read was called "a late life lesbian story" some of the stories on there were great and they gave tips on coming out to partners, kids, how you identified you were gay etc. Have a read, it might help you to sort through everything you are feeling. You are definately not alone in this, there are many of us out there, most lesbians i know have been married at some point, just make sure you dont beat yourself up through this process, life's already hard enough. Good luck

    E

    1 person found this helpful
  8. b.l.u.e.b.e.l.l.
    b.l.u.e.b.e.l.l. avatar
    61 posts
    29 December 2018 in reply to Only I know

    Thank you both for your kind thoughts and words. Sorry it's taken a while to get back here.... it's hard with a house full of people to get any privacy, especially over Christmas..

    I'm still really confuse d... and hurting. I've spoken with my "friend" on and off about what to do with our situation. It's been over 20 years of on again off again and *trying* to do the right thing by my husband. She has emphatically told me though that she will not be coming out..end of story. As for me... It's up to me whether or not I want to come out and leave my family but it won't be to be with her.

    I'm devastated to know that while I would consider turning my entire world completely upside down for her, she wouldn't do the same for me. I've no doubt she loves me.... but I guess I just love her more.

    So I guess that's my decision taken out of my hands..... There's no point in destroying my family. Maybe it's for the best. I don't know... I'm so confused.

    I hope that you've had a lovely Christmas & break if you've had one. Thanks so much for your support here..

    1 person found this helpful
  9. b.l.u.e.b.e.l.l.
    b.l.u.e.b.e.l.l. avatar
    61 posts
    29 December 2018 in reply to Esti67

    Thank you E! It's so comforting to hear from others who are or have been in the same boat.

    Being able to come out to your husband must have been an enormous undertaking.. and I can only imagine what it will be like to tell your kids too.

    It sounds as though things are working out in your new relationship though which is wonderful.

    I've done, and continue to do a lot of grieving over the life I'll never have with my lover. We will never make a home together or wake up together... never get to do the things that normal couples do. We're trying to make the break from on again off again lovers to just friends... best friends - which is what we've masqueraded as for all these years anyhow. I don't know if it will work...but we have to try. It's either this or nothing... I can't keep up this affair. I'm just so sad for the life we will never get to live.... but have to be grateful I still have her at all. I really resent that things were so different 20 or so years ago. Had we been in the same situation now, who knows what might have happened... society has a long way to go but it has truly come so far in that time.

    Anyway... thanks for listening. It does make me feel less alone in it all.

    2 people found this helpful
  10. Esti67
    Esti67 avatar
    77 posts
    29 December 2018 in reply to b.l.u.e.b.e.l.l.

    Thanks Bluebell,

    Yes, coming out to my husband was the scariest thing i have had to do. I found that, like so many others in their posts on these forums, i had to because i was feeling physically and mentally unwell, i wasn't sleeping, was disconnected at work and home. I felt like i was living a lie. My friend and i started off very casual but it became obvious quickly there was something more. My husband whilst heart broken has realised that if i stay with him and remain unhappy then everyone loses. I guess i should add that when things became complicated with my friend she basically stayed away for a couple of months which devastated me. She didn't want to be responsible for breaking up my marriage. It was actually a good thing because it forced me to really think that if i out myself i may well not end up with her. I weighed up whether it was still worth it. As sad as i felt i still pushed forward because i know in my heart as much as i adore my family and the life i live, I'm physically and sexually attracted to women. Luckily things are working out for us but its not without it's challenges. The guilt is sometimes very difficult to manage but i look ahead and hope that in time we heal ( my husband knows my friend ) and have some kind of good relationship.

    I'm wondering if the pull towards women is as strong for you or if you are in love with your friend and no one else? For me, it was instant when i first had sex with my friend and the fact that i look at women and think " i would definitely hit on you in a bar" that confirmed it.

    I think you both have a lot of stamina to keep your affair secret for so long. Its such hard work and emotionally draining. I feel sad for your broken heart. What would she do if you called it quits? It sounds like you need a break from the sadness this is creating. Its a hard road but wont always be this way. Thats what i hope anyway.

    E

    1 person found this helpful
  11. b.l.u.e.b.e.l.l.
    b.l.u.e.b.e.l.l. avatar
    61 posts
    30 December 2018 in reply to Esti67

    Thank you E... I can't imagine any of it has been easy for you. When you say you felt disconnected... this is me, all the time. I said it to my psych when I last saw her and she said it's because I'm so disconnected from myself.

    What would she do if I ended the relationship? She would leave me alone... and disappear from my life if I wanted her to. She.. like your friend, doesn't want to be the one to end my marriage. She also won't have me if I do....

    As for if it's just her.... she's the only other woman I've been in love with. I first felt different at about 12... and questioned what was wrong with me all through high school. I had crushes on girls but was so confused... I didn't understand whether I liked them or just wanted to be their friend. I had quite a lot of trauma in childhood and as a teen.... so I very much just wanted to be "normal" .... I guess that's ultimately why I found a good man and married him. I wanted kids.... and it was just unheard of back then for same sex couples to get married or have a family. Other than that... the only sexual attraction I feel is toward women.. It's always been that way as much as I've tried to deny it and be with men.

    It's all so confusing right now. I think I've made the decision to stay with my family... but part of that makes me so very sad. There's so much grief.

    2 people found this helpful
  12. Esti67
    Esti67 avatar
    77 posts
    31 December 2018 in reply to b.l.u.e.b.e.l.l.

    Hi Bluebell

    May i ask how old you are and do you have any friends in the LGBTQI community? I am lucky that i have always worked in queer friendly environments so my own acceptance of what i percieve is normal and my own identity is easier. (Being same sex attracted is normal by the way, at least it is for me and many if us) I do understand that the fear of hatred is real though. I have catalogued the people i will lose after this, especially given that my husband is basically a saint. Everyone loves him and so do I. I do think that the important ones will remember that I'm still the same person with my funny little ways, occasional bad hair days who is decent and kind.

    Perhaps the more you mix in the LGBTQI community and hear their stories you will see that whilst the journey ( i hate that word) can be tough it is fundamentally worth it because you will be happier. To echo rabbits words " It's about being true to yourself, so that you can be true to the ones you love and be the best you that you can possibly be. " Living an unhappy existence is bad for everyone and its actually not selfish to say you have needs, to live an authentic life. Darren also said it well about giving to everyone all your life and that its time to look after you. This is completely ok otherwise what will people remember about you? For me, i just hated feeling so stuck/paralysed/sad.

    Have your family or friends noticed something is wrong? Putting on a mask everyday is hard work so they may actually be relieved to be able to see there is a reason for your sadness as hard as it will be initially to come out.

    The other side is that a lot of people do live a closetted life because the alternative can be terrifying. It comes down to what you can live with. The woman you love is clear about this. But there are plenty of others out there in our situation. For me, I am leaving financial security and an essentially easy life for what may be a more difficult path but i need to make sure that if this is who i am that ive given it every chance. I am very lucky to have 2 very patient beautiful people beside me through this process.

    Good luck, i hope you are being kind to yourself.

    E

    2 people found this helpful
  13. b.l.u.e.b.e.l.l.
    b.l.u.e.b.e.l.l. avatar
    61 posts
    3 January 2019 in reply to Esti67

    Hi E.. thanks for staying in touch... I so much appreciate hearing your story.

    I'm 36... and No, I have no one in my real world who is gay... I don't even know anyone (that I know of). I think that makes it harder... having no one to identify with- no one who "normalises" any of it for me.

    My family and friends know something has been very wrong for me in the last couple of years. Last year I spent around 6 weeks in a psych unit due to severe depression. They don't really know it ... but I had a plan to end my life. I just couldn't see a way out of all of this mess.... that, on top of a lifetime of trauma and crippling anxiety & depression. I had ECT treatment which messed with my memory in a big way and didn't really help much.

    So... they assume it's all about depression. I've managed to tell 2 friends recently that I think I'm gay and have considered what could happen if I stay/ leave my marriage. They've both been supportive but I feel like such a burden... I don't like to ask for help unless it's offered.

    Like you... I would be leaving financial security- a home we've built and life we have made together. I guess I would find my way somehow.... but I'm so scared that in the pursuit of finding myself or being true to who I think I am, I would lose myself entirely and end up severely isolated and at huge risk of suicide.

    At the moment... the future looks bleak, no matter which way i look at it. I guess it's a matter of figuring out which choices will cause the least amount of pain in the end. It's so very hard.

    2 people found this helpful
  14. Esti67
    Esti67 avatar
    77 posts
    7 January 2019 in reply to b.l.u.e.b.e.l.l.

    Hi Bluebell,

    Sorry that Ive taken a while to reply. Ive been away for a couple of days with my woman and have had a chance to see what life would be like living as an out lesbian with the woman i love and it was lovely. For this reason i want to stress to you that with the right person its worth it. To feel right, its worth it. I do however understand the sadness this creates for people that i love and whilst i have never been suicidal i have frequently felt the urge to just run. I miss my friend when im not with her and feel guilty when i am but have also accepted that the choice ive made is going to have a lot of consequences for me..... but it will pass.

    I am so sorry to hear about your experiences with poor mental health from time to time. I am glad tho that you have a good team around you. Maybe these are good people to strategise coming out with? Alternatively, strategise about how to manage and find some way of moving past this so it doesn't ruin your life should you decide not to come out. I would also like to let you know as i said in my previous post that this is REALLY common. Its unfortunate you dont have a community you can talk with. Q LIFE or a womens health centre may be a good start. I hope you are ok, you sound like you are going through hell.

    E

    2 people found this helpful
  15. Only I know
    Only I know avatar
    214 posts
    7 January 2019 in reply to b.l.u.e.b.e.l.l.

    Hey Bluebell, really glad that you are still posting on here. Doing so is such a big step, these forums were the first place I came to when I was at my lowest point. It's from talking about the emotional pain you are feeling that helps.

    Esti and I, and a number of others have been supporting each other through each of our own stories - pretty much a mirror to yours - for months now, and I cannot stress how much it helped me. Like you, at the time I felt that there was absolutely no way that I was going to come out, end my 20 year marriage and leave my wonderful loving family. But I had only 2 choices, to do it or not, but the 2nd would mean that I wouldn't be here now - for that I am very sure.

    My suggestion would be to seek a professional, look for a psychologist (and a gay one if you can - QLife may be able help you find one near you).

    As Esti said, people coming out later in life has become so common. Unfortunately society and it's bigotry is what made us make the choice to be closeted. Thankfully, society has now recognised the error in this, that sexuality is as diverse as culture and people are, and has made big inroads to rectify the situation.

    At almost 48, I can now be who I am. Unlike Esti, I'm still single and never experienced a same sex relationship, but hope that the future will be kind and one day I may meet someone.

    Yes, separating does hurt the old bank balance, but in reality what is a bank balance going to do for me if I'm not around anyway? I still have my family, including my wife. I know that I am loved and supported - though I could never have dreamt in my wildest dreams, that I would be.

    I truly hope things pick up for you. You are loved - the fact that your family and friends are still by you and asking proves that.

    We're also here for you.

    I like to think that 2019 will be a wonderful year for all of us.

    Esti, really, really glad that you are sounding quite positive. And so happy that you are spending some quality time with your woman! (YOUR WOMAN!!! - good on you!)

    Daz

    3 people found this helpful
  16. b.l.u.e.b.e.l.l.
    b.l.u.e.b.e.l.l. avatar
    61 posts
    10 January 2019 in reply to Only I know

    Thank you guys.... it's so hard.

    I'm so depressed right now.

    My girlfriend/ lover is staying with us at the moment.... complicated I know. She and hubby get along so well. It's really twisted in lots of ways... and makes me feel so bad.

    We've had the opportunity to spend some time alone together and it's been passionate and amazing and it just feels as natural as breathing does.

    She's about to go away again though.... she lives quite a distance away. I don't know when we will see each other next. It's so hard. We are so in love but cant find a way to be together properly.

    We went out the other day and held hands in public... we both have short hair etc... so people would have been making assumptions. I love the idea that people would assume we are a couple. I hate the idea that we can't be... not really anyway.

    Anyway... I have No one else to talk to about her.... about the infidelity.... about the impossible choices I'm faced with... so thanks for listening.

    1 person found this helpful
  17. Esti67
    Esti67 avatar
    77 posts
    14 January 2019 in reply to b.l.u.e.b.e.l.l.

    Hi Bluebell,

    This must be excruciating for you, even though spending time with your lover must be wonderful. I do know the sadness that comes with leaving her after having spent beautiful days together. My husband and lover know eachother well also and we've been having conversations more recently about the impact of how this is for the three of us. They have yet to see eachother since all this started. It will be very awkward but we will be ok because none of us want to cause drama.

    How the hell are you two keeping this up? I recently spent time with her kids who don't know but it was impossible to not touch. Even the way we look at eachother, lean in etc, its so obvious. If your husband twigged to the two of you, would you come out? I think you are in such a tricky situation as even if this happened, your lover wants the status quo. Just make sure that this situation isnt making you more depressed. See your psychologist if you need to and keep checking in here if it makes you feel better. Look after yourself.

    E

    1 person found this helpful
  18. b.l.u.e.b.e.l.l.
    b.l.u.e.b.e.l.l. avatar
    61 posts
    5 February 2019 in reply to Esti67

    I'm back again.

    I thought about starting a new thread... but it would be pointless - because it's the same thing. I'm just feeling so lonely and frustrated right now.

    I wish I could come out properly without consequence.... it would be such a relief, so freeing. I'm tired of living a life that is for show... and denying who I am or could be for the sake of others. But that feels so selfish... and I'm not that person. I don't want to split up my family. I chose them... and I continue to choose them because it feels like the only option I can live with. Suicide seems like the only true way out of this mess. I have no current intention... but the thoughts are there constantly.

    I recently spent some time with my girlfriend... if that's what I can call her. I've been with her longer than my husband... over 20 years now. I wish I could call her my wife... my lover... something else. But girlfriend seems generally accepted and doesn't need to convey sexual tendencies... unless people read into it. Anyway... the time was brief, but wonderful. I miss her so much... my heart aches so intensely for her. I wish it was different.

    There's no real solution to any of this mess.... I just needed to "talk". Thanks for listening.

    2 people found this helpful
  19. Esti67
    Esti67 avatar
    77 posts
    10 February 2019 in reply to b.l.u.e.b.e.l.l.

    Hi B.l.u.e.b.e.l.l,

    I'm so glad you posted here again. I've been wondering how you have been going. I think there are consequences for everything we do and it may be hard initially but in time things really do ease. I've pushed through the really hard stuff ( much more to come tho) and i am sitting in bed with a cup of tea in my own place. I moved house yesterday and emotionally its been huge. My kids, particularly my daughter are still unhappy with me but its livable and i believe we will in time all be ok. I'm not that stressed out, disengaged person that everyone was walking on eggshells around. And guess what, i can chat to my girl any time i like, pop over to hers without explaining where i am, and just.....breathe.

    I am so sorry that your situation is so terrible. It sounds similar to mine but very different in lots of ways. You may be surprised, you may get some good support, especially in echoing Darren's story - that he like you saw suicide as the only way out of this. No one wants you dead, seriously, i do believe that people will see the amount of pain you are in and get it. Even if they dont it doesn't actually matter. Your sexuality is integral to who you are and you owe it to yourself to live the most full and beautiful life you can. I, like you have the idea that family is everything but so is identity. Please make sure you talk you someone if you need to.

    Keep posting

    E

    2 people found this helpful
  20. Only I know
    Only I know avatar
    214 posts
    10 February 2019 in reply to b.l.u.e.b.e.l.l.

    Hey Bluebell

    Yes, I know exactly how you are feeling - it was exactly how I felt about this time last year. My trouble's started in February, where I constantly thought about my sexuality, the pain I was in was debilitating. All I thought about - all day - every day, was ending it, and that was for almost 4months. I honestly don't know how I pulled through.

    But I did, and Esti is right - your story echo's mine. I've been married for 20 years last april - very happily married, loving etc etc. we thought we were each others "forever" person. If I could have ignored who I was, then I would have, but I couldn't and it took me down that terrible path.

    fortunately my wife is an angel, my hero - and I will forever love her. she saw how hurting I was and all she wanted was for me to be happy and healthy - and alive. She actually told me that she would never have forgiven me if I had done something stupid. That I would have stolen from her the opportunity for her to help me through my pain, even though that it meant the end of our marriage.

    Please, don't think this way - it does not do you any good at all. Please go and talk to someone - a psychologist or therapist etc. Go to a Dr and get a Mental Health care plan. Google Qlife and call them, they can recommend a psych or therapist that is Gay friendly and they will be able to provide you with a great deal of clarity.

    I have split my family up - my loving kids and my wife are still very much a part of my life. I see them several times every week. My wife still rings me for advice, or just to say hello or invite me to dinner. we've agreed to even go out a couple of times a month for dinner or movie. She has become my best friend (or rather - remained my best friend).

    I'm now living on my own, and it is hard. I have great friends who help me, and of course still have my loving family.

    I've realised that the world doesn't end, families don't implode but the pain does dwindle to a much more bearable and containable part of my life.

    Please take care

    Daz

    2 people found this helpful
  21. Only I know
    Only I know avatar
    214 posts
    10 February 2019 in reply to Esti67

    Hey Esti,

    really glad to hear such positivity in your posts. Glad you did the big move, keep yourself really busy for the next few weeks - that's what I did! I've now been on my own for 3.5 months and have only had a handful of really sad moments where I'm on my own.

    There's a new gym opening up near me, and I've signed up to start at the beginning of March, so plan to go regularly, and also for those moments where I'm sitting at home on my own feeling sad. Get out and do stuff to take the mind off things!

    Hope you have been well! Enjoy the freedom of having to worry about where and when you are going somewhere. No doubt your kids will come to realise that you are happier now, they will see the difference.

    take care my friend!

    Daz

    1 person found this helpful
  22. Definitely Otherwise
    Definitely Otherwise avatar
    87 posts
    23 February 2019 in reply to b.l.u.e.b.e.l.l.

    Hey b.l.u.e.b.e.l.l.

    The other guys have commented on sexuality and talked about their story, but what stood out for me is that maybe what happened when you were young has had more of an impact than you realise. Especially on your emotional health and well being. I don't want to talk for you, or assume it has, but maybe if I just let you know that there are thousands of people who have walked that intersection of where sexuality meets that particular awful thing. It just gnaws at you doesn't it.

    I don't know if you can relate, but people in the Catholic faith have ignorantly insinuated to me that I am only a lesbian as a perverted consequence of what happened to me when I was little.

    I am telling you now, that I will not accept that all that I am, and that beautiful resonance that I felt with someone, is merely a perverted, biological hijacking, that given other circumstances, I would be 'normal'.

    Women are my home. And it just feels right. It absolutely terrifed me how deeply I fell in love with one women. It was so scary, and it did trigger childhood memories that were so, so, so hard to navigate. She simply just did not understand my intersection.

    It's such a pity there isn't any groups for gals in Sydney. The guys have samsn and apparently Craig is absolutely amazing, had a horrific life, and this is the one question that he gets asked the most. Amazing isn't it, out of all the complexity this issue had. Am I gay because of what happened? People torture themselves over this, and live their entire lives not feeling like they can let go, and enjoy a connection, without the horrible thoughts and constant questions in their minds. It feels like a life sentence doesn't it.

    I know I haven't helped. But just wanted you to know, that this is a very very very very common problem, and it keeps people ashamed and closeted for decades, never able to fall in love. Don't travel that journey alone, reach out.

    I really hope you find a counsellor that understands these complex and confusing issues.

    Def

    2 people found this helpful

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