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Forums / Sexuality and gender identity / I seem to have lost my heart

Topic: I seem to have lost my heart

5 posts, 0 answered
  1. Cam1313
    Cam1313 avatar
    6 posts
    19 October 2018
    Greetings, iv been depressed for many years, since 15, but in the last few years, i seemed to have gone beyond it, and have become indifferent and numb to all aspects of life, since I was young, iv always dreamed of falling in love with a nice guy, it needn’t of been a romantized, Disney version, but something would have been nice, as such iv never been in love, for a long time I put myself out there, going to all the usual places one would hope to find somebody, but all I found was rejection, and people who would use me sexually, then cast me aside, no intimacy at all, I ended up putting my heart in a box, and hiding it, while I allowed myself to waste away in my tower room, waiting to be rescued by someone who thought I would save me from my isolation, I realise now that it was foolish of me to expect that my prince might of come, as he never did, these days , I feel disconnected, solitary and utterly alone, miserable iv no happy memories to fall back on for strength, I once believed there was someone out there for everybody, but now I see that there are those who never find love, it’s a strange and horrible feeling being overlooked, used, lied to, forgotten, unseen, unwanted and alone, I wonder what’s the point of life if there is nothing to look forward to? except the dull drudgery of working each day, iv tried everything and nothing seems to work, perhaps I was hoping for to much?, whenever I see a happy couple, it triggers my depression to the extent I feel sick and overwealmed, iv grown cold, disenchanted, and cynical about love, though still hold out hope that someday I’ll find it, but who could possibley want to be with me now after iv become so bitter and hurt? I wonder how I can feel so broken-hearted all the time without ever being in love? On the outside, I present as rather stoic, and serious, when once I was the life of the party, but on the inside, I’m crying, and screaming in my agony, I worry how il end up if I keep feeling this way, on the occasions I feel anything at all.
    2 people found this helpful
  2. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
    8668 posts
    19 October 2018 in reply to Cam1313

    Hi Cam1313,

    Sorry to read that your expectations and desires in life have not been met so far. It can be really hard to know that people are happy to use you just for sex and not want any kind of relationship. I am really sorry this has happened to you.

    There have been times when I have had to learn all over again to like and love myself. There is a thread here asking that question, about do we love or like ourselves. Many people, even those in relationships, find it hard to accept the life they have and like who they are.

    Can you think of some aspects of your life that you do like?

    Can you think of something you would really like to do?

    Are there any clubs or groups you would like to join where you can meet people with similar interests?

    You mentioned you work, are there people at work you could go out with socially to the movies perhaps?

    Do you have any pets at all?

    What could you do tomorrow that might help you feel a sense of achievement, or is something different to do?

    Not sure what else to write to try to be of help and support to you.

    Regards from Dools

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Only I know
    Only I know avatar
    214 posts
    19 October 2018 in reply to Cam1313

    hey Cam1313

    I hear your pain, and understand what you say. I also believe that everyone deserves to be loved, to be happy and fulfilled. I'm sorry you're feeling like this at the moment.

    I never thought I could be true to myself, but now after 20 years of marriage and coming out to my wife - who is a wonderful person - I do actually believe that there is a guy like you describe out there for me, just as there is for you.

    I haven't explored yet, and I'm scared too, but I do believe that I will find that someone. It may not be today, nor tomorrow, but I do feel it to be true now. I know that I've got to be patient, I'll probably find when I'm least expecting it to, and in the most unlikely of places.

    Sometimes you can search and search, but the thing is right there in front of your face the whole time. Obviously we don't know your situation, but don't shut yourself off or people out. Just breathe, pick yourself up and put one foot in front of the other. Maybe that person is just around the corner. Don't give up on him. He could be feeling the same as you right now and if you both stop caring enough - well you may walk past each other.

    Mate, be positive. Enjoy what you can of each day, relish even the small things.

    Take care.

    Darren

    1 person found this helpful
  4. C4
    C4 avatar
    107 posts
    20 October 2018 in reply to Only I know
    Hi Cam I’m Craig I was readying your post and I too feel for you I came out nearly 18 months ago and wonder if I’ll ever find someone for me also . I have had sexual experience with men but I want more than that I want intimacy friendship and monogamy . I find a lot just want sex and to me it’s more than that I want an emotional connection as well I want a best friend too. I was married for 16 years and although sexually it didn’t work out with my wife we did have a good marriage and she was my best friend so when it fell a part of me was lost as well. Trying to meet new gay friends is hard they either don’t want to meet or make excuses not wanting to be friends. I get lonely too living by myself so getting into new groups helps with that also which can be hard if your shy and have anxiety too . Ive joined a bowling group in Melbourne with I’m going to next Thursday so there’s another outlet for me to meet new friends. It is scary being gay and single and older I’m 46 and wonder whether or not someone will want me for me and not just sex . So just be patient I know it’s disheartening when you get rejected I know first hand and it’s sad as well but you will find someone for you mate that wants what you want and probably what we all want deep down is someone to love us . Hope to hear from you soon ok
  5. Cam1313
    Cam1313 avatar
    6 posts
    21 October 2018 in reply to Doolhof

    Greetings, thank you for taking the time to respond, I’m afraid that there is very little satisfaction I get out of life, there are no groups, or clubs, where I live, not that I have the time to attend social gatherings, my years of going to the Sydney gay club all but destroyed my willingness to participate, if I don’t find it boring, I find it to loud and fake, as if everyone is trying to fulfill some aspect of themselves in an invented world of their own illusions, I have no pets, and can’t afford the time or expense in keeping one, I work in a school, and I don’t mention my sexuality there as no one has ever asked, I do like myself, I’m kind, smart, funny, not to bad looking and 34, I’m bound and obligated to my family as my brother relies on me to look after my nephew,I can’t move out, am often poor after expenses, don’t drive, and feel trapped, I’m passing my course in education with praise and high marks, but I feel nothing but ambivalencetowards it, been out since I was 19, have heard all the reassurances before, iv looked for a boyfreind my whole adult life, but nothing has ever come my way, I feel like giving up the search as the pain of hope, searching, and waiting are to painful to bare.

    1 person found this helpful

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