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Forums / Sexuality and gender identity / I wish I wasn't gay

Topic: I wish I wasn't gay

7 posts, 0 answered
  1. Athryn
    Athryn avatar
    4 posts
    12 February 2014

    I've been out of the closet for the last decade and I wish now that I never did. I'm so sick and tired of being treated differently. You wouldn't think it would happen often but it does quite regularly. Maybe it's due to the fact that I don't have many other gay people in my life except for my partner. All of my friends are straight as are the people I work with. My sexuality is brought up in conversation regularly or they will ask for my opinion about relationships or sex and frankly I'm tired of being different. Don't get me wrong it's never a case of bullying or anything. I just would prefer to be the same as everyone else.

    I guess it all came to a head the other night at a buck's party. We ended up at a strip club and they wouldn't leave me alone asking what I thought or if I was turned on by the ladies. God I'm telling you now, I wish I was. At least then I could just be the same as everyone else and not have to put up with all the constant questions and innuendo.

    Needless to say, I don't think I'll be going back to a strip club any time soon.

  2. Mbuna
    Mbuna avatar
    95 posts
    13 February 2014 in reply to Athryn

    Hey Athryn,

    Sorry to hear you are feeling down. I do know the feeling of wanting to be normal. I'm not gay so I cant honestly say I understand everything you are feeling. I can give you some perspective from the other side of the fence however. I grew up in a military environment. For many years homosexuals were banned from joining the Defence Force in this country. There was actually a lot of homophobia around. I had never met a gay person but to be honest I did not really know what all the fuss was about.

    When i left the Army, I moved interstate and started working for a private company. I had been there for 6 months when a gay guy started working in our office. I didn't care one bit but there were a lot of ex defence people working there and it was a rough part of town with a lot of big burly tattooed workers. I did wonder how a gay guy would get on working in such an environment. There few snickers and whispers around the place. I did not have to wonder for long however. He was a very nice man. He was a hard worker and had a great sense of humor. Within a month he had removed all the gay stigma just with his attitude and outlook on life. In the end all the men in the office pushed for him to be employed full time and he was invited to the local pub to drink with the boys. Even the big burly tattooed ones. Everybody loved him. At the pub the guys always joked with him about his sexuality but the jokes were in jest and he took them as good fun. If any of the other pub patrons decided to pick on him there would always be 5-10 big tough men who would jump to his defense. I am sure he would have got sick of hearing the same jokes over and over again but he seemed to be OK with jokes and the guys treated him as a genuine friend. I left the company a short time after but kept in touch with all of them including my new gay friend. One day I learned that he had been rushed to hospital. He had terminal cancer and only lasted for a few weeks after being admitted. I was so devastated. He was so young and such a nice guy who did not deserve to be taken so early. At the funeral I have never seen so many grown men cry.This man had touched all of them

    This is a sad story in some way but your post kind of reminds me of this guy. You say you don't have any gay friends. This means you have a group of heterosexual mates who have accepted you for who you are and the lifestyle you have chosen. I know many so straight men who have very few friends and are miserable.  I don't know your friends but I am guessing that their jokes and innuendo are not meant to be nasty. Its probably their way of trying to include you and they may not even realize that it sometimes gets you down.

    You say you just want to be normal. I suppose it depends on your definition of normal. You have a partner and friends. Sometimes your friends p*iss you off. Your life sounds pretty normal to me. Being normal has nothing to do with who you are attracted to but how you live your life. I know straight people trapped in miserable marriages who cant stand the sight of each other. I know straight friends who have been looking for the right partner for years without success. I know straight men and women who have no friends at all and who hate their lives. I have an anxiety disorder and there are some days when i fight just to get out of bed. I sometimes  wish i was normal too. Then I have a look at the world and realize that there are a lot of people doing it a lot worse than me.

    Don't feel bad about being gay. I know there is still a bit of stigma in certain parts of the community but it is getting better. You are who you are. Try not to be too hard on your friends. If there jokes are getting you down, let them know. they probably don't even realize. I don't know you but you sound pretty normal to me :-)

     Cheers

    Mbuna

  3. Chris B
    Community Manager
    • Works for beyondblue managing these forums. Not a mental health professional, but here to help. Email: christopher.banks@beyondblue.org.au
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Chris B avatar
    1757 posts
    13 February 2014 in reply to Athryn

    Hi Athryn,

    Welcome to the forums. I note in another post that you are also living with a combination of agoraphobia, anxiety and bipolar disorder, as well as occasional suicidal thoughts so I wanted to acknowledge the difficulty of managing that first and congratulate you on keeping things together. You might want to take a look at a new campaign on our website aimed at gay men, 'Take Action Before The Blue Takes Over'.

    It sounds as though your friends, while well-meaning, sometimes treat you as 'the gay one' in the group, and as Mbuna says they may not realise they are doing this. But ignorance can be just as offensive and alienating as outright prejudice; we can't flick a switch to change who we are.

    Have you tried to join any social groups where you and/or your partner could make some more gay friends? Depending on where you live, there are lots of different options available, from sports teams through to walking groups and groups that meet up to go out to the movies or have lunch.  There are also the social networking apps for gay men that can be used to find friends in your local area, they aren't just for guys looking for a relationship or to hook up.

    Hope this helps.

    PS. As a gay man I have been to a strip club once, also at a mate's bucks party.  I have never been to one since - why would I? :)

  4. Suzbj
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Suzbj avatar
    300 posts
    13 February 2014 in reply to Athryn
    Hi Athryn, Re you saying you wish you weren’t gay because of being made to feel different. You are gay. And being gay is exactly as normal as being heterosexual. If other people treat you as not normal then they are not normal J. I don’t know how many of my female friends including my friend who runs PFLAG here say, “God it would be good to be a Lesbian!” .. of course, we are having a dig at the fellas we meet and their lack of sensitivity! And I’m sure gay people do the same, “God I wish I was heterosexual!!! Re their relationships”.  Do you get what I’m saying. You are gay. Cool. I am heterosexual. Cool. What’s the difference? To tell you a little bit more about myself – and much to my immense shame. I am 52 and grew up in a time when being gay was not at all accepted and I think not legal??? I grew up in the 60s. Born 1961. I had never had anything to do with gay people until some adults took me into their home when I was homeless at 16yo. They had a son who was gay and in the theatre. I went to a party with them and met their son and other gay people. I must admit, I felt a bit odd at the time but only because a couple of the guys were more feminine and graceful than me (a clutz and not graceful ever). But I had a ball with them because they were really nice people. Nothing to do with being gay or not – so don’t think that was a factor. But I liked them as people. Then through my own traumatic years I got involved with fundamental religion. Gays are an abomination to God... rah rah rah. Without really understanding that or many things and being so lacking in confidence, I accepted the manipulation of males re the Bible. Then when I was 35yo I went to an Agoraphobic workshop thingy. Yes, I was agoraphobic since 23yo. Anyway, in this workshop was a gay guy I will never forget as long as I live. He grew up in a religious family. So from day one he fought who he was. Condemned in every way. He cried his eyes out and I cried my eyes out. I saw that I had blindly accepted the truth of someone else (the religion – and I was a party to condemning this man). I broke my heart over him, and apologised profusely, and I understood, for the first time that ignorance not only comes from fear, but from lack of self esteem. Allowing others to deem what is truth. From there, obviously, I gave religion a wide berth and still will have nothing to do with fundamental religion. Then I worked in a call centre between 2000 and 2008. Quite a few Lesbians and gay guys. They were mates. Not only with me but with straight guys and even other people from other cultures around the world like some Muslims (despite what is classified as being Muslim). Basically, we were all mates. And sexual gender didn’t come into it. Who cares what sexual gender you or I am? You are you and I am me and who gives a sh**? Looking forward to going to a PFLAG for the show in CQ soon with my good friend who runs it. Normal is you. Not normal is anyone who thinks or tries to make you think you are not normal. PS: Having said that, I have to confess. While I was in the call centre and since I have been adamant that people can call me ‘crazy’ any time, but don’t you dare call me ‘normal’.  J I want to be an individual not a clone. J J Cheers Suz xx
  5. Athryn
    Athryn avatar
    4 posts
    13 February 2014

    Thanks for the advise guys. I know that my friends aren't trying to be malicious in any way regarding my sexuality. I guess it's just all in my head. It's just that my sexuality comes up so much in conversation it feels like they think it's all I have to contribute.

    You're right Chris,  I do have agoraphobia, anxiety and bipolar which tends to make life a little difficult. I have thought about joining social groups in the gay community, there's even one here for people suffering from mental illness. Only problem is I have a partner that is a little, insecure and can be a little jealous as well as he can be a little socially awkward so he doesn't enjoy social gatherings at all. He too has bipolar which has made our relationship tense quite a few times in the past and I'm sure will again in the future. We do however have a great relationship and can discuss things quite open and honestly. We might just need to talk about this one a little more.

  6. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    15076 posts
    14 February 2014 in reply to Athryn

    dear Athryn, when you have anxiety as Christopher has mentioned then these comments are going to hit you pretty hard, and I would refer this as being a 'pecking order', in which as always the supposedly strong people have no qualms on picking on those who are different, and this is not only by sexuality, but an enormous amount of other aspects, such as wit, size, whether they are good looking or not and so on.

    I'm not sure whether or not you have the strength to tell these fellows to stop with all of this crap, the point has been made, so just let go, and rather don't associate with them.

    If you want to retaliate you can and by doing this is to find the ring leader and any flaws that he may have, and just briefly mention them, so the highlight on you will change over to him. ( this maybe edited out ? )

    Whatever sexuality you are is of no concern to anyone else, and no one says anything about the professional tennis players who are gay or lesbian, nor should they point out flaws that they maybe thinking about themselves.

    People try and make fun because I don't have a female in my life, that's my decision and I have my reasons, sure there are times when I would like to take out someone, but my sleeping hours forbid this, that's my problem no one else's. Geoff.

  7. Burger
    Burger avatar
    2 posts
    14 February 2014 in reply to Athryn
    Hey Athryn, I know how you feel. I came out nearly three years ago, and I STILL get **** for it! But don't worry about the haters, or any of the homophobic comments. They are only made because you are different from them, and that difference scares them. But being different is better than being like everyone else. Believe this saying, make it how you live your life, and things sould soon get better; 'those who mind, don't matter, and those who matter, don't mind.' This simple phrase has helped me through all the homophobic comments you can thing of and then some. You are a beautiful individual. Keep strong, and it will eventually get better. Stay cheerful love! :) xoxo

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