Sadly my first post has to be a unhappy one however my boyfriends anxiety and seasonal depression, alongside our moving across the country to California is starting to take a toll on me psychologically. I am beginning to think I am too sensitive, needy or blindly selfish to function in a way that won't negatively impact me.
My boyfriend has admitted he has extreme anxiety which results in him isolating himself in the bedroom and sleeping hours at a time to get rid of the buzzing. And in reference to his seasonal depression, God forbid he get a stuffy nose or else the world should be set on fire. The past year it seems that all I have learned is to build blanket forts on the bed for him and avoid him if I have the smallest f needs, like being told I am loved and being given some form of physical affection like a kiss or a hug once a day - but alas that seems to much to ask and ends up making me feel selfish just for asking. I am walking on pins and needles days at a time feeling invisible hands choke me all because of his inconsistent behavior that leaves me wondering if I should chock it up to his anxiety or if I did something wrong and he just wants to leave. You'd think after a year of living together I would figure it out by now.
Needless to say its gotten to the point where once a 3 day bought of depression starts, I start thinking of all the things he is going to say to end the relationship, or that he is not happy anymore and has been with someone else. Then one day he will snap out of it and ask for sex or attention like he was never mentally absent. It's far more difficult to balance than I thought, especially for someone as sensitive as I am who desires a one daily second of affirmative intimacy.
What's worse is my frustration in trying to understand why if he is so aware of his illness, why he can't be aware enough to do things to alleviate my worry and/or concern. I've convinced myself I should be happy that he is willing to show me his true colors, but it's so not fair when our roommate walks in the door and he becomes a completely different, bubbly person around them. I assume it's because he puts on a show, regardless I wish sometimes he would give me a break and put on a show for me. I hate feeling like a great boyfriend one second and a useless piece of annoying trash the next. And it's pointless to talk to him, because no "I feel" statements make a difference. I feel like I have to suck it up or be ready for an argument.