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Forums / Sexuality and gender identity / Its all hit me like a ton of bricks

Topic: Its all hit me like a ton of bricks

2 posts, 0 answered
  1. Re
    Re avatar
    1 posts
    16 February 2014

    There is so much going on that I don't even know where to start. I'm not looking to come here for a whine but I need somewhere because it's all building up inside me and some day I feel like I can't even breath.

    About 4 months ago I broke up for my male partner of 10 years. I did this because for 2 years before the relationship ended I knew I was gay. I was also in love with a girl from my university. The day I broke up with my boyfriend I went round to her house at around midnight. I left a letter on her doorstep explaining my feelings for her and saying that I understood she may not feel the same. But I need to tell her because it was killing me. We talk about it and the conversation was dropped somewhat. I assumed she was not interested and that was fine. I understood. Following breaking up with my boyfriend I had to find a new place to live. I found one within a week. It was cozy and quite with a lovely girl. But 2 days after I moved in she tried to commit suicide. I had to call the police and ambulance for her. It was very distressing for both of us. about 2 weeks after moving in she stated that she could not stay on the lease with me. She felt she had too much going on. So I had 1 week to find a new house. And I did. A little room in a big student share house with 10 others. much different to what I was used to. I didn't know anyone and didn't know the rules of the house. I felt very alone. In a rage one evening on my way to work I reversed my car into a concrete wall. I don''t have the money to pay for it yet. Soon after all this I decided it might be time to tell my father I was gay. I did this and he asked me to "get the **** out of my house" and come back when I "sorted myself out". I was shocked and so disappointed. He didn't call me for almost 3 weeks. Then about 5 days ago he rang me and told me he was getting a divorce. He said he couldn't do it anymore and threatened to commit suicide. So I drove out to him. He didnt end doing it, he sat and had a smoke. I left him with family nad went back to university. It was the day before Valentines and the girl I liked was still going to the same classes. She was having such a bad week so I decided to buy her some flowers and have them sent anonymously. She was so happy to get them, but it didn't take her long to figure out it was me. She asked me in a message why I had sent them. So I told her that I still had feelings for her, and that I wanted her to have a nice surprise, but that I was trying to keep out of her way because I knew she wasn't really interested in me. I have been waiting for a reply to this message for almost 2 days now. I think it was a mistake to get flowers. And I think I have ruined our friendship. 

     

    I feel so lost. And I don't understand how all this could have possibly happened at once. I have never had drama in my life. I wasn't ever expecting to be gay, but it just happened and now I don't know how to handle everything that has happened.

    I don't expect answers. Just a friendly ear.

     

  2. JessF
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    JessF avatar
    1548 posts
    18 February 2014 in reply to Re

    Hello Re, this is the home of friendly ears so you have come to the right place. That is an awful lot of intense things to happen in a short space of time. Having a housemate attempt suicide, and then your father threaten to do it, after reacting so badly to your coming out... how is he now? How is the rest of your family, do you have some support there?

    It sounds like things have struck out with the girl you liked. We've all made the mistake where we've liked someone, they haven't liked us back, and we've 'shown our hand' and then felt foolish. Sometimes it is awkward to be just friends after a situation like that, but I think it's the risk we take when we have feelings for someone and put ourselves out there.  There will be more special someones.

    Can you get any counselling through uni? It would be good for you to have some professional emotional support to talk you through the dramatic times you have been having, so it doesn't start to impact on your studies.

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