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Topic: Marraige

6 posts, 0 answered
  1. starfish123
    starfish123 avatar
    1 posts
    26 April 2020

    Hello everyone,

    I am pretty new at this. I am in my late 20's and a single female.

    My family are very traditional, and would have liked me to be married in my early 20's. I have been in relationships with three men and two women. I had always known I was attracted to women, but I never intended to act on it. The two women I was with kind of just happened.. wasn't my intention.

    I know that the relationships with men didn't feel as strong, but I still am attracted to men and feel I will end up marrying a guy as that's what my family want. They don't know I've been with women. And I'd love to "follow my heart" and be with a woman but I honestly don't see that happening in my future. Is marrying a man something I may regret..

    I feel depressed and anxious as my family want me to settle down already, and are putting gentle pressure on me..

    1 person found this helpful
  2. geoff
    Life Member
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    geoff avatar
    15054 posts
    27 April 2020 in reply to starfish123

    Hello Starfish, and welcome to the forums.

    Sometimes our family want and expect us to do what they anticipate and scorn what may
    not be appropriately decided only by tractional and family values, but you need to look after yourself, simply because everyone is different, your ambitions and intentions of what you want to achieve in life can't be repeated exactly by another person.

    Happiness in life is crucial and something we are looking for.

    Best wishes.


    1 person found this helpful
  3. CalmCat
    Champion Alumni
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    CalmCat avatar
    354 posts
    30 May 2020

    Hey Guys,

    I saw this forum title and had to write something as marriage has been on my mind.

    I'm a gay, single, male, 34. I'm currently being looked after by my parents due to a foot operation (have to have my foot elevated 23 hours a day). I've been thinking to myself, that when I get older I want someone to care for and they care for me. I really hope I find a loved one.

    I'm sure falling in love and being love is great for our mental health - gay or straight.

    Just thought I'd write a full thought.



    1 person found this helpful
  4. I've messed up
    I've messed up avatar
    1 posts
    7 August 2020

    OK firstly I must qualify by saying this is my first ever post on here. I joined as I am in need of some help myself. I stumbled upon your post however and couldn't go past it as I think I can offer some advice based on experience.

    I am a gay man and have always known it - since I was a teen. I married my best friend (female in the 1990's when I was in my 20's as that is "what was expected" by my family and society. At the time I didn't regret the decision at all as I wanted a family and the only way I could see to do that was to be with a woman. And marrying my best friend - well what could go wrong there?

    So what has gone wrong is that my sexuality has slowly been eating away at me for the past 20 something years and I haven't acknowledged it creeping up on me. Then to my own horror, I did the unthinkable a couple of years ago - I had an affair - with a man. There was a lot going on in my life at the time, but I was well aware of what I was doing and put the blame squarely on myself. It wasn't the fault of my lover or my work or my health issues - it was my fault for not acknowledging from the start my true desires.

    Now some 27 years after meeting my then future wife for the first time, and looking down the barrel of hitting the ripe old age of 50 soon, I have realised that I made the biggest mistake of my life. I followed what everyone else wanted - not what I wanted. I was too scared to do what I wanted in fear of reprisal. The result is that now I am "stuck" in a relationship that I can't see holding together for much longer. To follow my true desires, I now need to make the next step beyond the unthinkable affair and essentially destroy my family - the family that I have loved and nurtured for so many years.

    It is almost at the time where I will have to pull the pin and cop whatever fallout it causes, but I now so wish that I had followed my true self way back then, than have to do it now when it is so much more damaging to everyone.

    Yes, I am in a pretty crappy place right now and I am struggling to see the best way through that causes the least collateral damage, but if my advice is worth a dime, I say to you - follow your heart, no one else's. In the long run it will be for the best. If you do what you really want, then those that truly love you will follow and stand by you. Those that leave you are not friends.

    If you don't follow your heart, then it will catch up with you one day and life's struggles will be very different then.

    2 people found this helpful
  5. CalmCat
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
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    CalmCat avatar
    354 posts
    7 August 2020 in reply to I've messed up

    Hi I've messed up,

    Firstly thank you for such a open, vulnerable and heartfelt first post.

    I honestly haven't felt so touched by a post, as I just was with yours. You are so true when you write "Those that leave you are not friends." - here here!

    I'm so glad that your journey of life is bringing you the smile from good fortune that you deserve.

    Again thank you for your first post, and I truly hope to see you more on the forums. Have a spectacular weekend.



    1 person found this helpful
  6. ecomama
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    ecomama avatar
    4510 posts
    7 August 2020 in reply to starfish123

    Hi starfish123

    I'm not sure if you are confused about your sexuality or feel some % gay/straight or know that you are pretty much gay. If you feel that talking this through with a Counsellor who specialises in sexuality would help you then that would be awesome for you.

    If you KNOW you are firmly attracted to women then I would hold up all people pushing me into the 'man/ woman' marriage thing right now.

    Being true to yourself and allowing yourself to BE that person will also allow you to be truly loved. You can be authentic and happy.

    The alternative is to attempt to deceive yourself and a man you marry which can only lead to misery for you both.

    YOU can have children with another woman. You can be married and have a family.
    These are the rights we have fought for for years.

    Please don't deny yourself and another wonderful person a deep connection, happiness and fulfilment. If you want this for yourself ofcourse.

    Best wishes

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