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Forums / Sexuality and gender identity / Married confused and bisexual

Topic: Married confused and bisexual

3 posts, 0 answered
  1. Even heroes all
    Even heroes all avatar
    1 posts
    28 December 2018

    I am a happily married man to the woman of my dreams, she is supportive but I am unsure.

    I have told my wife I think I am bisexual, she is very supportive and we have even had a threesome with another guy to see if it's my thing. I loved it by the way.

    It has been almost 12mths since our little experiment and we haven't done anything else like it since. She keeps making jokes about me being gay in front of her family and making me uncomfortable about it all as I am very private about it and she is the only one o have told ever but she goes on to the point I start hating myself for it and pull away from her, treat her differently and it starts to course agruements because of the way I feel. I have asked her to stop doing it over and over again with no change.

    I think about the threesome all the time and recently started really wanting a same sex encounter again. But how can I trust her to not belittle me about it when she says she is supportive and happy for me to do so.

    I dont want to feel trapped as I love my wife and are very attracted to her still and want my marriage to work and last forever.

    But how can I move forward without losing her or myself

    Thanks in advance

    2 people found this helpful
  2. Croix
    Community Champion
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    Croix avatar
    10207 posts
    29 December 2018 in reply to Even heroes all

    Dear Even heroes all~

    I'd like to welcome yo uhere and think it was a pretty good move to seek other's experiences and views.

    While I know your wife has said she wants to support you and may in all honesty believe that she is doing so there can be a difference between what a person thinks they should do and how they feel inside. Even when they act according to what they think is right a pretty profound affect can have taken place.

    While frankly I'm guessing I think it may be possible for your wife to have felt a massive loss of self-confidence, and felt very inadequate, while at the same time feeling that she may have lost at least part of your love. She may also feel alone and the need for support from family or freinds too.

    While she may well go along with your wishes, and I would think the threesome might be an attempt to do that - maybe at great sacrifice - it does not mean that a degree of resentment and anger is not there. That could be coming out in those remarks she makes. It could also be a try to get support.

    Can I ask that while you have already explained how you feel, have you asked her how she feels inside? It may be that it wold be too hard for her to just open up to you at this stage, perhaps couples counseling - with an experienced councilor, might help

    What do you think?

    Croix

    3 people found this helpful
  3. Quercus
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    Quercus avatar
    3538 posts
    3 January 2019 in reply to Even heroes all

    Hi Even Heroes All and welcome to the forums.

    It will be good to see how you feel about Croix's reply. He raises some solid questions and ideas.

    My gut feelings about your wife while reading your post was "lashing out in defense" and perhaps "feeling rejected/no longer good enough".

    The very fact that your wife was open to the threesome and accepting of your need to experiment and find yourself is such a gift to you. Many would not be able to do this. Myself for example... One of my hard limits is involving others.

    I wonder whether your wife is hurting and lashing out? It is not right that she is making fun and making you feel uncomfortable in front of her family. But I wonder if Croix has a point and perhaps she is trying to ask her family for help? I think often people make jokes to say how they truly feel and test how people respond while being able to say they were just joking.

    Do you think she might be afraid you will decide you are gay not just bisexual? Perhaps that you will leave her when you meet a man you want to be with?

    There are also some vital questions to ask yourself (and then your wife)....

    Was the threesome a one off agreement in your mind?

    Had you discussed this as a sexuality experiment or a lifestyle change for you as a family?

    Do you want third parties in your relationship? If so what are both of your rules and limits? What do you not want to happen?

    What happens if you have children? How will you manage this as a couple? What will you tell your kids?

    What can be discussed with others? What is private only for yourselves?

    What does your wife need to be reassured she is the partner you commit to?

    This question is cruel I'm so sorry but important to think hard about...

    It happens all the time... People wanting passion and experimentation and to be themselves sexually... but also wanting to control their public and professional image. Not out themselves so to speak.

    What reassurance can you give your wife so she knows you are not using her?

    I agree that counselling is a very good idea. It could also help to seek out information online (as a couple) to see how other couples reassure eachother.

    There is no shame in being bisexual. No judgement here either we all have needs and desires. I admire deeply how you have had the courage to ask not only your wife but also this community. I hope others are able to reply soon and support you.

    I hope you and your wife can find a way to balance both of your needs.

    Nat

    1 person found this helpful

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