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Forums / Sexuality and gender identity / Married with two Kids and Bi

Topic: Married with two Kids and Bi

16 posts, 0 answered
  1. Cal1
    Cal1 avatar
    10 posts
    7 January 2018

    Hi there, I suppose I’m just looking for some advice, I’m also using this to vent my thoughts and feelings because I feel as though I’m going to burst.
    I am 30 years old and have been married for 5 years and we have two amazing kids, a boy and a girl who are 4 and 1 years old respectively. I am Bi and I have always known this since secondary school but have been ashamed to admit it to anyone, even myself. I think the reason for not coming out was due to my upbringing, my father was violent and always made derogatory comments about gay people. I was scared. I love my wife but I feel like our relationship has grown into more of a friendship. I adore my kids and i don’t know what to do. I gathered up the courage the night before last, heart was pounding, palms were sweaty and I told my aunty via messenger. She was really supportive but this is our secret. I don’t want to break my family up. I don’t want my wife to have to go and look for work to keep up the house. I want to see my kids all the time and not see them only a couple of times per week, I love our routines. I don’t want somebody else moving in and spending more time with them than me, their dad. I don’t want to upset anyone, I feel terrible. I don’t know what to do, whether to stay this way to keep my wife a kids happy. But now that I’ve accepted who I am, I also want to explore a life with men. I’m also stupid, to make things easier for myself, I set up a fake email account and emailed my wife pretending to me some interested fella in her, she did the honest thing and told me about it. I thought is she said she wanted to meet this fictional man then I would have an excuse to leave. I have also been chatting to men on Grindr and find it addictive and fuels the fire even more. I am my wife’s third husband, she is 15 years older than me. She’s settled down, I haven’t. I want more but enjoy the family life, the routine, the smiles on my kids faces. I’m lost my job in 2016 so aim doing a PhD now and if I left I can’t afford to live anywhere else, I know it’s a selfish thought but I’d have nowhere to go, my family would not be accepting of me but I can get over that. It’s my kids and what this will do to my wife that I’m worried about. Any advice, similar experience etc would really help. Thanks for listening.

    Also I’m new here and have mistakenly also put this post in the welcome and orientation part of the website and not sure how to remove it, sorry.

    1 person found this helpful
  2. Cal1
    Cal1 avatar
    10 posts
    7 January 2018 in reply to Cal1
    Another thought of mine is, do i not tell her I’m Bi and try to get a divorce anyway saying that I just just care for her as a friendship. Would that be easier.
    1 person found this helpful
  3. Just Sara
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    Just Sara avatar
    3398 posts
    7 January 2018 in reply to Cal1

    Hey again Cal;

    It's great you've opened your own thread. Please don't worry about the other section, I'll leave a msg for mod's.

    To address your post; it seems you've spent most of it talking about what you 'don't' want. How about discussing what you 'do' want. Try to only include yourself, as no-one can speak for your wife and children, only they can.

    I'd also suggest you speak with a counsellor or psychologist about what's happening. There are so many issues to work thru, it'd be a positive step to seek support; maybe your GP can help. When I was confused about my sexuality my GP was a gem.

    It's pretty late so I might leave things here ok. It's good to see you back writing it out and asking for help. Kudos!

    Till next time..

    Sez

  4. Cal1
    Cal1 avatar
    10 posts
    7 January 2018 in reply to Just Sara

    Thanks very much Sez and thanks for the advice. I am an extremely sensitive person and get depressed easily, I just don’t want to hurt anyone. Yeah it’s late, I hope you get a good nights sleep :)

    Cal

    1 person found this helpful
  5. geoff
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    geoff avatar
    15319 posts
    7 January 2018 in reply to Cal1
    hi Cal, one way or another you are going to live a different life, because if you get a divorce then you will only get to see your kids every second weekend, where eventually they will find out, whereas if you come clean and tell your wife what are your options, she accepts it and only wants to live under the same roof for the kids sake, wants to separate or wants to divorce you.

    One way or another you can't pretend to live a life that isn't true, because what happens if you meet a guy and fall in love with him, then your situation will only become worse. Geoff.
  6. Cal1
    Cal1 avatar
    10 posts
    7 January 2018 in reply to geoff
    I understand Geoff and thank you very much for your thoughts. It just, in my head at the minute either decision I make is going to cause severe upset. I’m trying to weigh up everything, do I choose my family and sacrifice my feelings or do I sacrifice my family and choose my feelings. I love them all very much, I feel selfish. Three lives turned upside down for my one. Three people devistated or just the one (me). I have a battle going on inside, sometimes I say to myself, it’s maybe best to come out whilst the kids are as little as they are, maybe easier for them growing up rather than leaving it till their older. I also have a step son, whose 10, and she has an older son at home whose 22. If I do this now, I’ll struggle, probably become depressed and it will affect my studies. Do i wait till my studies are over after 3 years, could i wait that long, I don’t know. I am also conscious of the fact I’m not getting any younger and want to experience things whilst I’m young-ish. At the minute when I look at my kids I just well up, thinking I may not see these family times again, see them being funny, having a laugh, is all dancing together. Is me coming out worth loosing all this? These are the questions I’m asking myself.
  7. geoff
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    geoff avatar
    15319 posts
    7 January 2018 in reply to Cal1
    hi Cal, the way you are feeling then the 3 years of studies may not eventuate and I don't think you want to leave your kids, they are too small and that would devastate you even further.

    If you decided to leave would you take the kids with you, because there seems to be a sticking point in your situation. Geoff.
  8. Cal1
    Cal1 avatar
    10 posts
    7 January 2018 in reply to geoff

    Thanks for the response Geoff.

    No I wouldn’t be able to take the kids because I’d be at uni and won’t be there to look after them and nor would I ever take them away from their mother, she is a fantastic mother. I think I’m going to be stuck in limbo. Not wanting to hurt anyone.

  9. marcus_c
    marcus_c avatar
    92 posts
    8 January 2018 in reply to Cal1

    Hi Cal, my advice is to you is that you are only 30 years old. I know 3 years can feel like a long time when you've been in the closet your whole life and you want to explore what's out there. Your feelings are important, but your circumstances sound difficult.

    Coming out is never easy, and there is never a 'right' time to do it. That said, some times are better than others, and from what you are saying, you will be in a better position to deal with the fallout if you wait till your degree is finished. 33 is not old by any means. Many people come out later than that.

    I know lots of gay or bi dads who have maintained good relationships with their ex wives and children after a divorce, this is no different to a straight couple that divorces. As I said, it won't be easy. But I don't think you want to be looking back when you're 70 and thinking 'if only', or worse, cheating on your wife and her finding out that way.

    2 people found this helpful
  10. Cal1
    Cal1 avatar
    10 posts
    8 January 2018 in reply to marcus_c
    Thanks very much for your thoughts Marcus. I think I will leave it till after uni, I just know she knows something is up, and what do I say when she asks, do I lie? That’s what i’m asking myself just now. But I agree with what you are saying :)
  11. Cal1
    Cal1 avatar
    10 posts
    8 January 2018 in reply to Cal1

    I feel guilty about stringing her along for the next three years. Waiting until I’ve graduated to give our family a better life, only for that to be ruined. I feel like a user.

  12. marcus_c
    marcus_c avatar
    92 posts
    8 January 2018
    It's really hard to know what to say to you, Cal. If she has noticed that something is up, then it sounds like your anxiety is getting hard to contain. What makes you think she is worried?
  13. Cal1
    Cal1 avatar
    10 posts
    9 January 2018 in reply to marcus_c
    It’s just the way she looks at me. Since i’ve accepted who I am I’ve been more distant from her by choice, only because I don’t want to get her hopes up that we’re okay. I feel horrible, she has never come to me and give me cuddles or anything it’s always been me who goes to her but I’ve stopped doing it. I’ve stopped doing all the silly little things because I don’t want to make her feel close to me when I could potentially break her heart.
  14. marcus_c
    marcus_c avatar
    92 posts
    10 January 2018 in reply to Cal1

    Then it sounds like her change in behaviour is a reaction to a change in yours. You mentioned before that your marriage feels like a friendship more than a reomantic relationship.

    I know it's more complicated than this, but maybe think about how you would treat a friend. Things are going to be hard when the truth comes out anyway. Is there anything to be gained by creating anxiety now as well?

  15. Landon
    Landon avatar
    4 posts
    4 February 2018 in reply to Cal1

    Cal,

    thanks for sharing. I’ve been in the exact same position, so I come from a familiar view point. I ended a 7 year marriage and I have two children under 6. It was terribly difficult. I was also studying atm too finishing of degree for a new career. It was very tough. First of all I spoke to a LGBT friendly GP. I could hardly go to the family doctor to discuss this! He was wonderful and referred me on to a psychologist that was experienced in this field. These meetings helped me clarify what was right for me. Putting aside the emotion of hurting other people and my children for a second. To cut a long story short - I was able to clarify what I wanted in life moving forward and then we worked through the heart breaking stuff. 2 years on, its much better. I do get to see my children regularly and I play a big part in their lives. Sure, not a day goes by where I don’t think I should have been honest long ago, however, life’s indeed a journey. My wife and I love our children, sure, she was hurt for a long time and is only really now seeing that it can be ok and that life moves forward the way you both choose it too. It can be traumatic and hurtful or you can slowly work things out so not all is lost. Hope this helps - I’m about to head to work, sorry for the shortish response - happy to keep chatting or to answer more specific questions for you if you respond.

    take care,

    Landon

  16. Display2
    Display2 avatar
    1 posts
    16 February 2018 in reply to Cal1

    I feel like I'm reading exactly about myself,it's has taken me back a little ,to read someone is in the exact sam position honestly made me think more it's nice to know I'm not the only one, your words are put perfect I was going to write a post and didn't know where to start

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