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Forums / Sexuality and gender identity / Middle Aged Transgender and Newly Out

Topic: Middle Aged Transgender and Newly Out

7 posts, 0 answered
  1. DestinyZeppelin
    DestinyZeppelin avatar
    5 posts
    9 April 2018

    I'm just gonna plunge right in here...

    I'm Cheyne, I'm 42 with a teenage daughter and a male partner... and in the very recent past realised I am FtM transgender.

    How on earth did that happen, I hear you ask.

    I was AFAB, and conformed to the female gender typicalities merely because other people told me I was a girl. I was never really *comfortable* with the idea, but went along to get along. Even as a kid, I preferred short hair, mud, Lego and the few friends I had were boys. I'd run around on weekends in shorts with no shirt on and no shoes on, then Monday would come and I would have to wear a school dress for five days in a row. I hated that dress, but I got used to it.

    Puberty hit at 11 and I immediately told my paediatrician that my newly budding boobs hurt and looked ugly and I didn't want them. He laughed and said that most girls were upset at "that age" and that I would get used to them. I still hate my boobs. But he was right. I got used to them.

    Every boy I dated in high school was either an unrealised homosexual or if he did suspect, he was closeted. I just always preferred those kinds of guys.

    So anyway, it turns out that yes, I am a transman, I'm gay and I have issues....

    3 people found this helpful
  2. Just Sara
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    Just Sara avatar
    3398 posts
    9 April 2018 in reply to DestinyZeppelin

    Welcome, welcome, welcome dear Cheyne!

    What a pleasure it was to read your well articulated post. You've covered so much in such a short space; some would be totally envious.

    It seems I already know so much about you from the 'feel' behind your words; it's enticing. I'm a fan for a few reasons; you're open, honest, proud and intelligent - a great combination for this forum.

    I want to know more; I need to know more. I have questions rolling around my brain that desire attention. lol Listen to me will you? This is about you not me. I digress...

    You don't mention any mental health problems, though with trans issues it seems to come with the territory. Do you have psych support and friends/family to talk to? I hope so...

    I'd love to hear about your journey to self discovery and realising/accepting your truth. (As well as where you are in your life and transition) I'm also wondering who you want your forum audience to be and what you'd like to achieve while here.

    The question running thru me atm, is what alerted you to being trans instead of having a dominant tom-boy leaning. I'm asking because your story strongly resembles my own.

    My sis and I joke about how many gay bf's I've had. I played male dominated sports and was even registered as a player in a men's A grade soccer team in my early 20's. Was given 'best/fairest' award once.

    I identify as bi, but there's been issues with this. 'Nuff said.

    Thankyou hun for posting. I hope I can be as helpful and interesting as you've been for me.

    Love to chat soon;

    Kind thoughts;

    Sez

    2 people found this helpful
  3. DestinyZeppelin
    DestinyZeppelin avatar
    5 posts
    9 April 2018 in reply to Just Sara

    Hi Sez, thanks for the welcome and the flattery. I only hope I can keep up the premise of intelligence...

    Oh honey, mental health issues I got 'em. I'm a clinical depression and general anxiety ice cream sundae with autism spectrum disorder sprinkles and a side of sensory processing disorder. Not only do I not fit into any societal boxes,.

    I knew I wasn't just a tomboy when I looked at my first penis at the age of 17 and automatically thought "Ooh! I want one!"Being Aspie, I just thought that was part of my - idiosyncrasies - and squashed it. I was a *girl*, dammit! At the age of about 18 I started identifying as non-binary though, because I knew I wasn't *strictly* female. Lately though I see other men on the street and think "I want to look like that". I'm right at the beginning of my transition, pre-op and pre-T, with a referral to my first gender therapy appointment in my hot little hand.

    I will welcome any interaction as far as audience goes, I can talk to pretty much anyone. At least online. I'm generally not a people person IRL, but stick me behind a keyboard and watch me never shut up.

    I've had four serious relationships in my life - not counting my current marriage - and three of those four men now have husbands. I always thought I just had a type, that again the Aspie Factor was coming into play, but no - turns out the heart knew what my brain refused to acknowledge. On top of that, my partner now is a hetero cisman. I am a homo transman. There are issues to deal with.

    I was never into sports as a kid, I was more of a musician and drama geek - but my deeper voice range placed me in with the tenor boys. Yet another red flag that I probably should have registered.

    Yes, I have a child, and there's a reason she's an only child. I got pregnant, because, well, that's what women did. I HATED BEING PREGNANT. I HATED EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY OF BEING PREGNANT. I don't hate my daughter, of course, I just hate that I had to birth her.

    Oh, and FWIW, my name is pronounced "Shane" (you'd be surprised how many people have no idea)

    Thanks for asking,

    Cheyne

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Just Sara
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    Just Sara avatar
    3398 posts
    11 April 2018 in reply to DestinyZeppelin

    Hey Cheyne;

    I'm sorry for the long absence before responding. I've had issues to deal with; comes with the territory I'm afraid.

    Ok, first cab off the rank - Cisman; I asked Dr Google and read as much as I could; still confused. All I got out of it was, a heterosexual that doesn't identify as homosexual, transsexual or male. (my interpretation) Sigh... HELP!

    You sound like you're in a good place and know who you are. Wow, what a diagnosis hun. Here's some fun, how about writing a humorous sentence that describes all your quirks. I love to challenge...

    Me? Smokes to deal with giving up smoking, a ritualistic procrastinator, a mad scientist without a lab, an intellectual with a broken brain and a member of the Justice League without a cause!

    I love the way you can articulate things to cover so much ground. Very envious; and you're welcome for the compliments btw. :-)

    Pregnancy must've challenged you to the hilt. I have a son who's 28 but doesn't see me much. Love him to death the little shit! I had a hard trial with him when he was a tot; I caught my friend sexually abusing him. It triggered my own abuse too; the rest is history so they say.

    We're both ok so don't be concerned. I've done my time and am in recovery; praise baby Jesus! No, I'm not religious; pragmatic and Darwin driven to the core.

    Anyway, your progress and mindset's great for the upcoming process. Don't forget, I'm always here to rant or purge to when things hit a sore spot ok. Apart from all my crap, I'm a caring and compassionate gal.

    Getting to know you is a pleasure. Thankyou for the comparison re tomboy vs trans stuff too. That grey area for me has been somewhat confusing. I appreciate your open and honest style of communication.

    Till next time;

    Kind thoughts;

    Sez x

  5. DestinyZeppelin
    DestinyZeppelin avatar
    5 posts
    13 April 2018 in reply to Just Sara

    Me again. Just passed my first hurdle and got a referral to the gender clinic. So my journey begins.

    Cisman - a male who identifies with his gender assigned at birth ie: not trans. This basically means that my partner is straight, knows he is a man, and his body reflects his gender identification.

    My challenge sentence: I am a homosexual transman with ASD*, GID*, GAD*, SPD* and a headache. In short, I'm a boy who loves other boys but I have a female body, and I don't fit into any of your societal boxes either physically or mentally, but please don't talk about it because I will cry and hide and don't touch me either, just bring me an Aspirin.

    *ASD - Autism Spectrum Disorder

    *GID - Gender Identity Disorder

    *GAD - General Anxiety Disorder

    *SPD - Sensory Processing Disorder

    Cheyne x

    1 person found this helpful
  6. Just Sara
    Champion Alumni
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    Just Sara avatar
    3398 posts
    14 April 2018 in reply to DestinyZeppelin

    Dear Cheyne;

    I understand your gender, sexuality and diagnoses are a huge part of your world. It's not my intention to trigger you or 'dig' ok.

    Thankyou too for info on Cis; it helped.

    And I'm sorry; I use humour sometimes to deflect. It's my way of trying to lighten your load.

    I'll leave you to your pain killers and to reflect on your process. Stay true to you and don't allow silliness from me to disturb your balance or focus.

    Warm and gentle thoughts;

    Sez xo

  7. Enola Reverof
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    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Enola Reverof avatar
    1 posts
    17 April 2018

    Hi Cheyne,

    I’ve just turned 44, been out as trans since late 2016, and an absolute psychologist dream/nightmare...

    Clinical depression, BPD with OCD and tics, PTSD, learning and processing disorders, chronic health issues...you name it, I got dipped in that bucket.

    Totally willing to talk to you if you want to talk with someone who completely gets your situation. No offence intended to non LGBTI individuals or otherwise.

    D

    2 people found this helpful

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