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Forums / Sexuality and gender identity / My moral dilemma

Topic: My moral dilemma

8 posts, 0 answered
  1. DGorBust
    DGorBust avatar
    2 posts
    16 September 2018
    40yo IT professional. Together with my wife for 16 years, married for 13, 9yo daughter, 6yo son. A good life.. Highly stressful job, heavily relied upon at times. But good coin, no worries about how to pay the mortgage or fill up the car, or any of that. We travel overseas every year.. We have a caravan so we can get away every other long weekend. Good times. I love my kids so much.


    But lets cut to the chase and be, and no pun intended, straight… I’ve always been bi-curious. I’ve never allowed myself to fully believe it, or admit it, until recently. I have now fully accepted it.

    In hindsight it was plainly obvious. Clear as day. I just never allowed myself to accept it because I wanted the easy life. Therefor I never allowed myself to own up to who i truly am. That would make life difficult. The stigma, the taboo. It’s not that my family would’ve have supported me.. but I didn’t feel accepted by society. Bear in mind I’m thinking back 30 years here.

    So now here I am. I’ve admitted I’m very much bisexual to myself, and that feels good.. and also bad, and confusing.. I’m married with kids now. I want to stop fantasising and want to experience. I want to know. But I don’t think I can. It feels morally reprehensible. My wife, my kids, my family, my friends. I’d be cheating on all of them.

    Then there are times… times when I think “one life, so live it”. I hate myself for these times. I can’t let myself break my vows. I made them in front of our family, our friends, and being a religious ceremony, God. I’m more Agnostic than anything, but still, it is what it is. So all this wins out, and I’ve always remained true.

    I can hear all the responses before even putting this out there.. just talk about it. Open up. Blah-de-f-ing-blah. I also know how that will end too. not well btw. But it’s probably something I’d like to think I’d admit to if the opportunity arrises.

    these fantasies come though, they’re driving me nuts. I don’t feel shame for my attractions or my fantasies. I’m proud of every aspect of who I am, and what I’ve achieved.

    I think what I’m struggling with is I wish i knew this before now, before kids, before marriage. So I could experience this, lived out my fantasies. Got this out of my mind or knew for sure where I fit.

    Now I feel trapped. I could easily do it. Try this out and no one would any the wiser. But would I hate myself even more for doing so. Or should I live with potential regret for not acting sooner for the rest of my life.
  2. BDSA
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    BDSA avatar
    5 posts
    17 September 2018 in reply to DGorBust

    Hi DGorBust,

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. I'm a female, married for 7.5 years I can quite relate to this but my fantasies about other women aren't that strong as yours that I want to act on them, at the moment.

    I'm going through a similar dilemma though, but regarding another man, who is currently arousing me very much and I'm thinking exactly the same thing as you: I want to but I would hate myself for doing it.

    I know it isn't much help to you right now, but sometimes, knowing that there is someone else out there in a similar situation, brings a bit of comfort that we are not alone in our struggles.

    Just out of curiosity, are you interested in experimenting by yourself or could/would you be willing to involve your wife in the process? Perhaps that's a middle ground to allow yourself to do this without breaking your vows.

    Hopefully, there are others out there who can offer better counsel than me.

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Doolhof
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Doolhof avatar
    8752 posts
    17 September 2018 in reply to DGorBust

    Hi DGorBust,

    Welcome to the forum. Recently there has been a thread by another member entitled something like " Should I tell my wife I am gay?" You may find it beneficial to have a read of this thread and consider what has been shared there.

    I wish I could give you the correct title, only if I try to go and find it, I may loose this thread and get completely confused!

    Your feelings must be very confusing and contradictory. Throw in a marriage, an idea about God and consideration of how others will react compared to what you feel you want, and I can imagine it all gets a little muddled.

    Hopefully you can find that thread I have tried to direct you to, or others may be able to lead you there more clearly!

    From Dools

    1 person found this helpful
  4. C4
    C4 avatar
    107 posts
    17 September 2018 in reply to BDSA
    Hi there as someone who came out 15 months ago after being married for 16 years I often wonder what it would have been like if I done it earlier but I didn’t want to act on it and cheat on my wife as I took my vows seriously but I’m the end I couldn’t deal with the mental stress anymore so I did tell her and she was hurt by it . She now forgives me which is nice and I haven’t had any negative reactions at all it’s just me accepting it that’s hard sometimes. Everyone has there own way of dealing with the thoughts and actions they decide on so there’s no right or wrong way it’s just your way . I’m sorry I can’t offer any more in the way of advice only to say it’s your decision on what road you take with this and it may be hard st first and you will have good and bad days but be who you want to be as it’s your personal journey just know that you have support of many wonderful people on here to help guide you through it . Craig
    1 person found this helpful
  5. DGorBust
    DGorBust avatar
    2 posts
    17 September 2018

    Thank you BDSA, CA and doolhof. I know in my heart I wouldn’t be able to go behind my wife’s back and cheat on her. I will always remain honorable and true to my vows as these are super important to me and how I see myself. I wouldn’t be able to look at myself in the mirror if I did.

    Im so grateful for this forum. It feels like a safe place where I can express my feelings and emotions and not be judged for them and find others going through similar/same issues. It really has done me the world of good to get this out there to real people and get some feedback.

    What I do from here though is the million dollar question. Even though I got my thoughts down and out there, which is a fairly big step, I’m just as if not more confused than before. Kinda feels like when you get a song stuck in your head.. if you listen to it and sing it out, it’s gone. But feels like the opposite has happened in saying all this.

    in any event, my kids and family will always come first, and before living out any fantasies. Hopefully an opportunity arises so I can openly discuss this with my wife. Until then I guess I’ll just stay safe and remain content keeping them as fantasies.

  6. C4
    C4 avatar
    107 posts
    17 September 2018 in reply to DGorBust
    It will take time to process everything before you decide on how your going to proceed but maybe you should read Only I Knows post which I’ve added to and is the same as you and me with the common link of being married. His story is great and others have added to it as well and we’re all supportive of each other . Hope to hear from you soon ok
  7. Doolhof
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Doolhof avatar
    8752 posts
    19 September 2018 in reply to DGorBust

    Hi DGorBust,

    You have received a wonderful post from C4. It may be beneficial to read other posts that are similar to yours and read the thoughts people have shared about their experiences.

    Embarking on anything that is different and challenging can take a bit of thought and consideration.

    Have you considered talking to a counsellor specialised in this field? Beyondblue helpline services may be able to provide you with a supporting agency in your region.

    It is great that you feel comfortable and welcome here. This is a safe place to share how you are feleing and what you are experiencing.

    Wishing you all the best, from Dools

    H

    1 person found this helpful
  8. Johnny_11
    Johnny_11 avatar
    28 posts
    28 September 2018 in reply to DGorBust

    Hi DGorBust

    I have lived through this dilemma.

    I've been with my wife for 20 years, came out to her 12 months ago, and was cheating on her for 3 years prior.

    My attraction to men has always been there, and like you it got to the stage where I couldn't deny it and wanted to act on it. At the time my relationship with my wife wasn't in the best place, so I decided to go ahead. I feel I cheated not necessarily to hurt her, but to live a life I had been denying myself.

    Do I regret it? To be honest, no... I hate that I hurt her, but it was something I needed to explore, and she has admitted that if I had been honest and told her about my feelings before acting, she wouldn't have let me explore them, if I wanted to, then we would have separated.

    You think you will just do it one time, to see what its like. After the first time, you feel really guilty, and it probably won't be that great, and you regret it, and say you won't do it again. But the desires will come back, and you will do it again, and each time it gets easier, and your feel less guilty about it. It's actually really surprising how many married guys are out there cheating on their wives with other guys.

    In the end I couldn't continue living like that, I wasn't happy in my relationship, so I came clean. That was 12 months ago. We decided to work through things, and our relationship has been so much better. I've agreed to be monogamous but I am still attracted to men, being honest with my wife has helped deal with it, but the future is still uncertain.

    John

    1 person found this helpful

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