40yo IT professional. Together with my wife for 16 years, married for 13, 9yo daughter, 6yo son. A good life.. Highly stressful job, heavily relied upon at times. But good coin, no worries about how to pay the mortgage or fill up the car, or any of that. We travel overseas every year.. We have a caravan so we can get away every other long weekend. Good times. I love my kids so much.
But lets cut to the chase and be, and no pun intended, straight… I’ve always been bi-curious. I’ve never allowed myself to fully believe it, or admit it, until recently. I have now fully accepted it.
In hindsight it was plainly obvious. Clear as day. I just never allowed myself to accept it because I wanted the easy life. Therefor I never allowed myself to own up to who i truly am. That would make life difficult. The stigma, the taboo. It’s not that my family would’ve have supported me.. but I didn’t feel accepted by society. Bear in mind I’m thinking back 30 years here.
So now here I am. I’ve admitted I’m very much bisexual to myself, and that feels good.. and also bad, and confusing.. I’m married with kids now. I want to stop fantasising and want to experience. I want to know. But I don’t think I can. It feels morally reprehensible. My wife, my kids, my family, my friends. I’d be cheating on all of them.
Then there are times… times when I think “one life, so live it”. I hate myself for these times. I can’t let myself break my vows. I made them in front of our family, our friends, and being a religious ceremony, God. I’m more Agnostic than anything, but still, it is what it is. So all this wins out, and I’ve always remained true.
I can hear all the responses before even putting this out there.. just talk about it. Open up. Blah-de-f-ing-blah. I also know how that will end too. not well btw. But it’s probably something I’d like to think I’d admit to if the opportunity arrises.
these fantasies come though, they’re driving me nuts. I don’t feel shame for my attractions or my fantasies. I’m proud of every aspect of who I am, and what I’ve achieved.
I think what I’m struggling with is I wish i knew this before now, before kids, before marriage. So I could experience this, lived out my fantasies. Got this out of my mind or knew for sure where I fit.
Now I feel trapped. I could easily do it. Try this out and no one would any the wiser. But would I hate myself even more for doing so. Or should I live with potential regret for not acting sooner for the rest of my life.