I don't really have a lot of people in my life right now that I can talk to about this stuff, and I keep a lot of this hidden - mostly I think out of shame and anxiety (I get really nervous talking to people about personal stuff, even doctors and people I consider as very close friends). I also hate the disappointment that comes along with letting people down.
- So coming on here is attractive as I can discuss some of my concerns whilst still protected by the anonymity of the internet.
Last year I had a pretty serious drug addiction to narcotics with the help of my doctor and mother I managed to kick the habit and I'm now clean, and really have no desire what so ever to go back to addiction.
There's a few reasons why I think I turned to drugs, but the underlaying theme was depression (I didn't know this at the time - but it's obvious now) I've been in emotional pain for a long time, I'm gay and was bullied a lot in high school, which really effected my confidence as an adult and taught me anxiety. I also was sexually assaulted when I was in my early 20's and always felt it was own fault for putting myself in a stupid situation. I've only just begun to accept that I wasn't responsible for what happened (at age 29). I've also had problems with my body image and have suffered with bulimia on and off since a teenager.
But in the past few years especially it's been building up and I guess last year it got to the point were I couldn't cope day-to-day so I engaged in reckless behaviour. To feel something other than the numbness or as escapism. I was a functioning addict, and it was very well hidden.
I managed to hold down part-time professional employment (HR role) and study full-time (3rd year Architecture student).
When my mother discovered my addiction and confronted me - I became very emotionally unstable and couldn't stop crying - usually I don't wear my emotions on my sleeve - I cried for the better part of 4 days. With her support I managed to complete stop abusing drugs.
During this time I was having a lot of suicidal thoughts, mostly just wishing I was dead and thinking about different ways it could happen.
I ended up attempting suicide and I went to hospital. But I played it down as I realised I had acted on impulse and really didn't want to die. I spoke to the pysch people and then was allowed to leave the next day.
My doctor recommend that I start taking an antidepressant which I've been on for the last three months.
I've been doing quiet well over this period - I generally feel pretty even (emotionally stable) I don't really have highs or lows it's just constant and I feel I am able to see things with much more clarity, and the meds really helped with my anxiety.
Unfortunately the last week I've started getting pretty sad again, crying lots, and thinking about suicide again. Focusing (or fantasising ? I'm not sure what's the correct word here?)
So far only my mum, and doctor know what's going here. My other friends, family, peers and coworkers were just aware that I was unwell but it was never specified with what, and people generally weren't too nosey.
I moved from to Perth at the beginning of last year from Sydney, part of the reason was study related and then also I was planning on trying to turn my life around a new start etc etc.
So I don't have a lot of friends here - and I really don't feel too comfortable discuss all this in a lot of detail. I actually live with my mum at the moment, but she's gone on a 4 week cruise with my grandma and aunties (this was all booked and paid for prior to me getting unwell/her known what was going on).
I'm not sure if it's because I'm here alone or whether this would have happened either way - but it sucks that she's gone, and it sucks that I'm having these dark thoughts.
I don't really have many places I can turn to - I'm hoping somebody online can give me some advice on how to proceed from here. I'm scared I will hurt myself again, I don't know/can't remember at what point you go from have dark thoughts to actually acting those thoughts out.
Mental health scares me - there's been a history of this behaviour in my family. My cousin took his life a few years ago and my father was an addict who died of an overdose.
I'm just worried that I'll go the same way.
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