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Forums / Sexuality and gender identity / Open relationships

Topic: Open relationships

15 posts, 0 answered
  1. Mattstar
    Mattstar avatar
    5 posts
    22 June 2021
    Hi all, I'm reaching out because I realise I need some help and figure there may be others here who have similar experiences. I'm 44 and have recently come out of a long term gay relationship. We broke up late last year because he wants an open relationship and I don't. We would have been together for 18 years in April just gone. He has moved to the US (work) and from all accounts is living life to the fullest. I am back here still in our life and feel completely abandoned, worthless and a shadow of myself. Most of my gay friends find the situation too difficult to deal with so haven't been very supportive. My family are angry with him and worried about me. The last few years weren't smooth but every time i tried to raise things he reassured me everything was fine. Looking back it wasn't and i should have trusted my gut. I'm wondering if there are any support groups or if there are any others who have been through something like this? I'm feeling really isolated and I can feel my mental health slipping. It was 18 years, he was my life and he's gone. No check in's, no texts, just gone. All because I won't do an open relationship. I'd really like to talk this through and maybe with strangers it will be easier. I'm on a waiting list to see a professional but that may take some time. Thanks. Matt :)
    1 person found this helpful
  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    5483 posts
    22 June 2021 in reply to Mattstar
    Hi Mattstar, 

    Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing your story with us here. It takes a lot of courage to reach out for support, you also never know who will read this post and feel less alone in their own experiences. 
    We are sorry to hear that your relationship has come to an end and that it is maing you feel this way. We know that changes in out personal life can have a profound impact on how we feel and our sense of self. It sounds like it has been an especially difficult time as you are unable to get closure. 

    It is wonderful to hear that you are looking to see a professional, that is an incredible step towards feeling better. We know that it can take some time to get in to see someone and so we recommend that you give us a call on 1300 22 4636 so that you can talk through how you feel. The team are friendly, understanding and helpful with giving suggestions and strategies for how to deal with the day-to-day challeneges as well as how to seek more support. 

    We also think it would be worthwhile to have a look around the forums and see if there are any other conversations that you feel resonate with you. 

    Thank you again for being brave and for sharing here today. Please feek free to check back in and update the community on how you are going if you feel comfortable doing so. 

    Kind regards, 

    Sophie M
  3. ASDDSA
    ASDDSA avatar
    1 posts
    23 June 2021 in reply to Mattstar
    Focus on what you can do. Go for a run. Make your bed. Go to work. Do the dishes. go to sleep. anything.
  4. smallwolf
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    smallwolf avatar
    5482 posts
    23 June 2021 in reply to Mattstar

    hi and welcome to the forums.

    firstly, from what you have said, I don't blame your parent for being angry at him. It sounds like one day he was here and next he was gone, because of, as your said you did not want an open relationship. It sounds as though your parents are supportive as well?

    Another positive is that you are going to get some professional help. I have found that talking with a professional has helped me with my issues. And they also know what to ask, and supportive and non-judgemental. (Like the people here!) This is also a good step if it is difficult to talk this through with friends.

    The other thing I wanted to say is that 18 years is a long time and when that other person go away there is a big hole to fill - things you might have done together are now no more. So the difficulties you might be experiencing are natural. How long it takes to move forward, and what you have to do to get to that place is unknown.

    And while you wait for a professional to talk to, perhaps you can stay around the forums and chat. Lastly, I am sorry to hear about what happened. It doesn't sound right.

  5. Learn to Fly
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    Learn to Fly avatar
    105 posts
    23 June 2021 in reply to Mattstar

    Hi Mattstar,

    Thank you for reaching out and sharing your story with us. I am truly sorry to hear about what you are going through.

    It takes a lot of courage and strength to stick to your values / beliefs and at the end - to stay true to yourself. It's very sad to hear that you have been repaid with such unkindness.

    18 years of a relationship is not something that a thoughtful and caring person like yourself will take on lightly. Allow yourself time to "grieve" and be kind to yourself. There is a lot for you to process: feeling of abandonment, broken heart and trust, possibly feeling "punished" for wanting to stay true not only to yourself but to him as well.

    What else goes through your mind Mattstar?

    I'm here for you.

    Take care there.

  6. Jo8049
    Jo8049 avatar
    639 posts
    24 June 2021 in reply to Mattstar

    Hi Mattstar , welcome . Sorry you are in the space your in . ASDDSA has good advice , so if you can that is good . It is a very old saying but so true " every cloud has a silver lining " .

    Be true to yourself . ( hug when required )

    Jo

  7. Mattstar
    Mattstar avatar
    5 posts
    25 June 2021 in reply to Jo8049
    Thanks Jo, what's ASDDSA?
  8. Jo8049
    Jo8049 avatar
    639 posts
    25 June 2021 in reply to Mattstar

    Hi Mattstar , in answer to your question , it is avatar name on the third post of your thread . I have no idea of meaning . Looks like a mirror image name ?

    More importantly , how are you ? ( hugs when required ) . Take great care of yourself !. You are unique wonderful and important !

    Jo

  9. Guest_3256
    Guest_3256 avatar
    324 posts
    26 June 2021 in reply to Mattstar

    Hi buddy.

    Becoming venerable and then being abandoned 18 years later from someone you love is extremely tough to experience and I imagine that this would cause anyone to feel overwhelmed with anxiety, thoughts and emotions. I want you to know that their choices have no reflection of who you are as a person. We must love and value ourselves (self-compassion) and be the best versions possible. By posting here for support shows that you are courageous and a loving person who is seeking an amazing change.

    I am gay (M33) with a Partner (M27) who I dearly love and who is struggling to find his own self-worth in who he is. We must value ourselves and never give up living the most prosperous life possible.

    For you, this is your journey and you deserve to be treated, loved, valued for the person who you are. We must let go of toxic people who do not make us the best we can be, who are not willing to sacrifice a bit of themselves to grow, to develop and to be with us through the toughest times we may experience.

     For you now, this is about being and living who you want to be and someone else will see you for how beautiful and amazing you are.

    P.S. You are so young, you are at an age to improve on areas in your life that can be developed.

    Be strong, be brave.

    :)

    Over and out.

    1 person found this helpful
  10. Mattstar
    Mattstar avatar
    5 posts
    27 June 2021 in reply to Guest_3256
    Jsua and all thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I can accept what's happened and I think I'll be ok, having learnt that you can never, ever sacrifice your own happiness or values to please someone else, it will just never work. It's just that it took 18 years! When i asked what was wrong or tried to talk about issues, he always said it was nothing, i was over analysing or being too sensitive and it was all in my head. I was right all along, he was lying and i trusted him. I guess I'll never doubt my gut again. It's hard enough coming out after pretending to be someone you're not for so much of your early life. To then meet someone, let your guard down and truly be yourself, only to be utterly rejected and abandoned is not just heart breaking, its life changing. I won't let it define me though and try to be happier, though that will be some time time down the track. I really appreciate being able to come here and vent though. Friends are really struggling with it too as it was all so sudden and its 18 years! I'm on a waiting list for professional help. I'm hoping that will only make what I've been dealing with alone even easier from here.
    2 people found this helpful
  11. Learn to Fly
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    Learn to Fly avatar
    105 posts
    28 June 2021 in reply to Mattstar

    Hi Mattstar,

    You are among friends here and in a safe place to talk about your experience.

    I am sensing a tiny (maybe even not such tiny) swing in your attitude. You still feel badly hurt but starting to show some resilience: “I won't let it define me though and try to be happier, though that will be some time time down the track.” - well said mate and that’s the way to think and go. I am proud of you that you made this statement all by yourself. It’s a great step forward.

    Take care.

    2 people found this helpful
  12. Learn to Fly
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    Learn to Fly avatar
    105 posts
    28 June 2021 in reply to Mattstar
    Sorry, the word I wanted to use was “a shift” not “a swing”. My dictionary playing up a bit.
  13. Mattstar
    Mattstar avatar
    5 posts
    29 June 2021 in reply to Learn to Fly
    Thank you. That made me cry and crying is good. I appreciate the kind words :)
    2 people found this helpful
  14. Jo8049
    Jo8049 avatar
    639 posts
    1 July 2021 in reply to Mattstar

    Hi Mattstar , welcome ( hugs when required ) . Many people read and don't post but they care and see your bravery and feel your feelings .

    Things slowly improve as you heal and learn , and your very right crying is good . The dark cloud always has a silver lining . We all care here . xx lol

    Jo

    1 person found this helpful
  15. Learn to Fly
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    Learn to Fly avatar
    105 posts
    10 July 2021 in reply to Mattstar

    Hi Mattstar,

    Give yourself more credit as your words only tell me that you are stronger than you think.
    I know you hurt but this also shows what a generous and sensitive person you are and these are such beautiful values. Yes, you might get hurt because of your good heart but at least you know how to love and give this love to another person. Willingly. Unconditionally.
    You were just unfortunate the receiver had not appreciated this enormous gift of love.

    Thinking of you.

    Take care.

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